I really need help

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I remain very depressed. Things with Worker's Comp could not be worse. I still believe they are deliberately messing my checks up to create financial hardship. My lawyer sucks. He said they were within the boundaries of the law, I have no recourse. I don't believe it. I have an appointment to see an attorney about appealing my disability claim feb.10. Now I need to make an appointment with yet a different one to file bankruptcy. That will make 3 leaches instead of one. I keep having thoughts of blood dripping from both wrists. I think that if I am dead at least the kids will have my social security checks and be eligible to get Pell grants to go to college and they would also get Medicaid. Then my daughter could get her feet fixed. The downside is that I would be dead. Some days even that doesn't seem to be a bad thing. I fell so helpless, angry and out of control. I either sleep too much or not at all. I wake up every two hours or so either way. When I wake up, I am assaulted by pain, and unpaid bills, mistakes I have made and my general unworthiness. I know I am in a major depression, but I can't get help, no money. WC refuses to pay for any help. The pain has gotten hard to bear and with no one willing to treat the knee pain, arm pain, wrist and hand pain, much less believe I even have it, what am I to do? The girls know we have no money, yet they hound me for prom dresses, etc. they don't even believe I hurt, I've been told several times I need to get off my ass and go back to work. That really discourages me. They have both told me they do not care if I hurt, they do not want to hear about it. As a matter of fact, I have heard that from virtually every member of my family. So now I am shut out, isolated, alone. I think a lot about dead, dying, being free of all this stress, not having to be a failure anymore, not having to look at the disgust and disappointment I see in their eyes. I called the mental health center to see if I could get an appointment and I could not. I don't even have the $15 or $20 necessary to get one. Which is pathetic. Yet we have money to buy my husband's beer and cigarettes. At least he has his priority's straight. I even thought maybe I should attempt suicide for no other reason than to get somebody to notice or care about how seriously depressed I am, I need help. But what kind of example would that give my children? I already feel like we have a "he who throws the biggest fit gets their way"thing going on around here. Or they negate your true feelings of despair, pain and anguish by saying I am being dramatic. But yet it still keeps coming back to that, whispering to me that if I just died, I wouldn't have to go through this anymore. It is very seductive at times and I worry that one day the despair will become so great that I listen. I wonder about all those overdoses I took care of. I think of how we would sit in report and say, "well, she didn't take enough to do the job right, she was just trying to get attention". Maybe they had reached out for understanding and help before too, maybe their families blew them off as being dramatic or were just tried of hearing about the pain and misery. Just like my family. Maybe it was the only way they could get anybody to care or listen. As I said, the allure of attempting suicide is becoming more and more seductive. I can't let this happen to me. But I have lost all hope. It's strange, but I feel like I am divided into two persons, one who is almost clinical, watching and analyzing what is happening to me, watching me sink further and further into depression, and the other who is drowning, sinking in despair. I wonder which one is going to win in the long run.

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Specializes in Oncology, Cardiology, ER, L/D.

Cat, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now, but please don't give up! This may sound cliche but suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem! Can you call a hotline? Maybe they can get you some help.

After reading your profile, I see that you have a grandson. Do you really want to leave him without his Nana? No. You CAN get through this! Please keep us posted on how you are doing? We care.

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Specializes in HIV/AIDS, Dementia, Psych.

No matter how bad times seem at the moment...they WILL get better! Do NOT kill yourself. Do NOT do that to those who love you. My best friend committed suicide and she really ruined a big part of my life. It is unfair to you and those around you to do such a thing. It is selfish and I know you are stronger than that. Pick yourself up and look past the pain at what you can do to make things BETTER. Please listen to what I am saying. You only get one life and you will be ok. Keep trying every day until you find someone to help you through this...Good luck, and come talk when you need to.

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Cat,

Please know that there are those who do care. Find a hotline and call!!! You need to get the help that you deserve. If your family is not supportive, do you have friends that may be? Please do not attempt suicide. As someone already said here, things will get better. I know that you cannot see that right now, but they will. I was once homeless and without any money or food for my children. I went to a church that I had once gone to and they helped me get back on my feet. Do you have a church in town that you can call? Sometimes life deals us terrible blows... and I know that it is so hard to face, but you must do this for your loved ones and for you. They may seem unsupportive, but I bet that mainly they are not able to understand completely how you feel. Hang in there and please post again so we may know if you are okay. There is help... do not forget.

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

i THINK you need to seek counseling prior to another attorney. I worry your mental status. PLEASE PLEASE get counseling ...perhaps this will make things "clearer" to you.....but whatever you do DO NOT HURT YOURSELF...please!!!!

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Specializes in Trauma,ER,CCU/OHU/Nsg Ed/Nsg Research.

Call that hotline STAT. They can refer you to free services. If you don't want to do that- please get yourself admitted to the nearest emergency psych hospital STAT. Take you own suicidal ideations seriously...please do that. It's way more important than the money issue right now. Deal with this first, and everything else can fall into place later. If a friend was telling you the things you are saying here, you would drive them to the nearest hospital, right? Then please do that for yourself. If your family isn't seeing the signs of danger here, then you need to. Please let us know how everything turns out. :o

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Specializes in HIV/AIDS, Dementia, Psych.

catrn10~

How are you feeling this evening? Please come in and let us know how you are.

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Specializes in ED staff.

Cat... if nothing else head to the ED, you can pay them later. You need some help sweetie. Please let us know how you are, your brother and sister nurses (this includes students etc) really do care. If you want to "whine" you can do it with us. Hang in there, you CAN get through this :) Wendy

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You defintely need to get the right kind of help. In addition to the great suggestions above, ;ook for support groups in your area.

As for your girls hounding you for things like prom dresses, etc., tell them to go out and earn them.

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cat, please take the advice of these fine nurses and do what you know you MUST do. Now is not the time to concern yourself with prom dresses for your daughters, and if they aren't mature enough yet to grasp the severity of your situation, take heart in the fact that one day they will.

But at this very moment, it is YOU who needs healing and attention. You know the seriousness of the things you are thinking, and you know from your training that there IS help, and you MUST get it.

Take everything one step at a time. If these thoughts of suicide continue, you must go to the ED, pronto! Worry about the payment later.

Worry about the WC and the lawyers and the finances LATER.

Things do have a way of working out, but you have to be ALIVE to appreciate it, right?

HUGS to you. Anytime and I mean, ANYtime you need to talk, come here and use us as a sounding board.

Please know that my thoughts are with you. I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

Please, please, nurse... take care of yourself!:kiss

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I thank all of you for your caring. The Hotline I called was the only one in my area. The fee for counciling is based on income, something I don't have right now, all of it is mildly ridiculous."Hello, I want to kill myself""Oh, OK, what's your income level????" I don't feel sorry for myself, just angry and hopeless. I don't want to go to the ED, I used to work there.And money IS an issue, a really big one. If it weren't , I would not be in this mess. Right now I drift back and forth. I was going to write more, but I just can't. I promise I won't do anything for now. Thanks for caring.

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Specializes in HIV/AIDS, Dementia, Psych.
I promise I won't do anything for now.

That's a wonderful choice cat...I hope you find your way, and I hope you find happiness. For now, we're all here for you. We care:kiss

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