My parents cried, they were so elated to finally get the vaccine. "We can finally not worry anymore and have the whole family over!" My Mom said this with such enthusiasm and it was the first time over the last 10 months she seemed carefree. I wanted to immediately correct her since she had this "I am untouchable now I got the vaccine" way of thinking but I will let her revel in it until the 2nd Vaccine. Instead, I politely reminded her full immunity comes a week or so after the 2nd shot. If she starts planning an Easter party, I may need to have a discussion sooner.
I thought to myself, how many people are thinking this way? Is this much anticipated, solution to our problems vaccine giving too many of us a false sense of security? (Of course, I'm exaggerating a little) After experiencing a similar emotion after my 2nd injection I sort of understand. I had a moment when I thought this changes everything, but does it really? As a nurse I already researched the vaccine, coming to the realization we don't know enough about the vaccine, and we can't to go back to regular life. I had to mourn the loss of my old life just like everyone else. Had to go thru the 5 stages of grief. The stages went something like this-
1-Denial
This isn't happening! Covid Must be like another flu. (Boy were we wrong)
2- Anger
Stay at Home! Can't tell me what to do...what, everything is closed...guess I will just stay home then.
3-Bargaining- Viva Las Vegas
If I just wear my mask, stay far apart then my 2020 Vegas trip will be just like before...nope, not the same. Life just is not the same.
4-Depression
My kids never going back to school, I am going out of my mind stuck in this house! On the super depressing side, I see patients, coworkers and friends dying. None of us have ever seen so much death. No time to dwell on this, no time to process these pesky emotions, back to work. I Will schedule appt with a therapist after all this is over... I.e. who knows when.
5- Acceptance
Not sure I have reached this one yet. Is tolerating something the same as acceptance? If so then I wavier between this stage and the last three depending on the day.
We all have our own version of this I assume. Every one of us going through this loss together but separately, not to mention the loved ones lost.
I feel encouraged by the vaccine, all the while black clouds of uncertainty loom overhead. I read things like this and feel again like we have a long road ahead.
- Safety and Effectiveness of a COVID-19 Vaccine
What I mean is this, after I got the vaccine I felt relief knowing I am less likely to get COVID. Unfortunately, studies haven't been done yet to determine if I could still carry and transmit it. I think that's the part so many of us are forgetting, which is easy to do. Maybe they will do studies and find otherwise but until then I am considering every risk I take. Am I wearing a mask at home? Obviously not, but when my friends say to me we should go out now since I have the vaccine and my parents say come over, I think not yet. I am in the thick of this, working with COVID + patients every shift and the risk is still too great. I would rather not even think about it, any of it. Alas everywhere I turn these thoughts invade my mind, situations bring up these questions and others.
I want to get out there so badly. I was even less cautious for maybe 4 months, back when things slowed down. Part of me wants to go out with them but wear a mask and be outside? I try to rationalize that if others see their extended families, then so could I. That's when my logical side kicks in and for me, at this point it's worth waiting a little while before a family reunion. I would feel horrible if I unknowingly brought an uninvited "guest".
So, thanks for letting me say my piece (sometimes wondering off topic but will bring it full circle here😏) Now that you know my inner struggle on this topic (sometimes hopeful, sometimes reality gets too real), I am wondering about others point of view who have been vaccinated, are you staying away for now or is the vaccine a green light for you to be around others? I know it's a personal choice but want to see other nurses' inner dialogue to see the reasons behind those choices.
Thanks,
❤ Schweet
