As I am writing this I am completely distraught so if this doesn't make sense, I apologize in advance. I am a new nurse (my 1 year anniversary is this month) and I have been working in L&D for my whole 1 year career as a nurse. Up until today, I have felt like I was a good nurse. There are many times when I still feel unsure and lost, but I feel like I am learning a lot and that I take good care of my pts. I love my job as an L&D nurse, I feel that over the past few months I have earned the respect of the physicians I work with and the management. I have had numerous patients make positive comments about me on surveys, and even had the highest number of positive comments this past quarter for our entire dept. All of this is well and good, but fast forward to the events of a day ago.
I was working on what was an extremely busy day in our unit. I offered to watch another nurse's patient for a few minutes while she did a delivery on another pt. While I was looking out for this pt., the MD came in and decided to do a C/S on her, right then, for failure to progress. I went back to circulate the case and handed off report on my other patient to another nurse. The whole scenario was a big mess, a big HURRIED mess because the MD wanted to hurry up and finish the C/S before the next scheduled C/S was due. The case was proceeding well, I performed my counts before the case started, upon closure of the uterus, and upon closure of the peritoneum. All were correct. Just before the doc closed the skin, I performed my last sharp/ sponge count. I counted 10 laps in the kick bucket, 3 on the table, and what I thought at that moment was 2 on the pt. That makes 15. The case ended, and I proceeded to gather washclothes, ect. to clean up the pt. and hurry on to the recovery room. When I approached the drape covering the pt., at this time I only saw 1 lap, not 2. I froze. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I should have stopped right then, went and got the doc, and redone the lap count. But I was scared. Scared and intimidated, afraid to inconvenience everyone because they were in a hurry, and just plain spineless. I hate myself for this, but I didn't say anything at that time. I knew, logically, that all the laps had to be there because my first 2 counts were absolutely correct. I am such an idiot; I took that pt. to the recovery room and didn't say a word.
It ate me alive. I couldn't sleep last night, I can't eat, I just cry. This AM when I woke up I couldn't stand it. I phoned my nurse manager and told her the entire story. She was very upset with me; I deserve that. But THANK GOD she did say she would talk to the doc. and do an X-ray to make sure. She did say that there was really no where the lap could have got off to since the first 2 counts were correct, but she was quite cold.
She just called me back and THANK THE LORD there was no laps inside. I am so glad and relieved because I was so worried about the poor pt. I could never live with myself if my lack of courage had caused her pain or worse. My nurse manager was still very cold to me, she proceeded to tell me that I would be written up and that the doc. on the case was furious with me. She said to expect that he might say something to me. I am so scared. I have never been written up in my life, and I feel so horrible and dirty. I thought I was a good nurse, and also a decent person, but now I feel like a nothing. I don't know if I can walk back into that unit again. How could I do something so horrible? I know that I did the right thing by calling my manager, but I sure don't feel like it. I did the right thing, but just too late. I hate myself right now. I am a Christian and I feel like I have high moral standards, I just don't see how I could have messed up this way. Is it hopeless, should I find another job? I am so afraid.
Thanks for reading this. I know it was long, I just had to tell somebody and I feel like I don't have anybody.
I could sense the agony you're feeling in what you wrote. You are human; we all are. I'm sure that while the NM and the MD were upset, they will in the end, respect you for having the courage to own up to admitting what happened. I'm sure, that they too, have made their own mistakes in the past. We all have. It is completely understandable to feel the way you feel but, you should really try to focus on the positive qualities that you must certainly have...you would not have earned their respect nor would pts have made positive comments about you if you did not have these qualities. Take care.
You have gotten such great advice from the above posters, there's not really much to add.
Just want to say, as bad as the situation seems now- a few weeks, months, years down the road, while you won't have forgotten what happened- you won't be experiencing the awful, sinking emotions that you are suffering from right now.
You should be proud for having the good sense to call your manager and let her know what happened...a lot of people wouldn't have done that. You made a mistake...could have been a big one, but thankfully, it wasn't. You learned from it and will probably never make the same mistake again. Hang in there...take your lumps and go on. I've had more than one doctor that was just ready to kill me over msitakes I have made, but it all blows over.
All I can say right now is thank you all so very much. I can't stop my tears as I am reading each of your responses. You've never even met me, yet you have helped me more that you will ever know. I have just felt so ashamed; I was almost too afraid to post this on the board because I was terrified of what everyone would think of me. I return to work tomorrow and I do feel a little stronger now thanks to all of you. Please keep me in your prayers as I face this challenge head on. I have asked my heavenly Father to forgive me; He is the only one who truly matters. Sometimes the hardest thing is forgiving ourselves I guess. Thank you all so much. I will treasure, and reread, each and every reply many times.
I think you ultimately did the right thing, and it sounds like you learned from this which is of utmost importance. That shows you have conscience as a nurse. Think of the big picture the next time you worry about inconveniencing anyone - what if that pt had to be opened up for another surgery to dig out that lap? Talk about inconvenient. Don't beat yourself up too much, sounds as though you have become a better nurse through this experience. Share that with other new nurses that come along. :wink2:
And by the way, I was curious where the tech/scrub was in this whole matter? Why did it sound like you had the sole responsibility of counting these laps from afar? How could anyone off the surgical field be able to distinguish how many laps are lumped together? I was a surg scrub for 9yrs and even on the field I had to physically move laps to be sure how many were wadded up together. Sorry, didn't mean to take the focus off the real matter at hand, but this did also nag at me because in the OR we are all a team working together to avoid this sort of thing.
Hey kiddo, you made a mistake - welcome to the real world. We all do it, but not all of us are responsible enough to speak up and admit those mistakes. You did that, that speaks volumes about you as a person and as a nurse.
It took a terrible mistake on my part to learn that no matter what the situation is, I can't let anyone intimidate me into making anything 'easier' on anyone else if it could possibly cause harm to my patient. You just learned that lesson, and in reality, no one was hurt - a little inconvienenced, but not hurt.
Hold your head high, look the doc, nurse manager and everyone else you work with in the eye. You're a good nurse, don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I remember the days I felt too intimidated to speak up. You are learning one of the hardest things about nursing.....how to communicate in any given circumstance with all manner of personalities. you will get better as time goes by....you have already passed a crucial test, you admitted you may have done something wrong and are now facing the consequences. You realize you wouldn't be in so much trouble if you had spoken up immediately. I just know you'll never wait again if you feel a mistake has been made, whether you or someone else is involved. This certainly does not make you a bad person or a bad nurse. On the contrary, you sound like a person with a genuine compassion for your patient's and a team player for helping your co-workers. keep ypur head up and just continue to be yourself. This too shall pass.
All I can say right now is thank you all so very much. I can't stop my tears as I am reading each of your responses. You've never even met me, yet you have helped me more that you will ever know. I have just felt so ashamed; I was almost too afraid to post this on the board because I was terrified of what everyone would think of me. I return to work tomorrow and I do feel a little stronger now thanks to all of you. Please keep me in your prayers as I face this challenge head on. I have asked my heavenly Father to forgive me; He is the only one who truly matters. Sometimes the hardest thing is forgiving ourselves I guess. Thank you all so much. I will treasure, and reread, each and every reply many times.
Heather, How was work? Waiting to see how it went for you, hoping you will be able to put this behind you quickly. You sound like an excellent nurse, just experiencing a nerve racking situation. Remember their is not a doctor or nurse who has not made a mistake. Good Luck!
Heather A. - first and foremost, you did the right thing and you can proceed with a clear conscience. I will be starting the Nursing program this Fall and I thank you for having the courage to share your story. While I was reading your post, I could imagine this happening to me because sometimes I also have a hard time speaking up. I know you have learned from this, but also know that I have too. I will be thinking of this post if I'm in a similar situation and it will give me the courage to speak up!
May God Bless you and keep your chin up. You sound like you are a terrific nurse :)
Hi everybody! Just wanted to let you all know that I am doing better. I went back to work on Saturday, and my very first day I ran right into the doc. involved in this situation. I could not wait to speak with him, I just had to apologize in person. As he started to leave the unit, I followed him and asked if I could speak to him privately. I admitted my mistake to him, apologized, and told him it would never happen again. He amazed me by saying he forgave me; he was so kind. He said he was very touched by my honesty and ability to come forward to my boss, and said I was the very kind of nurse he wanted to take care of his patients!! I couldn't believe it. He said he appreciated me apologizing to him in person and having the courage to approach him about it. Later that day, I had to go back to the OR to scrub in and assist with him on a C/S! He was so wonderful to me. I will always remember the way he handled this situation. My nurse manager has not mentioned it to me again; I still feel ashamed when I am around her, but I am holding my head high and just absolutely doing my very best as a nurse. Our God is so good; he is always there for us. I feel like he handled this entire situation for me and gave me peace. Once again, thanks so much to everyone who responded. Your help and support means so much. Thank you!
Thats awesome! That doctor must really like you & respect you & I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe he had a talk with your nurse manager & smoothed it over with her, especially if he gave you the praise he did.........kudos to you! See, the truth always sets one free! Besides...stop feeling bad..you are only human....don't beat yourself up over it...........everyone makes a mistake now & then..and whoever says they never have is full of poop......because even if they may not have yet.....it will happen eventually. Well you owned your mistake and all you can do is take it as a learning experience & move on...and you'll never do that again I can pretty much bet.....You are a fantastic nurse from what I have read .....now go on and relax...& put it behind you!
Lisky90
71 Posts
I could sense the agony you're feeling in what you wrote. You are human; we all are. I'm sure that while the NM and the MD were upset, they will in the end, respect you for having the courage to own up to admitting what happened. I'm sure, that they too, have made their own mistakes in the past. We all have. It is completely understandable to feel the way you feel but, you should really try to focus on the positive qualities that you must certainly have...you would not have earned their respect nor would pts have made positive comments about you if you did not have these qualities. Take care.