How do I emotionally survive caring for a pedophile?

pinkemme · Jun 7, 2009

Seek therapy. These feelings will continue to haunt you unitl you deal with them head on. Know that there is relief from these horrible feelings, and at some point even a sense of freedom, but not until you do the inside work.

Trust me.

CRNA2007 · Jun 7, 2009

Perhaps you can ask for a different assignment so as not to do deal with this type of situation.

I came to work today, and a new patient was added into the mix. A male, sick in prision, serving time as a pedafpile. I was raised in a very abusive home. I figured someday, I might have to deal with a situation like this. I defienetly had issues when I saw this man. I felt an immediate dislike, more like a repulsion. I did manage to do my job, and do the things I needed to do.
But there are many memories, and much pain dredged up today. On my drive home, I was moved to tears. I don't hate this man, but I hate what he did. I also hate what was done to me as a child. How do I get past this? This person will be in my care for some time to come. I work nights, so switching out patients isn't an option.
I thought I had dealt with my past, that my abuser doesn't rule my future. But, it did today. Does anyone have any experience with this?

cursedandblessed · Jun 7, 2009

i'm sorry for your past and i'm sorry that at some time we all have to deal with people like this. people that bring up bad memories of our past, or people who it's just almost too hard bring yourself to speak to, let alone care for.

one of our instructors brought up a situation she had been in, where a 9 month old baby girl had been brought into the er, with her suspected sexual abuser accompanying her. the difficulty she described at having to speak to this man was unfathomable to me. she said sometimes all we can do is the best we can do, and that to make the effort to deal with our own feelings and attempt to put them aside when there isn't anyone else to transfer the care to.

i don't think anyone can know how they would react if faced with this situation, until it actually happens.

island40 · Jun 7, 2009

I have to assess them, I don't have to smile at them or make small talk. I have to provide pain medication and ordered therapies I do not have to entertain them. My profession has come a long way since the days of fluffing pillows and back rubs. The same way a lawyer can defend him in court because of a belief in our judicial system; I can do my job. Maybe this will help you in the long run but I would encourage talking with a therapist/counselor/clergy....

Lisa From Maui · Jun 7, 2009

Dear Tiroka: Sounds to me like the only person who can really help you is someone who deals with this everyday. Other people who post replies on this forum are trying to help, but I don't think they're gonna give you real solutions that work. My suggestion... find a therapist or counselor who specializes in helping victims of molestation. He or she will give you real solutions that really work. Hope you find peace.

catshowlady · Jun 7, 2009

Agree w/ above posters that you might seek counseling or therapy. Does your facility have an Employee Assisstance Program that could help you?

DLS_PMHNP, MSN, RN, NP · Jun 7, 2009

. I dont think it would be in anyone's best interest for the two of you to mix. Ask for a different pt assignment. I was a victim of abuse as well and honestly I dont think I could have any compassion for such a person...which is why they would need a differernt nurse.

100% agree with this post. I was also abused (for over 7 years). I would ask for a different assignment, it would be way to personal for me. I would not be able to demonstrate compassion and remain non-judgmental. NO way!

All the best to you- from one survivor to another,

Diane

pagandeva2000, LPN · Jun 7, 2009

I am sure this was a trying experience for you to split your personal feelings from this patient who reminds you of a horrible childhood experience. As mentioned earlier, it does set you apart when you can still treat such a person as a human being.

One of the things my friend who works in corrections told me is that she NEVER wants to know their crimes because she doesn't want it to affect her treatment of a person. It is easier said than done, she says because many times, she gets the gossip on a person because of the guards who are constantly present, but she started asking them not to speak about this patient too much to her (unless they suspect that he may do immediate harm to herself or others) for this very reason.

I am sorry about your childhood and I send positive thoughts your way for healing. ((Hugs)).

pawsomepooch47 · Jun 8, 2009

I've often thought about how many pedophiles I've probably taken care of and never know it--because there are plenty of them who haven't been caught yet.

nerdtonurse?, BSN, RN · Jun 8, 2009

I had a pt, alzheimers, dementia, pleasantly confused. Needed surgery (chole, I think) -- I mean, it wasn't like he needed a CABG or immediate pacemaker. So, I start calling the family to get permission for the surgery.

Turns out this guy had molested all 4 of his children(were now adults, in their 30's and 40's), and I got an earful from each child I called. It covered, physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse. None of the kids would sign for the surgery, and each expressed the hope that the parent would die. I strongly suggested to each adult that they file a legal complaint, but like one daughter said, "and then what? The nursing home puts him in a cab and sends him to my house, so he can get after my daughters?! No way." It was a mess, and we had to get the court to authorize treatment. Our legal department also assessed the whole "do we report 25 year old illegal activity that the victims state they won't confirm?"

The problem was, now the sweet pleasantly demented patient that I had before the phone calls was now the Josef Mengele of parenthood. I talked to my charge nurse, and swapped assignments with another nurse -- who was told the family wasn't on speaking terms, but not why. The patient got good care, and I didn't have to deal with the urge to go in and beat the guy to death for what the kids had told me about (one daughter was so torn up by sexual assaults she couldn't have children).

If I hadn't been able to switch, I would probably have only went in the room with another nurse or CNA-- as a calming influence on me, to keep me from going in and screaming, "Baby raper!" The guy stage 3 alzheimers, and probably literally didn't remember what he did.

But you can also bet we called the pt's facility, and told their charge nurse that while we couldn't go into specifics, that after speaking with the family of Mr. X, that we would never, EVER, leave him in a room alone with a child -- and that we moved him to a "single" at the hospital, just to prevent any flashbacks to his prior behaviors, because his roommates little grandkids came every day.

ToxicShock · Jun 8, 2009

I'm not a nurse yet, so I'm not familiar with the laws and rules regarding the profession. But how do you know he's a pedophile? Did he tell someone? Did a police officer tell you?

I, personally, would talk to him about it. I'd like to know if he has regrets, how he feels about his incarceration, how he feels about what he did to the child, etc. If I was in your position, I think that in a weird way, it might help me get closure by confronting someone similar to the person from my past. His answers could also surprise you, and make you feel more compassionate toward him. I know that no one wants to think anything positive for a pedophile, but in this line of work, I think you have to find good in people to a certain extent. If you can't, the patient isn't going to get the care that they need and deserve, and that would be lose/lose for everyone.

If, however, this is inappropriate for your profession or if you feel completely opposed to doing such a thing, see if you can get someone else to take care of him while you're on duty. Maybe swap patients with another nurse. Talk to your nurse manager about it and see what their advice is for this situation. If you're too emotionally disturbed by the whole thing, it would be inappropriate and cruel for you to juts "stick it out".

tiroka03, LPN · Jun 8, 2009

Thanks everyone. What a lot of insight and compassion. You all make very good points, and I am going to have to "sit and have myslef a think" on all you have written. I started by journelling just to get my feelings down on paper. That went extremely well. Tonight I am going to have a talk with a very wise and dear friend whom I know I can trust with my feelings. We have an employee assistance line, and I think I will call that too, good idea.

While this is far from pleasant for me, I know I can control my actions when with this man. I will give the same good care to him, I give to others. However, I realize in anyother profession, people don't feel the need to find emotional attachments, so I will do what my job requires, nothing more. I will however use this time to reflect on what my experience as first a victim and then a survivor has taught me. It may be there is more healing to be had, and I needed to revisit this thing inorder to grow stronger.