Married or in a committed relationship students

amoLucia · Aug 28, 2020

Not a psych specialist here, but sounds like your wife may be more into a serious depression than you may know. Usually the tell-tale signs are the decline in personal grooming and the extreme social isolation. And yes, she may resent being the sole breadwinner.

Now I realize that you weren't specifically posting about your wife, but I do think she has issues that will need to be addressed for you to succeed.

So for you, having a part-time CNA job may help the situation. At least there will be some additional income. You may also have to consider changing your standard of living. It's not nec to always have an empty dishwasher and laundry can pile up a little. Some things may just have to slide a little. Just remember that your twins may be needing some extra TLC at this time. If your wife is down on herself, the twins may be feeling alone and need your attn now more than ever.

I truly admire your determination and effort to succeed for a nsg career. And your concern for your wife in these times. Just a thought, any chance she might be jealous/envious of you for striving to become a nurse? Maybe she wanted to do so also? And now she super resents having to be the financial support for your household?

I know YOU know this, but please continue to strive to maintain your scholarship = monies.

Sorry, I don't have a lot of suggestions for you. And I know you just can't drag your wife in to see a counselor/doctor.

Hang in there. And good luck to you. Please check back with us to let us know how things work out.

melcuba, BSN, LPN, RN · Aug 30, 2020

I was in an identical situation just that I'm a woman, while my husband resented my dedication to obtaining my lpn and now my RN. Alot of it is resentment and the fact that you are putting your goals before the family( not my opinion, just repeating my husband's take). Just keep postive reinforcement and say that this will benefit the family in the long run. She probably feels that since she is the breadwinner household chores shouldn;t be her priority. If you can work part time then do so. You must bend on that and like the previous commenter said, it;s OK if it's behind. Ask her does she have any aspirations, that she may want to accomplish. Tell her daily that you appreciate her supporting the family. I understand how you feel, I was there as well. Keep pushing, keep your eye on the prize!

JKL33 · Sep 3, 2020

I know funds are tight but get someone to help you out at a time that is convenient for both you and your wife to get away from the house together, even if it's just walking around the block or in a park or somewhere/anything. [I wouldn't go for some kind of official "date night" thing, though....sounds like that might be rejected]. Ask her to please join you.

Say something neutral to open the convo, such as, "I know we have a lot going on raising our family and both trying to work in ways that support our family. I was hoping we could talk about it. I love and care about you."

Be very careful diagnosing any problem or making any assumptions. Just don't. You need to listen and gain information. If she begins to share anything, just listen and affirm.

It is very difficult caring for young children, you have my compassion/understanding for the work you've been doing. Many....countless women have done it while trying to attend to other duties, and now more men are, too.

No offense, but you need to stop being ready to pull out your non-existent hair. ? You've got to stay calm if you care about this at all.

Best wishes~

TwinDaddy, CNA · Sep 3, 2020

23 minutes ago, JKL33 said:

I know funds are tight but get someone to help you out at a time that is convenient for both you and your wife to get away from the house together, even if it's just walking around the block or in a park or somewhere/anything. [I wouldn't go for some kind of official "date night" thing, though....sounds like that might be rejected]. Ask her to please join you.

Say something neutral to open the convo, such as, "I know we have a lot going on raising our family and both trying to work in ways that support our family. I was hoping we could talk about it. I love and care about you."

Be very careful diagnosing any problem or making any assumptions. Just don't. You need to listen and gain information. If she begins to share anything, just listen and affirm.

It is very difficult caring for young children, you have my compassion/understanding for the work you've been doing. Many....countless women have done it while trying to attend to other duties, and now more men are, too.

No offense, but you need to stop being ready to pull out your non-existent hair. ? You've got to stay calm if you care about this at all.

Best wishes~

Thank you. I haven't pull the virtual hair out at all. I did, however get into nursing school for Spring today. I also have a scholarship to pay for the program. So financing the program is taken care of. I think somehow I want to work to at least make my vehicle payments, cable bill and electricity. I have taken all non-nursing classes before school starts (well I'm in Micro and Pharm now). I'm just looking forward to starting school and further developing my time management skills.

bitter_betsy, BSN · Sep 4, 2020

Before you really decide to get a job to "help out", figure out if the strain of the hours away from home and your family really do "help out". There is a financial cost for keeping up a home. If your children are currently at home, will it cost more to have help to care for them while you are away? How much of a strain will it be to grocery shop? How long can you go on minimal sleep and still retain what you study?

Somehow you need to have a conversation with your wife to get her on board or at least figure out where she is so you can come up with a plan to get this done without her help if necessary. Children require time, housework requires time, studying requires time, driving to school requires time, a job requires time and your wife should require time and you certainly require time for yourself to destress. You only have so much time to dish out and you can only dish from both ends for so long.

In our house we determined what had to be done and what we could deal with not getting done. We spoke daily about who would stop at the store for what needed to be bought that day. It was a give and take every day. My child was older so that wasn't an issue, but for the most part my fella did just about everything so that I could focus on school. Now that I have graduated, I am doing just about everything so that he can focus on the things he gave up for 2 years. I even do all the yard work. I absolutely hate it but refuse to leave it for him or pay someone to do it because he is working so hard to get our savings back up to a level he is comfortable with.

You cannot change your wife, but you can change your response to your wife. Covid has brought many new issues into our homes. Maybe she is depressed, maybe she is disappointed, maybe she is grieving dreams that can't/won't/haven't come true. Maybe she is sad you spend more time with the children than her. Maybe she is sad that she can't spend time with the children like you do. Whatever it is - it seems that she needs extra support right now. Not that you aren't already - but try being supportive in different ways. Its amazing what a simple bath can do to reset a person.

The most important thing is to get her talking because you need to get it all sorted before January. You can do this even if she isn't on board, it just may require additional planning and help from others. Don't give up and don't delay. Just plan for the worst and pray for the best. You CAN do this!

Workitinurfava, BSN, RN · Sep 6, 2020

On 8/26/2020 at 1:54 AM, TwinDaddy said:

I'm hopefully starting my actual nursing program in January. For the last year I've been somewhat a SAHD. I was the domestic engineer. When this past Summer I began my prerequisites for nursing school, my wife maintained her regular functions. So while I was still cleaning and homeschooling the twins (1st grade) she worked from home and during the day cut everyone and everything off. It got worse in that she stopped grooming, doesn't help with the boys or just laundry. In addition to taking both sections of A&P this Summer and currently in Microbiology for Fall, I still have to do the other duties. I've tried to continually explain how hard nursing school can be and the last few classes are just the beginning. I do not think she really supports me in school. I told her.that with my application score I was almost assured to get in. She let out a faint "yay". Right now she makes about $65k annually. My unemployment has run out and the only funds I have are Scholarships to pay for school.

Even with prerequisites I'm up after I put the kids to bed until 2am doing my homework. Then back up around 8am to start all over. I still do the grocery shopping, household duties and there is ZERO intimacy. I am NOT withdrawing from school. That is not an option. I don't know what I can do to get her to understand that I'm always tired, have little time to do anything else and that it will get worse for a while.

I think she resents being the sole earner in the home. I feel I may have to at least work enough to pay my car payment and two bills. I am thinking 2 shifts as a CNA someplace. Add that log to the fire and something has to give.

Does anyone have advice from being in a similar situation? I'm at my wits end and don't have hair to pull out.

Whatever is going on now needs to be dealt with at some point, because when you start working as an RN both of you will face new challenges. Being an RN can often times feel like you are married to the career. The sacrifices and commitment required to do this work have contributed to the demise of many marriages. The two of you need to be indestructible in order for you to be able to do this type of work and keep your marriage together.

TwinDaddy, CNA · Sep 6, 2020

On 9/4/2020 at 10:43 AM, bitter_betsy said:

Before you really decide to get a job to "help out", figure out if the strain of the hours away from home and your family really do "help out". There is a financial cost for keeping up a home. If your children are currently at home, will it cost more to have help to care for them while you are away? How much of a strain will it be to grocery shop? How long can you go on minimal sleep and still retain what you study?

Somehow you need to have a conversation with your wife to get her on board or at least figure out where she is so you can come up with a plan to get this done without her help if necessary. Children require time, housework requires time, studying requires time, driving to school requires time, a job requires time and your wife should require time and you certainly require time for yourself to destress. You only have so much time to dish out and you can only dish from both ends for so long.

In our house we determined what had to be done and what we could deal with not getting done. We spoke daily about who would stop at the store for what needed to be bought that day. It was a give and take every day. My child was older so that wasn't an issue, but for the most part my fella did just about everything so that I could focus on school. Now that I have graduated, I am doing just about everything so that he can focus on the things he gave up for 2 years. I even do all the yard work. I absolutely hate it but refuse to leave it for him or pay someone to do it because he is working so hard to get our savings back up to a level he is comfortable with.

You cannot change your wife, but you can change your response to your wife. Covid has brought many new issues into our homes. Maybe she is depressed, maybe she is disappointed, maybe she is grieving dreams that can't/won't/haven't come true. Maybe she is sad you spend more time with the children than her. Maybe she is sad that she can't spend time with the children like you do. Whatever it is - it seems that she needs extra support right now. Not that you aren't already - but try being supportive in different ways. Its amazing what a simple bath can do to reset a person.

The most important thing is to get her talking because you need to get it all sorted before January. You can do this even if she isn't on board, it just may require additional planning and help from others. Don't give up and don't delay. Just plan for the worst and pray for the best. You CAN do this!

I guess I'm angry. I've asked in therapy what to do and it always comes back to what I can do to make everyone else more comfortable. Not a single person ever says what they can do to help and support me. It's tiring, infuriating and exhaustive. I don't have anymore left to dole out for someone else to take. I am extremely tired. I thank you so much for your advice. I truly appreciate it. I have been mentally and emotionally taxed. I have a reserve earmarked for school. I cannot give that up.

13 minutes ago, Workitinurfava said:

Whatever is going on now needs to be dealt with at some point, because when you start working as an RN both of you will face new challenges. Being an RN can often times feel like you are married to the career. The sacrifices and commitment required to do this work have contributed to the demise of many marriages. The two of you need to be indestructible in order for you to be able to do this type of work and keep your marriage together.

Bless you. I can imagine the strain.

Workitinurfava, BSN, RN · Sep 6, 2020

I also want to add that your wife will have to speak up (say what she is going through so that you can help her). You may spend your whole life trying to figure it out if she doesn't tell you. You need her to be engaged eventually (sooner than later) or if not then a plan B needs to be figured out. You seem to be doing quite a bit and definitely stick with your goals. Regardless of the outcome of your marriage, you and your wife will always be a family due to your kids. She will need your financial support and you will need hers in raising your kids.

bitter_betsy, BSN · Sep 6, 2020

8 hours ago, Workitinurfava said:

Regardless of the outcome of your marriage, you and your wife will always be a family due to your kids. She will need your financial support and you will need hers in raising your kids.

Let me add that I divorced my grade school sweetheart for a myriad of reasons - mental health mostly. If we had some older, encouraging adult support - we might have made it. What it did require was 3 years of counseling AFTER the divorce so that we could have a civil conversation about our daughter. We did not speak outside of counseling for those first 3 years. Everything was hand written even standing in front of each other in the driveway talking about what time she would be home on what day. We were so emotional that any inflection in the other persons voice upset us to the point we could not think straight. By reading written words, we were able to understand what the other person was saying and actually get somewhere with the conversation. He could have looked at me and said I love you and I would have interpreted it as hateful.

My point is - divorce isn't always easier and its actually sometimes harder - so don't think that road will be any better - its just different and usually worse for your children. I understand not having anything left - I've been there and it sucks. Literally everything and everyone sucks the life out of you. We had to overcome the exact same problems divorced that we had married for our child. The difference was it financially cost us a lot more supporting 2 households instead of 1.

Don't forget that men and women are very different and we tend to give what we want in return and not what our partner actually wants or needs. As much as the conversations will suck to get the 2 of you on the same page, you will be much more powerful and effective together!

Workitinurfava, BSN, RN · Sep 6, 2020

...

TwinDaddy, CNA · Sep 7, 2020

8 hours ago, bitter_betsy said:

Let me add that I divorced my grade school sweetheart for a myriad of reasons - mental health mostly. If we had some older, encouraging adult support - we might have made it. What it did require was 3 years of counseling AFTER the divorce so that we could have a civil conversation about our daughter. We did not speak outside of counseling for those first 3 years. Everything was hand written even standing in front of each other in the driveway talking about what time she would be home on what day. We were so emotional that any inflection in the other persons voice upset us to the point we could not think straight. By reading written words, we were able to understand what the other person was saying and actually get somewhere with the conversation. He could have looked at me and said I love you and I would have interpreted it as hateful.

My point is - divorce isn't always easier and its actually sometimes harder - so don't think that road will be any better - its just different and usually worse for your children. I understand not having anything left - I've been there and it sucks. Literally everything and everyone sucks the life out of you. We had to overcome the exact same problems divorced that we had married for our child. The difference was it financially cost us a lot more supporting 2 households instead of 1.

Don't forget that men and women are very different and we tend to give what we want in return and not what our partner actually wants or needs. As much as the conversations will suck to get the 2 of you on the same page, you will be much more powerful and effective together!

I understand. I'm just really tired of being told I have to figure everything out. Therapists and the like all say it's incumbent upon me to find the solution. My wife is going to make nursing school harder and that cannot happen. If after trying to get in for so long and explaining that the program is hard... If she doesn't get it I feel it's because she doesn't want to get it.