Losing a baby

palesarah · Oct 25, 2006

I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't been there, so I don't have any personal advice, just (((HUGS))) and a story that may or may not help you. About 2 years ago, when I was working OB, a coworker lost a very wanted, planned pregnancy & required a D&C. She asked one of the charge nurses she felt comfortable with to handle telling the staff, mostly to avoid being asked "what happened?" multiple times when she came back to work. The charge nurse and a few other trusted nurses on other shifts just quietly let the staff know the situation before she returned to work. And though it is not a person or a situation that the staff would have gossipped about in any malicious way, having someone be responsible for getting the truth circulating versus rumors seemed to be very helpful to my coworker.

I don't know if this is an approach that would work for you or your unit, but if you aren't up to telling people tonight but want them to know, perhaps you could ask a coworker to let the rest of the staff on your shift know? Or are you comfortable discussing this with your manager?

Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

NicuNightRN · Oct 25, 2006

Thanks, Sarah. I know that a few of the girls I am close to at work are working tonight along with me, and I did consider telling one of them and asking her to tell the rest of the staff. Every time I think about it though, my eyes well up with tears, so I don't know if I can even make it through telling one person. No matter what, I think it's going to be hard for awhile being around so many babies. Like I said, the pregnancy was unplanned, but it made me realize how much I do want a baby, even though we didn't plan on it for a little longer. My bf has been so supportive through all of this, and there's no way I could have gotten to this point without him. I know that my coworkers will be supportive, also, but it's the initial shock of being back at work and surrounded by babies that I think is really going to get me tonight. But,I guess that no matter what I do, tonight won't be easy...and now I'm just rambling.

RNin2007 · Oct 29, 2006

It is totally understandable how you feel - you were very excited and understandably so...then things quickly changed. I do not know exactly how hard because I haven't been there myself, but worried profusely about that happening with both my pregnancies (one was planned, one wasn't). I am so sorry (((hugs))). I think that was very good advice to ask one of the nurses you are close to if they would let everyone else know, so you aren't overcome with emotion every time you explain yourself.

My thoughts are with you...

~J

Justhere, BSN, RN · Oct 29, 2006

Big ((Hugs)) from me. I've been through this twice once 8 years ago (planned pregnancy) and then her just recently I thought I was pregnant, (unplanned), I had a home pregnancy test come up positive after I was a couple of weeks late. Called the doctors office to get an appointment to get it confirmed was told "Oh those test are very accurate, when was your last MP and the nurse will see you when you are 9 weeks." So I had the appt. to only start my period five days later. Went to ER, urine preg test neg. Saw doc next day while I was at work in the nursery, he wanted blood preg test also neg. So now in the back of my mind, was I pregnant and lost it or was it just a false positive. Either way I went through the same emotions of Oh no I can't be pregnant, to wondering what it would be boy or girl. Its been a few weeks now and it does get better. But if you feel like you need to cry then do, I'll give you my shoulder to cry on, and so will many people around you that care about you.

prmenrs, RN · Oct 29, 2006

First and most important, you have my deepest sympathy. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I agree w/Palesarah. I highly recommend you do not go right back to work. Take a few days to mourn your baby. (You can let your co-workers know by phone.) This is a life event that needs to be acknowledged.

kar212 · Oct 29, 2006

I'm so sorry about your precious little baby. My first baby was stillborn 3 years ago. I know how it hurts. I was working in med-surg, though, so I didn't have to deal with the babies. I know that would have made it harder if I had. (((HUGS)))

I just wanted to recommend the Share network:

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/index.shtml

The message boards are great.

Karen

Liddle Noodnik · Oct 29, 2006

Any words of encouragement you might have will be GREATLY appreciated.
Thank you!

So sorry NicuNightRN! I can only imagine how hard it must be... God bless you! and it's good you have people here you can talk to!

Cherish · Oct 29, 2006

I'm so sorry and I know how you feel, went thru the same situation (at 23 weeks) and for weeks I couldn't be around babies or toddlers. The only thing I can tell you is TIME will heal...:icon_hug:

NicuNightRN · Oct 30, 2006

Thank you all so much for your comments and support. I did return to work that night as planned, and it was an extremely emotional night. My coworkers asked all night long how I was feeling, since I'd been so nauseous the last time I had worked, and every time I had to explain myself, because my eyes would well up with tears. Being around babies the entire night was extremely difficult for me, because there was no way to really escape the only thing that was really on my mind. I did stay the whole shift, but spoke with my manager as I was leaving in the morning. She told me to take the rest of the week off (I can take longer if I need to), and asked if it would help if she kind of spread the information around for me. I will return to work on Wednesday, which will be a little over a week since I lost my baby. It's still not going to be easy, but I know I have the support of my coworkers - and everyone who responded. It's so nice to read such caring words from people I've never even met, thank you all! I am at the point now where I can at least think about it without immediately bursting into tears, so I have come a long way in the last week. I still have a way to go, but things have improved and I know that time will help.

RainDreamer, BSN, RN · Oct 31, 2006

(((((HUGS))))) for you, I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your co-workers and manager were very supportive, that's good that they gave you the time off you needed. Please take care of yourself ..... you'll be in my thoughts.

Lurksalot, BSN, RN · Oct 31, 2006

In the last 3 weeks, I went from suspecting I might be pregnant, to finding out I was, to having a miscarriage. The pregnancy was unplanned - my boyfriend and I didn't plan on having kids for another couple of years, but we wanted the baby. Being a NICU nurse, it was hard for me to be at work while I was waiting to see if I was actually pregnant or not - it was like I couldn't escape what was on my mind. Well, it turned out that I was pregnant, and just as I was starting to get excited about it, over the weekend I lost the baby, and I've been taking it really hard. It turned out that this happened in the middle of 8 nights off of work, so I was able to cry to my bf about it and not work through it. Tonight I return to work, and I'm wondering how I'm going to cope. Everyone at work knew I was pregnant ("morning" sickness for me meant feeling nauseous about 95% of the time, and I had to get people to help with xrays, etc), and now I have to tell them that I miscarried. While being at work and around people that I know care about me will be a good distraction, I'm worried that being around the babies is going to be too hard for me. Does anyone have any advice for me, or has anyone been through a similar situation? Any words of encouragement you might have will be GREATLY appreciated.
Thank you!

Been there, too. I am so very sorry for your heartbreak. All I can say is that it does get better over time. Let yourself be sad when you need to be, don't try to keep doing it all and pretend it doesn't bother you. When you need to step away, lean on your friends/coworkers/SO, let them help you. Take your time to grieve. You have been through so many emotions in a very short time, sometimes other people will not understand, sometimes people will suprise you. I'm so very sorry.