I remain very depressed. Things with Worker's Comp could not be worse. I still believe they are deliberately messing my checks up to create financial hardship. My lawyer sucks. He said they were within the boundaries of the law, I have no recourse. I don't believe it. I have an appointment to see an attorney about appealing my disability claim feb.10. Now I need to make an appointment with yet a different one to file bankruptcy. That will make 3 leaches instead of one. I keep having thoughts of blood dripping from both wrists. I think that if I am dead at least the kids will have my social security checks and be eligible to get Pell grants to go to college and they would also get Medicaid. Then my daughter could get her feet fixed. The downside is that I would be dead. Some days even that doesn't seem to be a bad thing. I fell so helpless, angry and out of control. I either sleep too much or not at all. I wake up every two hours or so either way. When I wake up, I am assaulted by pain, and unpaid bills, mistakes I have made and my general unworthiness. I know I am in a major depression, but I can't get help, no money. WC refuses to pay for any help. The pain has gotten hard to bear and with no one willing to treat the knee pain, arm pain, wrist and hand pain, much less believe I even have it, what am I to do? The girls know we have no money, yet they hound me for prom dresses, etc. they don't even believe I hurt, I've been told several times I need to get off my ass and go back to work. That really discourages me. They have both told me they do not care if I hurt, they do not want to hear about it. As a matter of fact, I have heard that from virtually every member of my family. So now I am shut out, isolated, alone. I think a lot about dead, dying, being free of all this stress, not having to be a failure anymore, not having to look at the disgust and disappointment I see in their eyes. I called the mental health center to see if I could get an appointment and I could not. I don't even have the $15 or $20 necessary to get one. Which is pathetic. Yet we have money to buy my husband's beer and cigarettes. At least he has his priority's straight. I even thought maybe I should attempt suicide for no other reason than to get somebody to notice or care about how seriously depressed I am, I need help. But what kind of example would that give my children? I already feel like we have a "he who throws the biggest fit gets their way"thing going on around here. Or they negate your true feelings of despair, pain and anguish by saying I am being dramatic. But yet it still keeps coming back to that, whispering to me that if I just died, I wouldn't have to go through this anymore. It is very seductive at times and I worry that one day the despair will become so great that I listen. I wonder about all those overdoses I took care of. I think of how we would sit in report and say, "well, she didn't take enough to do the job right, she was just trying to get attention". Maybe they had reached out for understanding and help before too, maybe their families blew them off as being dramatic or were just tried of hearing about the pain and misery. Just like my family. Maybe it was the only way they could get anybody to care or listen. As I said, the allure of attempting suicide is becoming more and more seductive. I can't let this happen to me. But I have lost all hope. It's strange, but I feel like I am divided into two persons, one who is almost clinical, watching and analyzing what is happening to me, watching me sink further and further into depression, and the other who is drowning, sinking in despair. I wonder which one is going to win in the long run.
