Patients Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018 - page 5

We've all been there. In our time as nurses, we've heard patients say some pretty wild things. Whether it's off-the-wall reasons for how they came to need medical care or something as seemingly... Read More

  1. by   rn1965
    Years ago (the 80's), before becoming an RN, I was the unit clerk in a small OR. I would also help transport the patients to RR after surgery, when short staffed.

    One Friday night, we had a frequent flier, known for needing "objects" removed from his anus, under general anesthesia. On this particular evening, while transporting him to RR with the RN, guy wakes up and first thing he asks, "can I have it back? That one was expensive." It was about a 12 inch toy, if you know what I mean.

    The RN and I never laughed so hard in our lives!
  2. by   Nurseinprocess
    Not a pt comment, but the mother of one of my post partum pts asked me if it takes a few days for the baby to open its eyes . This lady had presumably given birth to the pt, lol.
  3. by   PiperLambie
    As a student nurse I had this older, country gentleman that wasn't exactly excited that the student he was getting was a 30-something male, while the neighbor got one of the seemingly unlimited blonde females my program had. As I'm going through his health history, which includes amputation of several toes due to diabetic issues, he suddenly blurts out "Oh yeah! I also have the tickerlitis". To this, his wife of over 60 years says, without any regard for the double entendre, "his doctor says that means he can still eat his bacon and eggs, but our favorite nuts are off limits". Thank you old time country couple- I shared that in post conference that day.

    My absolute favorite was years before I ever imagined becoming a nurse. Had a great friend from Massachusetts (until the pancreatic cancer took him a few years ago), that was the most street smart guy ever, but I am certain he was mostly illiterate. It had been a while since we got together for lunch to catch up, so I asked him how things were. "Well, mostly good, but I'm not sleeping well. I asked my doctor, and he told me it's probably sleep napnea." After I choked on my beer, I asked if he meant sleep apnea? "Nope, I'm pretty sure he said napnea." Here's to you, Super Mario- God knows it always gives me a good laugh to remember, and I could use a good sleep napnea myself...
  4. by   winterblue
    Preparing a family for discharge on mom/baby unit, I told the patient I was going to remove her baby's infant security tag. She said, "Before you do that, can you please take a picture of my baby's monitor with my husband's monitor?"

    I looked at her quizzically. She smiled, looking over at her husband who pulled up his pant leg to reveal an GPS ankle tag.
  5. by   LoveNursing0619
    I entered a patient's room at the start of my shift before report to introduce myself as his nurse for the day. He greeted me with, "It's wonderful to have a beautiful, young nurse". Of course I left feeling great...what a delightful way to begin my day. During report I discovered that he was severely sight impaired.
  6. by   NickiV06
    I was walking up the hall and stopped in my elderly gentleman patients room to answer their call bell.

    Him: Go get me a glass of milk
    Me: It will be a few minutes, I need to get another patient pain medication first.
    Him: If you don't get me a glass of milk right now, I'm going to **** myself and you'll have to clean me up!
  7. by   cardiacfreak
    Lewy-Body dementia patient arguing with a non-existent person in the room, she looked at me and said, "I can't stand that flea-bitten ba#t#rd!"
  8. by   tmyers4735
    ME: What are you doing, Miss Clara?

    Miss Clara: Eating chocolate pudding.

    ME: We don't have chocolate pudding Miss Clara.

    No further explanation is needed.
  9. by   nrsang97
    I was putting an IV in a LOL who pulled her IV out. She also was needing her NGT reinserted, and she was so angry. She looked at me and said "Just let me die so I can sue you". I told her that was not how that worked and that I was not going to let her die.
  10. by   amoLucia
    Quote from chacha82
    VERY confused patient having flashbacks to some type of Cold War/East Germany military experience. I heard quite a bit of what must have been classified intelligence in the 1970s!
    Way back when, I had the same experience with some elderly gentleman pt, BUT ...

    He was talking erratically in Dutch or German or some middle European language. Restless & struggling all around. A housekeeper walking by stopped for a moment to listen.

    She then told me she thought he was having flashbacks as a captured WWII POW and he was trying to escape the enemy restraints (our posey).

    This is the reason I never liked restraints for confused pts.
  11. by   rnsrgr8t
    I had a teenage boy as a patient for years with lots of urologic issues. He was complaining of a lot of dysuria and I needed to watch him void to assess his stream. Since he was a minor, Mom had to be in the bathroom with me while I watched him go. He was a good sport about it. As he was standing there trying to relax so he could void, his mother was pestering him about how he was standing, pulling his pants/underwear down etc (why I do not know since this was embarrassing enough as it was for him). He looks over at his Mom and without missing a beat and completely deadpanned says, "Mom, this is not my first rodeo, I DO know how to pee!!!". We could not stop laughing!! Bless his heart!
  12. by   compassionresearcher
    While working at a women's health clinic an older patient needed help keeping her legs open while the doctor performed a biopsy on the labia. There were 3 or 4 of us helping position her and she looked up and said, "it feels like prom night!".
  13. by   JadedCPN
    I had a 15 year old coming off of ketamine sedation for a fracture reduction recite the ENTIRE Old Spice commercial in a Spanish-type of accent (the one that goes "look at me, now look at your man, now look back at me"...) when the doctor asked him how he was feeling. After the doctor left, the patient continued to speak with this accent and said "where did this accent come from? I do not have an accent. What did you did?!"

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