My house is so empty.

[tropsnegRN, ADN, BSN, RN]

I’m a nurse. I’m a mom. I’m a wife.

I didn’t get any option or any warning when they turned the med-surg floor I work on into the designated COVID-19 unit.

I’m a NEW nurse. I will hit my year mark in the middle of a pandemic. This is NOT what I signed up for. I didn’t sign up to carry a N95 in a sack that I had to sign out and pray that it lasts me an indefinite time period. I wanted to help people, yes. I did NOT want to have to send my daughter to her grandparents for an indefinite amount of time.

My house is so quiet. There is no Paw Patrol on the TV. There is no running down the hallway. There is no laughter on the couch next to me. It’s just me and my husband...in silence.

Facetime sucks. I love seeing her and talking to her but I can’t hold her. I can’t give her night time snuggles and It hurts my heart when she says, “Mommy can you come get me tomorrow? I miss you.”

I signed up to be a nurse. To help my communities. To help my neighbors. To help to heal the sick and to comfort those who are hurting. I didn’t know it would cost me my own comfort. I didn’t know I would wake up for work in an intense anxiety full of fear to go to work. To worry about my mask. To worry about getting sick and possibly infecting my spouse. I keep seeing things around here and in other places that say, “...this is what you signed up for.” Definitely not.

I never in my life thought I would have to beg, borrow, cheat, or steal just to find ONE can of disinfectant spray. I don’t even live somewhere that is hit the hardest. I called around to several locations begging them to please just give me a call when their trucks come in to make an effort to disinfect my car.

None of this gives me peace.
None of this gives me sanity.
All I know is my house is too damn quiet and my mind is too damn loud.
I know I’m not alone in this but it sure feels like it.

Honestly, I’m just really scared.

Thank you to everyone that is helping battle this virus. Thank you for putting in your full effort. My heart goes out to those that have lost loved ones. ❤️

thanks for letting me vent.

[Schweet]

I am sorry you are going through this, that we all are. We are all doing the best we can by sending our kids away to keep them safe or our spouse spending the next few months at a motel. We all feel this pain and loneliness too. This too shall pass, one day we'll all feel a sense of normality again, even if it's the new normal. One day we'll look back at this time and know we made it through it. We can look forward to a future knowing we did our part.❤

[Marisette, BSN, RN]

I'm so sorry your going through this. No healthcare provider signed up to work with limted PPE.

Just know you are not going through this alone. There are a lot of empty homes out there because we don't want to be a source of infection to our loves ones. It's not easy. I hope it gets better soon. I'm praying for nothing less than a miracle. Be Safe.

[BeenThereGoingThere, BSN, RN]

My heart goes out to you. That sounds so painful. I'm very glad your husband didn't insist you be the one in the hotel though! At least you are in your own comfort zone. That seems small, but it really isn't. I hope this is over soon so you and your family can re-unite.

[tropsnegRN, ADN, BSN, RN]

6 minutes ago, BeenThereGoingThere said:

My heart goes out to you. That sounds so painful. I'm very glad your husband didn't insist you be the one in the hotel though! At least you are in your own comfort zone. That seems small, but it really isn't. I hope this is over soon so you and your family can re-unite.

I tried to get him to go stay with her at his parents but he refuses to do it. He said that he doesn’t want me to get sick and be by myself. I’ve insisted and he’s pushed back and said if I have to go through this then he’s going through it with me. We’re young(er), I’m about to be 30 and he’s 35. I wasn’t really concerned about myself getting sick until I read about the 30-year-old baseball coach, Ben Luderer, who passed and was seemingly much healthier than either me or my spouse are. I pray this virus stays out of my home.

[BeenThereGoingThere, BSN, RN]

I'm so glad you have a supportive loving husband. I pray the virus doesn't even touch you.

[Wuzzie]

You're husband sounds awesome!

[Naturally Brilliant, BSN, RN]

Now you understand what it's like to be single and ugly. At least you have your own family to look forward to when all of this is over. Imagine living this loneliness for the rest of your life.

[Wuzzie]

This ^

Although the ugly part is a little harsh.

[Naturally Brilliant, BSN, RN]

I actually give short shrift to the original post for another reason, too. Her nursing job is, before anything else, a job. It's a fiduciary relationship, not a marriage, and she has zero obligation to stay in it if she's not happy doing it. America is (still, as of this writing) a free country and nobody is compelling her to work at a job she feels constantly anxious and distraught over. No government is threatening to take away her license to practice if she doesn't take Corona patients. She can quit now and get another job after the crisis is over. Heck, she can even fill out the questionnaires her county has, meet the criteria for Coronavirus testing, and if she comes back negative, can rejoin her husband and child and go back to a relatively normal life. She says "I didn't sign up for this" and nobody is forcing her to be a martyr here. I'd tell her to resign to regain her peace and sanity.