Just need to vent again, considering not going back to nursing school at all (V LONG)

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Me again. This thread might be long because I have a LOT of stuff on my mind.. the post might be rambling at times because I am just going to let everything pour onto this page as I think it. I apologize in advance because it is a lot to read but I really appreciate the advice you people have given me in the past.. I know it is just the internet but it helps give me perspective.

I made a thread here a week or two ago talking about my nursing school woes.. To summarize the essence of that post, I was worried about not getting into LPN school and having to wait one more year to start because of my PSB test result. I was stressed about school and my mistakes.. I let depression get the best of me for the past 2 years and I ended up dropping out of school, and I just kept beating myself up because of the mistakes I've made. But a lot of supportive people here told me not to worry so much about it.. people make mistakes, not everyone finishes college at age 22. After reading everyone's posts and talking to some friends about my issues, I felt better. I felt that being out of school for a year isn't so bad after all. It would give me a chance to work, buy my own car (I have no independence without one), and save up some money for whatever. And I felt a little better about my mistake.. I know I messed up, but that doesn't mean I couldn't retake classes and establish a better GPA... and I felt that it was okay to make a mistake and not to torment myself because of it.

Yesterday I received my rejection letter for the LPN program. They said that the ONLY FACTOR they had an issue with was the PSB. My background (good grades in science) and my references were impressive. They said that because of that, they strongly urged me to retake the PSB and improve my score and I would likely be able to gain admission to August 2009's LPN program. Two to three weeks ago I would have been devastated at this news. But yesterday when I found out I felt relieved because I am not sure if I want to pursue nursing anymore.

Now I believe I have the confidence to focus in school. Attending class, studying my butt off, learning and memorizing everything - I think now I can handle that. Before I couldn't. Problem is, I am now doubting whether or not I am cut out to be a nurse, or if the career is the right fit for me. My mom has always told me (especially recently) that I am a smart girl but I don't have what it takes to be a nurse, that it takes a certain type of person and maybe I am not that person. She said that if I was too depressed to even focus in nursing school before then how will I ever be able to function in the workplace? Maybe she is right. A part of me is panicking too not just because of what my mom says, but because of some of the horror stories I have heard about nursing and because of the nature of the work itself. A very kind and admirable nurse I interviewed for a school project said, "You aren't actually considering becoming a nurse, are you? There's a nursing shortage for a reason! ;) It's a hard, demanding, thankless job where one loses cherished friends to death and disease altogether too often... Nursing is really a very hard job; I've been hit, stabbed at, threatened with all sorts of implements, spat on, ****** on, had my hair pulled, been punched, kicked, slammed against a wall... And for all that, we're not paid well. And people have no clue really how much a nurse has to know in order to act as a competent nurse..." Of course she has also told me that it isn't ALL BAD.. there are many times where she truly loves her job.. but when I think of her story, the stories of nurses I know personally, and after many of the stories I have read on this board I find myself wondering now what I am really getting myself into.

I never expected nursing to be easy, but I am wondering if I want to deal with being treated poorly from management and dealing with the bureacracy. I am worried about handling multiple patients at one time, dealing with their families, and the possibility of making a mistake and harming (or even worse, killing) a patient and being slapped in the face with a lawsuit (especially since nurses are gaining more autonomy in the workplace), and losing my license and everything I worked so hard for. I worry about being under constant scrutiny, constantly having people doubt my competence as a nurse. Especially in the area I want to work in (L&D), malpractice is high there. I know that some nurses really do 'eat their young' and in some facilities, gossipy nurses band together and they look for the slightest mistake you make and report it to make themselves look better. There is a lot of documenting, a lot of paperwork. I think of the hundreds of thousands of licensed nurses that aren't working in the field at all. Nurse burnout seems high and leads to turnover. Of course not ALL nursing jobs are stressful, but if all it took was a simple job change then wouldn't most nurses do that instead of leaving the profession altogether? I don't know what to expect because I haven't had clinical experience yet.

While I think I possess the brains to make it through school, the excitement of constantly learning new things and expanding my knowledge base, and compassion that patients need from their nurses, I don't know if I will enjoy the high-stress environment. At times nursing can be very rewarding but it comes at a cost. The job opportunities for nurses are there but job demands are so heavy. I would have security, a decent salary, and so many opportunities.. there are SO MANY roads you can take with nursing which is why I originally chose this field of health care instead of something else.. but is that worth trading my sanity? I am having so many doubts lately.

I was considering moving into sonography (possibly radiography first) instead. Sonography would still allow me to work in health care (the only thing I want to do!) but it seems like there are less problems to deal with. Pretty much one patient at a time, mainly outpatient procedures.. don't need to deal with a gazillion patients at one time or the "dirty work" (****, poop, IV's, catheters, medications). There is responsibility associated with ANY field of health care that you go into, but the responsibilities and worries of a sonographer or x-ray tech seems a lot less than that of a nurse. Hours seem a little more regular.. of course some weekends/holidays/on-call time is expected.. but you actually get to leave your shift at the expected time. Emotional issues don't seem as intense. Burnout appears very minimal.

But job opportunities don't seem as plentiful.. with the current economy I worry about having a more stable job when I am older.. how many x-ray or ultrasound techs can a hospital or outpatient facility really hire? Then another side of me feels that with healthcare you can't go wrong, period, that there is always a demand for SOMETHING. I also worry about the possible monotony of the job, lack of career mobility, and feeling like I am not really helping anyone. Work conditions just seem better though, and I don't think I would head home at the end of the day with tears streaming down my face.

Then comes the agonizing decision of telling my family of the change I want to make. They are going to be disappointed that I spent 3 years of time and money into nursing only to realize that maybe it's not what I want. Although my mother tells me I don't HAVE to become a nurse, I know she is going to be livid when she finds out. She was already upset when I received my rejection letter from the LPN program. She constantly reminds me of how I wasn't happy at my old school and didn't want to be there anymore.

I made mistakes with school.. choosing a school was my first real adult decision I ever made.. I feel bad about it but not everyone knows at 18 what they want to do with the rest of their lives.. there are 30 year olds that still don't know.. but she makes me feel as if I have commited an atrocity and don't deserve to be forgiven for it. I didn't do as well on the PSB as I had hoped and she told me I was a failure in life. She said, "What is everyone going to think when they find out you aren't finishing up your nursing education this year?" I told her, "If they find out then that's fine.. I can't worry about what they think, I am the one who has to live my life and handle my mistakes. I am not living my life to impress them." When I told her this she flipped out and said that was a ****** attitude to have. Then later she said, "We did everything we could for you and you went and squandered that chance. You didn't finish your education at that school, you would have been finishing this year if you did what you were supposed to do. I obviously made a mistake with you and I have failed as a parent." I told her, "No you didn't.. you did things for me because you wanted the best for me. It's my fault for not handling my issues better and dropping out for a little while.. my fault and my fault alone.. you shouldn't blame yourself for my mistakes." She told me I was an ungrateful b****. She told me that people only have one shot at going to school and that I blew my chance and I am going to be destined to working dead-end jobs for the rest of my life. I told her that just because I won't finish college at age 22 it doesn't mean I never will. When she constantly said, "Nursing isn't for you" and I said, "Well, if it's not then it's not.. I can find another career" she got even angrier. I know that she loves me and wants me to be happy but I feel like she wants me to buy into her negative thinking. There are times she is constantly encouraging me and idealizing me, but that is always followed by devaluation later on and being told how awful I am. It is frustrating and I can't help but wonder if these constant ups and downs contribute to the confidence issues I have. I don't know how to feel about myself anymore. I don't even have a driver's license yet because she makes it sound like it is the hardest thing in the world, and multiple times she has told me that I don't have the attention span to be a good, safe driver. "Some people just aren't meant to drive, I think you are one of them." I don't work because I don't want to rely on her driving me places and making me feel guilty for being even more of a burden then I already am. I feel like such a loser. :(

I know that a lot of the issues I have right now are MY fault.. I LET myself get brought down by negativity and fear. I want to change that and start taking my life into my own hands, stop being scared of everything.

I am going to need more advice later on future plans.. I might make another thread somewhere on this forum explaining my future plans, I don't have many people in RL to get advice on this from so I have to turn to the internet. :(

Right now I just needed to vent.. confused about a career and feeling so guilty about it all.. I don't know what I expect anyone on here to say, I just needed to get this all off my chest. Don't think I'm a lame loser plz. :(

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Ouch!

I *NEVER* would have said that s*** to my children. Your mother is not focused on what is best for you but whether you paint an image of her being a good mother.

You need to stop and take a breath. YOU are not making decisions based on what is best for you either and THAT is why you are having such an issues with this.

Who gives a f*** what you mother thinks? Will she go to work for you? NO. YOU are the one who shows up every day and does the job.

My children often asked me what they should do for a living and I would tell them that they should do what THEY want since *I* am not the one doing the work! I told them that I would rather see them living in a single wide trailer and HAPPY than see them in a mansion on the beach and miserable! My definition of a successful parent is that you raised a self-supporting, happy, self-confident adult.

I graduated HS in 1979. That was a DIFFERENT time in history. I was a 16 yr old HS Sr that graduated just after I turned 17. I told my father what I wanted to study and was "forbidden" to do so. Long story made short, I got an EE degree for HIM and I HATED IT AND THE JOB! I 'tripped' into computer programming and found out that not only do I love it, I am GOOD at it!!! The downside, being laid off every 2 or 3 years. I'm done.

At 45 yrs of age and a single mother of 5 children, I went back for a nursing degree. (I have DONE my share of the 'yuck' work! LOL :D:heartbeat)

You need some counseling. Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because you need guidance. Not on your career choice...FIRST you need help becoming an adult. You need to cut the apron strings and start living YOUR life and not their life for you.

Yes, your family may get angry. So what. They will get over it. You can make the wrong choice for the wrong reason and live in misery or you can learn that this is now YOUR life and YOUR decisions to make. Until you get to that point, you really will not make a good career decision for yourself.

No crime in taking time off school. But if you do that, my advice would be:

1.) Get a job that can support you.

2.) MOVE into your own place.

3.) Make peace with yourself.

4.) THEN make decisions about your future.

I wish you the best and my prayers are with you!:heartbeat

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first of all I think going to school even if you drop out is never a waste there is always something to learn from, whether you learn what you shouldn't do, what you should do, or what you want to change. I also know that explaining this to family is not easy either. Nursing school is a very challenging experience. I myself have wondered what am I going to do once I graduate if I ever get there, but guess what that "if you graduate" will come fast I'll be graduating in Dec. and am very excited but scared to death as well. As far as listening to other nurses stories don't let them influence you too much. It always seems that people tend to remember the bad things that happen more so than the good things. With that said I believe if you are going to be a nurse and go through school you need to be able to put your whole heart in it and be able to believe in yourself. It's ok to have doubts, just because you're having doubts doesn't mean you shouldn't go for it at all. I've had small doubts here and there and still do to this day but I try not to let them get the best of me. I know you have a lot going on and it's hard to but try to relax and think about it on your own without anyone elses opinions, try and think of what you would like to be doing a few years from now.

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Specializes in Trauma ICU.

[NOTE: Also somewhat long in response]

My goodness! Of course you're not a loser... *gives a giant hug*

In fact, you and I are pretty much in the same boat, and it makes me feel a little less alone in that case. (So thank you for that).

It would be selfish of me to delve into my own story in lengthy detail but basically I ended up wasting away my freshman year of college and a little over half a year after that due to clinical depression. And I was an excellent high school student so to screw up that badly (I was 17 and didn't know what I was doing) really hurts a lot. I actually ended up taking medication for my depression and seeing a counselor as well. My mother and I had problems too- very hurtful things were said...she even went as far as to boot me out of the house with a jacket on and lock the door so I couldn't get back inside until I apologized up and down. You never want the thought of "where am I going to sleep tonight?" to go through your head...ever. And you know, there was a point where it hit rock bottom, and then that moment where you kind of smack yourself in the face and go "Oh! It does get better!"

And I have gotten better too- four semesters since then with nothing below a B better. (It feels GREAT doesn't it?). Trust me from someone who has taken chemistry three times (not because I was stupid but because I wasn't willing to focus)-things do get better. Think of it as a test to see how far you're willing to go, if you want something badly enough and put in the work you will get it! The most cherished things in life aren't handed to you on a silver platter. Of course you're allowed to have doubts and if nursing really isn't what you want to do then you're more than welcome to choose another option. The idea that "some people aren't meant for things" is a bunch of bull if you ask me. I believe everyone is meant for something, but don't pigeonhole that purpose into one job or momentary failures as a way of saying you can't. (By the way I am scared of my own nursing application which goes out soon too)

-You- choose what you're meant for (not your mother) and push forward by going and doing just that.

Sometimes I think people like us are in a better situation because we've had ups and downs in our college experience (some people have nothing but happy rosy fluffy classes). Believe it or not it does make you stronger and when you come out on the other side you'll look at it and go "if I can handle this I can handle a whole lot..."

And while I myself am applying to places right now, I have been told by many advisors that colleges like nursing school do look at improvement. They love guys like us because the brand new baby applicant that has had two or four or however many perfect years of school hasn't dealt with failure. And in this profession...failure is not a foreign concept- it does happen. You will deal with gross bodily humors, excessive patient touching, death (which you had a hand in) and plenty more. But then there are the upshots...

Want to know when I decided I wanted to be a nurse? I started working as a physical therapy tech at a nursing home. People outside the medical field have this general fear of nursing homes and when I say that I loved working there they go "how?" with horrified looks on their faces. My response was the interaction I got with the people, not working with them on PT exercises (though I did love watching people learn how to walk again), but the little things in between bringing them down to the PT gym and taking them back upstairs. The smile of recognition on a lady with Alzheimers when I understood what she was trying to tell me (and no one else could figure out). Hearing a former dentist coming back from a stroke tell me how great I was doing (constantly...and it was hard for him to talk) and that I would make a great nurse. Watching a lady with cancer and admiring her strength, and feeling honored that she compared me to her students (she was a former teacher) and how successful she thought I would become. It was in between getting pillows, finding larger socks for better circulation, taking a patient outside because I could, and pushing wheelchairs around that I found the best moments of that job. I highly recommend it if you want a further peek into the nursing world. There were also grizzly memories with the great ones- every job has them. But I think it was a taste of what was to come, I'm expecting to be put through a lot, but I feel that after going through such a change from when I was 17 (like you I'm 21...in a few weeks actually) I can do a lot more than I thought I could.

I totally agree with FLmomof5 on her suggestions for things you could do to better your situation. But I also know that while I'd really love to move out of the house, its scary! If you can, talk to someone outside the house like a counselor (A drivers license is a good thing too. I failed the driver's test the first time...its not the end of the world) and get another opinion on things. It will get better and I'm so tickled that your rant has gotten me all fired up myself. (Again thank you!) People like us can get through plenty if we just stick to things. If you find yourself still sticking on the nursing track and/or having trouble with school and coming back out of things, feel free to drop me a rant.

Best of luck to you

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Thank you so much for your responses!

A little update.. tonight my parents were trying to sit down with me and figure out what I am going to do with the next year of my life since I am taking some time off school. The biggest problem with not being in school full time is that I will no longer be covered under my stepfather's health insurance plan. They really want me to be on health insurance because anything can happen - my mom ended up on cervical cancer when she didn't expect it (she is fine now), but if we hadn't had insurance she could have died and left behind a 7 year old and two baby boys. I need insurance too in case something happens, but also because of medications I am on.. I am on Accutane again to clear up my acne, Taclonex for psoriasis, and I have a three month supply of the Nuva Ring to help with acne, my irregular periods, and so I don't get pregnant. My parents are afraid of the insurance company cutting not only me off, but them off too. I want them to have insurance instead of me.. three children and 2 adults = more important than me..

of course my mother got upset and she just wouldn't stop yelling at me, screaming at me. I don't want to go on and on about details but in essence she was just rubbing my mistakes in my face, saying how I have "ruined my life".. at one point she told me, "If you are so miserable you should just hang yourself. Go down in the basement and hang yourself - I'll give you the rope." I know she doesn't mean it but she says hurtful things like that when she is upset.. maybe I am overreacting but I feel like that is an abusive statement and I have gone through my whole life being told messed up things like that from her. I am so tired of it. I am a strong person and I am forgiving and I know she is my mom, but I just can't handle being in this home with her much longer. I know that she just wants what is best for me, and she loves me and she just has a lot of anger built up from her life and doesn't control it well.. but I keep asking myself day after day why I put up with this.

Instead of living at home and working some dead-end factory job for a year JUST to have health insurance, I think I am going to have to move in with my uncle. I'll have to find jobs around there, maybe get into waitressing.. and I will have to give up my health insurance but at this point I would rather my physical health take a blow than my mental health. I am never going to feel good about things if I am dealing with her outbursts and hurtful words and being constantly told that my life is ruined and being reminded of the mistakes I have made.. I'll never be able to forgive myself for my educational setbacks if I don't get out of here. :(

I don't know what to do.. I don't know how I am going to make it on my own within a year, year and a half.. I have $15 in my bank account, no job, no car, no previous work experience.. but I've had enough.

After moments like tonight it makes me fear nursing even more. I already get yelled at and berated at home, I don't want to throw myself into a career that treats me the same way. :(

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Specializes in ob/gyn med /surg.

i'm sending you hugs and prayers..

i would never never say those things to my children... it is not the end of the world because of nursing school... i'm a very angry with your mother and she is abusive to you... how dare she speak to you like that... GRRRRRRRRR.....

honey you do what you want to do with your life... you are young and smart and have promise .. as long as you have breath in your body you have hope... you have a long life ahead of you and you will become someone you can be proud of .. it dosen't have to be done all at once... your life is not ruined!!!!! my heavens you are barely out of diapers...

if your uncle is good to you and dosen't verbally abuse you like your mom , then go live with him and have positive good things in your life... fill your life with love and positive things and sunshine...

i have 6 kids and would never never say or do hurtful things to them.. i want them to take the time to find out who they are and want they want out of life ... and if they change their minds on what they want for jobs .. who cares?? i love them no matter what they want...

life is about treating people the way you would want to be treated .. i tell my kids be good and kind to each other and others because we all need love and support...

keep us posted on how you are.... i'm glad you are standing up for yourself... everyday say something positive to yourself and keep a prayer in your heart

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Specializes in FNP, Peds, Epilepsy, Mgt., Occ. Ed.

If that's not verbal abuse, I don't know what is. Your mother needs help. You need to get out of there.

Will your uncle take you in and treat you decently? If so, then move in with him. Get a job, anything you can get for now, to start supporting yourself. You need to be away from your mother, immediately.

Now, is your life ruined? My word, no! Education usually is not wasted, and plenty of people change gears somewhere along the line. I have a degree totally unrelated to nursing that I don't "use" but don't regret. My husband has a degree he hasn't "used" and he is starting back to school now, at over twice your age, because the work he's been doing is no longer what he wishes to do. I've known any number of people who started off in one direction and went in another (including physicians who started out as nurses, respiratory therapists, dentists, and psychologists). Recently an educator at a community college told me that the concept of getting a bachelor's degree in four years is an outdated one, that most people don't graduate at 22 any more. Ruined your life? Doomed yourself to dead-end jobs? I don't think so!!

Get away from your mother, get a job, get someone to teach you how to drive, get over the notion that you aren't capable of doing whatever you really want to do.

If you really want to go into something like sonography, then by all means do so, but don't give up on nursing just out of fear. Give it a try; take a CNA class and try working in the hospital. Try getting a job in a hospital doing something like carrying trays for dietary, pushing patients around as a transporter, or working as a unit clerk. A job in a hospital might give you a much better idea what working as a nurse is really like; keep in mind that not all units nor all facilities are alike.

Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

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Sorry to hear your story, give you a big hug

Now you're 21, you are able to find a job to support yourself first, as long as you live with your mom, you'll never have a peaceful day, move out when you can, buy a car when you save enough money. When you're 24, you can borrow a loan to go back to school because only school can give you a better future.

No matter what major you're gonna choose, just don't give up your dream, it is never too late to go back to school.

I wish you the best of luck

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Yikes, that was a lot to take in.

You are still very young yet to know what you want to do. Stop being so hard on yourself. Im 37 and taking pre-req's , stil not sure for myself.

Hope you are felling a bit better now. good luck in whatever you decide.

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Specializes in Psych..

Get out and go live with your uncle.

You're making excuses for your mom's completely inappropriate and abusive behavior. Just because she's your mom doesn't mean that she's RIGHT about everything. Dwelling on your past mistakes and suggesting you hang yourself is not done out of love, and shouldn't be excused because she's your mother. It sucks when the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally are the ones who hurt us the most. What if a stranger was saying this stuff to you, would you believe it, let it hold you back?

You've done a lot in your 21 years already. Hell, I was still in party-mode at that time and didn't even get started with college until I was in my thirties. Move out, get your driver's license, get a job, and get some independence! Be proud of what you've made it through, and be proud you're planning future accomplishments, whether they be in nursing or not! Don't let your mom or anyone else tell you what you can or can't accomplish. That is all up to you.

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You need to get away from your home environment!! That should be your first step. I grew up in a very toxic home environment. What your Mom is saying to you is awful. It is really hard not to internalize that stuff when you hear it all the time.

There is nothing wrong with dropping out. It happens. Depression is a real illness, it is not a weakness. If you want to know about depression and nursing, you could check out the "disabled nurses," forum on the general nursing thread.

Have you received treatment for your depression? You might do better with a counselor to talk to. Is that Acutane leading to your depression? I've heard that it can worsen it.

I have suffered a couple of bad depressive episodes. I received treatment--both counseling and medicine. It made a huge difference. My personal relationship with my mother is that I talk to her a couple of times of year (Christmas, my birthday). That might sound terrible to some people, but I couldn't handle the constant abuse.

Don't trust anybody else's opinion on whether or not you should be a nurse. You are the only one who knows what you want to do. It may help to just take some time off for awhile, get a job, and get out of the house. You could take a short-term program like CNA. That way you'd be exposed to nursing, and you'd have money and health insurance.

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OMG. My heart is breaking for you. Your mother is spouting POISON. You do need to get out of there. Please know that as a human being, especially a young one, that you will inevitably make mistakes, but that does not make you a failure, loser etc. Many, many people find when they first enter college that they get overwhelmed and don't do as well as they are capable of doing. I was 17 when I graduated and I did horrible. My self esteem was in the pits as well. I ended up getting a job, and putting myself in a better place. It took me a long time to get up the nerve to go back to school, and I took baby steps, which means I started over at a junior college. Now I regret the time it took me to get to that point, because once I decided to really pursue nursing I am now one of the older students, but at least I got a chance to start fresh and I have managed to succeed academically. I got into nursing school and I am doing well. Knock on wood.

As for deciding if nursing really is for you and being conflicted. That is 100% normal. How many people your age really know what they want to do for the rest of their life? I knew that nursing appealed, but I had my doubts that I could do it. I had to take it one prereq at a time, and guess what? I found I could.

I am sure you will find with any profession, people who will point out the negatives. Nursing is one of those fields with such a wide scope that you could find something that fits you to a t. That isn't to say that getting to that point isn't a major battle. Nursing school is hard and there are times when you don't feel super confident, but any field you choose will be the same. It takes education and experience to become confident.

I won't try to talk you out of sonography because no education is a waste and keep in mind that just because you become an x-ray tech does not mean that you couldn't later go into nursing. Please take care of yourself. You are not a failure. Keep setting goals for yourself and working towards them one step at a time.

Hugs and regards,

Jean

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