Just need to talk (long and sad)

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Specializes in Pediatrics, ER, and NICU.

Hello,

I was just wanting to talk, not really vent or anything. I work in a level 3, I have been taking care of a littlle 25 weeker for about 2 1/2 months now. He was a twin, he was the larger and went from vent to high flow in a matter of a week or so. Sister was on vent for 2 months or so an is just now on high flow. He perfed 2 times in the first 2 weeks of life and had an ostomy as a result. He had started becoming sick a few days ago and we started antibiotics and did a work up. His mother and I have had a few heart to heart talks because of test results. He had a grade 3 and grade 4 bleed (IVH), blood pressure issues, etc...:o Monday night I had the baby next to him but helped with his care because he was so sick. His mom asked me to take care of him the next night when I came back the next night; she asked the charge nurse and she said ok. I was ok with it as it seemed so important to her and I have grown attached to both the babies. I got to work last night and found that he had died during the afternoon.:crying2: I was really affected by it but bottled everything in and took care of the babies I was assigned. I went to check on the Mom but she had already left to go home to regroup; they moved the sister to another part of our unit. I just feel kind of blue and wishing I could not get attached but that is part of our compassion I suppose. I would like to do something for the Mom but I don't know what would be appropriate, just a card seems a little impersonal. I was crocheting blankets for them both for their issolettes. Should I still give it to her?

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Specializes in NICU.

I think the blankets would be a thoughtful gift. You could tell mom that you were making blankets for her babies and ask if she would still like both of them. I'm sure she felt the love you had for her wee one.

That's rough; I was off for 4 days and came back and my little primary who was saililng through had taken a turn for the worse and died the night before I came back. This job has sadder moments than I had really realized.

I'm sorry about your baby. That's such a hard thing to go through, even as a nurse, not a parent.

I wish I was better at saying comforting things, but I'd give you a hug if I knew you in person.

{{{{{Sylkie}}}}}

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Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.

I'm so sorry for that mother's loss, and for yours. :icon_hug:

If I were that mother, I would be honored and comforted to receive a blanket handmade by one of my babies' nurses. You are a kind soul.

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I kind of feel like I am an interloper because I am not a NICU nurse, but a cardiac nurse and had posted a question, but I saw your post and was intrigued. As a mother of 30 week preemie twins and losing one five days later, I was devastated, but my NICU nurses were my rocks and saving graces. Our primary nurse was just a godsend and really helped me to keep my sanity. When my little guy was rooming in about ready to go home, she gave me an outfit for him and also a book for me from my deceased little girl called " Mommy please don't cry". That was just awesome. It is hard being the mother of twins and losing one because you are thrilled that one is doing well yet grieving the profound loss of the other. A lot of people don't know how to respond and tend to focus on the living twin and negate the existence of the the twin that has passed. It meant the world to me that she acknowledged our loss and the existence of our little girl. I think that your gift would be well appreciated.

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Hello,

I got to work last night and found that he had died during the afternoon.:crying2: I was really affected by it but bottled everything in and took care of the babies I was assigned. I went to check on the Mom but she had already left to go home to regroup; they moved the sister to another part of our unit. I just feel kind of blue and wishing I could not get attached but that is part of our compassion I suppose. I would like to do something for the Mom but I don't know what would be appropriate, just a card seems a little impersonal. I was crocheting blankets for them both for their issolettes. Should I still give it to her?

Silkiebyrd - I can tell from your note why this family wanted you to be caring for thier baby! I believe when you are not able to feel...well that's the time you should consider leaving the bedside!

That being said, suggestions...Do give the family the blankets - both of them. They are never gonna forget this baby. I don't know what your unit gives families regarding bereavement support and momentos...but you can get some very nice baby rings through Resolve Through Sharing. I think mostly just being someone they can feel free to approach is the best.

Take Care...I'm proud to know you serve! (((((((((((HUG))))))))))))

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Specializes in ob; nicu.

You just made me cry. I agree that if you ever lose your compassion, you might as well quit. How could you not love these little guys...I think mom would appreciate your blanket, it would give her something to cry into.

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Specializes in NICU.

I agree with littlepeach and kitty29 - many of us who have been in the NICU for years will tell you the same thing:

When losing a baby doesn't upset you anymore, that's when you know your time in the NICU is up.

If we didn't care so much for these babies and their families, we wouldn't be doing this. Most people, nurses or not, will say to you "I don't know how you can do that" upon finding out that you're a NICU nurse. To us, we couldn't imagine doing anything else! But to them, we have the saddest job in the world.

And sometimes, it is the saddest. There will be times in your NICU career where you will drive home from work sobbing so hard you can barely see the road. But you will drive right back to work for your next shift. Are we gluttons for punishment? NO! We just know that not every day will be that bad, that not every baby will have the same fate. That's what keeps us going. And yes, we will get attached, again and again, no matter how hard we try not to. It's impossible NOT to get attached sometimes. We are the ones caring for these tiny babies and often find ourselves smack dab in the middle of these families' most intimate moments. There will be times you hand a baby to his mother to hold for the very first time...or for the very last time. You will cry tears of joy with families as their babies finally go home...or tears of pain as they say goodbye to them. Of course it's going to affect us. If we weren't sensitive, compassionate people, we probably wouldn't be NICU nurses in the first place.

((( HUGS ))) to Silkiebyrd - did you ever finish those blankets?

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Specializes in Level III NICU.

Gompers, I hit the "Thank you" button, but I just have to tell you that your post gave me goosebumps! What you said is EXACTLY why I am a NICU nurse, and (like you said) I can't imagine doing anything else. Thank you for your reply.

Sylkiebird, I send you some hugs and support and thank you for the job that you do! :icon_hug:

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Specializes in NICU.

Thanks for the thanks!

By the way, your signature line is one of my favorite quotes ever.

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Specializes in midwifery, NICU.

Gompers...your post babe, well, that was one of the most soul touching posts I have ever read! Hugs to you for it! :heartbeat

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Specializes in NICU.
Gompers...your post babe, well, that was one of the most soul touching posts I have ever read! Hugs to you for it! :heartbeat

I have missed this board so much and now I remember why! You are all too sweet. Good to be back!!!

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Thanks for the thanks!

By the way, your signature line is one of my favorite quotes ever.

Oh I love that Quote too - always wished I get it for a gift! When I see it next time I'm going to get it for myself!

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