Me again. This thread might be long because I have a LOT of stuff on my mind.. the post might be rambling at times because I am just going to let everything pour onto this page as I think it. I apologize in advance because it is a lot to read but I really appreciate the advice you people have given me in the past.. I know it is just the internet but it helps give me perspective.
I made a thread here a week or two ago talking about my nursing school woes.. To summarize the essence of that post, I was worried about not getting into LPN school and having to wait one more year to start because of my PSB test result. I was stressed about school and my mistakes.. I let depression get the best of me for the past 2 years and I ended up dropping out of school, and I just kept beating myself up because of the mistakes I've made. But a lot of supportive people here told me not to worry so much about it.. people make mistakes, not everyone finishes college at age 22. After reading everyone's posts and talking to some friends about my issues, I felt better. I felt that being out of school for a year isn't so bad after all. It would give me a chance to work, buy my own car (I have no independence without one), and save up some money for whatever. And I felt a little better about my mistake.. I know I messed up, but that doesn't mean I couldn't retake classes and establish a better GPA... and I felt that it was okay to make a mistake and not to torment myself because of it.
Yesterday I received my rejection letter for the LPN program. They said that the ONLY FACTOR they had an issue with was the PSB. My background (good grades in science) and my references were impressive. They said that because of that, they strongly urged me to retake the PSB and improve my score and I would likely be able to gain admission to August 2009's LPN program. Two to three weeks ago I would have been devastated at this news. But yesterday when I found out I felt relieved because I am not sure if I want to pursue nursing anymore.
Now I believe I have the confidence to focus in school. Attending class, studying my butt off, learning and memorizing everything - I think now I can handle that. Before I couldn't. Problem is, I am now doubting whether or not I am cut out to be a nurse, or if the career is the right fit for me. My mom has always told me (especially recently) that I am a smart girl but I don't have what it takes to be a nurse, that it takes a certain type of person and maybe I am not that person. She said that if I was too depressed to even focus in nursing school before then how will I ever be able to function in the workplace? Maybe she is right. A part of me is panicking too not just because of what my mom says, but because of some of the horror stories I have heard about nursing and because of the nature of the work itself. A very kind and admirable nurse I interviewed for a school project said, "You aren't actually considering becoming a nurse, are you? There's a nursing shortage for a reason! 
It's a hard, demanding, thankless job where one loses cherished friends to death and disease altogether too often... Nursing is really a very hard job; I've been hit, stabbed at, threatened with all sorts of implements, spat on, ****** on, had my hair pulled, been punched, kicked, slammed against a wall... And for all that, we're not paid well. And people have no clue really how much a nurse has to know in order to act as a competent nurse..." Of course she has also told me that it isn't ALL BAD.. there are many times where she truly loves her job.. but when I think of her story, the stories of nurses I know personally, and after many of the stories I have read on this board I find myself wondering now what I am really getting myself into.
I never expected nursing to be easy, but I am wondering if I want to deal with being treated poorly from management and dealing with the bureacracy. I am worried about handling multiple patients at one time, dealing with their families, and the possibility of making a mistake and harming (or even worse, killing) a patient and being slapped in the face with a lawsuit (especially since nurses are gaining more autonomy in the workplace), and losing my license and everything I worked so hard for. I worry about being under constant scrutiny, constantly having people doubt my competence as a nurse. Especially in the area I want to work in (L&D), malpractice is high there. I know that some nurses really do 'eat their young' and in some facilities, gossipy nurses band together and they look for the slightest mistake you make and report it to make themselves look better. There is a lot of documenting, a lot of paperwork. I think of the hundreds of thousands of licensed nurses that aren't working in the field at all. Nurse burnout seems high and leads to turnover. Of course not ALL nursing jobs are stressful, but if all it took was a simple job change then wouldn't most nurses do that instead of leaving the profession altogether? I don't know what to expect because I haven't had clinical experience yet.
While I think I possess the brains to make it through school, the excitement of constantly learning new things and expanding my knowledge base, and compassion that patients need from their nurses, I don't know if I will enjoy the high-stress environment. At times nursing can be very rewarding but it comes at a cost. The job opportunities for nurses are there but job demands are so heavy. I would have security, a decent salary, and so many opportunities.. there are SO MANY roads you can take with nursing which is why I originally chose this field of health care instead of something else.. but is that worth trading my sanity? I am having so many doubts lately.
I was considering moving into sonography (possibly radiography first) instead. Sonography would still allow me to work in health care (the only thing I want to do!) but it seems like there are less problems to deal with. Pretty much one patient at a time, mainly outpatient procedures.. don't need to deal with a gazillion patients at one time or the "dirty work" (****, poop, IV's, catheters, medications). There is responsibility associated with ANY field of health care that you go into, but the responsibilities and worries of a sonographer or x-ray tech seems a lot less than that of a nurse. Hours seem a little more regular.. of course some weekends/holidays/on-call time is expected.. but you actually get to leave your shift at the expected time. Emotional issues don't seem as intense. Burnout appears very minimal.
But job opportunities don't seem as plentiful.. with the current economy I worry about having a more stable job when I am older.. how many x-ray or ultrasound techs can a hospital or outpatient facility really hire? Then another side of me feels that with healthcare you can't go wrong, period, that there is always a demand for SOMETHING. I also worry about the possible monotony of the job, lack of career mobility, and feeling like I am not really helping anyone. Work conditions just seem better though, and I don't think I would head home at the end of the day with tears streaming down my face.
Then comes the agonizing decision of telling my family of the change I want to make. They are going to be disappointed that I spent 3 years of time and money into nursing only to realize that maybe it's not what I want. Although my mother tells me I don't HAVE to become a nurse, I know she is going to be livid when she finds out. She was already upset when I received my rejection letter from the LPN program. She constantly reminds me of how I wasn't happy at my old school and didn't want to be there anymore.
I made mistakes with school.. choosing a school was my first real adult decision I ever made.. I feel bad about it but not everyone knows at 18 what they want to do with the rest of their lives.. there are 30 year olds that still don't know.. but she makes me feel as if I have commited an atrocity and don't deserve to be forgiven for it. I didn't do as well on the PSB as I had hoped and she told me I was a failure in life. She said, "What is everyone going to think when they find out you aren't finishing up your nursing education this year?" I told her, "If they find out then that's fine.. I can't worry about what they think, I am the one who has to live my life and handle my mistakes. I am not living my life to impress them." When I told her this she flipped out and said that was a ****** attitude to have. Then later she said, "We did everything we could for you and you went and squandered that chance. You didn't finish your education at that school, you would have been finishing this year if you did what you were supposed to do. I obviously made a mistake with you and I have failed as a parent." I told her, "No you didn't.. you did things for me because you wanted the best for me. It's my fault for not handling my issues better and dropping out for a little while.. my fault and my fault alone.. you shouldn't blame yourself for my mistakes." She told me I was an ungrateful b****. She told me that people only have one shot at going to school and that I blew my chance and I am going to be destined to working dead-end jobs for the rest of my life. I told her that just because I won't finish college at age 22 it doesn't mean I never will. When she constantly said, "Nursing isn't for you" and I said, "Well, if it's not then it's not.. I can find another career" she got even angrier. I know that she loves me and wants me to be happy but I feel like she wants me to buy into her negative thinking. There are times she is constantly encouraging me and idealizing me, but that is always followed by devaluation later on and being told how awful I am. It is frustrating and I can't help but wonder if these constant ups and downs contribute to the confidence issues I have. I don't know how to feel about myself anymore. I don't even have a driver's license yet because she makes it sound like it is the hardest thing in the world, and multiple times she has told me that I don't have the attention span to be a good, safe driver. "Some people just aren't meant to drive, I think you are one of them." I don't work because I don't want to rely on her driving me places and making me feel guilty for being even more of a burden then I already am. I feel like such a loser. 
I know that a lot of the issues I have right now are MY fault.. I LET myself get brought down by negativity and fear. I want to change that and start taking my life into my own hands, stop being scared of everything.
I am going to need more advice later on future plans.. I might make another thread somewhere on this forum explaining my future plans, I don't have many people in RL to get advice on this from so I have to turn to the internet.
Right now I just needed to vent.. confused about a career and feeling so guilty about it all.. I don't know what I expect anyone on here to say, I just needed to get this all off my chest. Don't think I'm a lame loser plz.
PetuniaRN
59 Posts
My goodness, you have the worst mom in the world. I am so sorry you feel the way you do about yourself. She is the one with problems, not you. I think you should consider being a tech at a hospital to witness for yourself what you think of nursing, and then you will have insurance options. Waitressing isn't the only job for someone without a college education. My dean of nursing told everyone to work as close to our goal as possible to keep our "mindset" on nursing. You could be a unit secretary too. That position is very interesting. As for whether you can be a nurse, maybe, maybe not. Only way to find out is to try.
And sure, move in with your uncle for now. Once you are on your feet, consider getting roomates so rent is cheap. If you do work at a hospital, I bet you could find other nursing students to room with. Just surround yourself with more positive people. Unfortunately, you may need to limit/cut ties with your abusive mom. Hopefully one day you can work things out, but as long as you are there for her to berate/hurt/abuse, then your self esteem won't be able to go up, and it sounds like that is truly where she wants you to be. If you have younger siblings she treats like that, try to help them. God, she is a beast. I would love to slap her...sorry, but she needs it! You need this...:icon_hug: