My story...

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Hi everyone, I realize by posting my story, Im going to probably get some mean,uncaring feedback from people who like to judge and think he/she is above having an "addiction" but at the same time, if I can help 1 nurse or professional from having to live my story, it will be worth it.....Just a little background about me, I grew up seeing my mom cook and shoot up heroin and drinking alcohol excessively...my father died when I was 7 and I was placed in foster homes temporarily in california.I was returned to my mother after social services deemed her a 'mother" again....we moved to Indiana and her drug use and alcohol abuse continued...she became physically abusive and I was once again placed in foster homes, children homes, juvenile and a couple of mental health treatment centers, I was "emancipated" when I was 18 and pregnant....I never drank, did drugs during my teen years because I didn't want to be "like her"....I did smoke weed and drank wine coolers and tried acid once but in my early 20's a couple of times...so when I was attending nursing school, I didn't think the part of the class that talked about nurses and other professionals that became addicted to drugs applied to me because at that point in my life, I had hardly expiermented with drugs....fast forward to 2004...I had moved to another town, a couple of hours away from my hometown, with my 2 children....I didn't have any family or friends there and I became depressed..I was working through an agency and I started taking vicoden because of my back hurting. I didn't have health insurance or a dr to find out why my back was hurting but my ex was able to get me meds to help with the pain....we broke up and I didnt get the meds anymore...to make a long story short, I took some meds from work and got busted. I entered into the ISNAP program after being contacted by the Attorney General's office regarding a complaint against me..I completed my 1 year agrement successfully and I had another baby 2 months after I completed my program. My child was 4 weeks old when I was stopped by the police for a minor traffic infraction, what happened next was my worst nightmare..the officier said I had felony charges against me and that he would have to take me to jail, I was in complete shock, my 3 children were in the car with me and my 2 oldest children were crying yelling for the police not to take me to jail..I was crying and sick that my children the most important thing in my life had to watch their mom being taken to jail and my baby was only 4 weeks old and I was exclusively breastfeeding her.... my mom came to pick up my kids and car and off I went to jail...I was in jail for 5 of the longest days of my life and during the whole time, I thought about my actions that led me to jail...I didnt understand why I went to jail after I completed the program and moving on with my life but then found out that the state can charge you at any time, no matter how long ago it was...I ended up with 1 misdeamnor of theft since if I had a felony, I would never be able to work as a nurse again..and I got 1 yr probation too. I completed the probation and once again thought my mistake was finally "put' behind me.. I was working at a LTC in management and occ floor nurse but when I went on maternity leave in 2007, I was terminated because of my background check, even though I disclosed it on my application and I had been working there almost a year and also got a doller raise the month before I went on maternity leave so I started working full time at an agency that I have been with for 4 years.....everything was fine until one of the clients I worked at wanted my and some other peoples credentials, my agency pulled up a new background check and viola! Im terminated because of my background check, I was told it showed a felony and I contacted the court and got my disposition papers showing it was plea bargined to a misdeamnor....well, I have put out appllications and I have been unemployed for 2 months now. I am single and have 4 children that I have always supported by myself, with minimal child support and now that Im not working, Ive had to put my house up for sale since I haven't had the $$ to pay sept or oct house note,Im now having to have assistance with food and I feel like a complete and utter screwup...Ive been fighting suicidal thoughts because of my children and I pray every day for strength and a miracle...the good thing about all of this was I had gotten a mri in nov 2005, and found out I had spinal stenosis and 2 ruptured disk at the L4L5 and had back surgery in 2007 and now Im having surgery for a cervical fusion this week....I know what I did was wrong and there's no excuse but I know in my heart, I would have never taken meds if I wasn't hurting so bad.... I worked so hard to recover and keep my nursing license intact and have no further trouble, but here I am unemployed d/t my criminal background check.. I was told a minimum of 5-7 years has to go by before anyone will hire me so now Im looking to see about getting a waitress job or something that I can do. They say you should never put your self worth with your job, but I can't help it. I'm a nurse and a very caring, good nurse who tries and does her best for her patients...the funny thing is I thought I was alone with what Ive gone through, but at my job, I hired nurses and cna's and I met and actually hired nurses who were on the isnap program, I would say though that 3/4 of the nurses I hired ended up losing there jobs for relapsing.. maybe I shouldn't have given them a chance, but Im a firm believer God put me in that job for a reason and I remember the hopelessness and shame I expierenced from this ordeal. I feel everything I went through was for nothing but at least I have my kids and sobierty..yes, I never thought this would happen to me and the hardest thing I had to do was tell the people I respected my mom, best friend, my kids and have them look at me as if they didn't even know who I was anymore and in disappointment..hopefully by sharing my story, it will help someone, if you have any suggestions, good or bad, I'd like to hear them . God Bless.

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Specializes in EMS, ER, GI, PCU/Telemetry.

i think you are very brave for posting your story and wish you luck with everything. it sounds like you are on the right track. god bless!

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Thank you, I see that my story was read 16 times, and your the only one who commented on it...I realized its uncomfortable to read a story like mine but the reason I shared it with everyone was to hopefully help someone from making a very bad decision...I appreciate your feedback and support, God Bless:)

1
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Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.

tiak41,

Take things one day at a time. And yes, I agree that tying your self worth to your profession is a dangerous thing to do. You are so much more...a mother, daughter, spouse(?), friend, HUMAN BEING. Nursing is something you happen to "do", but it's not who you are.

As recovering addicts we have to believe the following:

We are NOT bad people trying to become good. We are people with a chronic, progressive, potentially fatal disease trying to become well. It's too bad the rest of society and a majority of health care "professionals" don't understand this simple concept.

Nora Volkov, MD, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse says it well:

"Science Versus Stigma

Stigma is an enormous obstacle to more effective drug abuse treatment. Widespread perceptions that addiction strips individuals of basic human qualities lead to

selffulfilling predictions that those who are addicted cannot recover or ever play positive and productive social roles. Two articles in this issue of Addiction Science & Clinical Practice illustrate a fundamental truth about stigma: It arises when we do not understand the true nature of a health condition.

http://www.nida.nih.gov/PDF/ascp/vol4no1/DirectorIntro.pdf

Jack

Chair, Peer Assistance and Practitioner Wellness Committee

Senior Peer Advisor

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hi, thanks for giving me that good advice, I know u aren't supposed to tie yourself to your job but being a RN is my passion, i really felt like I have helped a lot of people and even though they may never remember my name, they will remember the love and compassion that I showed them and that means a lot to me. Believe it or not, I still cry after 1 of my patients die especially when I am close to them, you'd think after almost 10 years, I would be "harder" now:) and like I said before I became a nurse on my own without a husband or family support and I wanted to prove I could make my life good and be an example to my kids that even though your life was bad, you can change it if you work hard enough...I think the hardest thing to do is forgive myself for my mistakes, sometimes that is harder to do than listen to judgemental people...

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Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.
hi, thanks for giving me that good advice, I know u aren't supposed to tie yourself to your job but being a RN is my passion, i really felt like I have helped a lot of people and even though they may never remember my name, they will remember the love and compassion that I showed them and that means a lot to me. Believe it or not, I still cry after 1 of my patients die especially when I am close to them, you'd think after almost 10 years, I would be "harder" now:) and like I said before I became a nurse on my own without a husband or family support and I wanted to prove I could make my life good and be an example to my kids that even though your life was bad, you can change it if you work hard enough...I think the hardest thing to do is forgive myself for my mistakes, sometimes that is harder to do than listen to judgemental people...

I hope you never, ever become "hard". But there is a difference between being Mary Smith who practices nursing very well and Mary "nurse" Smith who has no other interests and roles in life.

The reason it took me 5 years of misery to finally find recovery was because I saw myself as a CRNA and not someone who practiced anesthesia. When I finally lost/surrendered my license forever...I was lost and depressed for quite a while. But then I began to discover other talents and interests that I never knew were hiding inside me. I'm a pretty good portrait artist (charcoal and graphite) and I actually do make money by rendering portraits. I also discovered I'm a pretty decent public speaker and teacher. My real passion now is helping other addicts through my peer advisor role. But the most important talent I have is simply being me...a father, brother, son, sponsor, friend, etc. We need balance in our lives in order to have a healthy mental outlook. I didn't mean to imply you shouldn't be proud of your profession and being the best nurse you can be. But when that's the ONLY thing you have your identity tied to, you're setting yourself up for relapse in the event you do need to change professions at some point.

Moderation in all things is an excellent philosophy to live by...especially as recovering addicts.

Jack

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Specializes in LTC, Psych, Med/Surg.
...I think the hardest thing to do is forgive myself for my mistakes, sometimes that is harder to do than listen to judgemental people...

That is so true, tiak41! I was so ashamed after I had my license suspended by the BON that I didn't go back to being a nurse for 5 years! (I could have gone back after 6 months, but the shame was just too terrible).

Unlike many nurses, I never believed that nursing was essential to my identity. I saw it as a decent job that let me do some good in the world, but many jobs meet this description.

Anyway, I wish I had some answers for your financial situation, but I urge you not to give up on yourself. You are a good, caring person and deserve the best. Don't let that nasty, critical voice in your head tell you otherwise! :no:

***HUGS***

Catmom :paw:

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Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.
That is so true, tiak41! I was so ashamed after I had my license suspended by the BON that I didn't go back to being a nurse for 5 years! (I could have gone back after 6 months, but the shame was just too terrible).

Unlike many nurses, I never believed that nursing was essential to my identity. I saw it as a decent job that let me do some good in the world, but many jobs meet this description.

Anyway, I wish I had some answers for your financial situation, but I urge you not to give up on yourself. You are a good, caring person and deserve the best. Don't let that nasty, critical voice in your head tell you otherwise! :no:

***HUGS***

Catmom :paw:

I agree completely Catmom!

Someone told me that "Forgiving yourself is finally realizing you will never have a better past."

Ain't it the truth! We are ALL worthy of forgieness.

Jack

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Specializes in Alzheimer's, Geriatrics, Chem. Dep..
Hi everyone, I realize by posting my story, Im going to probably get some mean,uncaring feedback from people who like to judge and think he/she is above having an "addiction" but at the same time, if I can help 1 nurse or professional from having to live my story, it will be worth it.....

I'm sure it will be a help. I'm 20 something years sober from alcohol and pot, only by the grace of God I was too chicken to try anything else - and pain meds made me manic! so I never really liked those either... I pray you get a good job and can do more than survive. I worked in recovery units when I had 5 years and it was very rewarding.

God bless and don't ever stop praying!

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Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.

tiak41,

PM or email me (see profile). I may have a contact that might be able to help with the job search.

Jack

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Specializes in Staff nurse.

Hugs to all of us who are recovering from anything that hurts us.

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Tiak41, I am so sorry you have had to go through so much hurtful stuff!:cry: I can relate to your story very much, but all of my troubles and rock bottom came before I even entered nursing school. I have 5 years C&S thank God:). I don't think you have to worry about anyone in this forum judging you and having anything but empathy and good wishes for you. Somehow I know everything will work itself out for you and your kids as long as you stay sober! I know its hard but hang in there, stay strong, and try to forgive yourself. I hope all the best for you, thanks for sharing.

Cosyla

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