How To Spot a Workplace Bully, Part Three

rn/writer, RN

Dealing with a bully is a challenge for members of both sexes, but women are especially bad at it. In an article in the New York Times, Mickey Meece says male bullies outnumber females sixty percent to forty percent. But when it comes to their victims the bullying womenm "prefer their own kind, choosing other women as targets more than seventy percent of the time."

The reasons for this are both logistical (women have more female co-workers and subordinates) and gender-related (women tend to be easier victims--they are often less skilled at identifying an attack, less confrontational overall, more likely to doubt themselves, and more willing to compromise in the name of reaching a resolution). Women want to reach out to other people, be team players, and find connection. Such approaches can work wonders in disputes with reasonable bosses and co-workers, but they're blood in the water to a bully.

If women have a tough time coming to grips with workplace bullying, they have an even tougher time getting others to take the issue seriously. Normal people (especially other women) don't want to acknowledge that this kind of twisted behavior actually exists. It's easier (and less unsettling) to pin the problems on personality differences or blame the target for having a problem with authority (even if that's never been an issue before). Those who don't understand what they're really looking at might recommend meeting with the offending supervisor or coworker one-on-one to clear the air or encourage the complainer to simply rise above the whole thing and be the bigger person. When a bully is involved, such assessments are inaccurate, and the advice is unwise, ineffective and possibly even dangerous. We wouldn't make these same suggestions to victims of domestic violence, would we?

Being targeted by a bully who is friendly with management is similar to the situation of a woman being battered by a police officer husband. When she's had enough and she finally calls 911, how quick do you think her husband's brother officers will be to see her side of the equation?

Then there is the other end of the stick--management that fears the bully as much as the target does. Whether it's anxiety over the bully turning her sights on them personally or worries about being able to build a case for the bully's termination or even just the trepidation of finding a suitable replacement, supervisors may know the score but chose the path of least resistance by relocating the target to a different shift, department or facility. In a worst case scenario, the target is fired, leaving the bbullying boss or co-worker to operate with impunity. Can you say, "Punishing the victim."? No one is indispensable, but generally, the higher up the food chain the bully is and the greater their participation in committees and other activities, the safer they are to continue practicing their violence.

That's what workplace bullying is, after all--a form of psychological violence that leaves its target stunned and wounded. And just like a skillful physical assailant, a bully often knows how to land blows that don't readily show, especially if those who might be able to stop it don't know what to look for.

Part of the difficulty with making a bullying complaint stick is that the pieces of the puzzle seem innocuous or even petty when looked at individually.

HR Person

Quote
"Your charge nurse gave you the hardest assignment on the floor all last week? Are you kidding me? There's always a 'worst assignment,' and someone has to take it. Besides, maybe that just means she thinks you're a good nurse, and you can handle the challenge."

It's only when the fragments are assembled into a whole that the real picture emerges.

HR Person

Quote
What you've written here is that when Bonnie has been charge nurse on your shifts, she's given you the highest acuity assignment by at least five points approximately 75 % of the time for the last six months; she has repeatedly skipped the mandating roster and made you stay late even though others were ahead of you on the list; she has let other people go to lunch and take breaks whenever they requested, but frequently turned you down, even after you've told her that you only have a brief window to get yours in; she has floated you when it wasn't your turn unless it was a more favorable float and then she kept you when it was your turn to go; she regularly checks your charting for grammar and spelling errors and at least three times has told doctors you've paged that no one called them; she has spread rumors about your marriage and your kids to other people who have come to you to let you know what she's saying; and a co-worker said that Bonnie told her to give you a couple of low scores on your peer review.

Target

Quote
That's right. I spoke with Trish, our manager, but she and Bonnie are close friends, and she just chalked it up to me blowing things out of proportion. She said, "You're not going to be best buddies with everyone you work with," and told me that all this score-keeping was childish and even a little paranoid.

Another hurdle in being believed is that a frequently-used assessment tool for the existence and severity of bullying is the damage it does to its victims. Observers don't see the bow or the arrows, and they certainly don't see the archer for the bully he or she has become. The only evidence that shows are the holes in the target. What this amounts to is that the victim has to try to prove her case by displaying her wounds.

HR Person

Quote
How has Bonnie's behavior affected you?

Target

Quote
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping for about four months now. I get migraine headaches a couple of times a week. Twice they were so bad I had to call in. Bonnie really gave me a hard time after that. I've lost almost twenty pounds because my stomach hurts most days. I used to love coming to work, but now I'm miserable. I'm on an anti-depressant and I have to take antacids before and during my shift. And even though my marriage was just fine before Bonnie started rumors about it, the stress she's causing is getting to both me and my husband. My kids are feeling it, too. I haven't felt like myself for a long, long time. This just isn't right."

It isn't right.

Workplace bullying is a pattern of crazy-making behaviors and threats designed to undermine a co-worker's or a subordinate's professional and/or personal life to such an extent that their confidence, their sense of safety, and their health are compromised. It has nothing to do with problem-solving, conflict-resolution, or appropriate workplace discipline and everything to do with a toxic person attacking others to protect herself at their expense.

Resources

Workplace Bullying Institute

The Silent Epidemic: Workplace Bullying

New Laws Target Workplace Bullying

kickbully.com

Why Do Women Bully Women in the Workplace? They're Easier Targets.

Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work

Women Bullies Often Target Other Women