LPN with Battery Charge on Criminal Record-Help - page 3

I need some advice, but first let me give you some background information......... I've been married for almost 14 years, in the process of getting a divorce. My daughter (15) has -never- gotten... Read More

  1. by   JnJTyson
    Hi folks..haven't posted much anywhere in quite a while...but this sort of thread is of much interest to me.

    I do not have kids of my own yet. But I am getting married to a man that has a 2 year old and a 5 year old. We have custody of his 5 year old. She was raised in a home with NO boundries. She was the perfect little child that could do no wrong no matter what. I'm 23, and in an odd position of parenting. But she loves it here, loves her daddy, and loves me. When she first came to this house a few months ago...she was horrible. Nothing in this house was "out of bounds" in her mind. Now? She's a pretty darn good kid! Keeps her room and play areas clean, respects me and her father, and frankly a wonderful child to be around. How did we do it? Good dicipline. We went down the ranks of punishments with her. She did wrong, we told her so. She does it again, she gets time out...after that...oh yea...she got a spanking.

    Yet again..the age issue...I understand. But guess what. That little girl was smart enough the first time I spanked her...she told me she was calling the cops...I said "go ahead...call the cops..I'll have them take you to jail along with me and your father...I'm sure you'd love a foster home"....no problems since.

    I have gotten dirty glares, whispers, and those "huffs" at the grocery store from slapping her hand when she is grabbing things to put in the carts. Its not hard...but lordy people!! Since when is it a crime to dicipline your child?? As a child, I had to go get the belt for my father to paddle me with....yet now I am a law-abiding, outstanding citizen, and one heck of a nurse (ok..so it didn't help me ego...lol)

    Yes, my mom slapped me in the face when I was 14...heck, she's done it when I was 18! I slapped her back!

    I'm truly sorry that your daughter did what she did. Many years down the road she will realize what she has done to you. There is a VERY thin line between dicipline and abuse/assault. and unfortunately, its has become more and more fuzzy. Back in the day, (even for a youngin like me) spanking, or whatever forms of dicipline were fine. And dicipline is a wonderful thing. The forms of dicipline I have learned over the years (rules, punishments, the whole lot of em) have molded me into the person I am today....kids, even 14 need to know what is right and what is wrong. You may have disrespected her by slapping her, but she turned right around and may have ruined your career. Is that fair? Not really.....

    This kind of situation will get people talking..its been a topic of debate for quite a few years....so please don't flame me or others for having a difference of opinion! =0)
  2. by   itsme
    I agree. It is very hard to discipline a child nowadays without them saying "im calling the cops" I think that is a big part of the problem in todays society- not enough disipline. No I dont mean baeting a kid, but discipline. Rules and boundaries are what kids need. they need to know they are the child and you are the parent. they need to respect authority (teachers, paarents, all elderly) etc..
  3. by   katscan
    many kids today are out of control!
  4. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Originally posted by 3rdShiftGuy
    But you are not a child abuser, and don't need counseling for abuse.
    I feel for this nurse, truly. How close I have come to whapping my kid or even feeling like I just want to choke the life out of him! Even when he was a baby (shudder). He is lucky he is alive. I bet most of us can say that we were "this close." So how can we judge her? We were (most of us) THERE!

    Speaking from experience, that "slap" is a red flag that our friend's relationship with her child has been out of control for some time. Prior to the slap I am sure there were many verbal exchanges that were not too pretty. This SHOULD be the moment when SOMEone says, "Ho-Kay. That's FAR ENOUGH." I guess circumstances (the job thing, the legal things) are saying it now, loud and clear.

    The counseling would help our nurse to be in touch with her feelings (again based on my experience, that feeling that one should be able to control "my own CHILD!! for God's sake ... ) and how to deal with them, AS WELL as how best to guide her child without having to resort to violence.

    A slap is not just a hit; it is a total disrespect for a person. It is personAL! A spank or a slap on the hand for a little kid, still is pushing it IMHO. But a slap is what you use when a big brute is trying to force themselves on you; it is self defense. This is a KID we're talking about and it is NOT self defense.

    My son is 16 and will NOT go to school, NOT pick up his room, NOT take his pills (he's bipolar). Other than that he is a wonderful kid. But when he acts out I just want to RIP HIS FACE OFF! THAT is what a slap is about. We are both in counseling, and guess what, it is not changing him in the least. He just does not care, he says, he feels there is no problem.

    But what the counseling has done for me is allow me to have my life and be reasonably happy in it, and also to love my kid even though he is a big pain in my A**!

    Peace, at all costs.

    Definitely, a wake up call.

    Funny thing is, people who slap or hit are often people who WERE slapped or hit or even violently abused, even sexually, as children, or they might be experiencing abuse now by a loved one. The legacy continues. This woman's child will probably pass it on to his/her children too if it continues. Cuz if abuse is not dealt with, it ALWAYS gets worse. That's why a woman who's being abused in a relationship had better get out -- cuz it ALWAYS gets worse. Til someone gets help to stop the pattern of abuse. I would recommend finding a paper called "the wheel of abuse," which demonstrates how this pattern is self-perpetuating.

    I repeat. UnLESS -- we get help.

    I admire this nurse's courage to share this here. I really do. And remember, many of us are not all that different than she. Don't judge her.
  5. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Originally posted by JnJTyson
    she turned right around and may have ruined your career.
    I agree with most of your post except -- this daughter is NOT in any way, shape, manner or form responsible for her mother hitting her. Her mother DID it, her mother was out of control! I am not trying to SHAME her, but she DOES have to accept responsibility for what she did. The MOTHER is responsible for losing the job.

    Except, where there is no convicition yet, she may be lucky.
  6. by   Liddle Noodnik
    This is the wheel of abuse I was referring to. It mostly applies to adults who have been physically or emotionally abused, but it also shows the family dynamics.

  7. by   Disablednurse
    I don't think that James said anything out of line. He just stated facts and his opinion. What he said is the norm for LTC facilities. They are not allowed to hire people with assault of any kind in their past. This could lead to lawsuits, because if anything questionable came up regarding her and a resident, the facility would be liable for hiring her knowing her past. I worked in LTC for 23 years and I would not hire her because there is no company that would allow her to be hired. That is just the facts.
  8. by   nurse2002
    I dont know what state you live in but where I am from there is something called an 'out of control warrant'. If your minor child is that out of control I would look into something similar to this.
    The court does get involved, but will help you get your child under control. Through probation, counseling, curfews and the like. Also random drug tests. If your daughter doesnt want to be held responsible for her behavior at home she will get the consequeces through the court. Its called tough love. You might try it. It could save her from a world of hurt in the long run.

    I too will not judge you for slapping her. You made a mistake.
    But I can see it happening. I have come close to slapping my teen in the face more than once. (We are now in counseling).

    Please make sure there is no conviction on your part. Get a good attorney.
  9. by   nurse2002
    Originally posted by James Huffman
    I'm sorry, folks, this is not a family dispute we are talking about. If it were just that, there would be nothing to discuss, as the police would not have been involved. This is assault, pure and simple. I'm not trying to make 14year feel worse than she already does (and I suspect she has deep regret that she did it), but this was wrong. Facial slapping is not excusable, and I am not really happy that some nurses publicly defend it.

    Jim Huffman, RN


    14 year finally got tired of taking a teens abuse. Everyone has a limit and she was at hers. I can guess why the police got involved also. The teen was upset because her mother actually took up for herself and put the teen in her place. Im not saying the slap was right and I am not saying it was wrong. Im torn here. But I also know she is a TEEN. And verbally and mentally abusing your MOTHER is VERY wrong. Counseling is probally warranted here but a CONVICTION is definately NOT.
  10. by   H ynnoD
    When I was a Teen I was into drugs and drinking.I would push all the right buttons till my Dad exploded and would hit Me.I believe I pushed my parents over the edge and got what I deserved.It was only a punch or two,He didn't beat the hell out of me.I think we all have a breaking point and I was good at finding it.I think You just hit that point and now need to seek counseling.I use to spank my kids,but have taken some Christian parenting classes that have helped me so much,that I haven't had to in along time.I personally would work on my relationship with daughter more and put the job part to the back burner if you can.Family First in my book,your daughter needs you.Just my 2 cents
  11. by   Orca
    I had many years of experience in criminal justice before going to nursing school, so I have knowledge on both sides of the topic. For those who do not know, 14yr has already been to court on this charge. A deferred sentence is imposed by a court of law. The person normally reports to a probation officer, either in person or in writing, and is in most states subject to announced or unannounced home or work visits from the supervising officer. What likely happened in court was that the judge took her lack of prior criminal history into account, and decided to give her a chance to come out of this without a felony record that would follow her for the rest of her life.

    Any potential employer in this situation is in a tricky bind. True, there is not a conviction in this case, but 14yr is under active supervision for a felony case of battery, conviction or not. Further, there is the potential for a conviction in this case until the day supervision ends. If anything happens, the supervising officer can file an application to accelerate with the court, and the conviction would remain on 14yr's FBI and state rap sheets forever. Until supervision is completed, no employer could be sure that they are hiring someone without a felony record, because the spectre is always there. A drink on the way home from work or a scuffle with a belligerent neighbor could spell trouble. It does not have to be another criminal charge or an arrest, either. Any violation of the rules and conditions of supervision could lead to an application to accelerate - and most of us do things every day that would not be allowed under the terms of probation.

    I wish you luck on putting both your career and your life back together, and resolving whatever issues you and your family are facing.
    Last edit by Orca on Jun 4, '03
  12. by   Tweety
    Originally posted by zoeboboey

    The counseling would help our nurse to be in touch with her feelings (again based on my experience, that feeling that one should be able to control "my own CHILD!! for God's sake ... ) and how to deal with them, AS WELL as how best to guide her child without having to resort to violence.
    Since you quoted me, I'll respond. I agree with your statements. I hope you didn't think I don't think counseling would help. I was saying approaching counseling from the standpoint of "I'm a child abuser" is not this woman. Something is definately wrong with this family and they need help. The slap is but a symptom. (Yes a crime and definately wrong.), but to focus on the slap is only part of the picture.

    Great post!
  13. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Originally posted by 3rdShiftGuy
    but to focus on the slap is only part of the picture.
    Thanks for the compliment, and yes, I agree with you!

    Good post, LOL!