Lost a baby today

lisabeth · Jul 14, 2006

Ugg, I'm having a bad day. I volunteer at our local community hospital and I was heading into the nursery to clean up the circ trays and such and I saw a little baby in her crib. She was just lying there (I believe her eyes were closed but now I can't remember if she even had any??), and she was covered in vernix.
So I walked into the room where I clean up the stuff and a nurse followed me in and said to be sure I give this family some privacy. (She was very nice about it, just informing me to try and be quiet). So after a minute or two I could hear the nurse and the father talking and the baby had infact died. She had Trisomy 13.... The parents knew that this would happen. The mother had a c-section and was still in recovery so I didn't see her... but the nurses you could just tell, were very saddened, (as was I)....
The worst part of it was all the healthy babies that were all around crying and such. That had to be so hard on the father.
Ugg, so anyway.... they were bathing her and cleaning her up and then going to put a pretty dress on her and a bow in her hair. I just can't believe how this has affected me today. I know it's unavoidable, but it really has me down. I guess that's a good thing, because the day that I don't feel affected, I'm going to have to quit my job. I hope I can make it as a nurse someday....
Thanks for listening.... I knew you would all understand how I feel....

I can only imagine how that would feel. I know they prepare you for death in nursing school, and that it will happen at some point in time, but a baby I dont think anyone is prepared for that.

nambour51 · Jul 14, 2006

You are grieving and that is ok. You have had a very distressing experience and your emotions are still raw. It sounds like you were part of a very caring team that was sensitive to a family's suffering. Your post indicates a very caring nature which is a greaat quality for a nurse. This sad experience will help you have empathy with others in the future.

dance_200 · Jul 14, 2006

hi unfortuneatley i came across this a few times during my nicu days and it never got easier,even though you know they can not survive with trisomy 13 and all we can do is be there for the family and take pictures for the family even if they didn't want them we still kept them in case they ever changed their minds years down the road and we had a nurse who would pose the babies with out any of the tubes(after death of course) and take pictures for the family. i know it sounds kind of morbid but it was usually the only pictures the family had of their babies not with tubes

purplemania, BSN, RN · Jul 14, 2006

As a former pedi nurse I can tell you that no one is ever "prepared" for death of a child. The reality is that it happens. Thank goodness you care enough to be bothered by it. This might prompt you to learn how to assist the family in a crisis of this type.

WDWpixieRN, RN · Jul 14, 2006

I had asked a nurse acquaintance when I was considering nursing what she thought of the career....she's been a nurse for many years. She works in NICU and told me to forget it. She said it's the hardest job in the world and you see so many unjust and horrible situations and you spend a lot of time raging against something you don't understand that happens to good people. She told me that on an awful lot of days of dealing with rampant emotions on the job, there are many days she comes home with nothing left for her kids and husband.

My kids are grown so I hope they will understand if I have days like this. I think it's good I was given this perspective. But even with her having shared all of that, after many other opinions, I am going for it and will start school in August.

I hope this gets much easier for you to deal with in time and helps prepare you for the next time....because it sounds like with your assignment, there most definately will be a next time....

HARRN2b · Jul 15, 2006

You poor dear. You have had a rough day and are grieving. I know it would affect me terribly. I have 3 wonderful children and this would tear me apart. That said, my heart tells me that I want to work with children and their families. I also realize that there will be sad days, too. But there will also be happy days. I hope that family comes to peace with this, as there are no answers. At least that darling little baby did not have to suffer.

Bless you.

Holly

EricJRN, MSN, RN · Jul 15, 2006

I'm sorry about what you went through. It must have been particularly awkward to be looking at the baby, then to suddenly realize that the baby had passed away.

Trisomy 13 is bad stuff. 80% mortality in the first month, many of those occurring in the first day or so. Eye abnormalities (especially small eyes) are part of the syndrome, so that might have been why you noticed them.

You bring up a good point about how it must be hard for grieving parents to watch all of the other happier families. When we have a death on the unit, there's a private area where we can put the family and the baby, but we do run into a similar problem with discharges. When a baby is getting discharged and wheeled out, there tends to be a lot of excitement among the staff. 'Who's going home?! Aww... Yay!', hugs, et cetera. I know that's encouraging to the parents whose babies will go home before long, but I wonder how it must feel when the parents of the very critical kids see it.

On days like the one you had today, we're there more for the family than the baby. It sounds like you have everything in perspective and I for one think you'll do great as a nurse.

luvmy3kids · Jul 15, 2006

Thank you everyone. All of your comments were very sweet and heartfelt.

I didn't mention (only because I didn't realize it at the time) but I in fact did say "Good Luck" to the mom and dad as they were wheeling her down for the section. At the time I had no idea that they were delivering a dead baby. So I felt worse even after I posted this, once I realized it was them that I was talking with...

But I do realize, it wasn't my fault....I didn't know. And I learned that no matter what, I should just keep my mouth shut if I don't know the situation..... after all, I'm just a volunteer now anyway. It all came about because the nurse that was wheeling them down was the same nurse that was with me when I had my last baby via c-section.... I'm just glad there wasn't enough room in the elevator for me too, who knows what dumb thing I would have said....

I am feeling much better today... I just can't get that image out of my mind...

Whew, the stuff I see before even entering nursing school.....

EMSChild · Jul 15, 2006

i wish i could tell you that after awhile you will get used to it, i can't. a baby is never easy. in time this experience won't hurt as much but it will always be with you. for that i am sorry.

you will always carry her with you, in your heart in your mind. it is hard, i carry two baby girls myself. you personally did what you could, in providing the family comfort. that is all you can do. you hug your children and you continue on.