hi can you please give me your opinon on my nursing essay

[aznbaby]

hi everyone im jack and im planning on applying into a bsn program soon and we were required to write an essay why we want to be a nurse

if u would be so kind to look it over for me and give me some feed back on it i would really appreciate it please don't mind the spelling errors, i will review that after, this is just my first draft thank you so much everyone.

nursing

as i'm standing there with my father being told by the doctor that my mother has severe kidney stone and has to undergo major surgery right this minute, was the shock and freight of the moment. my father at the time spoke very limited amount of english. i, myself was too young and didn't speak any english to comprehend what the doctor was saying about my mother's condition. standing there, watching my mother tossed and turned in agonizing pain, made my body cold and numb. i felt so useless and confused as there was nothing i can do to alleviate her discomfort. my father stood there somberly, just taking in what the doctor had said and held my mother's hands tight for that was the only support he could give. after the doctor takes his leave, my father began to cry and prayed to god, hoping the surgery would go well as planned and to protect my mother all the way.

before the surgery, we were given time to say our thoughts and comments to my mother before they were to take her away. as i held my mother's hands, tears rolled down my face without my knowledge and my body refuses to let her go. when it was time for the nurses to take her away and prep her for the surgery, i felt like i wasn't going to see my mother again. i refuse to let go of her, until this female nurse, kneeled down to my height and began to wipe my tears away. she told me that my mother would be ok and after the surgery she will be normal again, happy and healthy. even with the language barrier, i felt hope and secure from this woman who i've never met. even though she was a stranger, i felt relaxed and comforted for the time being. the touch of her hands felt reassuring, and her smile gave me hope that my mother will return safely and healthy again. the nurse promised me that she will try her very best for my mother to regain her health again with every fiber of her being. after the support from that generous nurse, i was able to go home feeling secure knowing everything will turn out fine.

the next day when my mother was out from surgery and was in her own room, the nurse who was there with me yesterday, stayed the whole time and assisted us with every need. she greeted me with a warm smile, and put two thumbs pointing toward my mother showing that everything turned out fine. when my mother first opened her eyes my father and i ran towards her in tears. at that point i knew i had my mother back to me. the nurse couldn't help herself and tears rolled down her cheeks also. when my mother was ready for discharge, and were about to leave i gave that nurse a hug and said thanks you.

i wanted to thank her for taking care of my mother and being there for her until she regains her health again. i wanted to thank her for being there for me and giving me hope that everything will be ok. during that time i wish i could tell her how much she has affected me in such a positive way, and making me realize that someday i want to become a nurse.

i want to become a nurse because i enjoy working with people and helping them. what confirms my passion that i want to become a nurse is during my training time as a cna. i felt a sense of accomplishment when i helped those residents with their needs. what keeps me going is when you look into the patient's eyes and you know that the little things you've doen for them means the world, even if words aren't spoken. i want to be able to help someone with a chronic or terminal illness to be able to regain control again. just like the movie pay it forward, what that nurse did for my family and i, makes me want to do the same for another family that is going through a similar situation as i did. i want to be able to pay forward that generousness and comfort the patients and their family, educate them and still give them that sense of hope to get through this trouble time.

i feel that one of the strength of mine is patience. people will give up after many failures and some refuse to get back up. but i am willing to work hard to get to where i need to be. i've been through thick times and i've gotten through them. i feel that this character of mine will allow me to work with my patients and develop something that is best for them. i will never give up until i have tried every single possible way to help someone regain strength again.

nurses are the one who gets the most amounts of contacts with patients. my goal is to make all those patients as safe and comfortable at all time. i want to make a positive different in someone's life as that nurse did to mine. i believe that medicine cures the pain, but being a nurse i believe we cure the hearts of our patients.

[Clorae]

Jack,

I think that your essay is very honest, and genuine sounding. The best part about it, is that it does not sound contrived. I am convinced that your emotional response to wanting to become a nurse is real.

The only thing that I would add, is something to acknowledge that you are ready to understand and provide the more technical tasks of nursing. There are many aspects of becoming a nurse, and while compassion and teaching area a HUGE part, I think you need to somehow show the reader that you are ready to undertake the more scientific and medical aspects as well.

For example, "I feel confident that by undergoing this education, and building a strong background in physiological processes and treatments, i will be able to provide this care to the best of my ability", or "I realize the amount of knowledge and training needed, and I am ready to pursue it fully, in order to provide this care"

Most of all, continue to be honest, and nobody can fault you for that.

You will be an excellent nurse I am sure. I am about to graduate in May, and am so happy with the path I chose!

Best of luck to you

[GetBehindtheBarn, BSN]

Wow, I was moved to tears!

I agree with Clorae - it would help to add that your understand the challenges that nursing school will put beofre you.

Also, I kow that the administrators of my program are sticklers for proper writing. Take you paper to your school's writing center or student resource center and seek assitance with proper writing form. If you do not have one at your school, contact a former high school English teacher. If you tweek this paper a bit, it will knock their socks off in every way!

Best of luck - let us know how it goes!

[aznbaby]

thanks you so much for all your imput and comments :)

i will def talk about understanding the path and about readiness thanks you

and yes getbehindthebarn after adding more things to the essay ill def try to improve my sentence structure and have my english teacher critique it and guide me through

thanks you both so much for your time i really apreciate it thanks :)

[DayDreamin ER CRNP]

You wrote from the heart and that is ok. Without knowing what the actual assignment is, it is hard for me to say you were successful in your writing.

You do have quite a bit of tense shift, run on sentences, and some grammar errors. I would suggest going to your school's writing center for some assistance.

m

[aznbaby]

thanks keepermom :) the assignment was just to write why you want to become a nurse

yes as soon as im done editing and adding more things to it, i will get that looked with help asap! thanks you

does anyone thinks its too draggy or boring? i hope its not because this is how i really feel and why i want to pursue nursing...

any suggestion at all is helpful thanks you

[GetBehindtheBarn, BSN]

It is an honest, heart felt expression of what is driving you to become a nurse. You have to have a good reason to put yourself through the "fun" of nursing school.

I really think if you make a few additions and make it "behave" from a writing standpoint, you will in good shape.

Just my two cents...

[aznbaby]

yes its sad to say but grammer is not my best thing

but im working hard to improve my skills :) thanks you

[aznbaby]

does anyone els has any other suggestions at all?

[Michaelxy]

Well, I am no writer but I tried to take a crack at rewriting your first paragraph. See below.

Your version-------------------------------------------------------------------

As I’m standing there with my father being told by the doctor that my mother has severe kidney stone and has to undergo major surgery right this minute, was the shock and freight of the moment. My father at the time spoke very limited amount of English. I, myself was too young and didn’t speak any English to comprehend what the doctor was saying about my mother’s condition. Standing there, watching my mother tossed and turned in agonizing pain, made my body cold and numb. I felt so useless and confused as there was nothing I can do to alleviate her discomfort. My father stood there somberly, Just taking in what the doctor had said and held my mother’s hands tight for that was the only support he could give. After the doctor takes his leave, my father began to cry and prayed to god, hoping the surgery would go well as planned and to protect my mother all the way.

Rewrite --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After hearing the news about my mother’s condition from her doctor, my father and I felt helpless and shocked, urgent kidney surgery was something we never had expected. As I did not speak English at the time the news was delivered to me by my father you see; somehow this made my anxiety much worse. The vision of my mother writhing in pain was just too much to see as my legs weakened in utter fear. The pain was not lessened as my father grasped my mothers hand and he began to weep as the doctor left the room. It was then that father and I would pray.

end edit------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem with the original and the rewrite is that neither intro conveys an essay thesis which is essential for this sort of paper. The thesis statement tells the reader what the essay will be about, and what point you, the author, will be making.This is never made clear until almost the end of the paper. The essay needs to state why you want to be a nurse in first paragraph. You can make your thesis statement in second paragraph if needed, but one must be careful not to lose the reader.

You need to remember that your writing an essay as to why you want to be a nurse, and you need to state this in first or second paragraph. Think of it this way, when you look at a newspaper, which stories do you read first? I would guess the one with the most interesting headline. Well, your thesis is your headline, so keep that in mind.

That's my input. Rework the paper so your thesis is made early, and then your supporting paragraphs should follow. End with a conclusion.

[rn/writer, RN]

Very moving story.

That said, there is room for improvement in the telling of it.

The way the first sentence reads now it loses almost all of its emotional impact. As Michaelxy suggested, start with a shorter but stronger beginning.

For example:

"My mother was in agony. So were my father and I because we didn't know how to help her."

After you have created questions in the reader's mind (Why was she in agony? What did you and your father do?), you can explain where you were, what was wrong with her, etc.

Create a question, then answer it.

I strongly suggest that you read your essay out loud. This will help you catch run-on sentences and awkward construction. Our ears snag on things that our eyes slide right over.

It's not a bad idea to seek help from a school writing center.

You have a lot of good material to work with. If you can shape it and polish it properly, you will have a top-notch essay to submit.

I'm glad your mother was all right.

Good luck.

[aznbaby]

thank you so much i will take everything into consideration and will try my best to make it work :)