Getting attached to patients

allnurses Guide · Apr 10, 2010

Gah, that is hard. Probably practice practice practice. Make sure you give any updates you have to his nurse so you can feel good about leaving, that she has the ultimate last update?

And then go out for pancakes with your classmates and talk about why this patient was so awesome and recognize the sacredness of learning to care for the human spirit on the level you are. I think learning to set that boundary is something we will develop as we progress. Its hard, I agree.

~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN · Apr 10, 2010

I am having a very hard time in clinicals because I am so attached to some of these patients. I had a patient today who did NOT want me to leave. I told that patient that it was nice working with them today and that I will check back with them when I am back. He held onto my hand and didn't want me to leave. Really, it's breaking my heart. He has no other visitors and does not want to join in any activities. I feel like I need to get "over" the emotional attachment. Any suggestions? How do you become attached enough to give the best care but detached enough to not become an emotional basketcase? Thanks in advance to any replys.

I become very attached to some as well and have lost 2 that I did, I think it does get a little easier to cope with, but I think it's ok to to get attached and care and actually a good thing as long as your aren't letting it interfere with doing your work if that makes sense. I would like to share a story with you,

You will have the opportunity to make a difference in someones life. When I did my LTC clinicals I went to do a physical assessment on a woman that was new to the facility. She started talking to me and you could tell that she was desperate to talk to someone, there was something that was in her voice, so I listened, I listened and I listened. I in an hour learned so much about this lady. It was great, I had the time and she was just so excited to have someone listen to her. She kept apologizing for taking my time and saying how I probably have important things I need to do and not wasting my time on her, I told her absolutely not, she was my patient and I was more then happy to listen to her. I learned about her life, her children her grandchildren, she said how she was ready to die, she lived a good life, I got the feeling she was not happy to be there and was upset with her daughter for putting her in the home. Her biggest fear was being alone and that was the hardest part for her. Since I was a student I was able to take that time with her, LTC clinicals for us were more about learning to get comfortable with patients and learn communication, so I was allowed to spend time with her, it was encouraged for us to really get to know our patients.

Anyway, I fell in love with this lady, I was so excited to see her the next week. I told her I would be back and she made me promise, I told her I would and we marked on her calendar when I would. The next week I came back and was so excited to get in and see her, I knew she would be really happy for me to be there. So we are listening to report and the night nurse said she had taken a turn for the worse and was unresponsive. As soon as report was done I went to see her and my heart dropped when I walked in the room. I had never been around someone that was dying like that and she was only in there because her daughter could no longer care for her, but she wasn't like ill at the time. This was completely unexpected. Anyway, I walked in and I just knew she was going to die that day, she wasn't modeling yet but she did have the Cheyne Stokes breathing but you could just see it. She was already a thin woman and the looked like she lost 30 lbs from the week before. She wasn't responding to anything. I had to step out of the room, I started tearing up and I was MAD. I was so upset for letting myself get attached to someone, I was so upset that this is why I didn't want to work with "old" people, you get attached and listen to their life stories and grow to care and then they just go and die. Death is something I have not had to deal much with in life, I am only close to very few people. Those people that I would devastated if they died and it would be life altering for me. The people I have lost, it was sad and hard to believe, but I was ok. I actually felt a stronger connection with this lady then I did some of the family I have lost.

So anyway, I was upset and mad and I went to go take a moment for myself, I went and talked to my instructor, told her why I was upset, I was crying but not like loud crying, I couldn't keep the tears from flowing but I was composed if that makes sense. So my instructor talked to me and told me how I made a difference in this womans life and how great that was and that I would know that I touched someones life and stuff. At that moment it hit me, this woman was so afraid of being alone and admitted to me she wanted to die but held on because she felt she was giving up and letting people down if she let go but she said she was ready to see her husband and her grandson that was like her son and her other son up in heaven. Now this lady was going to be left in a room to just die alone scared.

So I asked my instructor if me and a few of my classmates that I knew also liked this lady could take turns sitting with her so that she wouldn't be alone. My instructor said that was great and we took turns in hour rotations sitting there talking to her and comforting her. Well I let my friend go first so I could gather my self and prepare myself better. As much as I was angry and upset for letting myself get attached and I didn't want this woman to die because I was looking forward to spending time with her, I realized that wasn't important, what was important is I had an obligation to this woman, she had just taught me so much without even me realizing it yet, and here was my chance to help her. She wanted to go, she was scared she was alone and those were things I COULD help with. When I went in for my turn I said Hi "Darlene" I told you I would be back. She turned her head to my voice. That was the first response she had shown since the night before. I knew she knew it was me, I sat and held her hand and talked to her, told her it was my turn to talk her ear off and she even had a hint of a smile. (we had a snarky day that one day, so I knew she would laugh and not be offended) she was still pretty out of it but she knew I was there and she was hearing me.

While I was in there her daughter came in, they had called her to tell her the situation. I introduced myself and was excusing myself so they could have time together. The daughter told me "so your the one". I looked at her puzzled. She said that her mom had called her after our talk and told her about me and how happy she was and how she couldn't wait to talk to me and that I would be back in that next week. I was so shocked. I didn't realize I made an impression on this lady as much as she had on me. The daughter was telling me she just wished mom would let go and be happy. That she knew it's what she wanted and she knows it's time. So after a bit the daughter came and asked if I could go back in with her mom so she could start making phone calls and arrangements, she said that she had said her goodbyes to her mom and was at peace with everything. So I sat again with "Darlene" and she was holding my hand and squeezing it again and I said to her. "It's ok Darlene, you can let go, go be with your husband and your son and grandson. You aren't letting anyone down and it's your time. It will be ok. Go be happy" She squeezed my hand again. It was time for me to go and so I got someone else to come in. I got in my car and cried. I felt so selfish, but I knew it would be ok and I knew it was for the best. She died right after I left.

It was hard, I was sad, but I looked at the positive in it. I was able to make a difference in this womans life, I was able to help her and give her comfort so she could be free. As hard as it was for me, it was good for her and at the end of the day, it's the patient I'm here for.

The next patient I lost was in the hospital, I won't go into the long story, but it wasn't as hard as the first, and knowing the positive of what I had done, made it ok. I had to accept I can't FIX people, I can't change the outcomes they might have, I can't change their life outside of the hospital if they are in a bad situation, I can try to help to an extent but what I can do, I can make a difference while they are with me and I can be there for them and support them anyway I can while they are in my care. I can at least in that moment, be the sun in their gray skies.

I know that sounds corny, but that is how I manage without becoming a basketcase.

Sorry for my post being so long, but I hope it helped a little :)

Caring is not a bad thing and the great thing about nursing is we ARE allowed to care about our patients.

Faith213 · Apr 10, 2010

I become very attached to some as well and have lost 2 that I did, I think it does get a little easier to cope with, but I think it's ok to to get attached and care and actually a good thing as long as your aren't letting it interfere with doing your work if that makes sense. I would like to share a story with you,
You will have the opportunity to make a difference in someones life. When I did my LTC clinicals I went to do a physical assessment on a woman that was new to the facility. She started talking to me and you could tell that she was desperate to talk to someone, there was something that was in her voice, so I listened, I listened and I listened. I in an hour learned so much about this lady. It was great, I had the time and she was just so excited to have someone listen to her. She kept apologizing for taking my time and saying how I probably have important things I need to do and not wasting my time on her, I told her absolutely not, she was my patient and I was more then happy to listen to her. I learned about her life, her children her grandchildren, she said how she was ready to die, she lived a good life, I got the feeling she was not happy to be there and was upset with her daughter for putting her in the home. Her biggest fear was being alone and that was the hardest part for her. Since I was a student I was able to take that time with her, LTC clinicals for us were more about learning to get comfortable with patients and learn communication, so I was allowed to spend time with her, it was encouraged for us to really get to know our patients.
Anyway, I fell in love with this lady, I was so excited to see her the next week. I told her I would be back and she made me promise, I told her I would and we marked on her calendar when I would. The next week I came back and was so excited to get in and see her, I knew she would be really happy for me to be there. So we are listening to report and the night nurse said she had taken a turn for the worse and was unresponsive. As soon as report was done I went to see her and my heart dropped when I walked in the room. I had never been around someone that was dying like that and she was only in there because her daughter could no longer care for her, but she wasn't like ill at the time. This was completely unexpected. Anyway, I walked in and I just knew she was going to die that day, she wasn't modeling yet but she did have the Cheyne Stokes breathing but you could just see it. She was already a thin woman and the looked like she lost 30 lbs from the week before. She wasn't responding to anything. I had to step out of the room, I started tearing up and I was MAD. I was so upset for letting myself get attached to someone, I was so upset that this is why I didn't want to work with "old" people, you get attached and listen to their life stories and grow to care and then they just go and die. Death is something I have not had to deal much with in life, I am only close to very few people. Those people that I would devastated if they died and it would be life altering for me. The people I have lost, it was sad and hard to believe, but I was ok. I actually felt a stronger connection with this lady then I did some of the family I have lost.
So anyway, I was upset and mad and I went to go take a moment for myself, I went and talked to my instructor, told her why I was upset, I was crying but not like loud crying, I couldn't keep the tears from flowing but I was composed if that makes sense. So my instructor talked to me and told me how I made a difference in this womans life and how great that was and that I would know that I touched someones life and stuff. At that moment it hit me, this woman was so afraid of being alone and admitted to me she wanted to die but held on because she felt she was giving up and letting people down if she let go but she said she was ready to see her husband and her grandson that was like her son and her other son up in heaven. Now this lady was going to be left in a room to just die alone scared.
So I asked my instructor if me and a few of my classmates that I knew also liked this lady could take turns sitting with her so that she wouldn't be alone. My instructor said that was great and we took turns in hour rotations sitting there talking to her and comforting her. Well I let my friend go first so I could gather my self and prepare myself better. As much as I was angry and upset for letting myself get attached and I didn't want this woman to die because I was looking forward to spending time with her, I realized that wasn't important, what was important is I had an obligation to this woman, she had just taught me so much without even me realizing it yet, and here was my chance to help her. She wanted to go, she was scared she was alone and those were things I COULD help with. When I went in for my turn I said Hi "Darlene" I told you I would be back. She turned her head to my voice. That was the first response she had shown since the night before. I knew she knew it was me, I sat and held her hand and talked to her, told her it was my turn to talk her ear off and she even had a hint of a smile. (we had a snarky day that one day, so I knew she would laugh and not be offended) she was still pretty out of it but she knew I was there and she was hearing me. While I was in there her daughter came in, they had called her to tell her the situation. I introduced myself and was excusing myself so they could have time together. The daughter told me "so your the one". I looked at her puzzled. She said that her mom had called her after our talk and told her about me and how happy she was and how she couldn't wait to talk to me and that I would be back in that next week. I was so shocked. I didn't realize I made an impression on this lady as much as she had on me. The daughter was telling me she just wished mom would let go and be happy. That she knew it's what she wanted and she knows it's time. So after a bit the daughter came and asked if I could go back in with her mom so she could start making phone calls and arrangements, she said that she had said her goodbyes to her mom and was at peace with everything. So I sat again with "Darlene" and she was holding my hand and squeezing it again and I said to her. "It's ok Darlene, you can let go, go be with your husband and your son and grandson. You aren't letting anyone down and it's your time. It will be ok. Go be happy" She squeezed my hand again. It was time for me to go and so I got someone else to come in. I got in my car and cried. I felt so selfish, but I knew it would be ok and I knew it was for the best. She died right after I left.
It was hard, I was sad, but I looked at the positive in it. I was able to make a difference in this womans life, I was able to help her and give her comfort so she could be free. As hard as it was for me, it was good for her and at the end of the day, it's the patient I'm here for.
The next patient I lose was in the hospital, I won't go into the long story, but it wasn't as hard as the first, and knowing the positive of what I had done, made it ok. I had to accept I can't FIX people, I can't change the outcomes they might have, I can't change their life outside of the hospital if they are in a bad situation, I can try to help to an extent but what I can do, I can make a difference while they are with me and I can be there for them and support them anyway I can while they are in my care. I can at least in that moment, be the sun in their gray skies.
I know that sounds corny, but that is how I manage without becoming a basketcase.
Sorry for my post being so long, but I hope it helped a little :)
Caring is not a bad thing and the great thing about nursing is we ARE allowed to care about our patients.

An absolutely beautiful story. Thanks for sharing! :)

CBsMommy · Apr 10, 2010

Thanks Mi Vida Loca -

You are so wise! Thanks for sharing your story. It makes me feel that I am not alone with the "crying" aspect as I had to excuse myself to the bathroom yesterday (although I don't think anyone noticed that I was crying). I did cry all the home in my car though. When I go back this next week, I will make sure that I stop by and say hi to this man. I think that I will make myself a regular visitor for him so that he has at least one person that will come in and make his life a little better. Thanks again, that made me feel so much better!

~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN · Apr 10, 2010

Thanks Mi Vida Loca -
You are so wise! Thanks for sharing your story. It makes me feel that I am not alone with the "crying" aspect as I had to excuse myself to the bathroom yesterday (although I don't think anyone noticed that I was crying). I did cry all the home in my car though. When I go back this next week, I will make sure that I stop by and say hi to this man. I think that I will make myself a regular visitor for him so that he has at least one person that will come in and make his life a little better. Thanks again, that made me feel so much better!

I am glad I could help. :) That is great you are willing to do that for him.

Nurse3000 · Feb 20, 2016

this is hard, feel like that wth quite a few of my patients, i get a bit upset or teary but at this point in time a lady i love, she is the 90 yr old granny i never had, (... nanny died when she was early 60s and i miss her!) and then the lady next to the 90yr old... 70-something dying of CA.. reminded me of my granny.. and they're one of kind.. old style ladies... so nice and smart... Mrs. L. O i love her! i wish i could take her home with me :) its sad cause she wanted to go low care, but has to go high cause of her AMI she had weeks earlier and theyre afraid for her.. she keeps on getting BP drops in the morning. i'll miss her when she goes off to her respite on monday! 2 days! she knows i think shes funny!

Jessica.biancia · Aug 19, 2017

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am a nursing student and just got so attached to a patient. He reminds me of my father when my father gets older and I do the same thing, peek into his room often to check on him, make sure he feels loved, etc. He recently got a supra-pubic catheter bc he has prostate cancer, but don't that fool you this man is 98 & livelyyyyy....a huge flirt and ladies man. Lol I just adore his personality. I just hugged him today and he gave me a kiss on the cheek while I was hugging him...like how a father would kiss his daughter on the cheek that he was happy to see. I gently woke him up today bc he just wasn't looking alert how he normally looks for mid-day. However when I woke him up he was all smiles. Anyway, after I left his room to take care of others I saw the doc come in his room about an hour later and it seemed urgent and they closed the door and I overheard her ask if he was a full code. They found blood in his catheter and it was a reasonable amount and his blood pressure dropped from this morning. It was still within normal range but low for him and low enough to know that something could have been going on. So the doc ordered for him to go to the hospital to get checked. The transporters came to take him to the hospital from the nursing home bc that's what this nursing home does when they want things checked out, as you know. I looked at how the EMS was getting him and they werent bad but it seemed like they were just going through the motions without greeting him or anything. I walked up to him and rubbed his head and told him where they were taking him and of course saw that heart warming smile. I let them know that he was a ladies man & he replied, "I sure am." lol I felt the need to do this to humanize him to the EMS people bc often times we as people can become so routine that we may forget that this elderly person (or any patient at that) may need that reassurance that they are not alone, that they are in caring hands or they may need something to calm them & give hope that everything will be ok. So I left today just worried with teary eyes sad that I may not see that smile or feel that joyful spirit again. But I made sure I got my hug before I left. So yes attached. Thank you for sharing your story so I know I'm not the only one. For the first time I understand the attachment that can happen. Going to pray on having the right balance of it. Also, I guess it's a good thing to care bc if/when you stop caring you may need to get another job or look into another career.

TypicalStudentNurse · Aug 29, 2017

Remember fundamentals and not giving into codependency situations. Remember your role. I would suggest trying to ease him out of his room so he can interact with others besides you. I often tell patients like this "I shall stop in and check on you but I have to make sure everyone gets a piece of me today! Im just to fun! lol" or something light hearted to make him laugh. He sounds scared and lonely. I know it is so hard to walk away but you have to remember your other patients and how you could cause them harm....REMEMBER CAUSE NO HARM....always. And if you neglect their needs for an others wants....you could cause issues. But you sounds like a caring person who truly is hurting...it isnt an easy job but thats not why you did it!!! i get it....just follow that advice and realize you are only human.

hooliebug, BSN, RN · Aug 30, 2017

Remember why you're there: to help people, not add to their distress. Giving all of yourself to someone for 12 hours and then snatching away that sense of all-encompassing comfort you've created at the end of a shift is not only unhealthy for you, it creates an unhealthy attachment in the patient. You cannot fill the emotional voids of all of your patients or you'll have nothing left for yourself at the end of the day, and you'll burn yourself out before you graduate. Maybe if you begin your day by telling yourself to temper your empathy with a little business-oriented logic it'll help you from getting too attached.