More Things You'd Love to be Able to say to Patients

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I had a vent I was all excited to share.... and found the thread to be closed. :-(

Some family are crazy!

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Specializes in NICU, ICU, PICU, Academia.

Yes. Yes it is 'tragic' that we are a Pepsi facility and you (and your visitors) specifically ordered a Coke. My apologies for what passes as a tragedy in your life.

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Specializes in NICU, ICU, PICU, Academia.

#2 - No sir, the reason your short-gut syndrome child has diarrhea is not the elemental formula we are feeding him - it is the Taco Bell burritos and Doritos you keep sneaking in. Pretty sure!

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Specializes in Med-Surg.

For the love of all that is holy, PLEASE let us know if you drink heavily at home on a daily basis. Because we will all be finding out the hard way. When you've been dry for a bit and start getting agitated, we will wonder. You will get the whole work over, blood draws, frequent vitals and neuro checks, all because we will think something might PHYSICALLY be wrong with you. If you had simply told us about your drinking problem, you could be getting sedation to help all of us stay safe and calm.

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Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

You are in restraints because you have tried to fall three times, are so drunk you can hardly speak, you collapsed into my arms, then my doc's arms, and you swing at/connected with my security gaurd. Denying each and every one of the above will not make me release you before it is safe.

Oh wait, I did say that.

(waiting for the sedation to kick in)

What I wanted to say is, you are a complete jerk, you don't need the antibiotics you keep whining about, you smell bad, you need to stop repeating yourself, and did I mention you whine too much?

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Oh yes let me stop doing CPR on this patient so I can order your mom a lunch tray. Sorry you had to hunt me down and find me to order food. I don't have dietary's number. Let me look oh there it is on your dry erase board. Oh and let me use that phone on the bed to call. What is all that noise coming from? Oh it's just the Code Blue alarm someone's heart stopped. (Something similar happened to me but this really happened to a coworker a while back).

She wanted to yell at the son to get the blank blank out of the room.

You want to leave AMA? Wait just a minute let me get something for you. Here is a paper that you can sign and I'll read it to you about the risks of leaving AMA. Oh you changed your mind because you thought myself and the charge nurse would talk you out of it.

I wanted to say we were glad you wanted to leave AMA and asked your doctor what your discharge plans were earlier but you said you were not capable of going home by yourself.

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Specializes in Emergency Room, Trauma ICU.

Hmm pretty sure the meth got into your urine cause you were doing meth! Shocking I know. Oh and yes I'm sure that meth is doing wonderful things to your unborn baby.

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Specializes in rehab.

Please stop trying to sell us nurses your watered down cranberry juice is bloody urine. If it's that bloody I don't think you'd be pacing the unit talking to others and having fun. And while we're at it no I won't drink it. And no sorry that we went and made you give up all of your hidden meds in your room but really selling us watered down cranberry juice won't work.

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Specializes in rehab.

Tell you what you take that oxygen off one. more. time and de-sat to 60% I will duct tape it to your head! I know where our supply is!

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Specializes in LTC.

I'm so glad we don't have "Customer service surveys" here.

I get away with this-

"I'M GOING AMA!!!"

"K. Here's a box."

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-What the f*** do you think this is, Mcdonalds?

-Sorry, I had more serious patients I had to attend to. Oh, you want to leave after ONLY an hour? Go ahead! An hour's not a long time to wait for results in the ER, but if you want to be a jerk about it, be my guest.

-There are some people that personify the term useless eater, and you are one such person.

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Specializes in rehab.

~Oh you want to go AMA. Please do. Let me close my eyes, count to ten. Now while I'm counting you run for that door and don't look back.

~Oh I'm sorry, you want me to talk to you. Ok I just spent an hour in here talking with you. Really you need me again, life or death? Sure what's wrong? Oh you just wanted to tell me you needed juice. Yeah, sorry I think about 4 others need me for an hour. So maybe your "life or death" juice will come in about 4 hours.

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