Married or in a committed relationship students

[TwinDaddy]

I'm hopefully starting my actual nursing program in January. For the last year I've been somewhat a SAHD. I was the domestic engineer. When this past Summer I began my prerequisites for nursing school, my wife maintained her regular functions. So while I was still cleaning and homeschooling the twins (1st grade) she worked from home and during the day cut everyone and everything off. It got worse in that she stopped grooming, doesn't help with the boys or just laundry. In addition to taking both sections of A&P this Summer and currently in Microbiology for Fall, I still have to do the other duties. I've tried to continually explain how hard nursing school can be and the last few classes are just the beginning. I do not think she really supports me in school. I told her.that with my application score I was almost assured to get in. She let out a faint "yay". Right now she makes about $65k annually. My unemployment has run out and the only funds I have are scholarships to pay for school.

Even with prerequisites I'm up after I put the kids to bed until 2am doing my homework. Then back up around 8am to start all over. I still do the grocery shopping, household duties and there is ZERO intimacy. I am NOT withdrawing from school. That is not an option. I don't know what I can do to get her to understand that I'm always tired, have little time to do anything else and that it will get worse for a while.

I think she resents being the sole earner in the home. I feel I may have to at least work enough to pay my car payment and two bills. I am thinking 2 shifts as a CNA someplace. Add that log to the fire and something has to give.

Does anyone have advice from being in a similar situation? I'm at my wits end and don't have hair to pull out.

[Workitinurfava, BSN, RN]

8 hours ago, bitter_betsy said:

Let me add that I divorced my grade school sweetheart for a myriad of reasons - mental health mostly.  If we had some older, encouraging adult support - we might have made it.  What it did require was 3 years of counseling AFTER the divorce so that we could have a civil conversation about our daughter.  We did not speak outside of counseling for those first 3 years.  Everything was hand written even standing in front of each other in the driveway talking about what time she would be home on what day.  We were so emotional that any inflection in the other persons voice upset us to the point we could not think straight.  By reading written words, we were able to understand what the other person was saying and actually get somewhere with the conversation.  He could have looked at me and said I love you and I would have interpreted it as hateful.

My point is - divorce isn't always easier and its actually sometimes harder - so don't think that road will be any better - its just different and usually worse for your children.  I understand not having anything left - I've been there and it sucks.  Literally everything and everyone sucks the life out of you.  We had to overcome the exact same problems divorced that we had married for our child.  The difference was it financially cost us a lot more supporting 2 households instead of 1.

Don't forget that men and women are very different and we tend to give what we want in return and not what our partner actually wants or needs. As much as the conversations will suck to get the 2 of you on the same page, you will be much more powerful and effective together! 

That's your experience. He can decide what direction he wants to go in. That's the power of having choices. No one knows if his outcome will or will not be yours.  People have a right to make decisions and not allow others to keep them in a constant state of indecision.

[NICU Guy, BSN, RN]

On 8/26/2020 at 1:54 AM, TwinDaddy said:

she worked from home and during the day cut everyone and everything off. It got worse in that she stopped grooming,

My girlfriend used to work from home. It is not a sign of depression, it stems from the fact that there is little incentive to care about appearance when your commute to work consists of walking from the bedroom to the home office.

 

On 8/30/2020 at 5:48 PM, melcuba said:

 She probably feels that since she is the breadwinner household chores shouldn;t be her priority.

I think that this is a lot of her issue. She is working hard making money and your job is to take care of the kids and the house. It may be possible that while you are home with the kids, you are either making noise and disturbing her or having fun and she is resentful that you are having fun with the kids while she has to focus on work.

Regardless, you need to sit down either while the kids are at grandparents or sleeping and discuss what needs to happen over the next few years. Once you start in person classes and clinicals, you are going to need help with the chores and childcare. There is no way you can be two places at once (home and school/clinicals).

[Psychnursehopeful, ASN, RN]

I think for women, it may be hard to accept being the breadwinner.  Society and culture play a big role.  Many people believe the "Man brings home the bacon" myth. As someone in your shoes it sounds like she has alot on her plate. When I decided to do this my partner was enthusiastic and supportive because I shared how this could improve our lives and I mapped out every step!

I earned money during my prerequisites and worked for a year before being accepted. Saved up all that I could. Car paid off, tens of thousands in savings and good grades in my prerequisites helped reassure my partner.

As far as intimacy goes for her it seems she may have a mental impediment, somehow you ain't sexy.

Man to man; if you're in your 20s-Late 30's you should be "connecting" at least once a week, if not something is WRONG. 

[TwinDaddy, CNA]

19 hours ago, Psychnursehopeful said:

I think for women, it may be hard to accept being the breadwinner.  Society and culture play a big role.  Many people believe the "Man brings home the bacon" myth. As someone in your shoes it sounds like she has alot on her plate. When I decided to do this my partner was enthusiastic and supportive because I shared how this could improve our lives and I mapped out every step!

I earned money during my prerequisites and worked for a year before being accepted. Saved up all that I could. Car paid off, tens of thousands in savings and good grades in my prerequisites helped reassure my partner.

As far as intimacy goes for her it seems she may have a mental impediment, somehow you ain't sexy.

Man to man; if you're in your 20s-Late 30's you should be "connecting" at least once a week, if not something is WRONG. 

I barely remember my 20's and 30's, LOL. I'm in my mid forties. I'm taking Micro and Pharm online while homeschooling our 2nd graders at home. Meanwhile she's holed up in a room with the door closed all day while they're in class. If you don't want to be supportive while I'm in school, that's fine. But don't be a damn hinderance. I was always told if something isn't part of a solution it's part of the problem. 

[TwinDaddy, CNA]

My program runs from January 2021 through May 2022. So yes it's still takes time but just a year and a half for my ADN. I can't complain about that. I even want to work part-time as a CNA (one or two 12-hr shifts weekly) to help out. I really think she has gotten completely spoiled working at home. It's OK for me to do the cooking, cleaning and supervision. What responsibilities does she have? She did the same thing when I was a manager working 60 hours weekly. I cooked 3 nights a week. When it was her turn they boys ate takeout. That's not adequate. Grant it I was a chef and all but she's no slouch in that kitchen. I was oping to graduate nursing school because of her, not in spite of her.