Having a hard time getting over a baby's death

tinkerbell419 · May 15, 2014

What you are feeling is very normal because it shows that you do care and that you are human. Its hard to end up being too attached to a baby. Sometimes i get a bit like that myself. I love to hold babies and talk to them and give them a cuddle but working on NICU isnt the same as working in a nursery. Its hard and emotional.

It may be worth getting some sort of support/counselling for bereavement or maybe further help on dealing with the death of a baby. I cant imagine how tragic that must have been and how nurses put their emotion to one side.

Might be best to talk it through with an experienced nurse or manager. Or go and see your health service at the hospital and see if they can help you.

spacey · May 16, 2014

In our unit, if a nurse has formed a supportive relationship with the family (and has expressed a willingness to be notified), we will often call them to come in and be there during the death if possible. This is helpful for the nurse and the family. You might mention this option to the manager to prevent this kind of thing from happening again.

While death is certainly a very real part of the job, we shouldn't expect people to just take the next assignment and move on as if nothing has happened.... especially if this was an unexpected death or if the nurse had been close to the baby / family. We want to support and encourage that kind of caring... not make it more difficult.

As the responder above mentioned, you may also want to seek personal counseling, see a doctor or mental health care provider, speak to your manager or an experienced nurse you trust, or see the hospital chaplain. All these people will have dealt with this response and these feelings previously and should be helpful and empathetic.

Have you considered writing a letter to the baby's family? You could say what you liked about the baby, share a memory -- for example you could talk about her eyes, they way they looked deep into yours, like you shared here. Remember to frame everything you say positively -- "she had a way of looking right into my heart"... instead of "she was begging me for help with her eyes"... (of course... I"m sure you realize that!) These families often feel like no one even got a chance to know their child... and to know that someone had a relationship with her, that they knew her personality and cared about her is VERY comforting. Saying "I'm so sorry this happened" -- is ok! Some nurses hesitate to do that, wondering if that expresses some type of responsibility on their behalf or by the hospital -- but you're simply stating that the end result of this situation was very sad and that you are empathizing with the family's pain and loss. I'm sure a note from you would become one of their treasured belongings....and I bet it would go a long way to giving you that sense of closure that you need.

Also -- does your hospital have a service where they remember the babies lost each year? We have one and sometimes, especially if the families choose not to attend, a nurse will attend in honor of a special patient. All who have done that have said how meaningful it was to them to participate and to continue to recognize that special relationship. Other things you can do as a memorial to her might help as well.... maybe make a donation in her honor?, Buy a special blanket or mobile for the unit?, Purchase hats or socks for each NICU baby? You could include a tag stating it was in her honor if you'd like... or just know in your heart the reason.

Hang in there... find ways to share your feelings, that will help so much! Sending you hugs!

Bortaz, MSN, RN · May 17, 2014

Went through this a time or 2. It's hard. The thing that helped me the most was keeping in touch with the parents occasionally (each time at their request...no pressure from me). The first baby I ever lost was the same situation as yours. I was devastated. Kept in touch with the parents. 5 years later, I was the first person they called (even before their families) when they finally got pregnant again. I attended the birth of the sister of my first angel, and it was great.

EricJRN, MSN, RN · May 17, 2014

I'm really sorry! I know that we've said it a thousand times on this forum, but NEC can be just the worst. Even when you feel like death has become familiar to you in the NICU, some babies or families just really touch you very deeply. I hope that you're able to relax a little and take care of yourself.

HyperSaurus, RN, BSN · May 19, 2014

I haven't been there yet, but I'm sorry for your experience.

lub dub · May 19, 2014

It may be worth getting some sort of support/counselling for bereavement or maybe further help on dealing with the death of a baby.
Might be best to talk it through with an experienced nurse or manager. Or go and see your health service at the hospital and see if they can help you.

Does your facility have an Employee Assistance Program? These programs offer free counselling to employees for situations just like you have described. I urge you to look into that. Please let us know how you make out.

tinkerbell419 · May 19, 2014

I dont know if your spiritual or religious but you could go and light a candle for the baby who passed away. It may help to sit and reflect in the hospital's church and say a few words if you wish. Sometimes you can write a little prayer request or write in the prayer book. It may not give you answers or make life clearer but God may give you some inner strength to be proud of being a nurse. Visiting a church may help to bring some closure to you. Whenever I have been close to a child I say a few words for them at church and it helps me to feel more at peace.

RN&mom · May 23, 2014

I have never worked in the NICU but my son spent three weeks in one and while I am VERY fortunate that my son is alive I do wish I had kept in touch with this one nurse... I can't even imagine what it's like to lose a child so I won't pretend I do but when you have a child in the hospital there is nothing better than knowing there's someone who loves your child and has connected with them. I think writing the parents a letter as previously mentioned, would mean a lot to them. My son is constantly in and out of the hospital & I love hearing someone saying how much my son means to them. It helps to know he's cared about. It sounds like you really connected with this child, as a parent who had to feel the guilt of leaving my son alone in the NICU, (I was there every day but also had a 3 yr old) the loving nurses were my savior!!