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Hello Everyone:

I've been lurking here for a month or two and I wanted to thank this forum's regulars for the hope, encouragement, education, and even laughs I've gotten from your experiences. :heartbeat As briefly as I can, I'll share my own:

In late September, I was confronted after work ("caught," we'll just call it) after 7-8 months of diverting morphine for my own use. I used it IM both at work and at home. I detoxed at home and now I'm wrapping up my outpatient treatment. I'm looking at meeting with my state's BON and going in to establish my Back to Work Agreement with my employer both in the next week.

As almost everyone here as shared, I'm terrified of going back to work. It's not the urge to use that I'm afraid of (I'll be restricted for 6 months); I'm afraid and ashamed to face my co-workers. Though few may know the details, I'm certain everyone now has at least an idea of what's going on. But this fear and shame is relieved a little by my being extremely grateful: :bowingpur grateful for my employer's generosity and the BON's. Since I was only diverting for my own use, I've been given a second chance, contingent on completing the EAP-recommended treatment, and I've entered my state BON's monitoring program, though the details on both are yet to be finalized. I'm also thankful my husband has accepted what's happened and been encouraging.

The shame of what I did, the recklessness of working impaired, the theft, everything I put at risk with regard to our future career and life plans, it's all overwhelming. I know I'm early in the program, but (for now, at least) I've been able to squash thoughts of relapse by considering my blessings and the abyss I stood at for a few days there. I didn't know if I'd face legal charges, total loss of my license, my husband's disappointment and abandonment of me, etc.

This sounds incredibly weak, but when I was using/diverting, I wanted to stop SOOO many times. Though I'd learned about addiction in nursing school and theoretically understood the compulsion to use despite the risk--or certainty--of adverse consequences, it was all theory until I was the addict, wanting each shift to stop, or at least use "just enough to not get sick." When I'd get home after a shift, I'd be wracked with guilt, and every time the phone rang, I knew that was it. THE call. Someone had found out (I wasn't very smart about how I went about it). As it happened, it was discovered through a fluke. But though I was terrified when my nursing supervisor pulled me aside and asked me about it, I made no excuses or denials, and even though I went home that night scared to death of the consequences that awaited me, I was overwhelmingly relieved. I no longer had to use, to worry all the way home and be unable to sleep at night when I got there.

I'll wrap this up. I just wanted to share my story and thank everyone for the wisdom and knowledge I'm gleaning from your stories. Best wishes to everyone with their various situations. I'm looking forward to sharing my experiences (good and bad) in a true community.

Good Night :redbeathe

Suzanne:hrnsmlys:

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Specializes in Medical and general practice now LTC.

Hi and welcome to the site

Thanks for posting your story, just take one day at a time and glad you are doing well at the moment and have the support of the ones that matter

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Specializes in Telemetry/Med Surg.

Hi Suzanne. Thanks for sharing your story. Welcome!!

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Specializes in ER.

Suzanne,

Welcome and hugs to you for stepping into this forum and sharing your story. Reading your post I felt like I was reading about myself. I used for the same amt of time, IV'd morphine/dilaudid, used at work, eventually wanted to stop over and over and over, in the end used only to not be sick, detoxed at home....and then the relief when suspended. My supervisor and the HR person took me to a conference room and they didn't even say one word and I broke down in tears. You were NOT weak for wanting to stop but not being able to. I have 6 months clean time and sometimes it's still hard for me to accept that this is a disease. Sometimes I think that if I could go back, I could of tried harder to quit but would not be the case. Our brains are wired differently. The shame is a huge thing and I still have alot of it. I was told I would be able to return to my hospital but a different floor (I was in er) but after 5 months they couldn't find me a position because of short staffing and my restriction. Finally I was able to get a temp position in medical records. A desk job that bores me to death but yet I am blessed to be working and to be given a second chance so I can't complain. I actually felt relief to leave the er dept because the stress and depression I already struggled with just fed my addiction. I can now breath. I have fear everyday of seeing old co-workers and I have. It gets easier and don't assume you co-workers know what happened because only the charge nurses knew about me. I was so terrified of what stories they would come up with after I dissappeared out of nowhere. Many people just say they miss me and they were wondering where I went. I just smile and tell them I needed some time off. Everyone is understanding of that and everone wants time off!! It gets easier. Just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been arrested and you are lucky to be able to return to your job. I would rather have a fresh start somewhere new but I will take what is offered to me now due to my restriction. We are just paying the price and you will learn alot about yourself along the way.

Welcome to a place where you can talk about anything and someone will be there to comfort you! Anything you need, we are here.

:loveya:

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Suzanne, I, too, identified terrifically with your story. Thank you for bringing it all back. I'm so grateful it all happened the way it did. In my case, it has been almost 17 years since the day I was "caught" and I still can recall viscerally the feeling of relief. I felt so relieved it was all over. No more flinching every time the phone rang at home thinking it was someone saying "we found out". No more hiding and lying and loathing myself. I didn't have any idea what was going to happen, I was just glad it was over. I self-reported to the BON and entered the Substance Abuse Recovery Program in my state. I got (and still am) very involved in AA. I took a medical LOA from work for 4 months and then went back to my same floor with a narcotic restriction. I think everyone knew but I certainly didn't try to hide what had happened from them. They were all so supportive. They passed my narcotics for me and I did things like inserting catherters for them. After 5 years I was honorably discharged from the BON SARP and my record was cleared. If you looked me up at the BON you would find a totally clean record.

That was all 16 1/2 years ago and my life is wonderful. I am about to retire (at Christmas vacation) from being a school nurse for the past 10 years. I am truely a "grateful recovering alcoholic and addict" I wish you all the best. You have no idea how much better you will feel. It just keeps getting better, or more acurately, I just keep getting better. So can you.

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Specializes in trauma, ER, PACU, CCU/ICU, Management.

welcome suzanne,

i am also going thru the process now. just joined a kare program in my state. i diverted demerol for im use with break thru back pain. this is a wonderful and loving site, it has helped me so much words cannot describe. hugs!:heartbeat

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Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.

Welcome insomniac! You are among friends here. Each one of us tells pretty much the same story, which is why support groups are so important in our trek of recovery.

(Y)our brain has been altered significantly by this disease and the chemicals used to feed it. It takes 18 - 24 months of abstinence for your brain to recuperate. The brain doesn't return to the pre-addiction state which means we are always at risk for relapse.

These changes lead to addictive thinking (see Abraham Twerski's book, "Addictive Thinking"). This thinking is irrational when it comes to our substance use/misuse. These changes in the brain also lead to the cravings (especially when we are around triggers) and the compulsive use of our drug(s) of choice.

The critical time period is the first 90 - 180 days. This is when the brain does most of it's healing. It also means it's the time when we will have our most intense cravings.

You are not a bad person trying to become good. You have a serious illness and you are trying to become well. Remember, addiction is the rare disease that tries like crazy to make you believe you don't have it! Yes, we do bad things when our disease is active. But it's a result of the alterations in the brain causing a narrow minded compulsion to obtain and use drugs.

Be gentle with yourself. There is nothing you can do to change what's be done. You CAN change the things you do from today forward. And the best news of all? You don't have to do it alone.

Jack

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Specializes in Med-Surg.

Welcome to Allnurses. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

I agree with Jack, that we need to be gentle with ourselves about our past. Those feelings of shame and guilt aren't healthy in the long run. You have a good "attitude of gratitude" and are moving forward.

Good luck and please come back and share often.

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Specializes in ICU.
Welcome insomniac! You are among friends here. Each one of us tells pretty much the same story, which is why support groups are so important in our trek of recovery.

(Y)our brain has been altered significantly by this disease and the chemicals used to feed it. It takes 18 - 24 months of abstinence for your brain to recuperate. The brain doesn't return to the pre-addiction state which means we are always at risk for relapse.

These changes lead to addictive thinking (see Abraham Twerski's book, "Addictive Thinking"). This thinking is irrational when it comes to our substance use/misuse. These changes in the brain also lead to the cravings (especially when we are around triggers) and the compulsive use of our drug(s) of choice.

The critical time period is the first 90 - 180 days. This is when the brain does most of it's healing. It also means it's the time when we will have our most intense cravings.

You are not a bad person trying to become good. You have a serious illness and you are trying to become well. Remember, addiction is the rare disease that tries like crazy to make you believe you don't have it! Yes, we do bad things when our disease is active. But it's a result of the alterations in the brain causing a narrow minded compulsion to obtain and use drugs.

Be gentle with yourself. There is nothing you can do to change what's be done. You CAN change the things you do from today forward. And the best news of all? You don't have to do it alone.

Jack

I love it when Jack talks like this.. :heartbeat I mean, he has a wonderful way of explaining it.

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