Grievance leads to physical conditions?!

[sissiesmama, ASN, RN]

Hello - I have a question and wanted to seek any opinions in this matter. Let me start by saying I am more than anything a canine loving person. I do not have any children, my dh has 3 from a previous marriage and I love them, but never gave birth. The younger 2 boys live with us full time and have for over 4 years.

I got my first puppy when I was in maybe 4th grade or so. He was beautiful, just one that someone abandoned. That dog was really one of the most positive aspects of my childhood. He was hit by a car and died at the vet's office not long before I graduated from high school. I took it very hard - my dad still remembers that and told my 2 ds about it.

So after this dog passed away, I waited until I was 22 before I thought about getting another one. Another little mixed breed. "Sam" was also very sweet, and saw me through 2 bad marriages and divorces. He was a 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 g. retriever, and was healthy for the most part. He got arthritis and ended up paralyzed from the waist back and I had to have him put to sleep. It was the hardest decision I have ever been forced to make. I couldn't even give the vet the ok to do it. She called me on my cell phone after he had only been there less than 1 hour, and it just really surprised me. I had to get the vet call my dh to talk to him about it. He died 1 month before his 16th bday. I had him cremated and he sits in a beautiful urn on my dresser.

Brfore Sam died, I did have bouts of HTN, but controlled for the most part on Clonidine po. Sam died in August, and within 2 months, I started having CP and runs of vtach and bigeminy as well as labile HTN. The symptoms were insidious, they didn't just all hit me at once. At first, I just thought I wasn't dealing with it. My PCP dx me also with panic attacks, usually waking me in a cold sweat in the middle of the night with HR up over 150bpm, and having to change the sheets and my pjs. I did see a therapist after he died, but just not really how much it helped.

I did get another puppy, a mini daschund named Sissie after I lost Sam. I does seem like she has helped ease some of the stress and guilt from losing him. Sissie turned 2 in July.

Before I lost Sam, I never had any cardiac dx, no arrythmias, or anything like that.My BP went from being "a littler high" to being as high as 240/160 and taking enough BP meds to choke a horse. I take more meds than my dm and dd combined, and they are in their 70s.

I know about psychosomatics and depression leading to worsening conditions. I just wasn't sure if there were any basis for something like this. I've been in the ER on more than 1 occasion with my HR 150 to 180, and getting converted back to a sinus rhythym with IVP meds. I don't like to think I am a hypocondriac. I know that depression can play havoc on one's physical health. And, I know to some people, a dog is just "a dog", but Sam was there for me for 16 years and I did not have any children.

Don't want to think I'm crazy or anything, just wanted to throw this out there and get some opinions. Any opinions and suggestions welcome. I know it's long and boring, but thanks for reading it.

Anne, RNC :paw::paw::paw: :saint:

[Atheos]

Losing a pet IS the same as losing a child. In my opinion a pet IS a child.

I don't have any first hand knowledge about losing pets but losing my child (human) caused depression, kicked my bp into overdrive and a whole host of other problems for a long time. Some of them have faded in time. I can already see things popping up in my mother, and i am pretty sure her depression and health is mysteriously getting a bit worse as well, as our dog, 13 years old, is going to be leaving her soon.

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing children (pets or biological) is always a hard thing.

[sissiesmama, ASN, RN]

Stanley - thank you so much for your response. I do appreciate it. I know some people don't understand the connection that people "like me" that fet so attached to an animal.

Quite a few years ago, I was driving home from work about 30 minutes away where I was the ER night nurse and had noticed a "hungry looking dog" standing in the middle of the highway. I had a bag of dog food in the car, so every time I was on the way home from work I stopped and fed him. I never touched him, but he got within arms reach to me.

I was married to a police officer at the time, and one evening I pointed him out as we were driving that same route. Turns out, I had been stopping to feed a coyote every night! OMG!

Anne, RNC Thanks again Stanley!

[Atheos]

You are welcome. :)

Coyotes are always hungry looking aren't they.

[mondkmondk]

My similar situation: I was dx'ed in May 2001 with bipolar ironically just a couple of months after my cousin's identical twin baby boys were both stillborn. After having 3 girls, my cousin was ecstatic to discover twin boys...back then my hubby and I were doing infertility treatments to try to get pg...since her then-husband was never there for her, I took her to all her appointments, U/S's, etc. I helped her prepare their nursery and wash all the little outfits she got as gifts. I did errands for her and kept her girls overnight with me many a time when she was placed on bedrest late in the pg. When I got to the hospital after she called to say she was in labor, they were prepping her for a C-section and couldn't find heart rates on either baby. After they were born and we were told they didn't make it...something in my brain just went from right to wrong. I felt as if I'd lost babies too. My cousin had promised to sort of "share" the boys with me after all we'd been through. I got to hold them both with tears falling onto their little blankets.

The funeral was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...and making it through afterwards. That is when my bipolar symptoms started...and psychosis. I won't post my hallucinations here because they are related to her babies....but I do fully believe that crisis or trauma of any kind can trigger physical feelings.

I know you said something about a therapist you saw for awhile. If you don't like venting your problems there, then my best advice for you is to keep a journal...and for your physical problems too...when you go into tachy or feel some PVC's, write them down and also write down how you were feeling or what you were thinking about prior to the episode.

Also, I don't know what kind of therapist you saw, but you may want to try again with a grief counselor. I'm so sorry about your baby (dog). Keep us posted and good luck to you. Also, a big hug!

Blessings, Michelle

[sissiesmama, ASN, RN]

My similar situation: I was dx'ed in May 2001 with bipolar ironically just a couple of months after my cousin's identical twin baby boys were both stillborn. After having 3 girls, my cousin was ecstatic to discover twin boys...back then my hubby and I were doing infertility treatments to try to get pg...since her then-husband was never there for her, I took her to all her appointments, U/S's, etc. I helped her prepare their nursery and wash all the little outfits she got as gifts. I did errands for her and kept her girls overnight with me many a time when she was placed on bedrest late in the pg. When I got to the hospital after she called to say she was in labor, they were prepping her for a C-section and couldn't find heart rates on either baby. After they were born and we were told they didn't make it...something in my brain just went from right to wrong. I felt as if I'd lost babies too. My cousin had promised to sort of "share" the boys with me after all we'd been through. I got to hold them both with tears falling onto their little blankets.

The funeral was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...and making it through afterwards. That is when my bipolar symptoms started...and psychosis. I won't post my hallucinations here because they are related to her babies....but I do fully believe that crisis or trauma of any kind can trigger physical feelings.

I know you said something about a therapist you saw for awhile. If you don't like venting your problems there, then my best advice for you is to keep a journal...and for your physical problems too...when you go into tachy or feel some PVC's, write them down and also write down how you were feeling or what you were thinking about prior to the episode.

Also, I don't know what kind of therapist you saw, but you may want to try again with a grief counselor. I'm so sorry about your baby (dog). Keep us posted and good luck to you. Also, a big hug!

Blessings, Michelle

Michelle - thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me. I do appreciate it. You are a very strong person having to go through the grief that you did. I can not imagine being there at that funeral for those precious babies... I just can not even imagine it.

Thanks for your suggestions. I do appreciate them, and a hug for you too, for being such a special person to your cousin.

Anne

[amarilla, RN]

Hi Anne,

First things first: I am so sorry for your loss. I too am a dog lover and am active in dog rescue; I probably shed more tears between sick people and animals in need than is healthy anyhow. I have no children, but that wasn't for lack of trying. *sigh.

That being said, I just wanted to throw in my two cents that I'm not at all surprised to hear that your grief has manifested physically from the inside out. Something you wrote really stood out to me: that you were forced into making a painful decision for Sam and subsequently lost your furbaby afterward. Getting blindsided by such a thing and coming away with a tremendous loss, (and sometimes a sense of guilt that one couldn't do more or find a different solution to save the pet), would be devastating!

Trying to stomach the loss and the circumstances which led up to losing Sam sounds like it has created a knot of grief and lasting sadness. Losing someone who shared a large and lasting part of our lives will never be easy, and please don't let anyone, (dog lover or not), diminish the enormity of such a loss.

It's good you let it out here, but do you have anyone you can talk to about it? Anything you can do to make those memories more positive associations rather than pointed sadness? Maybe there might be a few ways you can honor Sam's memory? Just a thought, but I usually start a donation every year for the local shelter or one of my sister rescues in the name of a beloved dog passed on. We feature their story, share photos and honor them as loved ones...encouraging other folks to give so that a homeless dog can have the same chance to live out a happy life with a family. I've also made donations to other rescue efforts or spent just a few more hours volunteering transport or time at the shelter rehabbing animals awaiting homes. I'm not sure why it helps, but it does.

:icon_hug:

Best,

Southern

[sissiesmama, ASN, RN]

Hi Anne,

First things first: I am so sorry for your loss. I too am a dog lover and am active in dog rescue; I probably shed more tears between sick people and animals in need than is healthy anyhow. I have no children, but that wasn't for lack of trying. *sigh.

That being said, I just wanted to throw in my two cents that I'm not at all surprised to hear that your grief has manifested physically from the inside out. Something you wrote really stood out to me: that you were forced into making a painful decision for Sam and subsequently lost your furbaby afterward. Getting blindsided by such a thing and coming away with a tremendous loss, (and sometimes a sense of guilt that one couldn't do more or find a different solution to save the pet), would be devastating!

Trying to stomach the loss and the circumstances which led up to losing Sam sounds like it has created a knot of grief and lasting sadness. Losing someone who shared a large and lasting part of our lives will never be easy, and please don't let anyone, (dog lover or not), diminish the enormity of such a loss.

It's good you let it out here, but do you have anyone you can talk to about it? Anything you can do to make those memories more positive associations rather than pointed sadness? Maybe there might be a few ways you can honor Sam's memory? Just a thought, but I usually start a donation every year for the local shelter or one of my sister rescues in the name of a beloved dog passed on. We feature their story, share photos and honor them as loved ones...encouraging other folks to give so that a homeless dog can have the same chance to live out a happy life with a family. I've also made donations to other rescue efforts or spent just a few more hours volunteering transport or time at the shelter rehabbing animals awaiting homes. I'm not sure why it helps, but it does.

:icon_hug:

Best,

Southern

Southern - Hello and thank you for your reply. You had some really good ideas! I know it is hard for some people who don't have or like dogs to understand where we are coming from at times, and I can always count on some help from my allnurses friends.

And, you are right about my decisions with Sam. I had never ended up in that situation before Sam, and when I took him in to the vet, that was the last thing I expected to hear that morning. I was in our local uniform shop trying to find my dh some lab coats. He is a nsg. sup. at the same hospital where I was working at the time. When my cell rang and I saw their number, I just figured they were putting him on some meds for arthritis and send him back home with me. I knew what the right decision was, because he had even by that time, lost any feeling from the waist to tail and was incontinent. I knew it was the right decision for him, but the worst decision for me. I knew that it would be selfish to keep him here, and suffer. I mean, what would I do to care for him? Put him in a child's wagon and pull him around? I couldn't bear to see him miserable. You just know there's no going back on that decision. And it wasn't long after his death that I started having heart and BP problems and the panic attacks. If I went to bed and was not completely exhausted, I would have horrible thoughts, or kind of "mini dreams" while drifting off to sleep. My dh has been so sweet about all of it. He didn't bat an eye when I asked to have him cremated. I knew it would be expensive, but didn't even question my request. I really don't think I would be sane right now. He knows how much I love my doggie babies.

And, you hit the nail on the head talking about donations locally. I mentioned I had gotten a puppy after I lost Sam. She is 2 yrs. old, and her name is Sissie. She's precious, and has helped me through all this. Anyway, she ended up with hemorrhagic gastroenteritis and I had to take her to the local animal ER. They were wonderful to her and me too, let me stay in the back and just be with her. Her recovery time was wonderful, and she has done fine. But a few weeks post d/c, I took her back to see the same vet, this time a social visit. I sew by hand, and had made Sissie some fleece throws and pillows to go in her kennel when she went to sleep. I made several of them and took them with us when we went to see her. She was so appreciative, and they use them in their cages. This year I think I will start a donation to the local shelter. They have a local rescue shelter for abused animals that I do buy extra food for and take out there.

Sorry it's so long, but I really appreciate your time in reading it. You helped a lot! It helps to know I'm not just plain old crazy!

Anne

[Grace Oz]

((((Anne)))) you are grief stricken, and understandably so.

Our pets are relevant and important to us and our lives.

Your Sam walked a big part of your life journey with you. Through thick and thin. His passing is a defining moment in your life and brought a change which was really out of your control.

The fact you are now experiencing physical signs is not to be underestimated as part of the real grief you feel. It IS real!

And ... it requires understanding, compassion, support, and the health issues investigated.

Rarely in this life journey, if we suffer painful loss, do we escape scott free. It might be physical, emotional, mental , whatever ...... However, it's not to be downplayed or ignored.

I encourage you to do whatever it takes to feel better again and I wish you peace and good health.

[bekindtokittens]

I can understand how you feel. I don't have dogs, but cats. My childhood cat had to be put down at age 18. I refused to go to the vet, and my mom had to go alone. I was so upset and selfish. I still have dreams about her and wake up crying. And I hope she knows how much I loved her and how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her. (My cat, I mean. I've already discussed this with Mom.)

I'm in my thirties now and have no human children. With a husband whose job takes him out of town more often than he's home, my two cat-babies are my companions and my closest friends. I talk to them constantly, know what each of their meows and chortles mean, and spoil them rotten. They are getting up there, in their teens, and I have no idea how I will cope when I eventually lose them.

No, I haven't had any physical symptoms due to losing a pet, but I have no doubt that the grief could manifest physically. I'm so sorry for your loss. Perhaps there is a pet bereavement support group in your area. My vet has fliers about these groups; maybe yours would know of some as well.

[sissiesmama, ASN, RN]

I can understand how you feel. I don't have dogs, but cats. My childhood cat had to be put down at age 18. I refused to go to the vet, and my mom had to go alone. I was so upset and selfish. I still have dreams about her and wake up crying. And I hope she knows how much I loved her and how sorry I am that I wasn't there for her. (My cat, I mean. I've already discussed this with Mom.)

I'm in my thirties now and have no human children. With a husband whose job takes him out of town more often than he's home, my two cat-babies are my companions and my closest friends. I talk to them constantly, know what each of their meows and chortles mean, and spoil them rotten. They are getting up there, in their teens, and I have no idea how I will cope when I eventually lose them.

No, I haven't had any physical symptoms due to losing a pet, but I have no doubt that the grief could manifest physically. I'm so sorry for your loss. Perhaps there is a pet bereavement support group in your area. My vet has fliers about these groups; maybe yours would know of some as well.

Me too!! I have been caught by my dh and step sons more than once talking to them. My dh understands, my s.sons think I'm a little crazy at times for it. After my 1st ex and I divorced, I moved into an apartment with the puppy. I would call my apartment phone in the middle of my shift and talk to the dog on the machine. A few times, I came in after work and he was sitting on the floor of the living room just staring at the phone. It was SO funny!!

Anne, RNC

[BinkieRN, BSN, RN]

Losing a pet IS the same as losing a child. In my opinion a pet IS a child

I "LOVE" my dog. I "REALLY" love my dog but I would not compare losing a beloved pet to losing a child. They are in no way comparable. I have lost a beloved pet and I have lost a child.

I believe that Anne losing her beloved dog Sam is more devastating to her because she loved the dog long before she had step children, which I don't doubt she loves as much as if she gave birth to them.

Depression can manifest itself in anxiety. If you're feeling anxiety related to these bouts of hypertension and/or tachycardia then maybe you should seek talk therapy and perhaps an anti-depressant. If you feel there is no anxiety involved with the the HTN or tachycardia then I would be seeing a cardiologist and get testing to try to determine what the problem is.

Best of Luck to you. Sorry about your fur baby, I truly understand (((HUGS))) :heartbeat