New Grad Struggling

[hrahrmh]

Hi everyone,

I never thought I would be posting on here, but after reading through so many of the posts, I see there is a lot of help and support to be found here and I could really use it right now. I'm a new graduate and 22 years old. I graduated with my BSN in May 2016. I was a pretty good student. I was in the top of my class, in several honor societies.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have had an anxiety disorder. I've struggled through depression and occasional self-harm and suicidal thoughts since I was 12. A lot of this most likely due to some PTSD from the death of my dad when I was younger, at least thats what my therapists have said.

When I first moved away from home for school, I began seeing a counselor once a week for my depression and anxiety. While the depression would come and go and always be a really tough battle to fight, I channeled a lot of my anxiety into my perfectionist nature and I believe that is why I did so well in class. I actually think I liked studying and knowing what my routine looked like each semester.

Clinical was always a whole other story. I would have anxiety attacks the night and morning beforehand, I was prescribed a prn antianxiety and ended up having to take them almost regularly to be able to get some sleep the night before. Towards the end of getting my BSN I realized I don't really like bedside nursing. I like interacting with the patients sometimes, but for the most part, I really just don't like it. I don't like giving medications, all the skills and charting. The only thing I like is talking to the patients. I pushed through nursing school because I was just so close to getting my degree and anyone who saw my grades told me it was all in my head and I'd be a great nurse.

I moved away from home 2 months ago and finally started a med surg/behavioral/tele position nearly 6 months after graduating. I took my time in getting a job by seeing a psychiatrist every three weeks and a counselor every week. Just the thought of doing nursing would send me into a panic. But everywhere I looked and everyone I spoke to told me I would regret it if I didn't try bedside nursing, for at least a year. I tried antidepressants, but they gave me terrible side effects including those awful brain zaps when trying to go to sleep, so I am no longer on those.

I am prescribed Xanax 2 times a day. I see a counselor once a week, which seems to only really help me that afternoon in session, but not any other time. As soon as I leave and start to think about work again, the panic returns. I have an anxiety attack every night and morning before work, I feel like I'm drowning. I feel run down, depressed. My lower back, which has some cumulative strain since various athletics I did in high school and not taking care of it at the time, constantly hurts. And bedside nursing really isn't helping it. Another doctor has prescribed an anti-inflammatory two times a day, and is considering starting PT in a month or so if it is still hurting. Sometimes its in so much pain I wake up in the middle of the night before work and can't go back to sleep, which only worsens my anxiety.

I know it's only been two months, but I still really don't like bedside nursing. I'm barely sleeping from anxiety attacks and back pain. When I think about doing this for at least a whole year I become so depressed feeling I don't know how I am going to manage for that long. I can't even feel happy or have fun on my days off. I'm just constantly thinking and worried about going back in. I just want to be happy again, and I don't know what I need to change to do that.

I know I should consider myself lucky that I even have a job. And I don't want to be a disappointment to my serious boyfriend, family and friends who are trying to help me through this. But between the constant pain, anxiety and depression, I feel like I'm barely holding on. Is this all really normal feelings for a new graduate? Because if so, when will this get better? I don't know how much longer I can hold on and struggle through.

I'm sorry this post was so long and complicated, I have just been holding so much of this in for so long. Any advice, even if it is harsh, would be appreciated. I need some help. Thanks!

[NotMyProblem MSN, ASN, BSN, MSN, LPN, RN]

What you're describing seems to still be ongoing issues from your past, which is aggravated (or complicated) by the demands of trying to adjust to a new career. Personally, I don't think you're emotionally ready to be a hospital nurse yet (forming my opinion based solely on the information you provided). Bedside nursing is not for the physically or emotionally weak. It just isn't. Dealing with members of this challenging society is rough even for those of us who have years of experience dealing with the BS.

Honestly, I think it would be so much better for you to try to find work in a more stable environment until you have a firmer grasp on your own issues. Setting aside the emotional trauma, a back condition coming into nursing will soon....and I mean very soon, have you laid out for the count somewhere.

Have you looked into LTC? Outpatient clinics? Home health would be more suitable, I think. The problem with LTC is that the wrong LTC facility can be worse than bedside nursing in a hospital.

Good luck, dear...

[NotMyProblem MSN, ASN, BSN, MSN, LPN, RN]

I just reread your post. If you don't like giving medications, learning skills, charting, or interacting with patients, you are definitely in the wrong field. Skipping to chase, leave now before you hurt someone and possibly end up doing jail time.

[Meeshie]

If your job is causing you this much mental and emotional stress then perhaps it's time to think of a different line of work?

[Everline]

There is no shame in leaving a profession that you don't like AND that requires you to medicate yourself to get through. I understand that you worked hard for your degree and it isn't so easy to just turn around and do something else. But you've indicated you dislike just about every part of what your job probably entails.

I will say that the first year of nursing is so hard. I was pretty miserable and ended up leaving short of a year to do another type of nursing, at which point, the misery went away and I began to like being a nurse. I think many people have a hard time that first year, but what you describe, IMO, sounds more than what is commonly experienced. You have a lot of emotional issues that might need working through before you can manage a job as a floor nurse without causing yourself more extreme mental strain. Your mental and physical health should be guarded and attended to, for your sake and the sake of your patients. I wish you well.

[futurepsychrn, ADN]

Where in the heck are you? I live in WV, I'm a new nurse (since January 10, 2017, I'm 54 years oldand I have had 5 job offers in the last month. Maybe you need to boost your resume and practice interview skills. Does your school have a career counselor? If so, go to them and ask for help with both of these things. Goid luck.

[guest52816]

First, know that you are not alone. If you read through posts written by new nursing graduates, you will find that people feel exactly the way you do.

Like you, I graduated May 2016. My first nursing position was in CVICU, which was way over my head and skill level as a new graduate. So I transferred to CV Progressive, which was slightly better, but not by much. Even though I didn't have your mental health history, I still found myself becoming more and more anxious while working (I was afraid I would have a panic attack), not sleeping and stressing over work even on my days off. I refused to take anti-anxiety medication simply to do a job!

I left the position and started working at an acute psychiatric facility. The stress is different from the hospital setting, but it can still be very stressful. While I don't practice many skills, you still have to monitor psychiatric patients the same way you would other patients. And I can have three admissions during my shift, with me as the only nurse.

Maybe you could try a different position? Whenever you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, practice 4x4x4 breathing. It will activate your parasympathetic nervous system and slow heart rate and breathing (and hopefully ward off panic).

Also, do you have a nurse work friend? I have found it to be extremely helpful to develop a friendship with another nurse on the same shift. You can help one another and generally have each other's backs. Where I work, the House Supervisor can be very hostile and not helpful. So I have relied on nurse work friend to maintain sanity.

I am not trying to convince you not to quit nursing. Maybe it isn't the right job for you. Just make an informed decision before you act.

Good luck!

[Skips, MSN, RN]

This post made me really empathize with you.

I have mental illness diagnoses, the majority diagnosed within the past year. When I graduated from nursing school over 2 years ago, I wasn't diagnosed or taking any medications. My adjustment was rough. I didn't know why I felt the way I did. I would get anxious and almost throw up going to work. My first job was in a hospital. I broke down in my manager's office crying one day and realized this isn't good for me. So I left. I actually worked at a clinic after that and everything seemed to get much better. It was a predictable day with repetitive tasks. Maybe you should try working in a setting that is less acute. There are plenty of options! Then, once you are ready, you can work in the hospital again (if you want).

After being on medications and settling my mental health, I feel much better. I can easily adapt to the hospital environment now, and I don't feel sick before going to work!

[FutureNurseInfo]

Hey, I am not a psychologist so I will not try to figure out the cause of your "problem". The only thing I can say is, push through. I am not a nurse, yet, and have never been one. However, I have been a new graduate years ago starting my "dream" (what I thought) career in teaching. From the first day teaching high school I truly hated it. Similar to you, I would have panic attacks just thinking of going back to that work environment. I developed a horrible case of acne to the extent I had to see a doc who prescribed me some strong antibiotics. They did help, but what did not was the fact I still had to teach. However, I managed to finish the year and what I did was to transfer to elementary school. Oh boy what a 180 degree turn it was! I was in love with the little ones! I learned so much from my first year, so I was able to turn it all around and become a successful teacher. It has been 6 years now and each year I get better and better. However, I feel like I need a chance of scenery so I am trying to become a nurse. Hopefully, though, in pediatrics. The point is, everyone is going through similar troubles the first 1-2 years not knowing what to expect. It does look and sound scary which is my many of us have high anxiety levels. However, once you reach that 1-2 year mark you will be so much more confident and comfortable with who you are on that very moment. And if you still feel same way as when you started, you may seek a different position on a different unit; in a different capacity. And if that does not help, I guess doing something else rather than nursing. In either case I wish you good luck!