NewBeginnings84

I'm new to this site, but I am so glad that I found it. I originally started out as a med/surg nurse 4 years ago, but 2 years ago our unit merged with the oncology unit at my hospital. I had no desire to become an oncology nurse because I knew I was not suited for it, but my manager gave me a long guilt trip about how I needed to step up and be a leader for the unit. Being a young nurse and a huge people pleaser, I caved to it. Added to that, I had just started graduate school in the FNP program and I did not think I should switch jobs and add even more stress. I told myself I could learn to like oncology. After all, other nurses seemed to love it. I would end up taking care of 3 or more end of life patients at a time, in addition to 3 or 4 other patients. I could not give them the time I needed and felt so guilty. Some of the deaths were horrible to witness. I began having nightmares where I would relive some of the worst deaths and also dream that my patients were begging me to save them. I would wake up having a panic attack, which I had never had before and be unable to get back to sleep. Since I usually woke up around 2 or 3, that made for some long and lonely nights. I tried sleep aids, but nothing made the nightmares stop. I ended up in the hospital in May 2010 for high fevers and abdominal pain. During this stay I was given Dilaudid, and I noticed that when I took that, I had no nightmares or any dreams at all. I got better and went back to work, still having the nightmares. After a few more months, in August 2010, I was desperate enough for relief that the idea of diverting Dilaudid didn't seem like such a bad idea. I know now how bad off I was because this was completely out of character. I've been a "goody-goody" my entire life and had never stolen anything or used illegal drugs before. Anyway, I diverted the Dilaudid and used it that night. The idea of using intravenously freaked me out, so I used a very small amount intramuscularly. I slept finally. So I did it again and again and again. I had so many rationalizations for using. I told myself I only used the waste, I never used at work, I only used a small amount at night so I could sleep....and on and on. I was finally sleeping, but I had never been more depressed in my entire life. I am normally very optimistic and happy, but I found myself trying to sleep as much as possible so I would not have to face my life. I had a job I hated, school that was stressing me out, no social life because of being depressed, and a drug problem that I was scared to death I would be caught about. I acted like I was fine, but spent as much time alone as possible because it was so exhausting putting on a happy face. Fast forward to January 2011. I get called into my manager's office and she tells me that I am suspected of diverting. I panicked and denied it. She told me that she would have to escort me to Employee Health for a drug screen. It had been 3 days since I had last used, so I was hopeful it would be negative. I was so scared that it took me forever to be able to urinate. After that, I was suspended until the urine drug screen came back.I went home and flushed the drugs I had down the toilet. Because I was using such a small amount infrequently, I was lucky enough not to have any withdrawal symptoms. For some reason, it took 3 WEEKS for this test to come back. These 3 weeks were the most horrible of my entire life. I was so ashamed and did not want anyone to know I had been suspended, so I acted like I was still going to work. In reality, I was sitting at home in limbo and unable to function due to my panic. I was terrified of my phone ringing and hearing bad news. I was terrified the police were going to come arrest me. I couldn't seem to do my schoolwork or much of anything. And since I still refused to reach out, I went through all this alone. I finally heard back and got the bad news that I tested positive. I was fired from my job and self-reported to the North Carolina BON before the hospital did it for me. I was enrolled in the alternative to discipline program. I withdrew from school, which meant the $20,000 I had had to take out in loans was basically for nothing. I immediately got into treatment. Amazingly, even though my life was pretty much in shambles, I was hopeful and somewhat happy for the first time in a long time. My family could not understand it, and for that matter neither did I really, but I felt like even though I had a hard road ahead of me, things would work out. To my surprise, I enjoyed treatment somewhat. It felt good to let everything out. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and started trying to deal with that too. Slowly but surely, the nightmares diminished. I jumped through all the hoops the BON put in front of me. Reports galore, medication lists, observed drug testing, etc. I started going to meetings and got a sponsor. Unfortunately, that sponsor quit returning my phone calls and stopped showing up for meetings right around the time I could apply to have my license reinstated. For that to occur, I had to have a letter from my sponsor, who was now AWOL. I called the BON and was told that since I needed a new sponsor, I would have to wait another 2 months to reapply so that my new sponsor could get to know me well enough to write a letter. I was crushed. I was working so hard at my recovery and felt like I was being punished for something I had no control over. I was angry a couple days, but then told myself I was hurting no one but me. Being angry would not change the BON's decision and I could not afford resentments. I am now in a Recovering Nurses Aftercare group, which I really enjoy. I have 6 months clean and sober under my belt, which feels great. I can apply to have my license reinstated at the end of August. But now, I am finding myself more and more stressed. I have been unable to find a non-nursing job while waiting, and now my savings are almost gone. My parents go back and forth about helping me out, so I am not counting on them. I do not want to have to move into their house because through recovery I have learned that they are not a healthy influence, but I may have no choice. I feel like I need to move to another city to get a fresh start, but that takes money too. I don't know how long it will take to get a nursing job. I am having health problems, but can't go to the doctor because I have no insurance. I've said the Serenity Prayer more times than I care to remember. I've trying to turn things over to my Higher Power, but it is difficult sometimes. I have no desire to use, which is no small thing, but I am also feeling somewhat blue. Not depressed like I was, but having more difficulty thinking things will turn out okay. I was thinking about trying to get off my antidepressant since it costs me $180 a month without insurance, but I don't think that is a great idea right now. I just have so many difficult decisions to make in my immediate future and could use some encouragement. I felt so alone for so long, and it really helps to know that there are other people in the same situation. I know this post is freakishly long, but it felt therapeutic to write the whole story out. Thanks for listening.