How do you deal.....Anger and death

CHATSDALE · Feb 8, 2008

there is life and there is death

sometimes there is no reason why, some thing have to be accepted

i know that this is not much of an answer but you know that your cat was in a good loving home and she enjoyed her life with you even if it was much too short

when you are ready to, you and your mom can pick out a cat who needs you and will fill out the kitty shaped void in your heart

as you get into nursing you will realize that death is not the enemy but rather that pain and the lack of quality of life is the mountain

sometimes you return a patient to health living and sometimes they slip away but they always deserve good compassionate nursing care

if you can give them that you will have done your job

MedicalLPN, LPN · Feb 8, 2008

Everyone is different on how they deal with death. With me, I know that death is not a punishment, it's a release for whomever experiences it, it's the next journey after life. With death, no one can control it whether you're a nurse, a doctor, or the President. I think with most of us we go into nursing with an almost "I'm going to help everyone and save the world" type of attitude which isn't bad or stupid it's just that in reality you can't save everyone and sometimes people are just beyond your help.

A wise instructor told me once that one third of your patients will get better one third will stay about the same and one third will get worse no matter what you do. I'm sorry if this isn't much help and I'm sorry for your loss, losing a pet is like losing a member of the family.

leslie :-D · Feb 8, 2008

there is life and there is death
sometimes there is no reason why, some thing have to be accepted
i know that this is not much of an answer but you know that your cat was in a good loving home and she enjoyed her life with you even if it was much too short
when you are ready to, you and your mom can pick out a cat who needs you and will fill out the kitty shaped void in your heart
as you get into nursing you will realize that death is not the enemy but rather that pain and the lack of quality of life is the mountain
sometimes you return a patient to health living and sometimes they slip away but they always deserve good compassionate nursing care
if you can give them that you will have done your job

i'm sorry about the loss of your cat...

at such a young age, too.

whether it is man or furrier creature, we feel cheated out of a long and natural life.

as for your perceptions of what nurses do?

we are not here to save lives.

leave that for the docs, and if it's His will, God's.

we are here to enhance the quality of one's life, and death.

chatsdale's post really says it all.

know that your sick, little pet was in the embraces of you and your family.

you allowed him to die in dignity and comfort.

a nurse couldn't ask for anything more.

with peace,

leslie

GrumpyRN63, ADN, RN · Feb 8, 2008

Anger can be completely normal reaction to losing a beloved one human or otherwise, life is unfair sometimes we can't find a rationale for what happens -- but as nurses we like to control and fix things, and understand why-- X caused Y and led to Z but life isn't that reasonable, random things happen. A religious person may feel everything happens for a reason, or it's G-d's will. Others don't agree, become angry at the unfairness of it all. Did the 4 yr old die in a tragic event because it was G-d's will? I think not,I believe G-d is loving, kind, but doesn't control everything, man has responsibility also. The car that lost it's brakes and hit the car in front of it, killing the 4 yr old--- G-d's will? no bad brakes, yes. maybe bad mechanic, faulty parts, negligent car maintenance, yes. Not G-d's will. I do think it's unfair, tragic.. some things are just cause and effect.

A child or cat w/ lymphoma, random, no one's fault,very hard to accept since there seems to be no cause, no reason, we can't make sense of it. There comes a point where the anger will subside, acceptance will take hold. The only thing I can take from these 'random acts of tragedy' is an appreciation and gratefulness for the day-- today, because it can be gone or changed forever tomorrow.

It may never make sense, but it shapes the person that we are, how we see the world, treat others, and we can choose to be bitter for what we lost, or grateful for what we had.

I wish you the best in processing your grief perhaps you can find some online grief support for pet owners I'm sure there are lots of resources, I believe where I live they have one with regular meetings, best wishes

ohmeowzer RN, RN · Feb 8, 2008

i am so sorry to hear about your kitty. i have 2 kitties .. kizzy is 14 almost 15 years old and showing signs of old age and lydia is 9 years old . i have had them both since they were 4 weeks old.i understand your grief and sadness. you did all you could do to help your kitty and i am sure she felt loved at the end and during her illness. sometimes like people animals get sick.. many people who don't smoke get lung cancer. i believe you will be reunited with your angel kitty someday. sometimes situations are beyond our control. your kitty did pass away with dignity , my prayers are with you and your family and your beloved kitty.

MIA-RN · Feb 8, 2008

I lost my cat to lymphoma when I was in nursing school and then my dog died suddenly of a ruptured spleen a couple months after. To say I was devastated was an understatement.

I feel your pain.

Anger is so completely normal. Have you read anything by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross? Anger is a normal stage of dealing with death.

Some of your frustration might stem from the fact that animals can't talk and they can't share their thoughts with you.

People can.

When I have taken care of dying patients, I was very focused on their feelings, their comfort. I could ask them if they needed anything, and for the most part they answered. When they could no longer answer, I had the comfort of standing orders to continue to treat them.

When my animals were dying, I was very focused on my own feelings, because I couldn't two-way communicate...yes I made them both comfortable right up thru their deaths but I could never be SURE. That made me angry and upset. And as an almost-nurse I felt helpless because I could not do any more, and I could not explain to my beloved pets what was happening to them.

People choose hospice.

We have to make choices for our pets.

Its not fair.

The fact that you are upset over the loss of a pet shows what a caring and compassionate nurse you will become, because the anger is at least in part a reaction to the feeling that you need to help the animal.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings, and you will begin to heal. If you find that you (or any of your family) can't seem to get past this grief, then talk to your vet. There are support groups to help people cope with the loss of a pet.

((hugs))

Simba&NalasMom, LPN · Feb 8, 2008

First, HUGE HUGS to you, Epona. I really do feel your pain. I lost a husband five years ago and we had adopted twin cats a couple years before that. We named them Simba and Nala (hence my screen name here).

Nala was diagnosed with diabetes around a year ago at the relatively young age of 7. I tried for a whole year to treat her, but it was so hard to do an accurate glucose curve on her because being stuck for the blood stressed her to the point where the readings were probably not too accurate. I, too, coped by taking a clinical attitude (very common coping skill for people in the profession). One year, thousands of dollars, and countless Lantus shots later, she finally went into ketoacidosis and was admitted to kitty ICU. She spent the weekend under sedation and I brought her to my regular vet the following Monday morning and had her put down. It was such a heart-wrenching decision to make, especially because the bond I had with her was also tied into the bond I had with my late husband (he was only 45 when he was taken by a heart attack). She was mommy's girl and it was so hard to let go. I still think about her every day.

Sweetie, it's never easy to lose anybody to death, but with pets I think it's especially tough for people like you and me because we really do see them as our kids. We are responsible for their well-being and even if we give them the best of care sometimes they still get sick and die, and we're left asking "Could anything have been done differently?" It's not right and it's not fair and your feelings of anger are so valid. They did not do anything to deserve getting sick and it's frustrating not knowing why it had to happen.

I don't have the answers for you, but my heart does go out to you. Hang in there. You already are making a difference in so many lives, even if it's hard to see it now.:icon_hug:

hikernurse · Feb 8, 2008

Epona, I'm sooo sorry. Losing someone you love is very hard.

The best advice I got after I had a miscarriage from a very wanted pregnancy, was to accept whatever feelings I was having and go with it--if I was sad, then stop what I was doing and cry. If I were feeling angry, then go running or do something physical to release some of the emotion. Even screaming, if that helped. He said it was important to name the emotion and not to ignore it and that was the only way to heal. He also said I would go back and forth with emotions and that was normal.

The sorrow and anger you're feeling with this loss is compounded by the other losses you've had.

I hope you have people in your life who understand and love you and can help you get through this. But, feel free to come here for support whenever you need :icon_hug:

Altra, BSN, RN · Feb 8, 2008

My condolences, Epona.

I too lost my precious cat during nursing school. I also lost a very close and dear relative unexpectedly on my first day working as a nurse. That "anniversary" unfortunately permanently links those two life-changing events in my mind.

You are in the early stages of grief and your anger is completely understandable. Please allow yourself time to grieve.

As far as your instructor's comment ... please understand that when people ask "why" they are not always asking for an answer from you personally. It is not up to you, or to me, or to anyone, to explain the unexplainable. Working with grieving families does not equal providing "answers". Any death can be explained in physical terms -- you could go on in great detail explaining sepsis and the nitty gritty of multiple organ failure. But those we love are more than the sum of their "parts". A wise friend once told me, "your head comes to accept that they're gone. But your heart never learns this. And that's why they live on in your heart."

Wishing you peace.

Epona · Feb 8, 2008

Wow. I don't know where to begin or how to thank each of you. I have learned so much from this post and that my allnurses.com friends are such wonderful people. :loveya:I will be honored to one day call myself a nurse along with each of you. Thank you so much for all the support. This post has helped me more then anything. Thank you again and my God bless you. Epona :nurse:

BlueRidgeHomeRN · Feb 8, 2008

epona-

if you can handle one more, let me add my hugs on the loss of your kitty. lost ours in the fall, but that's not really the point.

death and greiving hits us all differently at different times. i am an old hospice nurse, and got into hospice after losing both of my parents within two years..both without warning. i set up my mom's care in a snf after her massive cva--she was comfort care only. i worked nights, drove 100 miles one way 2-4 times a week to check on her, had young kidsat home--and did fine with it all (well, the quart of vodka the day of the funeral should have been a big :redlight:)

18 months later, dad died..as dpoa, set up funeral, handled siblings. etc..and was just fine again (do you see a trend?)

our dog had to be put down 2 years later--and i fell apart..sobbing, insomnia, drinking too much, gained 30 lbs. i wasn't just greiving for the dog, but overdue for both parents. you can only be in control and cope oh-so-very well for so long. i had a friend fall apart over a dead bird her cat brought to her--anything can be the final straw.

add to that nursing school stress and coming to grips with all the patients you won't be able to save..no wonder this hit you so hard. take time to grieve, cry, and let those who love you love and hug you. you can't care for others without caring for yourself.

be kind to yourself, and face life with open hands. best of luck.