How to cope with shame?

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I am in 5 year contract following suicide attempt at work. Part of the requirement is weekly peer support groups. I know participating in a positive manner is important to getting my license activated, but I honestly just feel really ashamed to talk about my personal struggles. It's a bit different I guess than if we chose to share and attend vs being mandated to go and be positive LOL. I am also in an IOP program, which has been really helpful and I share a lot there. It's just when I remember the BON program I get very sad, like I cry before each peer support meeting. I think about how everyone knows now about my depression and it makes me feel exposed.

However, the rest of the week I feel a lot lighter and like I'm getting better. 

Everyone is very nice but my mind goes blank every time I am asked to speak. I want to make good impression for sake of my license. Just wanted to know if any of this is relatable

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I hate the peer support group I have to attend.  It's anything but therapeutic.  I don't talk about difficult issues. I go because it's required  I am polite and respectful and talk about stuff that isn't personal.  No need to be embarrassed  but I wouldn't share too much.  Do you have to go for all 5 years? 

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Specializes in Research & Critical Care.

I was so ashamed and afraid of judgment in the beginning but the longer I've been in recovery the more I've come to realize it was all in my head. I've found almost everyone has been supportive. Of course, support groups vary. I have a good one with people that I feel comfortable with. The first couple of months felt very weird but after a while, I came to realize everyone was there for their own issues and no one was judging mine so I felt I could open up. At this point, I'm proud of how far I've come and I don't really have any sense of shame. It's just another thing that made me who I am today.

Don't focus so much on making a good impression for your license. Focus on bettering yourself and the rest will come. You're on the right path. Best of luck!

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Be nice and do what helps you and your health.  Time helps in this regard, it's difficult to just fast forward things and be comfortable with it.

But I agree, the monitoring agency mandating things every week and every month is ridiculous- a lot of it is not helpful.  We are doing things just because we are told to.  

They all have to keep their little cash circle going.  

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Healer555 said:

I hate the peer support group I have to attend.  It's anything but therapeutic.  I don't talk about difficult issues. I go because it's required  I am polite and respectful and talk about stuff that isn't personal.  No need to be embarrassed  but I wouldn't share too much.  Do you have to go for all 5 years? 

I am at the starting line now. I figured it will take me a while to get used to it. Thankfully the others in group are very chatty so time passes quickly. I just know I can come across as kind of cold, but it's awkward LOL. I do try to give advice when I can and someone is asking for help. 

MaxAttack said:

I was so ashamed and afraid of judgment in the beginning but the longer I've been in recovery the more I've come to realize it was all in my head. I've found almost everyone has been supportive. Of course, support groups vary. I have a good one with people that I feel comfortable with. The first couple of months felt very weird but after a while, I came to realize everyone was there for their own issues and no one was judging mine so I felt I could open up. At this point, I'm proud of how far I've come and I don't really have any sense of shame. It's just another thing that made me who I am today.

Don't focus so much on making a good impression for your license. Focus on bettering yourself and the rest will come. You're on the right path. Best of luck!

I love this for you! I don't know you but I'm proud of you too! There are people in my group who really find it therapeutic. I love when they share as it makes the whole experience seem more meaningful. Thank you for the well wishes!!

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Hi Sam,

I don't have anything to add, but wanted to say congratulations for all the hard work you are doing to help yourself -- I'm sure it isn't easy so I hope you are proud of where you have gotten today and excited about where you are going in the future.  All the best!  

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NoScrub said:

Hi Sam,

I don't have anything to add, but wanted to say congratulations for all the hard work you are doing to help yourself -- I'm sure it isn't easy so I hope you are proud of where you have gotten today and excited about where you are going in the future.  All the best!  

Thank you so much! This comment made my day!!

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Specializes in Private Practice/Family Healthcare.

I will give you the brutal truth as I know it.  A dear friend went through part of the program, and did wonderful, but even though he didn't fail any part of it, or miss any deadline, he got tired of the hoops and how invasive the Board became in his life.  All his spirit, color, and personality came back to him when he Voluntarily Surrendered his license and began again.

 

Yes, he completely started over;  He lost a few "Thangs.”  But his dignity soon returned.  First he worked stocking shelves, but he got a Water Treatment Job soon after.  They paid him through Engineering School to give 4 years back.  Now he has a Doctorate Degree and not one penny of debt.

 

I will tell you, Nurses are naturally successful people.  Think about it, the unsuccessful one never made it through school.  You can do anything your heart desires.  This isn't forced upon you, and leaving isn't "quitting.”  Giving yourself an out may just be what you need.

But walking through that door, or jumping the next hoop feels a lot lighter if you feel you chose to do it, and are not "forced to.”

Here's the Meat.  A wisdom I learned.  "Perspective" drove you to the point where you tried to take your life.  The same brain can form a perspective of Gratitude, Joy, and Achievement because I know you are capable of great things!  Look in the mirror, and confidently tell yourself all the things you have achieved.  It's cathartic.  If you choke up, if you lose confidence, walk away, go back, do it again until you and that person in the mirror believe it.

Then go back and tell that person your dreams and hopes, and that you believe they can do it too.  Because look what you have gotten through, there's nothing you can't get through now.

This is brutal honesty and hard fought wisdom.  You are the hero you are waiting for, and you got to surrender to that.  When you are going through Hell, Keep Going.  Don't stop here. 
 

Sending a Mountain of Faith, Hope, and Love, but you don't need a drop of it, because you already have all you need behind the eyes you are reading with now, and enough left to change others' lives.

That's right, not just to find success and renewal in yourself, but to lift others with you.  I wouldn't say these things, or tell these priceless secrets to you if they weren't true.  Shame is for those who hurt others, Love and Grace are for those that are hurting.

This sick world needs you toooooo much, so while you are doing this exercise I pray you do, reach over and flush that shame, disappointment, and discouragement down that toilet!  Really, flush that THANG!  Because these horrible things are BEHIND you now.

It's time to Heal, It's time to really live.  It's time to take a deep breath.  I forgot to tell you that you are a Survivor.  So I had to come back for that.  Please, Stay with us and keep coming back.  Great family here.

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Specializes in nursing ethics.

I am shy talking about my deeper feelings also, mainly in front of strangers. Most people say they understand to be nice, but do not. So stay silent if you want to.  People will remember what you say and you cannot take it back.  Is there someone that you trust, totally?  outside of your network of associates, peers, doctors?  I recommend keeping your condition and comments extremely private. Some folks love to talk about themselves...let them and don't feel obligated.

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MarkMyWords said:

I am shy talking about my deeper feelings also, mainly in front of strangers. Most people say they understand to be nice, but do not. So stay silent if you want to.  People will remember what you say and you cannot take it back.  Is there someone that you trust, totally?  outside of your network of associates, peers, doctors?  I recommend keeping your condition and comments extremely private. Some folks love to talk about themselves...let them and don't feel obligated.

Oh yeah, I have a great support system and I'm doing this IOP program. I have a therapist as well. I don't feel good when I talk to them. I just wanted to say something in peer support because of the program stipulation that you have to participate positively (as one of the conditions for re-activating my license and going back to work). 

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Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
Sam_0896 said:

 I think about how everyone knows now about my depression and it makes me feel exposed.

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I think you would be suprised by how many nurses suffer from depression so be gentle with yourself. Also remember the saying "We are only as sick as our secrets." If you attempted suicide due to dealing with a chronic medical problem like Heart disease of Diabetes You wouldn't think twice about sharing your struggle. Plus Support group doesn't expect you to be positive. Support group is to provide support in your struggle.

Hppy

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There are a lot of people out there who are just glad that you are alive, and they don't think anything bad about you. Everyone has something they struggle with- depression, eating too much, drinking too much, working too much, exercising too much, etc. You have no reason to be embarrassed. Depression sucks. It's hard work being depressed and not knowing what to do about it. Sometimes it just takes time and then things change. Sometimes medications help and sometimes they don't. Take care of yourself the best way you can and don't worry about what other people think because people are just people, they come and go out of your life, and you wouldn't even remember a lot of them 10 years from now. If someone wants to think something bad about you- *** them. Who cares what they think? People think a lot of stupid things and it doesn't matter because they think one thing one minute and another thing another minute and they don't know anything about what they think anyways. People are fickle and you can't live your life worrying about what they think because most of them are complete idiots anyways. Eventually when you get my age- they start to die off and then it really doesn't matter what they thought or didn't think. You live for you. You learn what makes you happy and you do that. If you have to go to this support group, then go. It might get better with time. It wouldn't be forever. If there is anything you can learn from it or any support that you can get to help you- grab it. If you can help someone else- help them. Life is strange-sometimes we think that we are put somewhere for one reason, and we find we were put there for an entirely different reason. It might be that you are put in that support group because you are going to say something that someone in the group really needs to hear, or you are going to meet your best friend for the next 40 years or it may just be a dud but it better than staying home and watching reruns of 90 day Finance so just go and make the best out of it. It wouldn't last forever. Times goes so fast. 

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