I am looking for advice or words of encouragement as my self esteem is in my toenail this morning. My husband and I have been married for ten years and have two little boys ages six and four. My husband has been unsupportive thru pre-req's well hell who am I kidding when I worked full time for many years with babies he was unsupportive then too and never even missed an hour of work when they were sick. So, anyway.....now nursing school starts this week and I'm scared to death about failing!!! I asked my husband to help out a little more while I do this and suggested laundry or picking up around the house and OMG....he went ballistic on me!!! I was in tears this morning talking to my mother about it and she made it clear that he would love to see me fail so he could throw that in my face too!! Obviously I do not plan to stay married to him and I am sure he feels the same way......this nursing program is accelerated and is only one year........please let me know if any of you think this seems too hard or if you have had similar experiences please let me know.....I just think he feels threatened by this....
I agree lovehospital. I think what really happens is that the process of making it through nursing school and then knowing afterward that he/she can support themselves and their family without their SO gives unhappy people the ability to leave a situation that he/she felt trapped in before. I know that there are people in my class that are already talking about leaving their SO.... Being a nurse opens many doors, some just aren't as expected as others I guess.
Specializes in Infusion Nursing, Home Health Infusion.
UnSupportive....I would say extremely selfish and immature. The truth here is that if he really cared about you and your children and your goals and dreams he would do whatever is in his power to help his family. He does not care and I think you know that in your heart. The fact that you did all the child care when your children were a bit younger and he was unsupportive then leads me to believe he will not change.Is he controlling with you?
I would every thing in my power to make certain I had a way to earn a good income. Nursing School can be challenging? How are your grades? Do you consider yourself a fast learner and a good student? Could you do this without staying married or will it be easier to ride it out and then leave? Either way...have a plan and stash away as much cash as you can in a secret way. hang in there your kids need you and you are being an awesome parent as you will be able to provide for them and be a happy mom as you will be doing something you will love!!!!
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. IMO, if your house is abuse-free and you feel your kids will be ok with it, I would just stay and focus on whats important... school and the kids. Don't worry so much about laundry and cleaning and all of that. Just do what you need to do to get everyone out the door in clean clothes. It doesn't have to be perfect. If he has issue, just ignore him.
I'm assuming that you've already had a heart to heart with him by the tone of your posts. Sometimes I think that people who care about us feel threatened when they shouldn't, and it just takes an honest talk to clear things up (which is tough some times with kids and jobs ect). But if you've had that talk and are certain its over, just put your blinders on. If you were getting your BSN from scratch I would suggest something different, but kids are resilient and you won't have time for much more than school and them for the next year anyways.
Put your plan in place, get your back up plans and support in place, and just try to keep it together until you get done. You'd be amazed, but life may actually be enjoyable once you realize that his wants/needs/rants/actions don't matter to you anymore. I know that was the case for me... seperating was just a technicality because I had emotionally divorced my ex in my mind months before it ever actually happened.
I hear you Heather, don't worry your husband is not the only one that acts like a jerk sometimes. When I told my hubby that I was quitting my full time job and going back to school he was ******! I have been attending school for two years and he has accepted it. The fact is that no matter what he says or does you have to follow through with your plans for your kids sake. I think you will do great in school and become a wonderful nurse. Keep your head up!
Specializes in LPN in the Navy, completed paramedic crs.
Heather, it sounds like you have made up your mind and don't plan on staying with him. If I were you, I would just have him move out now-he won't contribute much to your situation (as far as being a helpful partner) and may try to sabotage your efforts while in school.
I wish you the best of luck in school! You CAN do it without him!!
Heather, I am so sorry your husband is putting you through this emotional turmoil. He is acting like a selfish little baby, not a man....and yes, he sounds like a jerk.
IMO, I would say you have two options:
-Stay with him through school for the financial assistance and then divorce him.
OR
-Divorce him now and then apply for state assistance and return to school. As a single mom, you will be eligible for a lot of financial help.
Either way may be tough, but you can do it if you want to.
Personally, I don't think he is going to change once you finish school. He will just start throwing more pouty fits about your work. For example, he may complain when you are not home for dinner, when the laundry isn't done, when the kids are sick, that you have to work late or on a holiday......whatever opportunity he can find to put you down. Chances are, anything that happens to the kids will be blamed on you because, "You are always at work, blah, blah blah....".
He is a Father.....he is responsible for half of the parenting, but it sounds as though he is putting it all on you. So, why should he be around? He is making you feel awful and the way he is acting is a horrible role model for his boys.
He's trying to control your life. He is upset that YOU have made a decision to do something for yourself.
With a job comes money and with money comes independence and with independence comes POWER.
Ultimately, you have the choice....and he knows it!
I begin an 18 month accelerated program next week and have two very young daughters. Luckily, my husband is very supportive but has to work A LOT for us to be able to afford my venture. He is a correction's officer with a crazy shift so although he is supportive I feel very much like a single mother at times. Being that you may become a single mother yourself, Nursing School is the best thing you can do your yourself and your children. You will be able to provide for them and not have to rely on your husband to take care of you. Think of how great your self-esteem will be when you are making more than him in a career that you love! Just use his lack of support as motivation nd do what you have to in order to get through. It's only a year right? GOOD LUCK!!!
I start school this month and I am in the process of a divorce. Just before he moved out, home was very stressful. I stayed in my own room. He had another woman and I felt totally disrespected in my own home. I couldn't take it any longer and filed for a divorce and found a place for him to live. He thought that I was going to sit there and take it because I wasn't working but he is paying child and spousal support. In about 4 months I won't have enough money to pay the bills but I am praying something works out for me. I just need 14 months to complete school.
Now that he is gone my daughter says that she is less stressed. She is able to get her homework done without any arguments going on. She told me that she dispised coming home before. Now its just her and I. She is older (17 turning 18 this week) and in fact we sit down at the kitchen table together to complete our homework. If dinner is not ready so what fix a sandwich. We don't sweat the small stuff anymore.
So like others have said, ask yourself if it would be better for you and your kids if he stayed or if he left. If it was anything like mine he would have made life hell. If he does leave they have low income programs for your utilities. Food pantries, student loans (housing), friends, family, part-time jobs, cheap foods. Make it work and good luck to you whatever you decide.
I'm so sorry to read about your troubles. I tell you, if people really told you how challenging marriage truly is, nobody would get married. IMO, it is, by far, the most challening job you will ever have (being a spouse)--I even think it's more challenging than parenting. It requires you to give of yourself so completely. Do you think you could try counseling? At least you can say that you gave it a go. Sometimes, we need others to bring our shortfalls to our attention and then we are ready to change (this is what it may take for your husband?!). In any case, I'm so sorry. I really hope that your situation improves. ((HUGS))
You can do it. If you want this bad enough, nothing will get in your way. Like Randy Pausch said "Brick walls are for people who dont want it bad enough." Do not let him get in your way, it can be done with your families support.
Hey, i think that what your hubby is doing is totally wrong and he is being stupid. The best way for you to SHOW HIM is to kick ass in nursing school and become the best nurse out there!!!!! It's going to be hard with kids, but if you set your mind to it, you'll be able to accomplish it!!!! Good luck with everything!!!!!!!
Cherry2000
149 Posts
I agree lovehospital. I think what really happens is that the process of making it through nursing school and then knowing afterward that he/she can support themselves and their family without their SO gives unhappy people the ability to leave a situation that he/she felt trapped in before. I know that there are people in my class that are already talking about leaving their SO.... Being a nurse opens many doors, some just aren't as expected as others I guess.