As I am writing this I am completely distraught so if this doesn't make sense, I apologize in advance. I am a new nurse (my 1 year anniversary is this month) and I have been working in L&D for my whole 1 year career as a nurse. Up until today, I have felt like I was a good nurse. There are many times when I still feel unsure and lost, but I feel like I am learning a lot and that I take good care of my pts. I love my job as an L&D nurse, I feel that over the past few months I have earned the respect of the physicians I work with and the management. I have had numerous patients make positive comments about me on surveys, and even had the highest number of positive comments this past quarter for our entire dept. All of this is well and good, but fast forward to the events of a day ago.
I was working on what was an extremely busy day in our unit. I offered to watch another nurse's patient for a few minutes while she did a delivery on another pt. While I was looking out for this pt., the MD came in and decided to do a C/S on her, right then, for failure to progress. I went back to circulate the case and handed off report on my other patient to another nurse. The whole scenario was a big mess, a big HURRIED mess because the MD wanted to hurry up and finish the C/S before the next scheduled C/S was due. The case was proceeding well, I performed my counts before the case started, upon closure of the uterus, and upon closure of the peritoneum. All were correct. Just before the doc closed the skin, I performed my last sharp/ sponge count. I counted 10 laps in the kick bucket, 3 on the table, and what I thought at that moment was 2 on the pt. That makes 15. The case ended, and I proceeded to gather washclothes, ect. to clean up the pt. and hurry on to the recovery room. When I approached the drape covering the pt., at this time I only saw 1 lap, not 2. I froze. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I should have stopped right then, went and got the doc, and redone the lap count. But I was scared. Scared and intimidated, afraid to inconvenience everyone because they were in a hurry, and just plain spineless. I hate myself for this, but I didn't say anything at that time. I knew, logically, that all the laps had to be there because my first 2 counts were absolutely correct. I am such an idiot; I took that pt. to the recovery room and didn't say a word.
It ate me alive. I couldn't sleep last night, I can't eat, I just cry. This AM when I woke up I couldn't stand it. I phoned my nurse manager and told her the entire story. She was very upset with me; I deserve that. But THANK GOD she did say she would talk to the doc. and do an X-ray to make sure. She did say that there was really no where the lap could have got off to since the first 2 counts were correct, but she was quite cold.
She just called me back and THANK THE LORD there was no laps inside. I am so glad and relieved because I was so worried about the poor pt. I could never live with myself if my lack of courage had caused her pain or worse. My nurse manager was still very cold to me, she proceeded to tell me that I would be written up and that the doc. on the case was furious with me. She said to expect that he might say something to me. I am so scared. I have never been written up in my life, and I feel so horrible and dirty. I thought I was a good nurse, and also a decent person, but now I feel like a nothing. I don't know if I can walk back into that unit again. How could I do something so horrible? I know that I did the right thing by calling my manager, but I sure don't feel like it. I did the right thing, but just too late. I hate myself right now. I am a Christian and I feel like I have high moral standards, I just don't see how I could have messed up this way. Is it hopeless, should I find another job? I am so afraid.
Thanks for reading this. I know it was long, I just had to tell somebody and I feel like I don't have anybody.
