Has this ever happened to you and what did you do?

[cyndiangel13]

I apologize in advance if this seems long and rambling...I have tried to condense the story as much as possible...

I recently (last semester) had a falling out with my best friend who I met in nsg school our first semester. We have studied and played together since the beginning (pre-reqs). It started in Fall semester clinical when she failed a test I passed (NOT bragging here but I usually made higher grades than she did). She couldn't understand why she was struggling since we were studying the same material the same way, all the time. I tried to offer comfort by acknowledging that I understood how she felt because I have failed tests also. She became very upset and explained to me that I could never know how she feels because I was passing and she wasn't. I felt awful and started thinking that I was letting her down. I was genuinely worried for my friend. I had tried to help in every way possible that I could think.

I am a very positive person. I feel that my attitude directly affects my success as a nursing student and a caregiver. She, on the other hand, focuses on the downside of almost everything. I tried to be objective and help her see the positive side of any issue. This apparently became a source of contention for her. We decided that maybe she needed more time to study alone and then we would get together and go over what we knew. This plan was put into effect the following semester. I then noticed she started pulling away from the friendship and even getting ugly with me when we would discuss school or even personal matters and my thoughts differed from hers. I thought maybe I was coming off as a know-it-all and her attitude manifested in a defensive albeit mean-spirited way. I explained to my friend one night that I was feeling hurt about how the whole situation has played out. She then explained to me that my feelings were not valid from her point of view. I was being paranoid, unreasonable and she couldn't help me with that. I was astonished d/t the fact that this was supposed to be my closest friend. Needless to say, this made being in class and clinical together uncomfortable for me. I tried twice more discussing this with her and ended up with the same result. More hurt feelings and confusion. I then decided I would drop the whole issue and press on with life in school.

The past semester was a very difficult semester and almost half of a class of 80 did not pass. I passed while she did not. I was advised at the beginning of clinicals by a faculty member not to announce my grades because some students become envious, cross and even declare false accusations because school would be difficult and this usually leads to trouble for some. I never boasted or bragged. I never asked about or compared grades with anybody else. I realize how sensitive it really is for some and I resolved to remain humble and quiet. After all, it could happen to me as well. I always offered help or helped anyone who asked. I enjoy studying with other students. I also enjoy studying alone. I am comfortable either way.

To make a long story short, the whole issue has turned sour for me and a select few others. Our entire class is pretty close so this was a noticeable change. I have been approached by others about it and I explained that we decided to do things differently this semester. End of discussion. She has called me an overachiever, stuck-up, proud, and even accused me of trying to lead others in the wrong direction when I pass along my study material. I realize she has been making catty comments and stirring up mess with other people that I talk or study with as well. She has ostracized other friends, said or did ugly things to other people I study/hang with, seemingly because they are my friends. My dilemma is that I still think this was a totally resolveable issue. I miss the friendship and the sense of security it brought to the struggle of nursing school. Despite that, at this point I am tired of the high-school behavior (we are both non-traditional students, married c children). It is difficult to ignore and press on when it seems to be brought to my attention on a fairly consistent basis. What do you think? What would you do?

and at the same time...

[futurecnm]

she is not a true friend. RN school is hard enough without the drama. do not waste your time on this nonsense. Spend your time with people who support you and are positive and stay away from this negativity. It will only bring you down too.

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

These types of situations crop up in nursing school. It's very confining to be in a program for an extrended period of time, interacting with the same people over and over again. Familiarity breeds contempt.

Nursing school is different than most college programs because of this factor. It can lead to claustrophobic feelings. You feel like you are suffocating at times due to the changing cliques and catty backbiting.

Life does mimic Jr High School. Truthfully, you'll encounter similar dynamics out in the nursing workforce so consider this experience part of your education.

[JBudd, MSN]

""My dilemma is that I still think this was a totally resolveable issue. I miss the friendship and the sense of security it brought to the struggle of nursing school. Despite that, at this point I am tired of the high-school behavior ""

This is not resolvable. She has dissolved the friendship, which requires effort on both sides. You cannot restore a sense of security with someone willing to sabotage you, because how could you trust her? Continue to be polite, rise above the back biting and keep working hard for yourself. Confidence and security will come with your own accomplishments, from within. :pumpiron::pumpiron:

It is possible in the future she may see what she is doing and come around, but don't depend on it. Its time to move on, build relationships with others in the class, and graduate. Of all my classmates, I am only still in touch with one (she was one of my bridesmaids!). Fortunately, nursing school is not forever, it just seems like it.:redbeathe

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

I only keep in touch with one of my instructors, I made no lasting friendships in nursing school. As important as it seems now, it will end up being a faded memory in time.

[coolpeach]

I have a best friend who I literally have known since her birth (our parents are best friends). I was two years old and at the hospital the day she was born.

In our life there have been so many times that one of us was up while the other was down. I remember before our children were born I was doing really well in life, and she and her husband were struggling. I am sure it made her feel weird to come to my house and see my nice things, and hear of my nice life. She had to invite me over to see her not so great place, and cook food in a toaster oven because her oven hadn't worked in a year.

Then her husband started his own business, and it took off like crazy. At the same time my husband and I were getting a divorce, and I was poor and miserable. She on the other hand was buying furniture, and taking vacations.

For many years she has done really well, while I struggled with 3 kids on loans, grants and scholorships to finish school. She even bought a new house, and paid for her teaching degree in full with cash. Now she has graduated, but competition of jobs in the area is fierce and she can't find one. In addition, with the housing market down her husband is struggling to make a living. They almost lost their home, and are living week to week.

For the time being we are equals. Who knows where life will be in a year in a half when I graduate. Maybe we will both start to flourish again. Maybe her husbands business will crash, and I will do better than her. Or maybe she will get a divorce do to stress from the whole situation, and we will both be single moms (a teacher, and a nurse).

Regardless, we are best friends and nothing will prevent us from being close. It has felt weird at times for both of us. I have felt strange when I was poor and seeing her life all grand, and strange again letting her see my life all wonderful while she was having troubles.

Thats life!!!! If your friend were a true friend she would accept that you both my feel weird over the situation, but not let it end your friendship. I know its hard, but I would let her go.

[MedicalNerd]

Hopeful 2009's story should demonstrate that we all have lives and pressures outside of our school life, and sometimes 'stuff' can spill over. I'm not trying to make excuses for her horrible behavior, but I think it would be healthier for you if you could give her the benefit of the doubt, and move on with grace. Although we all strive to keep home/school/work separate, as the pressure builds, the whole balancing act can start to crumble and some people just handle it better than others.

I feel bad for you, I truly do, but you can't let this 'friendship' get in the way of your own success. Who knows what she is going through but whatever it is she doesn't want your help. She is just lashing out, and you are in the way. Get out of her way, keep doing what you are doing, and try not to let this affect you too much. Sometimes you just have to let things/people go.

I totally agree with this post.

[michigansstudent]

Such a sad situation to be in. Like you said, high school was a long time ago and people should be over such behaviors, but I have noticed that you will come across people who want to bring you down everywhere you go. Unfortunate. Anyway, my motto is that life is hard and we should surround ourselves with people who bring an added benefit to this tough spot we are in. If she brings you stress and drama then you need to remove yourself from the situation. More mentally than physically. Life is too short and too hard to spend precious thoughts on someone who is not bringing you anything positive to add to your life. If you reevaluate her place in your life the rumors and aquisations will no longer have the power that they once did. True friends are hard to come by, and this girl just isn't one of them. Keep connecting with people and you are sure to find a true friend or two along the way.