lpn

[dreama123]

im new to this site not sure yet how to navigate. I am so happy to finally find a network supporting nurses with nurses. I had worked at a local hospital for 10 years, my last year which was 2009 I decided after all the good I had done I made a huge mistake, im sure you all know where this is going. I innocently stuck a half wasted tube of Demerol into my pocket, I did this because we were so freaking busy no one could stop and waste with me. well when I discovered I had the Demerol in my pocket after work I freaked out. Well I thought ill just im it in my butt, I deserve a little relaxation. Was I so wrong, although I like to think God intervened, because all in all the abuse only lasted about 2 and a half months before I was caught. the night I was caught I was trying to gather as much Demerol as I could, I decided after that was gone I was done with it. Well of course the meds I took where from a man who had only had one dose of Demerol while being hospitalized, for some reason I knew I was going to be caught, I even prepared myself I knew it was coming. It happened April 9, 2009. I was humiliated, embarrassed and most of all so sad that I had let all my sisters down that hurt worse than anything, I was a trusted employee, very skilled at all I did, and was very proud of my profession. The problem is my license are suspended. I hate that all the good I had preformed was wiped out by this one incident. I basically ran my unit and was very trusted by my super. I had many awards and recommendations but it is all gone. Ive always wanted to be a nurse and I ruined everything. financially my family is in trouble, my husband works for 8.00 an hour and we have 2 big boys. Ive had some menial jobs at various places to supplement our income but most jobs they want to know why im still not nursing, im to ashamed and embarrassed to even acknowledge it. I had a hard time forgiving myself, but I have so that God could forgive me. I just don't know where to start to try and get back where I was? where do I start? I try calling getting put on hold or never getting a call back from the tn nursing board. it almost isn't worth it, but God has directed this path for me, its where I need to be. so of course tnpap was recommended, which is wonderful if you have money in the bank. you have to keep an account open with them for you urine screens, it makes me mad the director told me in court not to worry about the money just get my paper work done, and we would figure out how to come up with the money. Well I did go to the tnpap office for 3 hours I set and listen intently trying to understand all the hoopla in the end they ask for the money I didn't have it. I explained to the lady that I had just left the tn board of nursing and talked to the supervisor of tn pap and he told me not to worry about the money she quoted " I don't know why he tells everybody that we have no kind of funding to help with this" well you can imagine how mad I was there after sitting all day in court then spending half the night filling out paper work at the tn pap office. This program is stupid its not geared to help nursing or nurses it needs a lot of tweaking. I live in a rural area of tn and the nearest tpap approved group is over 60 miles away what am im supposed to do? I stated counseling on my own just because I knew I needed to, but had to switch because it wasn't a tnpap approved program. I have zero money to pay 15.00 for this and 50.00 for that not to mention keeping at least 1,000 dollars in your account. yes you can keep working while attending everything you need to do but 4 days out of the weeks I had to attend different sessions plus work, family, and the money needed to travel everyday. its not bad if you live in a bigger city where you can attend everything close at hand, but I cant. Please someone just tell me where to start. Its been almost 6 years, I don't drink never have as far as drugs, that stayed at the hospital. I don't look for them, have never done so. Never obtained them illegally so im having a lot of trouble calling myself an addict. even my own tnpap counselor said that im not an addict and he had no trouble writing a letting informing tnpap of this but I told him it didn't matter cause I didn't have the money to fight this. cause I know this is only going to be resolved in the court room. Im a good nurse and deserve a second chance to prove that I am that good, that I do save lives, im compassionate and love people. but that's my story and it just feels good to share it cause I feel so isolated and useless, and a failure. I was at the top and now im on foodstamps but ive learn and have been forgiven.

[Twoyearnurse]

Hey again- sounds like you're having a late night (it's early yet here). The obsession to use has been lifted from me- I don't have desire to drink or use drugs anymore- even when around them with ample freedom to use them (I'm not under monitoring yet). I am still an alcoholic (I identify best with this vs addict but it's all the same thing- same disease process) and will always be. Addiction is a disease of the mind- alcohol and drug use are a symptom of the disease. Only you can decide if you are part of that 10% of the population afflicted. I will say though that I am sorry your world is so chaotic. If anything, surrendering to your situation and reframing some of your thinking will be very helpful to you- it doesn't come naturally, it takes practice. If you have been beating yourself up for 6 years about this- maybe its time to let some of that rest. Ease up a bit. Do what you can each day, that's all you can do. It sounds like your marriage and kids have survived this adventure thus far with you- what an amazing gift. Focus on the miracles and move on from there. This experience has changed you, you don't get to be that person you believed you were before. You get to build a different you- one who is FAR more relatable to the patients you will again serve. Give yourself one more day to wallow- and then pick yourself up. You will serve no one by continuing to stay mentally where you are.

[duskyjewel]

You still don't really understand why you did it? After all these years? That makes you vulnerable. You say you haven't been tempted all this time. Well you also haven't been working in a nursing environment. Clearly that's where your trigger lies.

The reason I think you need to embrace the term "addict" is because you're acting like one. You claim not to know your motivation but also are very resistant to any discussion that goes beyond the surface and might really delve into that. That deflection is classic addict behavior. As is your repeated litany of how the system is stacked against you and every difficulty you have is someone else's fault. I don't doubt it's hard, but I think if it were as important to you as you say it is, you'd have found a way to make some progress in six years.

Look I know you probably just think I'm a mean-spirited witch, but I'm saying this stuff because I think you need to hear it in order to break through barriers that are holding you back.

[1sttime]

I love the tough love that people give- speaking to others as if they are experts in something that is so poorly understood.

10% of people are addicts? Lets make a disease out of a normal brain process (stimuli/reward)... Lets also include things like eating, sex, TV, computer, smoking.... 100% of people are addicts. The process for me is simple- admit I really love (insert activity that does not contribute to health) and avoid it. I might be capable of doing a lot of jobs in nursing, but until the system is set up to properly monitor the controlled substances I will avoid working in those areas.

Maybe the OP is trying to figure out the logic of this instead of wholesale taking on the identity of an addict- and I have met plenty of people in 12 step rooms who really enjoy their new found (or long time)identity.

The OP needs education and questions answered. Maybe no progress in 6 years as she is still working under the assumption that she has more willpower than the stimulus/reward process. I was in the same place- no stimulus/no problem, it wasn't from 12 step meetings that I learned the reason behind my actions- I had to find my own way through therapy and contemplation.

[Twoyearnurse]

First and foremost- I am no expert, however there is substantial data related to the field of drug/alcohol use disorders. It has generally sat at around 10% of the population- this statistic only accounts for people who actually receive some form of treatment (ie hospitalizations or drug/alcohol rehabilitation). You can disagree All you want to with the DSM-5, but the psychiatric community (ie the experts) have continuously recognized addiction as a mental illness. All diseases follow a path from the onset to the end of the disease, addiction is no exception. There are people (and you sound like one) who are capable of abusing drugs/alcohol without long term repercussions, that is true without a doubt. When concerning ourselves with diseases of the mind (whether it be addiction or psychosis) little is understood- but there are themes. I have shared my personal experience with the OP and answered her questions based on my experience and knowledge I have gained. I've not told her she is an addict, I've gently reminded others that she is the one who has to determine that. Your experience is also valuable to her, maybe she is like you and this situation was isolated for her. Please refrain from shutting down other peoples viewpoints (and accepted theories and data from the scientiic community)- it devalues what we each have to offer one another.

[duskyjewel]

Pretty sure I never once mentioned any 12 step programs. All I said was that the OP needed to dig deeper and get really honest. Frankly, how she does it doesn't matter, whether one on one therapy, group, inpatient or outpatient program, etc. Just that she does it.

[celesteanne]

I agree. Labelling someone an addict may or may not be accurate. For example, what about the first or second time someone diverts? Assuming that I was not obtaining drugs outside of the hospital, if I had been caught at that point, no one could have argued that I was addicted. I had abused drugs, stolen and performed an illegal act, but until I had used enough to become emotionally or physically dependent, I was not an addict. That took a fair bit longer for me. In the beginning, I rationalized and argued that because I didn't use every day and because I never went through any withdrawal, I wasn't addicted. It was much easier to say that I 'had a problem' or that I was dependent. Over the last three years in the program, I've come to understand that psychological or emotional dependence to narcotics is, in fact, addiction. At least it is for me.

[Twoyearnurse]

Hey dusky- I think the issue that people are taking with your posts is that you keep referring to the OP as an addict, and that she is displaying "addict behavior". We don't get to make that determination- that is strictly up to the OP and any counselor/physician that she sees. Otherwise here we draw from data and our own experiences and allow the other person to draw their own conclusion. If we are going to diagnose someone based on a post id say that the OP Could also be (as 1sttime pointed out) going though stages of grief. Denial and diverting attention elsewhere are big indicators of that also- not just addiction. People come here frightened, confused, and completely lost. We dont expect them to be clear, concise, with perfect insight in their own writings. The OP has a story to tell- and from her first post she indicated that she has never found a site like this yet. She's working on sorting through an entire history. And I also don't think the 1sttime was mentioning 12 steps and directing that at you- I think that is just part of his/her personal experience- that 12 steps wasn't the answer for him/her as it is for others.

[Twoyearnurse]

And yes celest- you are right on, addiction doesn't always sit just in physical dependence. I was emotionally involved with opiates and physically addicted And then emotionally addicted to alcohol without the physical issues. I will do anything to escape myself.