Mom is charge nurse

Editorial Team / Admin · May 1

It's possible there is a policy that your facility has regarding family members on the same unit and any restrictions such as:

completely not allowed and one will be required to transfer
permitted as long as one is not in a formal supervisory role one the other
permitted as long as one is not in a formal or non-formal supervisory role (like charge)
permitted

You'll need to research your facility's policies.

MarkMyWords · May 4

Not all mothers support and favor their adult children. Some are critical and some will do anything for them.

kbrn2002, ADN, RN · May 6

Where I used to work there were two sisters, one was a Unit Manager, and one was a floor nurse, They worked different units which was allowed. The sister that had been Unit Manger was promoted to ADON, then DON. There were concerns about favoritism but nobody ever saw any blatant favoritism so eventually talk died down. They are both still in those roles several years later with no issues. I'm guessing it was allowed because while the DON is supervisor of all nursing, the floor nurse sister's direct supervisor is the Unit Manager? It would have been against policy for them to work the same unit if one was the direct supervisor of the other. Check your facility policy to see what it says about relatives or significant others working together.

JKL33 · Jun 2

Quote

There is some preferential treatment going on but it's hard to pinpoint.

Shouldn't be. What is the preferential treatment that you have witnessed?

Quote

I don't think it's fair that her mom has potential say over whether I get a new admission or she does, and if there is a dispute between us we go to her mom?

How many new admissions have you received that she should have received? And how many disputes has her mother needed to adjudicate between the two of you?

Quote

Also if patients are complaining to the charge nurse shouldn't they know they're complaining to her mom?

That is for your employer to worry about.

Quote

I hate this situation so much and it's making me feel paranoid

It may help to focus on taking excellent care of patients and maintaining the best possible peer/coworker professional relationships that you can. Worrying about this stuff is not helping you achieve either of these goals.

Neither here nor there, but if my child worked under me they would probably be the disadvantaged one because of my confidence in their abilities and also because I would know that if I put a little extra work on them they wouldn't work themselves up into a fury or make false reports against me or in general stir up trouble over it that could affect my career.

As others advised, check your employer's policies. And if you do not have any substantial facts to support your annoyance, let it go and spend your energy more wisely.

GracePressure · Jun 2

JKL33 said:

Shouldn't be. What is the preferential treatment that you have witnessed?

How many new admissions have you received that she should have received? And how many disputes has her mother needed to adjudicate between the two of you?

That is for your employer to worry about.

It may help to focus on taking excellent care of patients and maintaining the best possible peer/coworker professional relationships that you can. Worrying about this stuff is not helping you achieve either of these goals.

Neither here nor there, but if my child worked under me they would probably be the disadvantaged one because of my confidence in their abilities and also because I would know that if I put a little extra work on them they wouldn't work themselves up into a fury or make false reports against me or in general stir up trouble over it that could affect my career.

As others advised, check your employer's policies. And if you do not have any substantial facts to support your annoyance, let it go and spend your energy more wisely.

Your post is condescending. I do focus on providing excellent care, thank you very much.

One of the things every nurse should be aware of is where there are potentials for errors and a self awareness of personal values and boundaries.

What if the charge nurse's manager was her own mother? And the director of care their aunt? How many layers of this are acceptable for potential risk of favouritism and obvious conflict of interest? This mother and daughter that live together, is one of them really going to make a report to the board when necessary if they witnessed something inappropriate?

A charge nurse is a supervisory role.

The favouritism I have witnessed is how the charge nurse behaves towards others and how she behaves towards her own daughter. Willingness to help, how much time she spends talking her daughter versus asking others if they need help, and absence of setting limits and calling inappropriate behaviour such as swearing. There was also an underreporting of an error the daughter nurse made.

The number of admissions that went to me instead of her daughter is irrelevant. If I tell you it's 4 or 6 in the last month does it make a difference?

JKL33 · Jun 4

GracePressure said:

Your post is condescending. I do focus on providing excellent care, thank you very much.

One of the things every nurse should be aware of is where there are potentials for errors and a self awareness of personal values and boundaries.

What if the charge nurse's manager was her own mother? And the director of care their aunt? How many layers of this are acceptable for potential risk of favouritism and obvious conflict of interest? This mother and daughter that live together, is one of them really going to make a report to the board when necessary if they witnessed something inappropriate?

A charge nurse is a supervisory role.

The favouritism I have witnessed is how the charge nurse behaves towards others and how she behaves towards her own daughter. Willingness to help, how much time she spends talking her daughter versus asking others if they need help, and absence of setting limits and calling inappropriate behaviour such as swearing. There was also an underreporting of an error the daughter nurse made.

The number of admissions that went to me instead of her daughter is irrelevant. If I tell you it's 4 or 6 in the last month does it make a difference?

I understand all of that. I've been in nursing quite awhile. My post may seem terse; my intention was to get right down to facts, not to be condescending. I find it a very useful practice in situations like this. It's a tool/approach I use in my own life when I'm becoming temped to focus in ways that I have come to believe are not as healthy as other choices.

You can be disgruntled about what I wrote, that's certainly your prerogative...but I try not to come on here for the sole purpose of picking at people. Sometimes I write things that are hard to hear or think—though they aren't anything I haven't had to do myself.

With regard to your last question/statement, no it is certainly not irrelevant, especially if the answer is zero (or rarely/almost never). That's why I asked the question and you chose not to answer.

I will leave you with this, which is the message I meant to get at:

Life turns out to be shorter (or feel shorter) than it feels like when one is 5, 15, 20 years old. We have a great deal of say in how we spend our years, however many they turn out to be. If your work situation is intolerable to you then your basic choices are to 1) put up with it 2) try to change it 3) leave. Only you can weigh the risks and benefits of each choice. My personal belief is that it's wise to be discerning in what we spend our energy on. If this is intolerable to you either leave or else start talking to your superiors about your concerns and let the chips fall where they may.

I think you have other good choices here but you have to be open to considering them.

take care ~

Wuzzie · Jun 4

Tagging on to what JKL has said you need to figure out if this is a big enough issue for you to proceed with making a complaint and that you are willing to deal with the fallout which will likely be very unpleasant for you.

TLDR: Is this the hill you want to die on?

GracePressure · Jun 6

JKL33 said:

I understand all of that. I've been in nursing quite awhile. My post may seem terse; my intention was to get right down to facts, not to be condescending. I find it a very useful practice in situations like this. It's a tool/approach I use in my own life when I'm becoming temped to focus in ways that I have come to believe are not as healthy as other choices.

You can be disgruntled about what I wrote, that's certainly your prerogative...but I try not to come on here for the sole purpose of picking at people. Sometimes I write things that are hard to hear or think—though they aren't anything I haven't had to do myself.

With regard to your last question/statement, no it is certainly not irrelevant, especially if the answer is zero (or rarely/almost never). That's why I asked the question and you chose not to answer.

I will leave you with this, which is the message I meant to get at:

Life turns out to be shorter (or feel shorter) than it feels like when one is 5, 15, 20 years old. We have a great deal of say in how we spend our years, however many they turn out to be. If your work situation is intolerable to you then your basic choices are to 1) put up with it 2) try to change it 3) leave. Only you can weigh the risks and benefits of each choice. My personal belief is that it's wise to be discerning in what we spend our energy on. If this is intolerable to you either leave or else start talking to your superiors about your concerns and let the chips fall where they may.

I think you have other good choices here but you have to be open to considering them.

take care ~

That makes sense. We have to choose what we put our energy into. I think that having structures in place at work that reduce risks of errors and inappropriate behaviour is important. Our society is built on these structures and our trust in health care might be diminished if we see professionals not adhering to certain standards. You said earlier that if it was your daughter working under you she would have a higher workload potentially as you would not be worried about her making complaints. That's your take on it and I believe you. You may be a different person in your values and work ethic. Have you ever worked in a place where there was obvious structural unfairness and everyone around you was afraid to say something? Nobody wants to jeopardize anything and tolerates it quietly. That's not good for anyone. People get burnt out faster and the morale goes down. It is a big issue. I have always looked up to people who stand up to bullies even when it's hard because it's the right thing to do and now I am figuring out if I have that courage.

JKL33 · Jun 6

I don't disagree with your general train of thought about staying quiet when things are wrong or putting up with a terrible work environment.

I'm just cautioning that unfairness is all around...everywhere. Everywhere you look. It could consume you. We cannot individually solve all of the world's problems. Yes there is something to be said for "being part of the solution,” but again those are choices that have to be made with discretion because otherwise we run out of resources, literally: time, physical energy, emotional stamina, money to pay our bills, etc.

I have not yet met another human (at least not one of my economic strata) who has the resources to do nothing but crusade against various common unfairnesses all day every day. So we DO make choices, all of us. We decide which of these types of things are going to command our energy.

We decide: Am I going to focus on this...or THIS. We have various ways of deciding: how much is it impacting me? Is it seriously and tangibly hurting someone else? Is it a serious illegal activity? Is it seriously immoral/unethical? Do I have reason to think I can change something for the better? Is this thing a risk that I need to protect myself from? Etc, etc

It's kind of like the deprioritizing we sometimes have to do in nursing even if we wish it weren't so: Nope I didn't get to X because my patient coded.

In your situation, I would first make sure I'm providing the best care that I can so that people don't have GOOD reason to criticize me on a professional level. I would also try to make sure I'm interacting with my coworkers in a warm/generally friendly professional manner so that people didn't have a GOOD reason to criticize my behavior/collegiality. From there I would ask myself to be honest and careful in assessing the actual harms or wrongs that are occurring with the bothersome situation. Lastly, if I did all that and decided that this was intolerable I would then assess whether it was a situation I stood a good chance of being able to change.

As @Wuzzie said, are you prepared to die on this hill? I do think there's a very decent chance that you will experience negativity up to and possibly including being terminated, and possibly with fall-out that goes beyond "bye, you're fired.” They could cook up some false allegations to support their cause, for example.

Remember this, too: A LOT of people enjoy having a lifestyle where they aren't gonna let anyone "bully" them; they're always gonna have their say and try to put people in their place. IT IS OFTEN A LOSING GAME EVEN IF IT FEELS GOOD IN THE MOMENT.

Choosing wisely and using good discretion is the opposite of being a pushover.

Please don't take anything I've written as if I am criticizing you. I don't know you. I'm just writing how I think. If it is useful to you, great.

👍🏼