Marraige falling apart!! Trying to finish school and have a new son!

smk1, LPN · Aug 19, 2005

I have a 7 month old and 2 semesters left until I'm on the waiting list. I work full time plus do hair on the side and definetly have a lot on my plate. My husband and I are seeing a marraige counselor because he is a workaholic and doesn't know if he loves me anymore! I'm not going to say that I've been the perfect wife, because that would be a complete lie, but at least I've put effort into our marraige. The stress is getting to me! I want to finish school but don't know how well I'll do with all of this strain in my personal life. I wish my husband would either just decided to be a husband and father or leave so at least I can move on! I know what I have to do, I honestly just don't feel up to the challenge right now! Any words of advice on how to focus on school with so much else going on?

i don't have any advice accept to not give up your future financial security by giving up on school for a man who isn't sure he loves you anymore. You have way more stress than anyone should have to deal with. Try to make the relationship work, but don't give up your own future and your baby's future because it may not.

allnurses Guide · Aug 19, 2005

I have a 7 month old and 2 semesters left until I'm on the waiting list. I work full time plus do hair on the side and definetly have a lot on my plate. My husband and I are seeing a marraige counselor because he is a workaholic and doesn't know if he loves me anymore! I'm not going to say that I've been the perfect wife, because that would be a complete lie, but at least I've put effort into our marraige. The stress is getting to me! I want to finish school but don't know how well I'll do with all of this strain in my personal life. I wish my husband would either just decided to be a husband and father or leave so at least I can move on! I know what I have to do, I honestly just don't feel up to the challenge right now! Any words of advice on how to focus on school with so much else going on?

I just have to chime in here and say I was reading about your schedule and then you say you and your husband are seeing a marriage counselor because HE is a workaholic? JenMarie - you are as busy as can be yourself my dear.

I can see how you two drifted apart - and maybe feel separate from one another - and maybe feel like you've fallen out of love. But love isn't a feeling, it is an action. In any marriage, there are times when you look at that person across the table from you and say, I cannot stand him/her. Relationships ebb and flow . . . .you two are new parents to a 7 month old. A MAJOR LIFE CHANGE for even the most happy couple. You work full time and do hair on the side. Your husband works all the time. You are in school. Your life is crazy right now.

If I were you, I'd back off a bit. Don't ever sacrifice your family for a job. Ever. That is exactly what has happened to nurses for years now - always expected to put their family life on hold in order to cover for short-staffing. My philosophy is I'm not the answer to the hospital's staffing problem. I'll work my scheduled part-time shifts - that is what I have contracted with the hospital to do. I'll try to help out when I can but not at the detriment of my family.

I see you and your husband headed in the direction of putting work/career before family. Before each other. Don't do it. Keep going to marriage counseling and see if you guys can lessen the stress of life. Don't give up before you really give counseling a try.

Been there, done that.

Best wishes hon -

steph

L&D4ME · Aug 19, 2005

I understand that parting ways with someone is very difficult especially when children are involved, but from what it seems your husband isn't involved. If you have been living as a single mom then why let him make the decision?

TweetiePieRN · Aug 19, 2005

I just have to chime in here and say I was reading about your schedule and then you say you and your husband are seeing a marriage counselor because HE is a workaholic? JenMarie - you are as busy as can be yourself my dear.
I can see how you two drifted apart - and maybe feel separate from one another - and maybe feel like you've fallen out of love. But love isn't a feeling, it is an action. In any marriage, there are times when you look at that person across the table from you and say, I cannot stand him/her. Relationships ebb and flow . . . .you two are new parents to a 7 month old. A MAJOR LIFE CHANGE for even the most happy couple. You work full time and do hair on the side. Your husband works all the time. You are in school. Your life is crazy right now.
If I were you, I'd back off a bit. Don't ever sacrifice your family for a job. Ever. That is exactly what has happened to nurses for years now - always expected to put their family life on hold in order to cover for short-staffing. My philosophy is I'm not the answer to the hospital's staffing problem. I'll work my scheduled part-time shifts - that is what I have contracted with the hospital to do. I'll try to help out when I can but not at the detriment of my family.
I see you and your husband headed in the direction of putting work/career before family. Before each other. Don't do it. Keep going to marriage counseling and see if you guys can lessen the stress of life. Don't give up before you really give counseling a try.
Been there, done that.
Best wishes hon -
steph

Very good post! I have a 7 week old and am going back to work in 3 months. Good advice about us not being the answer to staffing shortage!!

onehusbandsevenkids · Aug 20, 2005

Hi there JenMarie!

I am going through a similar situation right now. My husband and I have seven kiddos together and he has vey recently told me that he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. We've been together 11 years now. I've been through many stages in the past few weeks....grief, numbness, lots of anger, feeling unappreciated, complete and total sadness, you name it, I've felt it.

Its very hard to know what to do. This is what I've figured out:

#1 - Don't make an big decisions in anger/the heat of the moment

#2- Be very "smart" about the decisions that you make

#3- It's very, very easy for others to tell you to just leave him, kick him out, whatever...but it's very different to be the one in the relationship. Only you know what's best for you and your child. If you are both participating in marriage counseling thats great...keep going. Relationships are HARD work. I've decided that I want to make sure I've done everything in my power to save my marriage, that way I won't look back thinking "what if." Too many people give up too easily nowadays. (I personally think my husband is going through a midlife crisis type of thing....)

#4- Take it one day at a time. I get VERY overwhelmed with everything.

It helps me to make a list of what I need to do to get through the day and focus on that. I tend to lose focus very easily. Just get through one day before you worry about the next.

#5- Make time for you.

#6- Make time for your husband and you to have FUN together. Too often we all get overloaded with stress and responsibilities...its too easy to drift apart. Be really kind and loving to each other, act like you're first dating again. Examine your behaviprs in the relationship and change those. Lots of times just one partner changing their own "things" totally changes the dynamics of the relationship for the better.

#7- Make time for the family to have fun together.

#8- If you're a Christian - pray and pray some more. Get to church, there is alot of support to be found there. If you're not interested in the Christian stuff- disregard...

#9 - Really examine your life & activities and cut out every non-essential thing. Now is not the time for extras.

#10- I totally agree with the others....don't give up your schooling. If your relationship does end you will most definately need the financial freedom and flexibility that nursing can provide.

Off to take my own advice....

Stephanie