Need advice, about husband/school

lainith · Sep 20, 2008

Most people have no concept of how much time and energy it takes to actually LEARN the material we have to know. Just because he knew a couple girls who were able to "hang out" all the time while they were in school means nothing. Maybe those girls didn't care about making good grades and barely passed their classes. Or maybe he was overestimating just how much these people were able to do stuff besides study. (Just because they said they made A's doesn't mean they actually did...)

One thing that our nursing coordinator did to help us out was to make a schedule showing exactly how much time we spend on things. Make a chart that shows your week (you can find them online) broken down into days and hours. Map out how many hours you spend at work, how many are spent in class, and then allot yourself 2 hours (at least) for every hour of class that you take, including labs. If you have a 6 credit hour class, allow 12 hours of study a week. Then put in your sleep time, and whatever other structured time you have. This will help break it down for him so that he can see just how much "free time" you have and how much of that needs to be spent on studying.

He should be proud of how motivated you are to accomplish your goals and excel in school.

Another trick for me is that I stay at school to study. There are too many distractions when I am at home. I get to school before classes to study and stay after to work on things or study some more. Maybe you could sneak yourself some extra time by doing that or just explain that "Today I need to go to the library so I need you to watch the baby while I'm gone." I wouldn't bother asking him to actually DO something with your kiddo if he's not motivated... it'll only cause more problems. Then go to the library and try to get an hour or so of uninterrupted time to study. I also used to study late at night at Subway and places like that where nobody cared if I was hogging a table for an hour while I ate and studied.

Good luck. I feel for ya.

ivanh3 · Sep 20, 2008

so, i am in pre-nursing right now, taking just a&p 2 because i only have time for one class due to full time job and a 3 year old attached to my side when i'm at home.
i have a lab practical and a lecture exam coming up next week (both in the same week) so i'm trying to study so i can get at least a b since my quiz grades have been horrible so far. i was just sitting in the living room studying (while he was sleeping in) and making note cards, when he comes in and starts looking for football games to watch. i asked him if he could take our son to go do something (like the park) so i could get some quiet time to study. he said, no there are like 4 good football games on!! then he said " you study everyday!! most people don't study that much" ummmm ok..... sorry that i have to study every day to make an a. i said who do you even know that is going to nursing school, and he said "i knew steph while she was getting her doctorate and she hung out all the time, and i knew tiff when she was in nursing school and she also hung out all the time and made a's"
does anyone else think that he basically has no respect for me??? what is he going to do when i'm in nursing school and have no life??? he's so rude.
then i am so mad and so i come in here to the office to write you guys instead of blowing up on him and screaming...and i lock the door. he comes and tries to open the door saying "don't you need your books to study?? i thought you had to study??"
oh now he's knocking again. uhhgggghhh leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, as someone who is married with two year old, works fulltime, and is a full time grad student i have some insight into this.

first of all take a deep breath. it sounds like you are getting overwhelmed and with good reason: work, child, school, and a spouse who doesn't seem to understand your needs and what you are going through. my wife and i have had some stress both when she was working on her bsn, and now that i am working on my msn. what worked for us was sitting down with pen and paper, and working out a schedule and who would be taking responsibility for what. she told me what her needs were and i told her what my needs were. if someone didn't understand those needs then explanation was given. bottom line for us: it worked great. a bit more micromanaging than i am used to but hey.

some suggestions: split up who must leave for your studying to get done. you are perfectly in your bounds by asking him to deal with the child, but compromise and maybe let him and your child "keep" the house while you step out to a coffee shop or better yet, the library. tell him (tactfully) that he needs to step up while you are in school. after all you both will benefit from the rewards of your education.

my concern for you though is two things. one, when nursing schools starts the increase in stress will be exponential, and two, it sounds like you guys have some underlying, baseline issues to begin with. if that is the case then examine that and face up to it. the stress generated by nursing school will only magnify that problem. whatever you do get help if you need it! get your friends and family involved.

i wish you luck.

ivan

Bobylon · Sep 20, 2008

first of all take a deep breath. it sounds like you are getting overwhelmed and with good reason: work, child, school, and a spouse who doesn't seem to understand your needs and what you are going through................... some suggestions: split up who must leave for your studying to get done. you are perfectly in your bounds by asking him to deal with the child, but compromise and maybe let him and your child "keep" the house while you step out to a coffee shop or better yet, the library. tell him (tactfully) that he needs to step up while you are in school. after all you both will benefit from the rewards of your education.
my concern for you though is two things. one, when nursing schools starts the increase in stress will be exponential, and two, it sounds like you guys have some underlying, baseline issues to begin with. if that is the case then examine that and face up to it. the stress generated by nursing school will only magnify that problem. whatever you do get help if you need it! get your friends and family involved.
i wish you luck.
ivan

great points, ivan....great post that applies to many, many of us out here :cool:

coffee house/library is my destinataion a couple days a week, and my wife keeps the kids out of my hair the few days when i'm stayin' home...works for us, for now. thank you.....

- b

SunnyAndrsn · Sep 20, 2008

I get that from my teens, but not from DH since he's in a doctoral program. Yeah, I think he's being rude and insensitive. Perhaps he's feeling neglected with all the time school is taking? Or maybe he's always had this jerky side in him and it's just now showing a little more??

So, I am in pre-nursing right now, taking just A&P 2 because I only have time for one class due to full time job and a 3 year old attached to my side when I'm at home.
I have a lab practical and a lecture exam coming up NEXT week (both in the same week) so I'm trying to study so I can get at least a B since my quiz grades have been horrible so far. I was just sitting in the living room studying (while he was sleeping in) and making note cards, when he comes in and starts looking for football games to watch. I asked him if he could take our son to go do something (like the park) so I could get some quiet time to study. He said, no there are like 4 good football games on!! Then he said " you study everyday!! most people don't study that much" UMMMM OK..... sorry that I have to study every day to make an A. I said who do you even know that is going to nursing school, and he said "I knew Steph while she was getting her doctorate and she hung out all the time, and I knew Tiff when she was in nursing school and she also hung out all the time and made A's"
Does anyone else think that he basically has NO respect for me??? What is he going to do when I'm in nursing school and have no life??? He's so rude.
Then I am so mad and so I come in here to the office to write you guys instead of blowing up on him and screaming...and I lock the door. He comes and tries to open the door saying "Don't you need your books to study?? I thought you had to study??"
Oh now he's knocking again. UHHGGGGHHH LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZooMommyRN, ADN, RN · Sep 21, 2008

one thing that worked best for me, don't use the living room as your study place, where else is the rest of the family to be? You say you have an office with a door that locks, that might just be the best place to study, let hubby have the livingroom for the football, I used to study in the bedroom alot, my kids figured out quickly if mommy is in the bedroom with the door closed that she's studying and go ask daddy for whatever they needed, yet they were free to come and go through the house without disturbing me & my books and 3 rainforests worth of notes that invariably covered my bed on a daily basis lol While you are the one going to school and studying hard, you still have remember that the center of the universe didn't shift, you have to work around others as well as them working around you or it's gonna be all uphill and only get worse. Good luck with your exams next week!

Adams_Mommy_07 · Sep 21, 2008

Well coming from someone who has a fiance who has in the past trivialized my academics, I honestly think you are being unreasonable with your expectations. My fiance thought I should abandon study time to bath and change our son while he sat in the chair drinking beer. This was after I worked until 7pm, and he worked until 3:30. Big difference--he already had time to unwind and then expects me to get the baby ready for bed and then the duration of the evening studying.

I had to sit down with mine and make it clear under no uncertain terms (even threaten moving out) that school is a top priority for me and WILL be for him if he wants to share in the money I will be making.

However, you need to designate a place that is *yours* for studying and that you won't infiltrate the rest of the house with studying. Mine is our computer room--if I drag my books anywhere else I am fair game for playtime, diaper changes, baths, etc. The living room should be the LIVING room, not quiet space. Expecting them to leave the house is mildly disrespectful on your part, in my opinion.

Rianna1 · Sep 21, 2008

What about the local Barnes and Noble or Starbucks? It is probably easier for you to leave to go study than to have everyone else leave. Football Sundays, my DH loves to stay home with the kids. Also, another poster said to study at school. This helps a lot if you get to class earlier or stay later or what I do is I don't go straight home after lecture. I read for 45 mins to an hour before I go home; i go to coffee shop or library.

rnroew02 · Sep 21, 2008

Here s a suggestion. Always be a step ahead to avoid conflict but mostly to accpmplish your plan. You need to think about going to bed early so you can wake up early For example. Say you get in at 8 , if have kids you put them in the bed by 9 then you go to sleep. you tired anyways what will your brains absorb after being so tired so you sleep 9 or 930 to 330 or 430 if 330 that means you get 6 hrs sleep if you sleep to 430 thats 7 hrs sleep and you can study from there. I did that and it was hard at first but one this is for sure there are no games or people up or on that early in the morning and the house is quietttt tthe Devil is sleeping at that time. So try that. ok:zzzzz

ADPIE10 · Sep 23, 2008

So, I am in pre-nursing right now, taking just A&P 2 because I only have time for one class due to full time job and a 3 year old attached to my side when I'm at home.
I have a lab practical and a lecture exam coming up NEXT week (both in the same week) so I'm trying to study so I can get at least a B since my quiz grades have been horrible so far. I was just sitting in the living room studying (while he was sleeping in) and making note cards, when he comes in and starts looking for football games to watch. I asked him if he could take our son to go do something (like the park) so I could get some quiet time to study. He said, no there are like 4 good football games on!! Then he said " you study everyday!! most people don't study that much" UMMMM OK..... sorry that I have to study every day to make an A. I said who do you even know that is going to nursing school, and he said "I knew Steph while she was getting her doctorate and she hung out all the time, and I knew Tiff when she was in nursing school and she also hung out all the time and made A's"
Does anyone else think that he basically has NO respect for me??? What is he going to do when I'm in nursing school and have no life??? He's so rude.
Then I am so mad and so I come in here to the office to write you guys instead of blowing up on him and screaming...and I lock the door. He comes and tries to open the door saying "Don't you need your books to study?? I thought you had to study??"
Oh now he's knocking again. UHHGGGGHHH LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Having a toddler is precious. I really enjoy being a father and enjoyed taking my kids to the park.

Yes, he does sound like a jerk. Yes, he does sound like he's more into himself and his own needs than yours. No, he doesn't sound as if he understands. Yes, it does sound as if he doesn't share your goals. Yes, it does sound like he's oblivious to what is going on around him. Yes, he should learn to leave you alone when you are disappointed and need time to yourself.

It sounds like you're tired, and need a little help and understanding. It sounds like you've had a bad day.

Get some rest, remember to breathe. Give your toddler a kiss and thank God that you've got him attached to your hips. Pray and believe that you'll have a better day tomorrow.

I've been married to the same angel for over 14 years, she's had to put up with a lot. I'm still a work-in-progress, we both are.

DDRN4me · Sep 23, 2008

(((Tysmommy)) I think you have received some valuable advice. I went to school most of my kids lives, one class at a time. I do agree that the hardest place in the world to study is the living room. He obviously does not understand how hard your classes are. show him your books and the material!! Then you two need to sit down and work out how it will be best for your family. Leave some time for him as well. Perhaps he is feeling left out..my dh never really said it but seemed to sabotage me when he needed attention. One very helpful thing I did was to set aside one day a week that was "study free"...and devote myself 100% to the family (OK, so it looked that way but I was thinking about school some of the time :rolleyes: )

also use small snippets of time during the day to study instead of a huge block of time all at once; your brain will get less tired that way. :zzzzzI used flash cards all the time; kept them in my purse and pulled them out whenever i had to wait somewhere for more than 5 minutes. I also had my books with me whenever we were at the park etc and we took turns there .

Good luck,, I hope you can find a happy medium. It is a long road but worth it for all of you in the end!