6 months clean but so STRESSED!

[NewBeginnings84]

I'm new to this site, but I am so glad that I found it. I originally started out as a med/surg nurse 4 years ago, but 2 years ago our unit merged with the oncology unit at my hospital. I had no desire to become an oncology nurse because I knew I was not suited for it, but my manager gave me a long guilt trip about how I needed to step up and be a leader for the unit. Being a young nurse and a huge people pleaser, I caved to it. Added to that, I had just started graduate school in the FNP program and I did not think I should switch jobs and add even more stress. I told myself I could learn to like oncology. After all, other nurses seemed to love it.

I would end up taking care of 3 or more end of life patients at a time, in addition to 3 or 4 other patients. I could not give them the time I needed and felt so guilty. Some of the deaths were horrible to witness. I began having nightmares where I would relive some of the worst deaths and also dream that my patients were begging me to save them. I would wake up having a panic attack, which I had never had before and be unable to get back to sleep. Since I usually woke up around 2 or 3, that made for some long and lonely nights. I tried sleep aids, but nothing made the nightmares stop.

I ended up in the hospital in May 2010 for high fevers and abdominal pain. During this stay I was given Dilaudid, and I noticed that when I took that, I had no nightmares or any dreams at all. I got better and went back to work, still having the nightmares. After a few more months, in August 2010, I was desperate enough for relief that the idea of diverting Dilaudid didn't seem like such a bad idea. I know now how bad off I was because this was completely out of character. I've been a "goody-goody" my entire life and had never stolen anything or used illegal drugs before. Anyway, I diverted the Dilaudid and used it that night. The idea of using intravenously freaked me out, so I used a very small amount intramuscularly. I slept finally. So I did it again and again and again. I had so many rationalizations for using. I told myself I only used the waste, I never used at work, I only used a small amount at night so I could sleep....and on and on.

I was finally sleeping, but I had never been more depressed in my entire life. I am normally very optimistic and happy, but I found myself trying to sleep as much as possible so I would not have to face my life. I had a job I hated, school that was stressing me out, no social life because of being depressed, and a drug problem that I was scared to death I would be caught about. I acted like I was fine, but spent as much time alone as possible because it was so exhausting putting on a happy face.

Fast forward to January 2011. I get called into my manager's office and she tells me that I am suspected of diverting. I panicked and denied it. She told me that she would have to escort me to Employee Health for a drug screen. It had been 3 days since I had last used, so I was hopeful it would be negative. I was so scared that it took me forever to be able to urinate. After that, I was suspended until the urine drug screen came back.I went home and flushed the drugs I had down the toilet. Because I was using such a small amount infrequently, I was lucky enough not to have any withdrawal symptoms. For some reason, it took 3 WEEKS for this test to come back. These 3 weeks were the most horrible of my entire life. I was so ashamed and did not want anyone to know I had been suspended, so I acted like I was still going to work. In reality, I was sitting at home in limbo and unable to function due to my panic. I was terrified of my phone ringing and hearing bad news. I was terrified the police were going to come arrest me. I couldn't seem to do my schoolwork or much of anything. And since I still refused to reach out, I went through all this alone.

I finally heard back and got the bad news that I tested positive. I was fired from my job and self-reported to the North Carolina BON before the hospital did it for me. I was enrolled in the alternative to discipline program. I withdrew from school, which meant the $20,000 I had had to take out in loans was basically for nothing. I immediately got into treatment. Amazingly, even though my life was pretty much in shambles, I was hopeful and somewhat happy for the first time in a long time. My family could not understand it, and for that matter neither did I really, but I felt like even though I had a hard road ahead of me, things would work out. To my surprise, I enjoyed treatment somewhat. It felt good to let everything out. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and started trying to deal with that too. Slowly but surely, the nightmares diminished. I jumped through all the hoops the BON put in front of me. Reports galore, medication lists, observed drug testing, etc. I started going to meetings and got a sponsor. Unfortunately, that sponsor quit returning my phone calls and stopped showing up for meetings right around the time I could apply to have my license reinstated. For that to occur, I had to have a letter from my sponsor, who was now AWOL. I called the BON and was told that since I needed a new sponsor, I would have to wait another 2 months to reapply so that my new sponsor could get to know me well enough to write a letter. I was crushed. I was working so hard at my recovery and felt like I was being punished for something I had no control over. I was angry a couple days, but then told myself I was hurting no one but me. Being angry would not change the BON's decision and I could not afford resentments.

I am now in a Recovering Nurses Aftercare group, which I really enjoy. I have 6 months clean and sober under my belt, which feels great. I can apply to have my license reinstated at the end of August. But now, I am finding myself more and more stressed. I have been unable to find a non-nursing job while waiting, and now my savings are almost gone. My parents go back and forth about helping me out, so I am not counting on them. I do not want to have to move into their house because through recovery I have learned that they are not a healthy influence, but I may have no choice. I feel like I need to move to another city to get a fresh start, but that takes money too. I don't know how long it will take to get a nursing job. I am having health problems, but can't go to the doctor because I have no insurance. I've said the Serenity Prayer more times than I care to remember. I've trying to turn things over to my Higher Power, but it is difficult sometimes. I have no desire to use, which is no small thing, but I am also feeling somewhat blue. Not depressed like I was, but having more difficulty thinking things will turn out okay. I was thinking about trying to get off my antidepressant since it costs me $180 a month without insurance, but I don't think that is a great idea right now. I just have so many difficult decisions to make in my immediate future and could use some encouragement. I felt so alone for so long, and it really helps to know that there are other people in the same situation. I know this post is freakishly long, but it felt therapeutic to write the whole story out. Thanks for listening.

[thelema13]

Stay strong. Stay clean. Opiates are nothing to mess with. Keep your head up and remember what is really important- you getting back to work to help the sick and needy. Good luck.

[nowim clean]

Work your steps and focus on your recovery. I also am 6 months clean mine was for alcohol abuse but the restrictions are the same NC BON. Take life one day at a time do not live in tomorrow. As long as you stay clean you have hope of getting a job. One use and it back to square one. Good luck.

[catmom1, BSN, RN]

Dear Newbeginnings84-

Believe it or not, you are doing great! I know you are feeling down right now, but that is part of life. The important thing is that you are working on your recovery and eventually the job stuff will work out. It takes time to learn to handle emotions without destructive escapes.

Sometimes we have to tolerate feeling crappy because that is part of life for everyone. I learned early on that any bad feeling was not a 911 emergency and did not need to be fixed with an addiction.

Of course, we do what we can with affirmations, prayer, calling a friend or sponsor, etc, but sometimes we just have to tough it out until it passes. And it will.

There is no situation so bad that I can't make it worse by practicing my addiction(s). Period.

***HUGS***

Catmom :paw:

[jmo1231]

Wow! Congratulations on getting and staying clean thats no small accomplishment. Life on life terms so hard at times as you are experiencing. I too am going through alot of problems from my addiction. Just try and stay focused and keep your higher power in mind! :heartbeat. I know it sounds redundant but thats what seems to work the best for me although hard at times to keep the faith.....I just try and work my program and apply it to these ups n downs we call LIFE.....I hope that helps!

[RecoverRN]

I honestly feel for you. My situation is somewhat similar. I began diverting from work and was confronted and asked to take a drug screen. Difference is, I panicked and refused, was terminated and chose to self-report to the board before the hospital did it for me. I was basically putting myself at their mercy and realized after the fact that many nurses who have done the same have had their licenses immediately suspended or revoked. I was given the opportunity to enroll in the state monitoring program and am eternally grateful for that.

My use had escalated to a higher frequency than yours by the time I was caught, but like you, I was scared and ashamed enough to rid myself of the substances I had and stop using. I DID experience withdrawal and depression and all those terrible things that come after addiction, but somehow I made it through those weeks. Like you, I refused to reach out and ask for help. I admitted my problem to no one. The shame and fear was crippling. As someone who had never "messed up" before (also a self-proclaimed goody-goody), it seemed impossible to admit that i had made a giant mistake and needed help restructuring my life and career. I felt that no one would understand.

Like you, my friends and family are not the most understanding or supportive. I have found the support and sense of "family" I crave in my recovery community. I can't begin to explain the relief I felt once I realized that other people had made similar mistakes as me, and weren't going to judge me for it!

I hope things work out for you. Continue working hard in your recovery and the rest will follow. We have all had to pay such high prices due to our addictions, and sometimes it's frustrating when those consequences are still coming back to bite you in the a$$ even after you've done all that you need to do and more for your own recovery. We have to remind ourselves that these are all consequences of our addictive behaviors, accept them and try to overcome them. Be proud of your sobriety! You've worked hard to achieve six months and I hope that your BON will appreciate that soon and restore you to practice. Good luck!

[stellarweb]

Hang in there. Take one step at a time and before you know it, you will be where you want to be. And you are right about anger and resentments. You will be better off without them.