Has this ever happened to you and what did you do?

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Specializes in Trauma/Surgery Floor.

I apologize in advance if this seems long and rambling...I have tried to condense the story as much as possible...

I recently (last semester) had a falling out with my best friend who I met in nsg school our first semester. We have studied and played together since the beginning (pre-reqs). It started in Fall semester clinical when she failed a test I passed (NOT bragging here but I usually made higher grades than she did). She couldn't understand why she was struggling since we were studying the same material the same way, all the time. I tried to offer comfort by acknowledging that I understood how she felt because I have failed tests also. She became very upset and explained to me that I could never know how she feels because I was passing and she wasn't. I felt awful and started thinking that I was letting her down. I was genuinely worried for my friend. I had tried to help in every way possible that I could think.

I am a very positive person. I feel that my attitude directly affects my success as a nursing student and a caregiver. She, on the other hand, focuses on the downside of almost everything. I tried to be objective and help her see the positive side of any issue. This apparently became a source of contention for her. We decided that maybe she needed more time to study alone and then we would get together and go over what we knew. This plan was put into effect the following semester. I then noticed she started pulling away from the friendship and even getting ugly with me when we would discuss school or even personal matters and my thoughts differed from hers. I thought maybe I was coming off as a know-it-all and her attitude manifested in a defensive albeit mean-spirited way. I explained to my friend one night that I was feeling hurt about how the whole situation has played out. She then explained to me that my feelings were not valid from her point of view. I was being paranoid, unreasonable and she couldn't help me with that. I was astonished d/t the fact that this was supposed to be my closest friend. Needless to say, this made being in class and clinical together uncomfortable for me. I tried twice more discussing this with her and ended up with the same result. More hurt feelings and confusion. I then decided I would drop the whole issue and press on with life in school.

The past semester was a very difficult semester and almost half of a class of 80 did not pass. I passed while she did not. I was advised at the beginning of clinicals by a faculty member not to announce my grades because some students become envious, cross and even declare false accusations because school would be difficult and this usually leads to trouble for some. I never boasted or bragged. I never asked about or compared grades with anybody else. I realize how sensitive it really is for some and I resolved to remain humble and quiet. After all, it could happen to me as well. I always offered help or helped anyone who asked. I enjoy studying with other students. I also enjoy studying alone. I am comfortable either way.

To make a long story short, the whole issue has turned sour for me and a select few others. Our entire class is pretty close so this was a noticeable change. I have been approached by others about it and I explained that we decided to do things differently this semester. End of discussion. She has called me an overachiever, stuck-up, proud, and even accused me of trying to lead others in the wrong direction when I pass along my study material. I realize she has been making catty comments and stirring up mess with other people that I talk or study with as well. She has ostracized other friends, said or did ugly things to other people I study/hang with, seemingly because they are my friends. My dilemma is that I still think this was a totally resolveable issue. I miss the friendship and the sense of security it brought to the struggle of nursing school. Despite that, at this point I am tired of the high-school behavior (we are both non-traditional students, married c children). It is difficult to ignore and press on when it seems to be brought to my attention on a fairly consistent basis. What do you think? What would you do?

:crying2: and :banghead: at the same time...

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She's jealous, honey. Stay away. A true friend is happy for your success, not mean.

A have a friend rright now going through a very difficult time on her nursing job and in her life in general. Mine is finally going well. I hadn't been hearing from her and she finally confessed that my happiness made her feel worse. I dropped back at that point and now things are okay again. What she was feeling was human, but it did still hurt my feelings a bit.

You don't have that option given that you're in class together. The best thing that you can do for yourself is band together with the other successful students and give her a wide berth.

But then, if she flunked out the situation is resolved after this semester.

I have another friend I nicknamed Eeyore, because it's always gloomy in her part of the forest. I said to her once, "Cripes, Judy, if you won the lottery you'd bee about the taxes." She actually laughed and admitted that that was true. But I still speak to her vary infrequently. She has been my best friend since I was 18 - and my age is public - but sometimes life is hard enough without negative people around.

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I am one of those people that no matter how hard I try to be positive, I have a natural tendency to dwell on the negative. This stems primarily from how I was raised...nothing, absolutely nothing, was good enough for my parents. Both of them were over-achievers, were straight-A students, out of all of my siblings, you should have heard the gasps at dinner table when I announced I got a 3.0 my first semester of nursing school...b/c they think anything less than a 4.0 is unacceptable.

I have a study partner and our grades are weird...we score about the same...but all I do is study while she barely touches a book....that really bugs me sometimes b/c I feel like I have no life and she is still enjoying hers.

We don't take it out on each other, but because she is most definitely the more positive between us, sometimes I do find myself distancing myself just a bit...I can't even tell you why I feel that way sometimes.

I also feel I have so much more at stake b/c she lives at home with her parents, they are VERY supportive of her, and she has a rock-solid relationship with her boyfriend.

I have a marriage that is heading downhill by the day with twins that I couldn't financially support if I got a divorce right now...so I am in a constant panic mode b/c if I fail a semester, that means a whole year trapped where I am right now....being broke, dealing with my husband that I would really like to leave right now.

When I am "over" one of my spells, I usually call her and ask if she wants to do something unschool related to make up for being a bad friend.

So, I know it's hard, and she shouldn't say things like that about you, however, you never really know what is at stake for her or what is going on at home that you may not know about.

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Specializes in Oncology, Med-Surg, Nursery.

Sounds to me like it is a jealousy thing as well. I had a friend who was very similar, although we weren't as close as you two seemed. No matter what I have ever accomplished, she always had something to say about it if she didn't do as well. My accomplishments were never quite as special/important as hers, especially if I made higher on a test or in clinical than her. With that being said - I have always made a big deal out of things for her because I knew how important it was for her to hear that. I pulled away from her - it was the only way to preserve my sanity and not totally have awful resentment toward her.

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Specializes in SICU.

If she was your friend, she is not now. Maturity does not always occur with age and her actions are showing her lack of maturity.

It is ok to go through a grieving process with the death of your friendship. Sorry that this has happened to you.

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Specializes in Trauma/Surgery Floor.

Thanks for the insight. I can understand the added difficulty of marital/private issues factoring into school difficulties. Of course with those things considered, I would want a friend around even more to lean on. But I also understand that sometimes you just want or have to deal with things on your own. I feel that way sometimes when I don't want to 'weigh' my friends or family down with my issues. Again, thx for the insight and i'll pray for strength and diligence, for both of us. :)

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Specializes in Peri-op/Sub-Acute ANP.

Hopeful 2009's story should demonstrate that we all have lives and pressures outside of our school life, and sometimes 'stuff' can spill over. I'm not trying to make excuses for her horrible behavior, but I think it would be healthier for you if you could give her the benefit of the doubt, and move on with grace. Although we all strive to keep home/school/work separate, as the pressure builds, the whole balancing act can start to crumble and some people just handle it better than others.

I feel bad for you, I truly do, but you can't let this 'friendship' get in the way of your own success. Who knows what she is going through but whatever it is she doesn't want your help. She is just lashing out, and you are in the way. Get out of her way, keep doing what you are doing, and try not to let this affect you too much. Sometimes you just have to let things/people go.

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i am one of those people that no matter how hard i try to be positive, i have a natural tendency to dwell on the negative. this stems primarily from how i was raised...nothing, absolutely nothing, was good enough for my parents.

both of them were over-achievers, were straight-a students, out of all of my siblings, you should have heard the gasps at dinner table when i announced i got a 3.0 my first semester of nursing school...b/c they think anything less than a 4.0 is unacceptable.

same here except it was my grandmother, who got her ged and lpn at 50 who was/is never satisfied with my 3.77 and even full scholarship to a bsn program..somehow i am still lazy, irresponsible and immature because i graduated a year early so i'm not old enough to know anything.

don't let anyone bring you down. you have accomplished alot. i'd say don't worry about your "friend" if she truly was one, she would be proud and happy for you. you need friends that lift you up, not bring you down. god bless.

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I think it may be jealousy, but also consider that she may be feeling inadequate in comparison to you. My son was best friends with another boy his age, and in almost all areas this boy excelled. He got straight A's, he played club level sports and my son found himself not able to participate in all that his best friend could. At one point my son wanted to be in the same scholarship federation club as his friend. In fact his friend got elected president of the club and nominated my son as vice president. It was greatly embarrasing to my son to have to decline because his GPA was not high enough. Eventually that boy transferred to a really good school and my son sees him very rarely. They are still friends, but don't call themselves best friends anymore. People tend to steer towards people who don't make them look bad in comparision, and can share experiences at the same level. I am sure that this friend of yours is just feeling you two are on differing levels, and it may be a bit embarrasing to her. I know that you have said it could happen to you, but it sounds like over and over she has had problems where you have succeeded. That probably is a bitter pill to swallow. There is nothing you can do. To bring you both to the same level you would have to fail and you don't want to do that just to save the friendship. Nursing school is hard. Be proud of what you have accomplished. Sometimes nursing school takes a harsh toll on friendships, and other relationships as well. I wonder what the statistics are on breakups, and divorces during nursing school? I send you hugs and encouragement to keep on working towards being a nurse.

Best regards,

Jean

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Specializes in Emergency Room.

I'm so sorry . What a rough situation. I think it's best to be civil and move on. She's taking her failure out on you. It sounds like she's a bit jealous and wants to put the blame anywhere but on herself.

Sometimes you need to let toxic friendships go away. Maybe someday she'll realize how bad she's being, but don't count on it. Just focus on doing your best and enjoying your new career.

Good luck to you.

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Specializes in Cardiac.

I must agree. Real friends will never root against you, jealously is one thing, but this is another. Sometimes you just have to walk away.

I'm a happy go lucky type, and I refuse to "waste" time with the doom and gloom crowd.

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Specializes in Post Anesthesia.

I don't know how I would have delt with a failure in a nursing course, especially of one of my best friends/study partners passed. I'm sure she(or he) must be devastated and is just trying to scrap together what self confidence she can- even if it means finding a way to blame others instead of taking responsibility for the failure herself. That may be her only way of coping with the failure for now. If your frienship was based solely on shared nursing school experiences then I would say you didn't loose too much. If your friendship went beyond that you may be able to get back together once the acute "ouch" of failure has passed. The best thing you can do is offer positive encouragement- let her know you think she could have and should have passed but it wasn't your call. Everyone has an off day.

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