Getting a Spouse's Support

CMSNYC · Oct 6, 2006

I'm afraid I don't have much advice to offer you, but I certainly sympathize with your plight.

I'm looking to apply to nursing school, but have to get my pre-reqs out of the way.

Although I'm not married, I'm involved in a long-term relationship (11 years) and my boyfriend isn't the most supportive either. He doesn't care about the money (because after all, it will be my responsibility, not his). He'll claim to support me, but the minute a weekend comes when I have to study and it takes time away from him, he'll pout like a child. He already pulled this during my first year of law school. Admittedly, I wasn't as passionate about becoming a lawyer as I am about becoming a nurse, but it was frustrating and eventually I felt that I was being pulled in so many directions that I dropped out of law school after 3 months since I knew it really wasn't for me anyway.

I know since I'm not married, it's not the same, but I've found that I've needed to surround myself with other people who support me. The friends I've told have been very supportive and tell me to follow my heart and not worry about the money. I've also been able to talk to a few priests at my church who have encouraged me as well. And this board has been great too.

In any event, good luck and let us know when you start your program!

mvanz9999, RN · Oct 6, 2006

I'm divorced. Hm....this is a tough one. I decided to forego the BSN due to the cost, and pursue an ASN instead. I already have 18K in student loans and I don't want more, regardless of earning potential. One thing I've realized is that what you THINK you're going to make and what you actually make...don't always match up.

I guess if you were younger I'd say to think twice about it. Untimately you're going to have to work it out with him. I'd also figure out what your total repayments are going to be and really, really, really consider if you can afford that, or if you want to. There are a thousand student loan calculators. Although you are taking out a total of 75K, that's not what you're repaying. It will obviously be higher, depending on the term you choose.

Mistysmoke · Oct 6, 2006

hmm, well, i guess i am not much help either.

i have talked to my husband for a couple years now about going back to school, and going into nursing. when i told him i wanted to go into nursing, he asked what else i was interested in, i told him psychology.. he told me he would be more supportive of me going to school for that than nursing. that was hard to deal with, but, i continued to talk about going into nursing. it helps that his grandparents (live with us) are so supportive of me. i dont know if that helped or not, but, about a month ago he told me that if i felt that nursing is what i need to do then he would support me.

i am a stay at home mom, so i don't help out financially, so that isnt something we had to work out. i still have to go to the school and find out about financial aid and actually talk to someone there about school (i am taking baby steps).

good luck to you.

Jules A, MSN · Oct 6, 2006

I decided to forego the BSN due to the cost, and pursue an ASN instead. I already have 18K in student loans and I don't want more, regardless of earning potential. One thing I've realized is that what you THINK you're going to make and what you actually make...don't always match up.
Although you are taking out a total of 75K, that's not what you're repaying. It will obviously be higher, depending on the term you choose.

I'd have to side with your husband. I'm against quitting work and going in debt while in school. Like mvanz9999 said don't forget the interest you will owe. I'd save the money to pay for my expenses before I quit my job but thats just me and I'm not big on having any debt.

nynurse2be · Oct 6, 2006

I see your points. I think it's true that a lot of this depends on a person's comfort level with debt.

Here is what I worked out: I currently make 45k gross, about 31k net. I don't have much room for growth in my career unless I get a PhD. For a 25-30k investment, I would be able to repay that 25-30k with interest PLUS the loss of the 31k salary loss in 5-6 years.

After that, I will still have about 25 working years ahead of me. 25 years in a job with lots of opportunities for growth, and one that would continue to outpace my current career path.

Also, we don't live an extravagant life. We have a small home, used cars, I don't have expensive tastes - not into jewelry, etc. So where other people may spend 30k for an SUV, or buy the house with the extra bathroom, we don't. The point I'm making is that it is very easy to spend 30k on something much less important than education.

I really, really appreciate this feedback, b/c it is helping me understand where my husband is coming from. Please let me know if I'm making any sense. :nuke: Thank you!!!!!!!

sdmommie · Oct 6, 2006

I think that you should follow your dream. I can see not wanting to get into more debt, but this is more of an investment in your future. It's easy to spend 30K on very little these days. You never know what the future holds and now is the time to pursue it. It's definitely better to do all this before kids FOR SURE! You could even look into loan forgiveness programs. You are in a position that (believe or not) some of us envy. I am a SAHM and would jump at the chance to get into a BSN program (and pay $30K) for it. My husband is supportive of me going to nursing school, but not putting kids in daycare at all to do it. That doesn't leave me much choice. You have a lot of choices.

catzy5 · Oct 7, 2006

I am applying to an accelerated BSN program that begins next June. I believe I have a good chance of getting in.
If I am accepted, I would need to quit my job. And there is the trouble....
I feel like my husband will not be in board with this. I already have 45k in student loans, and will need to take out another 25-30k for tuition and living expenses for the 1 year BSN.
Personally, I feel the 75k total debt will be worth it, both for having a job I love, and for the increase in salary from what I am making now (45k) to what I can safely assume I will make as a nurse (65k to start - NYC).
My husband FREAKS when he hears about more debt. I am really despairing of having to "talk him into" me going to nursing school.
Has anyone else been in this position?
We have no children, are in our mid-30's, and I just feel like if ever there was a time to do this, it's now.

I don't know I would probably freak too thats a lot of debt, you will have to seriously work this out with your husband. Have you thought about looking into getting work at a hospital? Many will support your desire to go back to school either 100% or a good portion, but you have to sign a contract to give them so much time after. It might be a way of atleast compromising with your husband.

mvanz9999, RN · Oct 7, 2006

.. he told me he would be more supportive of me going to school for that [psychology] than nursing.

can you explain the reasoning behind this logic? i'd be waaaaaay more supportive of a nurse than a psychologist. better job prospects imo.

nynurse2be: it sounds like you've already considered a lot of these points (which i assumed you did since you are not 18). i guess the issue is now one of husband problems. the only thing i can say in general is that men tend to worry more about the future. hmmm....if you've already explained all this to him, i'm not really sure what the problem is.

nynurse2be · Oct 7, 2006

We had a preliminary talk last night. I told him I wanted to do an accelerated program, and how it would mean not working for 12 months, plus the cost of tuition. He asked a few questions, thought some, and we ended with he'll think about it some more.

To the person who asked about working at a hospital: where I live there are not programs for becoming an RN, but there are RN-BSN programs for employees. There are tuition reimbursement programs, but I want to do this in the next year or two, not three or four, b/c we want to have a child.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I can see how differently people feel about this, and it helps to understand my husband's perspective. Thanks again.

ETA: Someone wrote to me about how if I died my spouse would be responsible for my student loan debt. Not entirely true - federally funded loans are not transferrable to a spouse unless they co-signed (mine is undergrad debt, pre-spouse) or the couple has consolidated their joint student loan debt. Private bank loans are another matter.

Jules A, MSN · Oct 7, 2006

Well, ummm, I wasn't thinking that drastic but especially if you are thinking about having a child I can't imagine wanting to have that debt looming over you. A baby costs a lot and also inhibits your ability to work or increases your bills for child care. What if you or your husband become ill? I know its hard to imagine but as you get into your late 30's, early 40's that is often when health issues raise their ugly head.

It sounds like your mind is made up and mybe its just me, but again, no way I'm giving up a years worth of my salary and living on loans, unless its a year long hiatus in the Bahamas, lol. Seriously though please keep in mind that money problems can be the #1 reason marriages run into trouble so I'd make sure your hubby is on board and not just folding to your arguments. Good luck!

nynurse2be · Oct 7, 2006

Jules, perhaps you really are trying to be helpful, but you sound quite condescending with your life lessons on children and marriage.

I guess agreeing to disagree was too much to ask and you had to get personal.

Thanks to everyone else for offering their take on the situation.