Male Urologic Dilemma

[58flyer]

First, let me say that I am not asking for medical advice. I am under the care of my PCP and am paying the big $$ for that. I guess I am just looking for social advice, a shoulder to cry on, words of wisdom, or just to vent.

Over the past year I have been having a problem with blood in the urine when I go to see my doc. He makes it a point to have a ua done every time I go there. Most of the time there is a small amount of blood, not visible, but enough to be a concern. He wants me to go to a urologist to make sure we are not dealing with cancer. The problem is that all the uros in this town use an exclusively female assistive team. The testing for my condition will probably involve a cystocope, something that usually requires assistants.

I have nothing against women, trust me I really don't. I just have this mega problem with modesty. The reason for this is due to a horrifying experience I had when I was a teenager in high school when I was a patient in a hospital. It's a real ugly story. As a result of that experience, I have a very serious primal fear of being in a medical environment and being exposed and touched in any intimate way by females. It's absolutely terrifying and beyond my ability to fully articulate just how bad this is for me.

My doc says he knows how I feel, and that he has had other male patients bring up the problem in the past. He said he has a patient who had decided to just live with a painful condition rather than go through treatment. I guess it would be like a female patient going to her gyno and finding an all male assistive team. Or going to get a mammogram and encountering all male techs. Even without any particlar modesty issues, I think most women would find this uncomfortable at the least, and most likely just plain unacceptable.

My doc is trying to find a urologist in neighboring towns who might have some male assistants working there. I believe he is really trying, but so far no luck. I went to one of the local urology clinic's website and they had a contact email. I loved how they said "your concerns are our concerns." They never responded to my very polite email. :angryfire I am sitting here with a potentially life threatening condition that I can't get treated for and it's really depressing...

When you figure that urologists are the primary provider of reproductive health of men, it just makes sense to have some males working there to assist on those procedures that require them. Granted, they treat women too but the patient load for urologists is about 70% male, based on what I've seen in the waiting rooms.

Please don't think I am anti female because I am not. I just think there are times when men are best treated by other men just to get the comfort level up to a reasonable point where they can accept care.

Advice, opinions, what should I do??? :monkeydance:

[matchstickxx]

What do you think is actually going to happen if you are cared for by female healthcare professionals? What exactly is your fear? (Please, do not actually answer that question here.)

Make an appointment with the urologist your doctor trusts most to care for you. Sit down with this urologist and explain your fears. If you cannot find an office with an all male staff, would you feel better if the male urologist were present with you the entire time you were exposed? Would that make you feel safer? Maybe you should consult with your therapist and try to find the best way for you to cope with this pressing situation.

Even if you do find your ideal all male team for this situation, I think you still need to talk to a therapist. What would happen if you were in an emergent situation and the only caregivers available were female? Would you be making the appropriate decisions based on your healthcare needs or based upon how you could best avoid or minimize contact with female healthcare professionals?

Best wishes and let us know how things turn out.

[cardiacRN2006, ADN, RN]

Hugs to you 58...I will be thinking of you on your appointment day, and hope that the news is all good.

You probably don't want to take anything like xanax, because then you will not be in control of what happens. Can your DW come with you for the majority of the procedure?

But the night before, perhaps some nice wine would help with the anxiety...

[shellsincanada]

You were harsher than you needed to be. Flyer isn't just shy, he has a history of some kind of trauma that is causing this. If a woman who had been raped couldn't bring herself to see the only gynie in town who happens to be male, would you tell her to suck it up and get the exam done? No, you would be giving her emotional support and telling her to find a female doc. The OP deserves just as much compassion as that woman.

Sheesh.

I realize this is a trauma but he NEEDS to get this done. Like I said ( and I fully stand by this) dying isn't the solution- he can't wait. I would tell a woman who isn't comfortable with a man who had the choice of not seeing a gyno who is male or not getting treatment to GET TREATMENT. Would you pat their hand and tell them it can all wait until they can locate a dr who is female even if it take MONTHS??????

This is HIS health and only he will be the one to deal with the consequences. And that may involve dying and/or treatment by hospice nurses who are female- but then again I suppose if males aren't available then he could choose to just lie in bed at home in pain and no treatment as well eh?

He needs to get this done and he needs to find someone to do this or do whatever he can to make the situation acceptable( a friend , meds, therapy etc)

Flyer I am glad to hear you are making the appt and getting this dealt with. You don't want to ignore your health for ANY reason.

[shellsincanada]

BTW, like something like 1 in 4 women - I have experience childhood sexual abuse myself.

It is something you need to get therapy for or it comes out much later in life ( in my case panic disorder and depression) I suppressed it and denied it ( I always remembered it but just "ignored" it - doesn't work)

I see a male doc for my annual pap smear and while it isn't the best experience it is something I need to deal with.

[58flyer]

BTW, like something like 1 in 4 women - I have experience childhood sexual abuse myself.

It is something you need to get therapy for or it comes out much later in life ( in my case panic disorder and depression) I suppressed it and denied it ( I always remembered it but just "ignored" it - doesn't work)

I see a male doc for my annual pap smear and while it isn't the best experience it is something I need to deal with.

Sorry to hear that you had that terrible childhood experience. I am impressed that you are able to see a male doc in spite of it.

I know what you mean about trying to suppress the problem until later in life. For me it was something like 28 years between the event and talking to a therapist about it. Even then, I didn't seek the services of the therapist because of it but rather it was a critical incident debrief that my employer required. It came out during our discussions.

On a side note, I have a SIL who was raped while serving on active duty in the Navy. After that, she was unable to do her annual physicals. The Navy bent over backwards to accomodate her even to the point of guaranteeing her a female doc. She still opted to get out of the Navy and has never had an exam or medical care of any kind since, and we're talking 20+ years.

People who haven't experienced a sexually abusive event may find it difficult to fully understand the effect it can have on a person's life. I don't consider myself a weak person, and I don't like to use the term "victim", not me at all. Life has handed me my fair share of difficulties and crises, and I have handled them all. My 30 year career in law enforcement has provided some highly traumatic events; getting shot at and hit, shot at and missed, assaults and attacks of every conceivable type, riots, animal attacks, high speed pursuits, numerous emotionally charged events, you name it. While flying I have been in a terrible crash, and 2 engine failures with emergency landings. All of that pales in comparison to what happened in the spring of 1973. I guess I found the weak point in my system. I am only human.

[TazziRN, RN]

I realize this is a trauma but he NEEDS to get this done. Like I said ( and I fully stand by this) dying isn't the solution- he can't wait. I would tell a woman who isn't comfortable with a man who had the choice of not seeing a gyno who is male or not getting treatment to GET TREATMENT. Would you pat their hand and tell them it can all wait until they can locate a dr who is female even if it take MONTHS??????

Ah......so you would tell a woman who has a history of being raped to place herself in a submissive and vulnerable position in front of yet another man and let him do whatever he needs to do.

To some victims, being put in that position again is worse than facing death.

[jill48, ASN, RN]

You know if you brought this up to the doc and he says that other men have said the same thing, you would think he would grow a brain and hire a man on his staff. I'm sorry you are going through this. None of us think any less of you. We all have our phobias. Good luck.:kiss :wink2: I know alot of women that feel this way also. I guess I just don't care anymore - after 2 C-sections, 2 seperate oopherectomies, and finally the uterus out, I'm so used to seeing everyone and their uncle come in to take a look at my stuff that I'm numb to it. Hope you feel better. Just don't let it go too much longer, I know your scared, but this may very well be something serious that you are sitting on (oops- no pun intended, and I hope your not sitting on it) and waiting may be making it worse. Please seek help one way or another.

[Liddle Noodnik]

Over the past year I have been having a problem with blood in the urine when I go to see my doc. He makes it a point to have a ua done every time I go there. Most of the time there is a small amount of blood, not visible, but enough to be a concern. He wants me to go to a urologist to make sure we are not dealing with cancer. The problem is that all the uros in this town use an exclusively female assistive team. The testing for my condition will probably involve a cystocope, something that usually requires assistants.

Hi 58

Have you had a PSA? My dad had blood in the urine and come to find out he had prostate CA at 70 y.o. My then 44 y.o. brother insisted on being tested (as did my other brothers) and he ended up with prostate CA! So don't mess around.

Would you still feel the same if they put you under twilight anesthesia for a cysto, and do you trust your doc to keep you safe? (I know you said it might not be a RATIONAL fear but it is still a fear that the doc can maybe help you with!)

Or, what if the doc has another doc assist? You might have to pay more $ but it would at least get you started.

Concerned for you, please take care!

[shellsincanada]

Ah......so you would tell a woman who has a history of being raped to place herself in a submissive and vulnerable position in front of yet another man and let him do whatever he needs to do.

To some victims, being put in that position again is worse than facing death.

And would you tell her to just ignore it if there was no female available? Would you say it is better to bleed and possibily die rather then put herself in that position?????

I would tell her to have a friend , have any one she is comfortable with to be there , do anything that she could do to make it better , but it is IMPORTANT to seek help.

Flyer is the one who will bear the consequences of delaying treatment or refusing treatment, not the doctor, not his abuser noone but him. It's a choice he needs to make.

[TazziRN, RN]

And would you tell her to just ignore it if there was no female available? Would you say it is better to bleed and possibily die rather then put herself in that position?????

You don't understand....for some who have been through a trauma that damages the psyche, it is indeed easier to face the possibility of death than to be put in that position.

Yes, Flyer needs to make a choice, but he will make the choice that he is psychologically capable of making.

Would I tell a pt that s/he needs to do whatever necessary to get a problem taken care of? Yes. Would I beat him/her over the head until s/he did so? No. Would I do the same if s/he decided that it just wasn't possible? No. Would I hold that person and say, "I understand"? Yes.

I have been there. I know what Flyer is talking about.

[shellsincanada]

You don't understand....for some who have been through a trauma that damages the psyche, it is indeed easier to face the possibility of death than to be put in that position.

Yes, Flyer needs to make a choice, but he will make the choice that he is psychologically capable of making.

Would I tell a pt that s/he needs to do whatever necessary to get a problem taken care of? Yes. Would I beat him/her over the head until s/he did so? No. Would I do the same if s/he decided that it just wasn't possible? No. Would I hold that person and say, "I understand"? Yes.

I have been there. I know what Flyer is talking about.

Why would you assume I don't know what I do not understand and have not been there as well.....when in fact i said in a previous post I am someone who has experienced childhood sexual abuse and am dealing with panic disorder and depression as a result.

Hell a couple of gyne exams ago- when i needed it like right away ( with a unfamiliar male doc and in the midst of my panic disorder dx) I cried all through it. Did I stop seeing my doc ? no, Did I get a pap the following year ? yes- and that year I had more time and could deal with finding a doc I felt comfortable with.

Avoidance does not help the situation. The problem is still there. He needs to look after himself now. Do what it takes. Many options here --but I can't support a decision to not be treated for a potentially life threatening issue because of this. Again the woman who has been raped ( as stevielynn mentions earlier) and is hemorrhaging NEEDS to be treated.

It's like with first aid- the patient may refuse it at the time- as soon as they pass out - you treat right? ( assuming in the field not in a hospital dnr situation)

[TazziRN, RN]

Why would you assume I don't know what I do not understand and have not been there as well.....when in fact i said in a previous post I am someone who has experienced childhood sexual abuse and am dealing with panic disorder and depression as a result.

I didn't see that post, sorry.

Hell a couple of gyne exams ago- when i needed it like right away ( with a unfamiliar male doc and in the midst of my panic disorder dx) I cried all through it.

And I admire you for finding the strength to get through it. Not everyone can.

It's like with first aid- the patient may refuse it at the time- as soon as they pass out - you treat right?

I'm sorry.....how in the world does that compare with what Flyer is asking????