how to be invisible in nursing

drmorton2b · Jul 7, 2011

Don't say things like "I'm calling, HR, State, Compliance" or make a big deal about nothing..basically don't be sending the whole fire department to put out a non existent fire.

Don't rat out anyone to upper management unless it can affect your license directly. Especially if you work 11-7.. you'll be stuck with the same person and it will be obvious who ratted you out.

Sometimes bad things slip out. But when they do with me I keep it to a min. I may say so and so can't multitask and leave it at that. That is the worse I will say.

I also have kept things more generic and I know who tells everyone everything at work so I don't tell them anything. I keep things simple the most I reveal about my personal life is that I have a girlfriend that is all I don't mention anything more then that. That way people leave me alone and stop trying to fix me up with their crazy friends. I'm under 30 and male.

I think also its more of a women thing.. they tend to argue at times and the older nurses end up being like the mother trying to stop the fight...

Nccity2002, MSN, RN · Jul 7, 2011

There is no way to avoid all of the cattiness. It is just there to some extent at every job I have ever had. You can avoid most of it by ignoring the gossip. My method is just walking away when my co-workers start talking about other co-workers. I am silently saying that I will not listen to gossip. I feel that this makes me a strong person because I refuse to participate in that kind of behavior.
I am sure some people talk about me, but I do not care and they know it. I am friendly and helpful and I do not go out with the girls when invited because I do not want to open myself up for that kind of gossip.
Basically, the best advice that I can offer is to hold your head up and keep you ears and eyes open and your mouth shut. Do not participate in the gossip. Do not become overly close to anyone person or group. Be helpful when needed. Remember you are there for the pts. Last but not least, yes they will talk, but try your best not to care. I always tell people if you are going to talk about me at least make it good because my life is very boring.

Just wanted to add, that when when someone start talking about someone else, I ask them if they would be willing to say that to their faces...that usually either stop the conversation...or give the other person food for thoughts.

These kind of situations if why I prefer to work with men. :uhoh3:

nightengalegoddess · Jul 7, 2011

Yay! Great replies! Thank you! Rob, also, this author you mention has a fascinating way of looking at things, and I did buy that book! Yes, looking at work as an experiment is the funner way of surviving the slings and arrows! : ) .

Also, I do plan to speak to the yelling RN when she gets back from her vacation. I will try to be gentle, but firm, and make sure she knows that my name will not be added to anything without 'my signature', so to speak. I did already tell the manager that I am there to work with the patients and the hospital and I did not agree, did not have anything to do with that fuss...and told her that I was simply THERE when it happened. She said something like, "oh, they've been at it for years"....and I just said, 'well, know that I do not have time nor energy for that, and I do not want to be involved"...then was told that I should report this stuff asap to the charge nurse. Oh, that would make me a prized co-worker,,,,,wouldn't it? (that's a joke...a dark one)........thank you for all the positives.

My partner is also in nursing, but more in education and administration, his co-workers think he's gay without a life because he tells them so little about himself...he does a great job at it.....when they found out about me (together now for 5 years)...he said it was so funny how the women he works with said..."oh my gosh! We thought you were gay!..How come you never let us fix you up with anyone?????"....Just a little antecdote. I seldom talk to him about all this because he gets very upset and almost wants to leave nursing on account of the hypocritical nature of the profession vs the way people TRULY act towards each other! Thank you for being so helpful! Blessings and yes....dare I say....HAPPIINESS!!!!!

slackula · Jul 7, 2011

I was never able to become invisible. I tried so hard to keep a"low profile". It would only last so long and then I would have say something. Being in management is the best if want to change things. Why are nurses so catty? For a long time I never told anyone about how handsome, exciting and successful my husband was. Then I was invited to wedding with most of my co-workers and supervisor. My life really became hell at work after that. I am so glad that there are more men in nursing now. It really does change the atmosphere.I think social work would have suited me better.

HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD · Jul 7, 2011

It appears to me that the OP's primary issue is one of dealing with conflict. Becoming invisible (if possible) would certainly be one way to avoid any sort of conflict - but that just isn't possible. I know it will probably be considered a sexist comment, but we women simply aren't socialized to deal with conflict as well as our male colleagues. Most of the stereotypical "issues" associated with female-dominant environments are actually an outgrowth of our lack of effective conflict management. There is a ton of literature/evidence to support this.

Even if we all start out with the same emotional makeup, girls are more likely to value harmonic play (dolls, make believe games, etc) rather than formalized team sports... so we don't have the opportunity to become comfortable with conflict or skilled in managing it. Healthy and open conflict is not considered feminine, so we learn to engage in covert behaviors and try to emulate the 'mean girls' who are the group leaders. Hopefully, this is changing as more girls are engaging in team sports - but I digress.

Conflict is an unavoidable consequence of dealing with human beings. So nursing practice is a minefield! I would encourage the OP to make a conscious decision to develop better conflict management skills, including the ability to avoid getting 'sucked in' to disputes by clearly and objectively confronting the problem when it arises rather than trying to avoid it.

nightengalegoddess · Jul 7, 2011

Thanks Houtx. You are probably right. I guess there's no way around it! I do agree with your "sexist" point. I don't think it's sexist either. It is fact. What makes it difficult is that there is such a myriad of ways anyone will take anything at any time...and so easy to offend even when one approaches things calmly and sensibly! The way women can change positives into negatives is profound! I still do not like to be responsible for the twisted way common sense politics can be percieved by some. There will always be one who is offended by something no matter HOW it is expressed. It is exhausting to constantly have to confront stuff with co-workers in an already taxing environment. It is necessary to get rid of the idea that I EXPECT to be part psychoanalyst with my patients...but with my co-workers...I just expect they will do the 'grown up thing'...co-workers are just as messed up as patients and I guess I just have to realize that!

And to Slakula! Wow. They all really got so envious of you and your man! That just SUCKS. I do prefer working with men to women 100 %. Thank god, yes, that there are more around these days!

pedicurn, LPN, RN · Jul 8, 2011

I know it will probably be considered a sexist comment, but we women simply aren't socialized to deal with conflict as well as our male colleagues.
I would encourage the OP to make a conscious decision to develop better conflict management skills, including the ability to avoid getting 'sucked in' to disputes by clearly and objectively confronting the problem when it arises rather than trying to avoid it.

Excellent advice, thankyou HouTx.

I agree many women aren't socialised to deal with conflict past the immature behaviour they learned as children. That's why there is a solid minority of women in nursing who behave in a rather malignant fashion.

Dealing with this solid minority is a challenge and others are going to need a game plan with confronted with it.

Making a quick objective and succinct assessment of the situation then stating the behaviour accordingly seems to work for me.

Ofcourse I frame my one or two sentences with organisation cultural policy in mind.

allnurses Guide · Jul 8, 2011

It is definitely difficult if you are constantly strive to be the best you can and improve things in a visible way! I remember finding that out loud and clear from some feedback I got from my supervisor at one of my jobs who told me that while I had been absent the day before (very courageous of them :uhoh21:) several of the nurses felt that some suggestions I had made in another meeting "made them look bad" when that thought never entered my mind at the time. I was hurt they didn't feel they could come to me first as I thought a few were pretty good friends prior to that . . and surprised they would take general suggestions as somehow criticisms of them . . .

As far as the gossip goes, like others have said, I don't think people talk behind my back, I assume they do talk behind my back. That way it is a bit less of a shock to hear it has happened. When people come to me with their stories, I don't agree, disagree or add any information of my own to the discussion, finding that most people are perfectly happy to do all the talking. I never repeat what is told to me with the only exception perhaps a situation where harm has or could come to a patient, but so far nothing like that has occurred.

It is not a perfect solution and it is possible someone could misconstrue (accidentally on purpose?) merely listening as agreement as happened to nightengalegoddess already. I have to say though, that getting into home health cut waaayyyy down on the drama. What a relief!!

TheOracle · Jul 8, 2011

OP - The fact of the matter is they try to tear you down because they know you are not like them and they hate that. You are a person who has the courage to call for change and from their response it appears you are also the person with the power to bring about that change. You threaten them and their comfortable complacency in their work.

I am in a similar position at the clinic where I currently work. I arrived 2 months after the clinic first opened doors and patient intake and treatment in addition to the lab and x-ray imaging were in shambles. Assessment data was sketchy at best, lab test logs were not kept, etc and these nurses were never corrected because the provider felt it was easier to just go in and correct the information herself.

At first I just did what others have suggested: what was expected of me and kept my mouth closed. Only I didn't do the job to the other nurses' standards; I did it to my own and my profession's standards.

I got shoved into the bad guy role when the provider started calling me out as an example of how the work should be done. She clumsily attempted to foster a healthy competition of a sorts and I became the hated staff member.

At that point I decided to go all in - hell, they already disliked me. I pointed out deficiencies in their workload stream. I posted suggestions/reminders of procedure directed at no one, but as memory joggers for us all. For every shortcoming I saw, I offered a solution. So I wasn't just complaining and criticizing willy-nilly.

I wasn't so tactful when it came to areas of deficiency that could endanger patient care or shut the clinic down. I brought these issues to the provider's attention directly with information from official agencies like CLIA along with my solutions. I created the records and logs that should have been kept all along in the lab according to CLIA and these systems held each person accountable for doing or not doing what was required. When we had our CLIA inspection, we exceeded what was expected of us.

The things I did were in the best interest of our clinic and our patients. Lab results and inventory no longer get lost in the shuffle costing the clinic money - money that could go toward benefits, raises, etc. But these nurses on this staff resented it all and me included. Eventually, semi-open hostility turned to behind my back sniping and passive aggressive hostility. The provider promoted me first to lab and x-ray imaging manager then to clinic manager. My pay increased, but so did my stress. And I can agree with those who say I made things harder on myself, but in the end, right is right.

I have to say, please don't ever limit saying something to when it's your license that is affected. If something is being done or not being done and it is or can adversely affect a patient, then it's your responsibility, not only as a nurse, but as a human being to speak up. Our mission is to help people regain and maintain optimum health and in that context anyone who isn't actively advancing or supporting that mission should be dealt with. No one person is above that mission.

Now that I have jumped onto that soap box, I do actually have some tips that I've learned the hard way that might help make being the voice for change and improvement a little easier:

1. Never call anyone out directly in front of others. Always consult them in private and even then use those ever popular "I" statements.

2. With some personalities you may have to suppress the eye roll you will inevitably feel coming on, but if they do something that endangers the patient, when you consult with them privately come at it from the angle that you don't want them to lose their license should something happen to the patient. Appeal to their own ego.

3. Try to gather support individually among your co-workers prior to bringing up the change or suggestion to the manager and group at large. People want to feel like they're in control of their own destiny whether they actually are or not.

4. When something succeeds share the glory and credit the team. If it flounders take sole responsibility. It's harder to dislike or be disloyal to the person who would take a bullet for you.

5. As hard as it is sometimes - focus on the good the team members do and recognize that. With some people you may have to be as enthused and encouraging as you would with a 2 year old, but it works if you can pull it off as genuine. Address the negative as needed, but don't let that be what they get most of their attention for.

6. Present new ways to streamline work or correction of mistakes as hypotheticals. For example: "I see we keep the hard copies of lab results next to the shred pile. Do you think if we put them over there in the lab or here by the computer we could save our future butts? I don't know about you, but when it's busy here I can just see me shredding those results by mistake."

7. A spin on number 6 is bringing up an unattractive work habit/problem that is present in a staff member as a problem of your own or the problem of a hypothetical person like member of your family or your husband or wife's boss. It doesn't directly call them out for their mistake, but let's them discuss it. Plus people love being consulted for their advice. (NEVER use another coworker of yours as an example).

For example: "Hey Unpleasant Co-Worker, do you have a minute? I need some advice. My husband was telling me how his assistant/coworker always seems to disappear when the going gets tough. He's at a loss on how to handle it and I can tell it is really wearing him out. He asked me what he should do and I have no idea what to tell him. What are your thoughts?" (Note - Some people are just too oblivious for this to sink in, so it won't always work).

Anyway, sorry for the long post. My tips aren't 100%, but I have had an easier time in managing people and change at work since trying them out. Good luck and don't stop striving to be better!

nightengalegoddess · Jul 9, 2011

Oracle! My type of person!!! Brilliant! Who ever thought that being a nurse would be so much like being a mommy (to co-workers, that is)...Just beautiful!...In the end, right is right. I confronted the RN who 'used' my name as amunition tonight. I did it very innocently and kind...and to my surprise....she admitted using my name, apologized, and agreed that it was an act of desperation on her part. Also, she knows where I stand now...and I don't think it will ever happen again. As for change....I am new here....so will work on playing well together before I embark on my rabid volunteerism..........Thanks Oracle....and CONGRATULATIONS........on being the best you can be no matter what!!! I like you!!!!!!!!!

TheOracle · Jul 12, 2011

Thanks! I'm glad you were able to settle things to a degree with your co-worker!

sofla98 · Jul 14, 2011

oh girl! i feel ya on this! i started my current position in 2009. i was so excited for this fresh start as i had been very unhappy and was going to leave bedside/nursing all together for an office, home care, or some other environment/job. everything was going great for me, i wowed the management and physicians, families, patients, and other medical professionals with my nursing skills, positive attitude, and work ethic. i have always been a good nurse, but i had finally become the best nurse i could be because i was happy :)

this was short lived, however, once one of the nurse aides locked her target onto me. i have absolutely had it with her. i cannot even compete with her, as she is crazy :devil: . she has ruined relationships with the majority of my co-workers, and she constantly lies and says i say and do things that i do not do. she did have one of the managers in her back pocket, but that manager left the unit. but, before this manager left, crazy made sure to lie enough so the manager, the main dept. head, and i had to have a meeting where i was balled out so bad i couldn't even speak to defend myself.....all of the content= liesthat pretty much ruined the main bosses picture of me and i can tell a huge difference in the way she looked at me before the two crazy's pulled me into this mess!

for a while, things settled down and all was good, but that was only a short reprieve from her antics. she has started her lies again :yawn: and the things i have been told by trusted resources are so ridiculous, i should just laugh at them, but she is so convincing, people believe her! i was keeping a journal about my day at work, interactions i had with co-workers/family/patients, but i stopped because she settled down. so, now i am going to have to get back at it, writing down all the things i say and do in a very meticulous and detailed way. that way, when i am eventually called back into the principal's office, out the notebook will come and i can go back and reference it. i know, ridiculous, right?

i just have to pray that all of her b.s. will catch up with her and that the manager that i have now will know that i am not doing the things she says. i want to stay in this position until i am finished with my master's. i love the patients and families that i care for. i know in my heart that this is what i am supposed to be doing and come hell or high water (or a ca-ca-ca-caaarraaazzzzyyyyy nurse aide) i am going to do it!

i hope that you just keep on keeping on, do the best job that you can, and continue to provide your patients with the quality care that they deserve. one way try and avoid the nonsense without looking like i am withdrawing from staff interaction is to stay busy! you can interact, talk with, educate, and spend time with your patients or catch up on educating yourself.

screw the haters, i believe that a lot of this bull**** that goes on in nursing is due to jealousy, nurse/people skill-envy, intellect/education level, and gossip whores. i know that i am taking this next 10 days off :) and when i return to work, i will kill them with kindness, do an even better job for my patients, and let my super-shield of awesomeness block out all of the hateful lies and b.s. remarks that any of those skanks try to throw my way.

good luck