I have a drinking problem. I've had one for a long time...but it is just getting worse and worse. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I think I could become one.
I use to drink for "fun"...It made me less inhibited and it took away my anxiety. I felt "liked" by everyone when I was drunk...because I was "fun to be around"
The truth is...I don't have many friends anymore, and I'm not drinking for fun anymore. I drink alone in my room. I buy a bottle of wine and lock the door. I hide the bottle in my draw.
I drink because it makes me forget, it makes me not care. It takes away my anxiety. The times I do go out to drink with others, I ALWAYS drink in excess...to the point of not being able to walk on my own and I end up saying and doing things that I later feel terribly embarassed about.
The part that is upsetting to me is the fact that I frequently do NOT intend on drinking so excessively, but I have one and lose control...I can't stop once I start....I often do not stop until I am beyond drunk. I honestly feel powerless over alcohol. I know that if I have one, I will not stop, until I physically can't drink anymore.
The thing is, I don't do this all the time. I always pictured alcoholism as drinking everyday, or in the morning. I don't do that. But the other behaviors I have have alarming to me.
There are a whole bunch of "yets" in the addiction world. You sound a whole lot like me. I pondered around the idea of the possibility of a drinking problem. I would maybe drink every 4-5 day to every 2-3 weeks. And I NEVER had "a hair of the dog" the next morning to make me feel better....God, that's the last thing I wanted! I did turn to xanax to put me back to sleep the nxt day because all I wanted to do was forget the night before. There's a saying in th Big Book.. "Fear sobered me for a bit, then came the insidious insanity for that first drink". I am new in recovery, and have been wanting to just forget about this drinking issue. But I've learned that's a form of denial. The "yets" might not have happened, but give em time. You will start losing things in your life that you thought you would never risk losing. I get tunneled vision sometimes, and the obsession and cravings "kick in". But.... I'm starting to realize that I have waaay tooo many things wonderful in my life to let this damn drug take over. I suggest you decide how important the things around really are, then pray. I know that if I roll the dice ONE more time and drink, then I might kill someone driving. And I couldn't live with that. And if I was in jail, I wouldn't see the birth of our child that's due in june. Keep it simple...and please don't worry about the future and your drinking. Just One Day at A Time! I pray for you.
Maybe just going to a meeting would help some of those feelings clarify themselves. You don't have to say anything, just sit there and listen.
This is true. Attending an AA meeting doesn't commit you to anything or even officially certify you as an alcoholic/someone with a drinking problem. Open AA meetings are as they say: open to anyone.
Go to one and learn about the disease from those who live and struggle with it--perhaps you may hear something that you can relate to and that will help you understand your feelings a bit better.
Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.
This is true. Attending an AA meeting doesn't commit you to anything or even officially certify you as an alcoholic/someone with a drinking problem. Open AA meetings are as they say: open to anyone.
Go to one and learn about the disease from those who live and struggle with it--perhaps you may hear something that you can relate to and that will help you understand your feelings a bit better.
As Meriwhen said in her post, go to some AA meetings (not just one or two...got to several a week to find several that seem to "fit" you) and focus on the "...hear something you can relate to..."
A common mistake all of us in recovery make early in our recovery is to focus on all the differences we see in the people at AA, NA, or other 12 Step meetings. If you are open-minded and really, really listen, you will begin to hear similarities you share with these folks.
A common mistake all of us in recovery make early in our recovery is to focus on all the differences we see in the people at AA, NA, or other 12 Step meetings. If you are open-minded and really, really listen, you will begin to hear similarities you share with these folks.
This is exactly what I am perplexed about when I see groups branching off, such as CMA (Crystal Meth Anonymous), PA (Pills Anonymous), etc. But I can kind of understand because in the beginning, I had a hard time understanding how I belonged in a room full of meth addicts when I liked to eat pills by the handful. I couldn't grasp the "common bond" idea. And I went back out after staying clean for about 2 months. Now, I attend mostly AA meetings, although I've never really drank. I LOVE my Saturday morning CA meeting with a passion; that room is pure magic and so are the people in there. It's a complete mixed bag of folks, not just for those who used cocaine. My first sponsor was a recovering cocaine addict who went to NA meetings, had never been an "alcoholic", and was a nurse. I thought she was perfect because she fit all my requirements. Six months later, after speaking with others in recovery, I realized that a sponsor should be a kind of teacher and I wasn't getting any of that. I would talk to her and she would ask "So, what step are you on now?". I changed sponsors to my current one who is a recovering alcoholic and not a nurse. I love her and she's been such a great teacher with the program of recovery. I've gotten crap from other addicts about why I have someone from AA as a sponsor and how could I possibly be learning anything about my disease. Who cares? She has been instrumental in getting me past Step 4 (miracle in itself!) and we share the commonality of addiction, no matter what our substances. Certain AA meetings I attend they do not want any talk other than that of alcohol and I respect that, announcing myself as an alcoholic. I attend NA meetings occasionally but I really get more out of the AA meetings. Being able to see what we all share instead of our differences is priceless. I'm so glad my eyes were opened to that and that I was able to stop focusing on who did what drug or drank what and how much. It doesn't matter. The reasons for using the substances are all pretty much the same from what I've learned in those rooms. And that's what matters to me.
Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.
Excellent! One of the things the cucumbers always ask when I do my presentations is, "How could someone with the intelligence and perseverance to get through nursing school, anesthesia training, medical school, etc. let this happen to themselves?" That's like asking how can an oncolgist get cancer, or a cardiologest get heart disease. If someone is rolling down a hill toward a drop off to a rocky coastline with huge waves, does it matter how they got into this predicament, or does it matter that we stop their fall and then get them back up the hill? "Becoming an addict" isn't like becoming a nurse, priest, president or astronaut. Until people in our profession begin to understand the science of this disease we'll keep treating addicts like some evil butthead instead of as someone with a chronic, progressive, potentially deadly disease. And it's not necessary for people to die. This disease can be treated successfully. We're living proof!
hi everyone i've been ready your message, i know i have a drinking problem, i drink a bottle of wine a day and some times more, i hate the way i feel the next day i'm horrible to my boyfriend, last week i didnt drink for 5days and felt really good then weekend came and i thought i'd just drink then but it didnt stop i carryed on drinkin everyday,
i dont drink in the day i'm normally suffering from a hang over, but its the first thing i think about when i'm driving home from work, it doesnt bother me not to drink when i go out i normally offer to drive i dont like seeing people get drunk and they carry on even tho they carnt speak properly i think stop drinking your killing yourself, but then i do the same at home, i started drinkin when i was about 15from what i can remember neally everyday, i'm now nearl25, but really bad these last 4 years my boyfriend called me an alcoholic today ive really upset him, i dont wanna drink anymore, i'll know wot will happen i'll stay of it for the nxt few day cos i feel guilty but it will be hard, then i think i can control it and i'll be back on it, when i dont drink i carnt sleep i'm up allnight, but i do when i drink my boyfriend says its because i just passout
Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.
hi everyone i've been ready your message, i know i have a drinking problem, i drink a bottle of wine a day and some times more, i hate the way i feel the next day i'm horrible to my boyfriend, last week i didnt drink for 5days and felt really good then weekend came and i thought i'd just drink then but it didnt stop i carryed on drinkin everyday,
i dont drink in the day i'm normally suffering from a hang over, but its the first thing i think about when i'm driving home from work, it doesnt bother me not to drink when i go out i normally offer to drive i dont like seeing people get drunk and they carry on even tho they carnt speak properly i think stop drinking your killing yourself, but then i do the same at home, i started drinkin when i was about 15from what i can remember neally everyday, i'm now nearl25, but really bad these last 4 years my boyfriend called me an alcoholic today ive really upset him, i dont wanna drink anymore, i'll know wot will happen i'll stay of it for the nxt few day cos i feel guilty but it will be hard, then i think i can control it and i'll be back on it, when i dont drink i carnt sleep i'm up allnight, but i do when i drink my boyfriend says its because i just passout
Donna, congratulations on taking the first step in getting well...you've recognized you are "powerless over alcohol, and your life has become unmanageable".
Chemical Dependence (whether the substance is alcohol, opioids, benzodiazepines, etc.) is a genetically based disease that is triggered by environmental stressors (the pressures of life, poor coping skills, and exposure to mood altering substances or activities). Once the disease is triggered, the use of chemicals or activities is no longer a choice because specific areas of the brain (the limbic brain and prefrontal cortex) are chemically and physically altered. As a result of these changes, the brain begins to equate the use of the chemical or activity as important, even necessary for survival. It takes time for the brain to recuperate from these changes (18 months or more) and can only happen with abstinence from mood altering chemicals (we're not talking SSRIs here...we're talking alcohol and other chemicals like cocaine, marijuana, opioids, etc.).
The good news? This is a treatable disease, and long term remission (recovery) is possible. It's not easy and will take lots of hard work.
Request a medical leave and enter treatment, preferably inpatient (especially when detoxing from alcohol, benzodiazepines, and barbiturates, since going "cold turkey" from these substances can be life threatening as a result of seizures, hypertension, etc.). You can not do this alone.
Know this. You are NOT a bad person trying to become good. You have a chronic, progressive, potentially fatal disease and are trying to get well.
Feel free to PM me anytime. You are in my prayers.
thanks for the help Jack, just a quick question theres one thing i carnt get my head around i only ever drink wine in the house, i have loads of bottles of champagne,, larger, rum, baylies ect but when i run out of wine i dont touch any of them its just wine that bothers me, i end up buying wine everyday as i dont stock up on it as i know i'd open another bottle after the first one, but if i miss the shop and dont have any wine, i'll still really want some but i dont go and open the mulled wine or champagne why is this?
Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.
thanks for the help Jack, just a quick question theres one thing i carnt get my head around i only ever drink wine in the house, i have loads of bottles of champagne,, larger, rum, baylies ect but when i run out of wine i dont touch any of them its just wine that bothers me, i end up buying wine everyday as i dont stock up on it as i know i'd open another bottle after the first one, but if i miss the shop and dont have any wine, i'll still really want some but i dont go and open the mulled wine or champagne why is this?
Excellent question. Despite the large amount of scientific information we've gathered over the past 3 decades, there is still so much more to learn about the pathophysiology of this disease.
My drug of (no) choice was opioids. In the early stages of my addiction, opioids were the only thing I wanted and used, But as my disease progressed, I began including other medications (benzo's sedatives, etc.) and alcohol. Alcohol was never a "problem" for me. I didn't drink until I was out of high school. I got blasted twice, hated the way I felt, and rarely drank anything (hated the taste of liquor). But the sicker I became, the more "stuff" I would use. I have several colleagues in recovery with alcohol as the primary substance. But each one of them said they began using opioids and sedatives because they couldn't show up at work smelling like a brewery.
Everyone will have a slightly different use pattern. As the disease progresses, their use patterns will begin to become very similar...using larger amounts of their primary drug of choice combined with other substances in order to enhance their primary substance, or to substitute for their primary substance because they can't get enough, or because it's more easily detected (like the smell of alcohol on their breath). Some people only drink on the weekends, but consume huge amounts (binge drinking).
I highly recommend the DVD "Pleasure Unwoven". It explains the disease of addiction in a very understandable fashion. Here's a link to several clips on YouTube. Pleasure Unwoven
I feel like you are telling my story, except I was not as smart as you and received a DUI before I found help. I can say now that I am an alcoholic and believe it! As everyone has said, go to a few AA meetings and it will help you realize that you have an allergy to alcohol and can't drink like others. I am happy to say I am an alcoholic and am 6months sober, life has never been better. Initially I felt that I would never again have any fun if I wasn't able to drink but have since realized life does go on without alcohol and actually much easier. I now remember what I did the night before, I also don't have to be embarrassed because of what I did or said, It is a great feeling and has helped me feel better about myself. So all I can say is give it a try, you will be pleasantly surprised, I promise. Best of luck! And if the first group isn't for you, keep looking there are many AA groups out there.
think i may need some help
bigdttu
14 Posts
KayceeLeeRN,
There are a whole bunch of "yets" in the addiction world. You sound a whole lot like me. I pondered around the idea of the possibility of a drinking problem. I would maybe drink every 4-5 day to every 2-3 weeks. And I NEVER had "a hair of the dog" the next morning to make me feel better....God, that's the last thing I wanted! I did turn to xanax to put me back to sleep the nxt day because all I wanted to do was forget the night before. There's a saying in th Big Book.. "Fear sobered me for a bit, then came the insidious insanity for that first drink". I am new in recovery, and have been wanting to just forget about this drinking issue. But I've learned that's a form of denial. The "yets" might not have happened, but give em time. You will start losing things in your life that you thought you would never risk losing. I get tunneled vision sometimes, and the obsession and cravings "kick in". But.... I'm starting to realize that I have waaay tooo many things wonderful in my life to let this damn drug take over. I suggest you decide how important the things around really are, then pray. I know that if I roll the dice ONE more time and drink, then I might kill someone driving. And I couldn't live with that. And if I was in jail, I wouldn't see the birth of our child that's due in june. Keep it simple...and please don't worry about the future and your drinking. Just One Day at A Time! I pray for you.