Losing a baby

busyernurse, BSN, RN · Nov 1, 2006

Hey -- I read your post, and you have been on mind tonight. I am so very sorry for your loss. Sometimes it seems like it is those "surprises" that we miss the most, it seems like. I know from experience that it is so very hard. I will be praying for you and your SO. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk, or just vent. Please lean on your co-workers right now; it sounds like they will be a great help. We will be thinking of you.

Anne:heartbeat

NicuNightRN · Nov 1, 2006

Well, tonight I go back to work after having had some time off, and much like last week, I am starting to panic a little bit. My boss did say she would help pass around the info to make it a little bit easier for me, and after running into a coworker who lives in my apartment complex, I do know that the information is out. I'm worried though that people are going to look at me differently (like giving me sad looks, or something like that) and that I'm still not going to be able to deal with it at work. I haven't been sleeping, either. It seems like I can fall asleep so easily, especially if I am just cuddling with my SO on the couch watching tv...probably because my mind is away from it all. But when I'm in bed at night trying to fall asleep, I have such a hard time. Even though I fall asleep pretty quickly, I can't stay asleep. The only way I have been able to get a decent amount of sleep is by taking something to help me sleep. I've been dreaming about the baby, which I think is the problem. This was my first pregnancy, and even though the plan had been to start trying to get pregnant a couple of years from now, finding myself pregnant made me realize just how much I wanted to be pregnant NOW. In these dreams (nightmares would be a more appriopriate term, actually), my ob would tell me that something was wrong with my uterus, and I would never be able to carry a baby long enough for it to have any chance at survival. I then start panicking and crying in the dream, and even kicking and punching at my SO in my sleep because I'm so upset.

Don't get me wrong, it has gotten a *little* better. I'm just worried about how tonight at work will play out. I know my coworkers will be supportive...I've seen how we've all come together when other nurses have had to deal with hardship in their personal lives. I'm just used to being the strong one, not the one needing others to be strong just so I can make it through.

mom23RN · Nov 1, 2006

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter if it's planned, a surprise, or what... it just hurts.

I lost our first when I was just 5 weeks pregnant (unmarried but with my dh), our second when we were 20 weeks pregnant, and then our first child died when he was 10 weeks old to a congenital heart defect.

I have to say that each time, going back to work was really hard to think about. It wasnt nearly as bad once I was there though. I was a nurse only the last time. I was shocked to find out that one of my coworkers had lost her only daughter 20 years before that. I had never had any idea. It's amazing what will "save" you that first night back.

Don't worry... it won't be nearly as bad as you think it will be. It's actually kind of nice to have a place where things are "normal".

Sending ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))). I hope things go well tonight. Sounds like your coworkers are a wonderful group of people.

mom23RN · Nov 2, 2006

I was just thinking of you and hoping your night back went okay. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

NicuNightRN · Nov 2, 2006

My first night back was not what I expected. Our unit has been pretty slow (we're at about half of our normal census), so on my first night back, I had to float to the other NICU in our network! It is in a hospital that I had only ever seen from the freeway, and suddenly I had to find the hospital, parking, the NICU in the hospital, and then work with an entire group of people I'd never met before, as well as locate supplies and such within the unit. It wasn't quite as bad as I expected, but it was definitely not what I wanted for my first night back...but I didn't have any choice but to float. There ended up being 2 other nurses from my "home" hospital who had also had to float, and they knew about my situation and were super supportive. So, I got my feet wet, I guess...but tonight will be like my first night back, all over again...

Justhere, BSN, RN · Nov 8, 2006

Been thinking about you and was checking the post. Hope everything is going well with you since you went back to work. It does get easier with time and the support of your loved ones and coworkers.

(((((((((((((((hugs again)))))))))))))))))))

Penny

bandas · Nov 12, 2006

I went through a miscarriage last Christmas. I didn't know, but had gone to the doctor after bleeding for a few weeks. I just thought I was having funky periods because I was breastfeeding my 9 month old. So I found out that I was pregnant and had most likely lost the baby in the same day, and I found out later that I indeed had.

It hurt so bad, even though it was unplanned, because unplanned does not always mean unwanted. Even though some well meaning people seem to think it does. "Well you weren't planning on that baby anyways" types of remarks. In the one day of hope that we had (before the U/S confirmation) we had even jokingly talked about how we were going to get a 3rd corificeat in the car. I wish I wouldn't have allowed myself to get my hopes up.

I eventually had a d and c in the end of jan because I wouldn't stop bleeding and the day I had it done, my friend (who didn't know) called to tell me she was pregnant. Her baby was born in the end of Sept. and it was a hard nine months for me. I also had pathophysiology class the same semester that I had the d and c and had to look through all of the pictures of miscarriages and stillbirths in the book. It was awful, I rethought every move I had made thinking I had done something to cause it. I does eventually get better though. I have the hopes of another baby someday when I finish school. I'm just now in my first semester of the ADN program so I have a while. Bless you and take time to grieve and heal.

mtorado27 · Nov 13, 2006

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I went through the same situation. I'm 23 years old also & my husband and I definitely weren't planning to have children for a couple of years. I found out that I was pregnant & after the intial shock, we were VERY excited. However, three weeks later, I miscarried. It really isn't an easy thing to go through, but people cope with it in different ways. This happened to me back in September and I still get a little bitter when I see pregnant women come in the hospital I work at. But at the same time, I know we'll have our little blessing later on down the line.. that's what keeps me going and you should remember that it will happen for you too. You just have to keep looking towards the future =) I wish the best for you!

NicuNightRN · Nov 13, 2006

Thanks everyone. I'm surviving work, but still finding people that I haven't seen since this happened, and they ask things like how many weeks I am now, etc. I'm not sleeping through the night yet, but I think part of that is because I came down with a cold, so I've spent the last few nights waking up to blow my nose, sneeze, cough, and roll over and try to go back to sleep. At least I'm not having that dream everytime I fall asleep. Thanks for all of your continued support!

hamlj · Nov 17, 2006

Hi.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had 3 miscarriages, and two stillborn babies, so I understand how much it truely hurts.

I'm new to the nicu... but being as I just lost a baby in June, it's still raw, and seeing those tiny hands and feet sometimes give me flashbacks to my own babies, and what they looked like when they were born.

All I can say is I try to look for a 'reason' to why things happen. I believe maybe my circumstances helped lead me to my career path. I know how horrible I felt having a miscarriage, and how horrible it was to deliver stillborn babies... so it gives me great empathy for parents looking at their babies through a sheet of glass hooked up to tubes etc. Thankfully I have not experienced losing a patient yet... and quite frankly I'm worried how I'll react when I do... but I have to try to think of my history as a learning experience... and an education, and I will have great empathy for parents if god-forbid the occasion arises for them.

I know it still hurts for you right now, but it does ease up with time.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope things get better for you soon.

Take care.

BABY--RN · Nov 22, 2006

My heart goes out to you. I went through the exact same thing. My husband and I had been trying and trying to have our third child...finally pregnant, everybody at work knew about it, neos and all. Week number 12 I had a miscarriage. It was very hard going back to work. I had never experienced such pain before and was worried about taking care of my patients. I made it through and was doing fine until...a little one i was taking care of died. I honestly did not know who was taking care of whom. I truly bonded with those parents and could understand a part of thier loss. My advice to you...Dont rush yourself, you have suffered a horrible loss and you need to deal with it in your time. I am better after a year and a half I can talk about it most of the time without becoming upset. It was hard telling my co-workers...I found a good friend and had her pass the word so that most everyone knew before I came back from my surgery. I did find thier support very comforting. I will keep you in my prayers.

gypsy queen · Nov 23, 2006

I am new to this site and I also work in an NICU in my country.......the loss of a baby is too big to explain....so yearly we do a rememberance mass which we happen to be celebrating tonight.....we will keep you both in our toughts and prayers