I Hate You, Heart Attack.....

Barely six weeks following the birth of our first child, my husband had a heart attack. It was completely unexpected and occurred just before he was due to go out to sea. It was a scary time and I wrote this not long afterwards. All the tips you ever receive on the how and why patients and families react in the face of trauma can in NO way prepare you simply because you are a nurse....

I Hate You, Heart Attack.....

I Hate You, Heart Attack...

I hate you, heart attack...

You robbed us of our lives together without either warning or reason..

Like a ferocious storm on a dead calm sea, you snuck in and overtook everything in your path, including the life we had before you..

I hate you , heart attack...

You took the man I used to know when you catapulted into our lives like some unstoppable treacherously dangerous blight that couldn't be quelled..You changed everything and everyone in your path....

Why? Why him and please God, why now?

This morning he saw his baby smile for the first time. I remember thinking at that moment all was supremely well with the world, with us....

Then I come home to a phone call instructing me to call the hospital...

"Maa'm, we regretfully inform you that your husband is having a heart attack."

I dropped the phone....The baby was in my other arm...I watched the phone slowly tumble to the floor and all its guts fall out..Along with my own..Or so it seemed...

I called my dad....I wanted my mom and dad...All I could do was cry.....I was already so tired....

I don't remember the ride to my parents...I do remember the call to my husband's parents....I made myself not cry....

Later my brother would tell me that he never wanted to ever hear me cry that way again....I didn't know he heard me over the phone...

My strong vital husband in the ICU, so small so suddenly....

Our baby down the hall with gramma....

I beg the nurse to bring the baby in....She says no and then mercifully changes her mind...I was going in anyway....

The ship's captain there, and the crew....This is not good...They are trying to be strong for me.....I know I have to be strong for them, but I am not feeling strong.....I am just so damn scared...

A nurse comes in and doesn't explain anything but she does say, "Well, I don't have to explain whats going on since you're a nurse."

I surprise myself by gathering enough strength to say loudly and passionately enough so that everyone knows, " I am SO not a nurse today!"

They explain everything they do after that....

My husband tells me not to cry....I can't help it.....

I bring our baby in for him to see...I make him touch her...She smiles her second smile for daddy.....

I want him to be strong for her...

I want him to be there for her.

I want him to be there for me...

Please God, don't let him die...

I can't do this all alone.....

I HATE you heart attack!

Later , after the hospital, we can't figure out what to say to each other.

We don't know how to act.

We are so confused that I finally break down and yell,

" I don't know how I am supposed to be"

I hate you heart attack...

You are worse than a thief...You raped our lives together....

I know I should be grateful but all I am is mad....

You horrible, disgusting heart attack..You left someone who used to rush home to pick me up to go and see a magnificent sunset...

Now, we don't rush anywhere...

Now, even though he doesn't say it, he is afraid....

I feel as though we are adrift in a stormy sea with no lifeboats...

We have to ride the storm, or perish....

How could you do such a vicious thing? And why?

We're drifting dangerously far apart and I don't know what to do about it.

Sometimes I feel as though we'll never get back ....

This man no longer wants me or talks with me and I can't fix it..

Me, the nurse who elicits conversation from everyone..

I can't fix it...

I'm so very sad....

Sometimes I just feel so defeated.

But, I won't let you win Heart attack...I won't...Because I won't let you take me too...And because I love him more than I hate you...

I miss my husband, my sweet, creative, proud, funny, sexy loving husband.

The one who sent me flowers for no reason and for every reason, who made me feel beautiful, wrote me love letters and touched me passionately and often..

I'm searching on the surface of a selfish thought but I can't help it because we had our baby and then we had you and now I'M the one with the broken heart......

Written 12/04/97 by Martha O'Brien

A footnote ... All is well now ....... Thanks for allowing me to share...

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mother/babyRN

About mother/babyRN, RN

Graduate of New England Deaconess School Of Nursing in Boston

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Oh my goodness. That was so sad and i am so happy that all is well. Last week a nurse who i adore...her son had a big MI and din't do well. I know that i saw so much pain in that nurse and his wife too was a nurse and couldn't do a damn thing.

I am so PISSED b/c this guy was 38, healthy, and had chest pain for a month and was given nexium. I am sick that a simple ekg or stress test would have made all the difference.

I am glad your story has a happy ending and you have your husband back.

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Specializes in cardiac, diabetes, OB/GYN.

Thankyou....He was 37 at the time......

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Specializes in Alzheimer's, Geriatrics, Chem. Dep..
Quote
Originally posted by mother/babyRN

a footnote...All is well now .......Thanks for allowing me to share...

Awesome. Writing really helps sometimes doesn't it? Glad all is well.

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Whoa, there is so much emotion flowing in your words. Thank you for sharing. I am so glad that all is well now.

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Your story really touched my heart. I am so Thankful that all is well. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

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Through your writing I can feel your pain. I am sorry you had to go through this and happy for you, hubby and daughter now that things are back on tract.

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Specializes in Med-Surg.

Thank you for sharing. That is gorgeous.

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Specializes in Nephrology, Cardiology, ER, ICU.

Thanks so much for sharing.

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Specializes in OB.

That was incredible! Thanks so much for sharing it! (But it should have come with a kleenex warning!) You have so much talent for expression!

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That was absolutely beautiful. Can I print that out for my mom? You have a true love that is found once in a lifetime. I honestly do NOT remember ever reading something so moving. Thank you so much for sharing that. It really has moved me. thank you again.

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Specializes in cardiac, diabetes, OB/GYN.

Everyone, I just wanted all to know that it was never my intention to make anyone cry, but I was also a former cardiac nurse and felt so helpless....When I dropped that phone I was acutely aware that it fell in slow motion, as though my mind just could not grasp it.....If this piece in any way connects with any of you or, even more importantly, a family member who has gone through similar feelings, I hope you can print this and help them...Please let me know if it in anyway helps someone through letting them own their feelings. Until this happened in our lives, although I had been in countless episodes where I thought I truly identified with families suffering similarly, I had absolutely no idea of the degree of helplessness....Thankyou for your kind, heartfelt comments, and I think I should NOT be sorry I made anyone cry because to know I was able to touch that part of us that is suffering, makes me feel very honored, indeed.....Thanks again, and always, for your continued comments....Martha

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