Why do spouses "freak out" about us going to nursing school?

[luluann]

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if anyone else is having some relationship problems. My husband is a good guy, but lately, the last couple of years our relationship has just been getting farther and farther apart. (Since I really got serious about school) Now, it's gotten so far apart that I just recently found out he has been talking to and seeing a woman "friend" in another state. (He drives truck) He says it's not a physical thing (and I DO believe him) however, it's still an emotional thing because he talks to her about alot of things that he is obviously NOT sharing with ME!

When I found out, he said the biggest reason is that he can't talk to me anymore, he feels resentful of me going to school fulltime and not being able to contribute financially and that I am CHANGING as a person. I don't see myself changing at all! I will admit, that I have made new friends..but that does not change who I am. I now share the same interests with these people, something he has made clear that he does NOT. That's also one of the biggest reasons I come here, so that I can share with others who are in the same/similar situations and who actually WANT to hear about my clinical "experiences".

He has been trying hard to be a better husband, and he has ended the relationship with her, but we have a long way to go. (Trust issues obviously) I asked if he wanted me to quit school and he was adamant that I NOT. He said even if he has to drag me there and chain me to a desk all week I am going. I have another 22 months of nursing school to go and this could be a VERY long haul. I guess I am fearful that he will put me through school and then when I can financially stand on my own, he will say that our marriage is over. He says that he has no intention of that happening...but right now I don't know if I believe him.

Anyone else ever been in a similar situation? Thanks for letting me relieve a little anxiety, I know that he loves me and he realizes that I am doing this for the good of the family down the line, but it can be hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, especially when you feel the tunnel is closing in on you. As I am sure that is how he feels.

[Cynthiann]

Originally posted by luluann

Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories with me. It makes a huge difference to me to know that I am NOT alone in these feelings. My husband & I are doing alot of talking, and we both realize that our relationship took a down turn about a year before I actually started school heavily. So I guess you can say its been sliding downhill for about 2 years now.

If your relationship was having problems before you started school then the stress of school will only aggravate the problem. Good luck and hope you two work things out.

[suzielee]

men get very threatened when they feel they are losing control. A well educated woman with good earning potential screams independence. If men cant be supportive of a womans decisions to improve her own lot in life they need to do some self reflecting on why. Dont give up your dream. If your husband cant be supportive (and see the benefits he will reap) %$#@*% him. Men are like buses- theres always another one just down the street! Life is short-dont sell out!

[NurseWeasel]

Went to a counselor many years ago, Mister wouldn't go. First thing the counselor asked me was whether or not I was capable of supporting myself and my children on my own. I kinda snorted with laughter and said "of course not"... I was in college, I had never worked, and I had 2 kids under 5. He kindly and wisely suggested that, in the words of Jean Luc Picard, I "make it so".

Best advice I ever got, and I highly recommend that action to all concerned. It just puts you on a whole different playing field.

I never did leave my man, although within a year of that counseling session I could have supported myself and the kids. I was lucky enough to have a man who saw the big picture and the worth of an intact family... at least for us in our situation. Not that it's been a bed of roses (or maybe it has... there have certainly been a few thorns along the way, lol), but we're still married and happy, and our kids have had the benefit of both parents in the same house (getting along) for all these years. Not that I'm advocating intact families for all, by any means! It's just worked out that way for us.

We both feel secure knowing that if I chose to, I could support myself and the kids on my own... but I choose not to. Does that make sense? Never until it was pointed out to me did I realize what a vulnerable position I was in. I was very young and had never taken care of myself before - times when I maybe would have walked away from the marriage I was stopped by the fear that I wouldn't be able to make it on my own. For better or worse, I stayed. I'm thankful that I did, now, but the power that comes from knowing you CAN be alright on your own is almost indescribable.

I think that's another thing that scares the hubbies. They know that you're on your way to being self-sufficient and you'll no longer NEED them. Couple that with the personality changes that come with critical thinking, decision making, etc as you learn in nursing school, and no wonder this is a big change and very scary for the men who are used to the dependent, subservient wife. Hmmm. Food for thought, isn't it?

[cna on her way]

I am a freshman in school as well, doing the general courses first and waiting for an acceptance letter. Myhusband has been pretty supportive so far. He really wants me to get my nursing and to be happy. I think that he is ready for me to actually earn a decent living. I make like half of what he does now and he's anxious to see a big increase. I put off school myself until my kids were both in school. My baby is in prek now and will attend kindergarten this fall so I am ready to get back full time myself. My family will always remain number one to me. But I can't imagine my husband becoming unsupportive and jealous of school. We try to understand each other and be honest about our feelings. I have been married for 10 years now and was only 19 when I got married. But I don't long for independance and he knows that. I am my own person and he is his own person. So I hope that we survive this school things with minimal scarring.

[GraceyB]

My boyfriend is very supportive right now and I am not in school yet. He tells me that he is behind me 150% and he will understand all the study time, the ignoring him and will steer clear when I am cranking from studying late. I hope that while I am in school that he stays as supportive as he is now. I should get a tape recorder just case he gets into the 'you're ignoring me' phase. LOL