Rn dealing with own family member illness.

City-Girl · Oct 30, 2018

Under FMLA there is a provision for intermittent leave to help care for spouse, child or parent. Not sure if this is helpful information for you individual circumstances, but here's a couple of links: FAQs: FMLA - Wage and Hour Division (WHD) - U.S. Department of Labor Intermittent Leave Under the FMLA - The Basics | Mintz

You could also check with your HR dept. to see if your place of employment has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) for times of stress or crisis

CharleeFoxtrot, BSN, RN · Oct 30, 2018

Under FMLA there is a provision for intermittent leave to help care for spouse, child or parent. Not sure if this is helpful information for you individual circumstances, but here's a couple of links: FAQs: FMLA - Wage and Hour Division (WHD) - U.S. Department of Labor Intermittent Leave Under the FMLA - The Basics | Mintz
You could also check with your HR dept. to see if your place of employment has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) for times of stress or crisis

Can't like this enough, it's what got me through something very similar to the OPs situation.

AceOfHearts<3 · Oct 31, 2018

I don't have anything helpful to add, but I just wanted to send a hug. We always talk about how important self-care is for the family of our patients and it's ok to put yourself first too. I know it's always easier said than done, but we shouldn't feel guilty when we need time off work (for illness, injury, mental health, etc.). I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

AnnieOaklyRN, BSN, RN, EMT-P · Oct 31, 2018

Hello,

My stepfather was diagnosed with lung CA just before my second semester of nursing school, so I left school (it was already metastatic and I knew it would be terminal) with the idea they would let me back in the following year, which they did. I have no regrets and feel the valuable time spent with him and helping to care for him was far more important.

I would talk to your nurse manager about the situation, as I am sure she will be empathetic, and may let you take some time off to spend with you dad. You don't want to regret working and not saying to him what you need to say, or spending time just being by his side, or worse having him die while you are not there.

Annie

totallackofsurprise · Nov 2, 2018

What everybody else said x10.

My stepfather, with whom I was close, worsened (metastatic prostate cancer) and died on hospice during my probationary period at my 1st job out of nursing school. I could not take extra time off although at least I was only working 3 12s per week. It was very tough, but nowhere near as tough as when my mom's ca took a bad turn for the worse 2 years later. At that time, so many terribly resentful thoughts went through my head -- why am I here with this whiny patient when I should've been there for her; why can we pull junkies back from circling the drain, but my mom had to die; these ungrateful patients should have been taken, not my mother...

And then when I did get patients with ca in obviously dire straits, I could barely hold the tears back because I knew what was coming for them and their families even when they didn't. And I knew there was nothing we could do about it.

It was bad. Really bad. I realize now that those were completely normal and understandable thoughts, but I felt terribly guilty about having them even as I grew more stressed and resentful on the job. I contacted our EAP, was referred to a counselor, and was able to vent, rage, cry, break down and make it through my work days despite deep grief and depression for more than a year after my mom died. I don't think I would have made it through work for the next year, without the therapist I saw.

I know it's really hard to seek that help, but you've probably already suffered trauma by proxy from work; we all do. And this intense family stress and anticipatory grief will only bring all of that out or further compound those stresses.

You need someone to support you who's entirely on your side and in your corner, and despite the best of their intentions, that will not be your family members unless they are all nurses too and they "get it." Even if they are, everyone has their own unresolved issues with a parent and the threads of past family experiences may tangle terribly under the stress of a terminal parent on hospice.

Plus each child in a family often has a different father even though it was the same father as their siblings because not everyone gets treated the same, it is difficult to get support from each other if old rivalries resurface in the intensity and stress of hospice and dying and the aftermath. Trust me when I say that I completely understand what you are going through. Completely.

A therapist isn't a bedside caregiver, true, but during their required clinical hours, many have worked in really rough places -- group homes for kids in child protective services, prisons, state psych wards or have at least been exposed to the kinds of things we go through. They will "get it" more than anyone in your family probably will. I recommend LCSWs or LCP/LCPCs rather than MSW and MA-psych or PsyD therapists. LCSWs and LCP/LCPCs have typically done a lot more clinical hours in a lot more "interesting" facilities and they are more aware of what nurses deal with or at least have an understanding of trauma by proxy and the ways in which it mixes terribly with familial illness/hospice/death preparation.

And I second the FMLA suggestion although in the time frame of hospice care, though it's hard to rush the paperwork/red tape and it may not be completed in time before you need to take time off.

In the absence of FMLA I would just level with your shift leader &/or nurse manager and explain that you can not deal with both work and your family situation simultaneously because of the stressful aspects of your father's hospice care -- you are essentially leaving one difficult job (albeit with the emotional detachment of caring for relative strangers) and going home to another difficult job, but one *without* the emotional detachment of your paying job... in fact, the exact opposite, pushing you to the breaking point.

Hopefully they will understand (if they've ever been in that boat themselves, they likely will) and give you the time off you need, regardless of whether it is the FMLA time or accumulated PTO/sick days.

Good luck. Take care of yourself -- do whatever you need to do.

And when this is all over, don't stop. Continue giving yourself extra care and cut yourself some slack. You will need as much or more self-care and counseling in the aftermath as you do now.

This is probably the hardest thing a nurse ever has to do IMO. I've not experienced anything worse than leaving one job for another but with the added fear, stress, and guilt of doing at home for a loved one what I do at work for relative strangers. Doing it at home for/with a loved one kind of rips the cushion of emotional detachment with patients out from under you, like a rug, and leaves you teetering on an abyss. At least that was how it was for me.

Warm hugs and positive vibes to you.

LoveMyRNlife · Nov 2, 2018

CaptainRN1, everyone has given great advice,so I won't repeat what has been said. I went through my father being diagnosed and passing as a new nurse and I know what you are going through. If you ever need a listening ear we are hear for you. I am so sorry for what you are going through! Please take care of you so that you may be there in the way you would like for your family.

captainRN1 · Nov 2, 2018

Thanks for the input. I'm already approved for intermittent fmla. I just don't know how mentally and emotionally to deal with work and what's going on at home. I work on a super busy medsurge floor and sometimes it's a good distraction, but then when you see what the pts and families are going through you realize you're family is going through the same thing. Example, just yesterday I had a pt with metastic cancer, basically saying she just wants to see her son graduate. A tech said to me how are the pt and family so calm knowing she's basically dying. All I said back to her was just like my dad.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Nov 3, 2018

I had a response all prepared, but previous posters said it all so I won't try to upstage their comments. Just know that I've been there, with my husband who was dying from pancreatic cancer, and I ended up stopping work entirely (for a number of reasons) and took care of him at home. I will never regret the time I spent with him, nor is there any guilt because I prioritized my love of 36 years over what I did for a living. Wishing you comfort and peace. Viva