Why do spouses "freak out" about us going to nursing school?

[luluann]

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if anyone else is having some relationship problems. My husband is a good guy, but lately, the last couple of years our relationship has just been getting farther and farther apart. (Since I really got serious about school) Now, it's gotten so far apart that I just recently found out he has been talking to and seeing a woman "friend" in another state. (He drives truck) He says it's not a physical thing (and I DO believe him) however, it's still an emotional thing because he talks to her about alot of things that he is obviously NOT sharing with ME!

When I found out, he said the biggest reason is that he can't talk to me anymore, he feels resentful of me going to school fulltime and not being able to contribute financially and that I am CHANGING as a person. I don't see myself changing at all! I will admit, that I have made new friends..but that does not change who I am. I now share the same interests with these people, something he has made clear that he does NOT. That's also one of the biggest reasons I come here, so that I can share with others who are in the same/similar situations and who actually WANT to hear about my clinical "experiences".

He has been trying hard to be a better husband, and he has ended the relationship with her, but we have a long way to go. (Trust issues obviously) I asked if he wanted me to quit school and he was adamant that I NOT. He said even if he has to drag me there and chain me to a desk all week I am going. I have another 22 months of nursing school to go and this could be a VERY long haul. I guess I am fearful that he will put me through school and then when I can financially stand on my own, he will say that our marriage is over. He says that he has no intention of that happening...but right now I don't know if I believe him.

Anyone else ever been in a similar situation? Thanks for letting me relieve a little anxiety, I know that he loves me and he realizes that I am doing this for the good of the family down the line, but it can be hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, especially when you feel the tunnel is closing in on you. As I am sure that is how he feels.

[cpgrn]

Nursing school is hard on a relationship. I got divorced while in nursing school and so did a lot of other people. Actually the instructors stated that this would happen. I think its threatening to a spouse when you try to grow. In my case there was no saving it, but I'm much happier now with my husband of 5 and 1/2years than I ever was or would be with him. Things happen for a reason I guess.

[Heath82371]

Julie,

I was wondering what you decided to do about leaving teaching to go into nursing.

To the others:

I am mental health therapist with a graduate degree. I have decided to go into nursing (provided I get in somewhere). My husband is totally supportive but perhaps it is because he is also a student (CRNA program). I would to suggest to those who are having marital problems to seek martial counseling. It is natural for these husbands to resent their wives but I think it is likely b/c these men are scared that they are going to loose their wives. These men are insecure and need to be reassured that you (the wife) have no intention of leaving them. In some cases it may be that the husband is jealous of the time commitment nursing school requires. I hope this helps and good luck to those with marital woes.

[julieK]

Heath82371,

I was a teacher in Israel for several years and, even though I enjoyed it very much, it just wasn't suited to me. I didn't feel connected to it, and, in many ways, I had gone into teaching because I didn't think I could do anything else. I feel much more passionate about nursing.

I think my husband has come around because, even with all the stress related to my nursing school (I'm in an accelerated program and it's extremely intense) I'm a much happier person.

I don't think my issues are similiar to the ones being discussed here. My husband's an MD so I don't think my going to nursing school is exactly threatening to him. I certainly will never earn as much as he does. I think he's just sort of old-fashioned in that why do I need to go back to school if I already have a perfectly good degree? I understand his way of thinking (I *do* wish that I had thought of this the first time around), but this is life and you can't give up your dreams just because of practicality. We all only get one shot at happiness and we owe it to ourselves to make a go of it.

-Julie in NYC

[researchrabbit]

I wanted to go to nursing school when I was married. He didn't want me to (I also had a teaching degree, but he didn't want me to teach, either). I think that for him, neither degree was prestigious enough.

We later divorced and I immediately enrolled in nursing school. :)

From what I observed with my fellow students:

Men who have a lot of control issues have more problems with a woman who goes back to school than those who don't.

Some spouses who do their darndest to dissuade you in the beginning become your biggest support and help when they realize how determined you are.

If a marriage is already rocky when you start, it'll get worse.

If you have a strong marriage and a spouse who wants the best for you, you'll get through with your marriage intact or even stronger.

[essarge]

Wow...quite a bit of this sounds familiar. I too am one of the "statistics" of divorced when in nursing school. This does not happen to everyone, but it is very very tough on a relationship.

A little history about myself: Started LPN school, husband threatened to leave....quit school. Started RN school....husband threatened to leave...quite school. Did mostly bartending and waitressing but realized (finally) that there really wasn't any satisfaction or retirement in it. Finally made up my mine that it was now or never. I do want to interject that I got divorced from one and remarried another and the pattern was the same. When I started this time, everything was fine and dandy until he realized that I was NOT going to quit.

It didn't matter how many times I told him that I was not only doing this for me but for us and our future as well....he "couldn't handle it". Complained that I never had time to go out anymore. The funny thing about it was that we never had time for that anyway!! LOL!

Sooooo....back to divorce court again. But this time I DID NOT QUIT nor was I going to let him get away with trying to sabotage me....therefore...he now has to pay me alimony until 6 months after I graduate and the same with medical insurance which does not make him a happy camper. Oh well, now I am doing it ALL for me!!!! And I have decided that never again will a man dictate how I live my life.

By the way, I am happier now than I have been in a very long time and much to many of my friends chagrin actually enjoy being single and in total control of my life. I have learned a valuable lesson and it took me 47 years to do that. We make our own choices and fear is a factor in almost all of them. Now my fear factor is diminished 10 fold (except for exams! LOL!) and I am healthier, happier and living my life the way, I believe, I am meant to live it right now.

I hope this helps someone realize that you don't have to do ANYTHING for anyone else. Do it for you!!

[jschut, BSN, RN]

My hubby also got resentful when I was in school. He complained I didn't have enought ime for him, he complained all I ever did was study, he complained about the house, he complained about the kids...it never stopped. But yet when we were in front of people, he was bragging his pants off!

Funny thing is, he still complains and he still grumps about the same things usually....now he has an added bonus....he complains about my hours I work as a nurse (7p-7a).

Sure doesn't complain when the paycheck comes in though!

If you can hang in there, it should ease up....

I pray it does for you....

Best of all to you and for you!

Many hugs~

:)

[Asiancutie]

my husband doesn't seem to be 100% behind me on my decision to go to nursing school.

i think its because he knows several nurses who quit their jobs and decide to be full time housewives after several years. really makes you wonder whether nursing is a good career or not.

[Robin61970]

My husband was 100 % supportive of me....finished all pre-reqs in a year and a half......applied for the nursing program and the day after the first test of the semester he left me. It has come out that he felt like a nanny and housekeeper because of all the work I put into school.....I did not try to balance things and we had no time together because of it. He has his own place and I have mine now.....we talk every morning and every night. We try to see each other at least twice a week and email each other a few times a week. We have made the commitment to try to work our problems out, but I didn't realize or even think about the way he was feeling because I was so wrapped up in my grades and school. I am not going to quit....I will finish, but I am going to work on my marriage while doing it.....Good Luck to you!

[Asiancutie]

i don't understand that. if my husband proposes that he is going to study to be a doctor, i will make sacrifices to make his dream come true...

[frannybee]

I'd been living with my partner for 2 years by the time I started my training. When we first got together I was studying music and performing internationally and within a few months I'd given it up. At the time I could have sworn he hadn't had anything to do with it, but in that 20/20 hindsight we all have, I realise he resented the time I spent away from him and the time I spent at uni rehearsing and discouraged it.

When I quit music I started working in disability care and nursing homes. I did this for 2 years and caught the nursing bug while funding his smoking, drinking and pig-shooting weekends with his mates. He never held a job down for more than a few weeks - he'd either repeatedly turn up late and get fired, or call in sick repeatedly and get the sack, or just quit because he didn't like it. I worked 6 part-time jobs for 6 months of that time because one of us had to be getting money in - he was too lazy to even get on the dole queue. I put up with all of this because I loved him and was scared he'd leave me if I told him to get his finger out and get a job. I finally got the courage up to apply for nursing training and when I got in, rather than congratulate me, he asked me if I could cope with training while I worked. Not, "I'll get a job this time so you can better your life", but, "How are we going to live if you have to stop working?"

The cracks were starting to show by then and when it came time to start, I moved into a shared house to be closer to uni. A month later he went out bush to work and I had time and silence to think about what I wanted. Not surprisingly, I decided I didn't want him. We broke up just 12 weeks into my training, a week before my 21st birthday. It had been obvious for a long time that we didn't have anywhere near the same ambitions, dreams or outlook on life, but I'd been too pig-headed to see it. I'm now with a gorgeous bloke who supports me in my career, has actively me encouraged me to go for my Masters degree and is furthering his own education to Masters level so he can get a visa and we can go home to Australia together.

:imbar That was a lot longer than I had intended - guess there's a few unresolved issues there.

Edited to say that yes, I am working full-time while Jim is studying, but he's on a sponsored program that pays him a small wage (equivalent to a bad job) and pays his fees. It also guarantees him a job at the end of it all.

[Ortho_RN]

Luckily my husband is still VERY supportive... I know he gets tired of eating pizza and easy quick dinners... Gets tired of the laundry getting done like once every 2wks (or until he says "Im out of underwear) ....

He knows that it is gonna benefit us in the end, so he is dealing with it... But he sure is ready for December :)lol

[Nurse2BinNC]

"(luckily my husband is still very supportive... i know he gets tired of eating pizza and easy quick dinners... gets tired of the laundry getting done like once every 2wks (or until he says "im out of underwear) ....

he knows that it is gonna benefit us in the end, so he is dealing with it... but he sure is ready for december lol)

this sounds just like my house, :chuckle

lucky for me, i too have a very supportive husband. when we got married 7 years ago, i had a career in banking and finance. he was very supportive of that, but now that he knows how much nursing means to me, he does almost anything to make things easy for me. i also have a very supportive and patient 12 year old daughter (yes they actually exist) that also helps out alot. she sees dollar signs in her future, she keeps asking if she can have different things when i go to work as a nurse.