Job loss, domestic violence, help on advice for getting back on the horse!!!!!! - page 3
Hi everyone, I havent visited for a while because my life fell apart. The nursing home I was working for wasnt working out, My husband had back surgery two years ago and has been on oxycodone. ... Read More
Jan 23, '07Hello Kristy!
(((HUGS))) to you and your kids. You are going through some rough times right now, but I sense from your post that you are a SURVIVOR as well as a great role model for your kids.
I have a couple suggestions.
First of all, when you are applying at places, as much as possible, even if it is a bit of an inconvenience, drop off those applications *in person*. So many times that can be the difference between getting an interview or not. Of course, it goes without saying that you dress up, be professional. Come prepared that day to interview! You may be surprised! Dazzle those HR managers with your smile, warmth and articulate nature. Even if the interaction takes all of 20 seconds, believe me, it is time well spent in most cases. Come interested, prolong the conversation and get them talking, i.e. "this position seems like such a great fit for me, what kind of specialized training does this unit require?" or some equally provoking question that is NOT answered by yes or no.
Secondly, find the jobs you *really* want to work and make a point (esp. important in bigger hospitals) of finding out the name of the nurse manager on that unit and send a copy of your resume to her/him also, try to drop it off in person if you can. Many hospitals' HR offices will actually set up the interview but having the NM telling them "Hey, this Kristy came up and spoke to me the other day, she seems like a good candidate" tends to move your application to the top of the pile in HR.
Lastly, get up-to-date info on jobs that are put in newspapers in your area. Visit www.ecola.com and follow the links for "browse newspapers by country" then narrow down to the classified section of the newspapers within whatever radius you decide to seek employment. In addition, this is helpful if you just want to find a stop-gap job to tide you over until you find your dream job as well.
I wish you the very best, you will be in my prayers.
Jan 23, '07Thanks so much guys, that is some great advice and I am going to use it. Really good idea about checking out the postings and then I can get the nurse managers name. I will. Although, I have to say, the blogging and begging option was sounding a little tempting. Just kidding. I have counselors set up now for my children and myself, to help deal with the trauma. I have to say, its the little, (or big, in the case of my driveway), things that get you down once you become a single mom. I had my boys in bed early last night, we got up and had breakfast, and went out the door to about 4 inches of white fluffy snow covering my 75 foot driveway. Couldnt find anything but kiddie shovels and fell on my butt twice. (luckily, I am not hurt.) I could be crying about now, the boys were late to school cuz of it, but I know I am doing the best I can. I guess I did take for granted some of the things my husband did take care of. Course so far, that and scooping the litter box which he used to do, are the only things that have changed or affected my life. (forgot about the catbox till he started pooping elsewhere ). Other than that getting a routine going with the boys has really simplified things, and was something they needed. Again, thanks soo much, everybody has great ideas and such great support, thank you thank you thank you.
Off to find another interview!!
Jan 23, '07Kristy,I've been there too,let me tell you.no matter how tough it's been since I left its never been as bad as when I was with him.Once you get through this time you will understand what I mean.At least when I'm broke its not because he spent all the money drinking.Keep trying and don't give up,you are doing the right thing and in the end it will work out.You may have to take the first job that comes along instead of the one you want but at least you don't have to be abused and worry about what is going on with your kids while you are at work or looking for that job.
Feb 25, '07I need to update everyone, because you have all been so supportive of me. I hope that you all dont think I am being an idiot, but I am doing my best to make choices that will work the best for my children and myself. I have struggled to pay all the bills during this difficult time and so far have managed to keep up to date. At this point, after months of stealing from peter to pay paul, I am at my limit. My husband has been sober since Christmas, (forced upon him, for sure, and I dont trust that, but.....)at this point he is sober. My children have been going through so much, and miss their father. I have requested the court to let him see the kids, and we are still waiting for the answer. I am putting a request in for a legal separation. I found a new job which I LOVE, rehab nursing, it is soo different from LTC, the atmosphere is so much mroe positive, I am thrilled so far.
Anyway, at this point, if my (not yet ex) husband and I dont work together, we will probably lose everything, bankruptcy will be the best option. If we do work together, we just might be able to save our home, and hopefully down the road a bit, sell it and come out of this not unscathed, but at least not burnt to a crisp, you know?
So, asking for opinions, (and probably setting myself up for seriously getting yelled at), here is my plan. I am reconsolidating all my credit card debt. I have counseling coming to my home for my son with Aspergers, and they will be able to help with my youngest also. My husband has been sober since Christmas, (which has been forced upon him due to the circumstances, so I dont fully trust this, BUT, he will at a minimum be in doing 2 years of probation and have to attend an anger management class. He has never been physically abusive, I dont feel that my children are in danger, as a matter of fact they are suffering more from not being able to see him than anything else. So heres the gist. I am willing to let him move back in with the understanding that we will go to counseling to work out the details, we are going to do a legal separation, have no expecations of each other besides whatever financial agreements we make and however we agree to deal with the children together. Counseling definately required, to work out the details. I will deal with a huge lashback from my mom and my friends for even considering letting him back in, but honestly, I see him trying, he isnt making me bull#$%t promises, and I dont see any other way out of our current situation except for foreclosure or bankruptcy. Anybody, advice? Feedback? Please also know that I have been going to counseling for the domestic violence part of this, but the thing is, we have been together for 13 years, and fought a LOT, but he has never raised a hand to me. He was on the pain pills for his back, 360 pills of oxycontin per month, and after two years, when they were no longer effective he started to take more and more, which escalated into the drug abuse. I dont believe he is a danger to his children, I am more worried that he wont be able to handle living in the same house and us not being together. We will do counseling to work out the details, I have said everything I need to say to him up till now, and I guees I just wanted some feedback from other woman who have been there. Please dont flame me or yell at me for being stupid, you have to understand, I have a 9 year old just diagnosed with Aspergers, a 5 year old who is struggling to understand what has happened, where daddy is and why he left, and I need to do what is best for them. I would love some (gentle) advice from some of you ladies who have been there and done that.
Oh, and I have a new job as a rehab nurse, and it is incredible, positive, I LOVE it, and hope and feel as if I have found my niche. I havent been there long enough to be sure, but time will tell. Also, my husband wants to go to school to learn truck driving, not the vocation I would have chosen for him, but at least he is showing some initiative and trying to better himself. he found a job at a local supermarket for 8 per hour. But hes doing it.
Huge sighhhhhhhhh. I truly appreciate and respect the opinions and advice I have gotten on allnurses.com, and wanted to update you on my saga, (I swear, I deserve my own soap opera, but dont we all? )
Thanks everybody, sorry I have been away so long, I miss this forum.
KristyBRNLast edit by lvs2nrs3535 on Feb 25, '07
Feb 25, '07Oh yeah, and on a side note, we have lowered the price on our old house, geting out from under that will make a huge difference, change our debt to income ratio, and with reconsolidating credit card debt, I just may be able to pull this off. Anybody who believe in prayer, please send me as much as you can spare. Love to all,
Feb 25, '07hoping things work well for you
rehab is such a positive atmosphere - sounds like you're happy there
keep moving forward
Feb 25, '07Hmmm. Nothing to say either way. Life is one trip around and you are doing what you think is best for the kids. Also, it is possible that your hubby can straighten out. Hopefully, if you two can get your financial stuff being dealt with in a business-like manner, there will be enough emotional strength left over to start to deal with everything else. Only you can live your life. It is not for us to judge. Of course, if it starts to go south, you now know what needs to be done. Good luck. Sending positive thoughts your way.
Feb 25, '07I've got to chime in here and you are right, you will get some negative responses to your plan.
There are inevitable sacrifices that come with getting out of an abusive relationship. You will have to decide what your priorities are. It may mean losing financial stability and more often than not does mean just that. But you are safe and there is no question about that. The children are not at risk of having to witness the ugly stuff. Change is frightening and sometimes the familiar, no matter how bad it is, is more desirable than the unknown on its face. Get help from family. Move in with your mom if you have to. You can recoup things in time. Educate yourself on domestic violence. I'm sure you know that sobriety doesn't necessarily translate into a violence free relationship. That groundwork has already been laid down and it will not go away without a lot of work. Your husband is on the wrong side of your front door if he's alreasdy back in and you will likely have to repeat all the steps you have just painfully taken. I hate to see anyone caught up in this cycle. Please seek help from whatever resources are available to break it. No judgment here. Just a plea to consider what you have already accomplished. The children will understand in time and thank you that what you have done was done to protect them. They will know that you thought highly enough about yourself to not tolerate even the risk of being mistreated. I understand that the here and now is a reality hard to cope with. Please consider your priorities and your resources. I do wish you the best no matter what road you choose to travel on your journey. Please keep talking.
Feb 26, '07I agree with you on the fact that getting out takes a sacrifice. I am willing to live without my new home. I will get over not having a dishwasher, a refrigerator with filtered water and ice, (silly, huh, but hey, you get used to and LOVe the little things.) What I cant seem to get over is giving up without trying to put us into a financial situation which will let us sell our homes and not put us into bankruptcy and foreclosure. Also, although my husbands first reaction was that he would not sell his fourwheeler, to help pay the mortgage, he has put it into the local paper and is going to try to sell it. I believe he is trying, and as long as he stays sober and there is not a SECOND of passive aggressive crap or nastiness, I am willing to give this a go. We are going to go to counseling to work out the details, and talk about all of this, (first and foremost, my wanting to be safe, of course, and my kids, though I dont believe they are or ever were in any physical danger.)
Emotional abuse is worse though, and there can be no more of that. He is going to have to take a 40 day anger management class, he has already started counseling related to drug abuse, and as i said, I think he is going to be on probation for at least a year, but probably two. This gives me the assurance that he will be sober for at least that amount of time. He was in jail for 25 days, and will not risk going back. He is terrified of that.
Soooo..... I am listening to both my heart and my head, and my heart is telling me I am safe. My head is saying that to run and bail is not going to be what is best for my children, they have been through so much already, to uproot them again, with the loss of their 2 dogs and cat, well, I think it is going to be to much for them. I know children are resiliant, but if I dont have to do that to them, well.... We will have case management coming directly into the home to evaluate us, our routine, and our relationships and to help us come up with plans to help deal with my sons aspergers syndrome, and its affect on his younger brother. I feel like this is another safety net, we will have someone coming to our home at least 2 times a week, and they will be evaluating all of us and our behaviors. So my husband will still be under supervision. I have to try this, and if it goes in the wrong direction even the tiniest bit, I will NOT ignore any warning signs or delude myself. I will be out of there with my kids so fast there will be nothing but a cloud of dust behind us. I am not strictly religious, but I believe in God, and the powers that be, and I have asked and prayed for guidance. I woke up yesterday with the strong feeling that I should give him the chance to be the father I know he can be, (and was before the drugs took him over). I am making this decision from my head and my heart, but not from an emotional standpoint. I have already discussed with him that I want a legal separation, that we are doing this for our children and the chance to save what we have financially. We discussed whether he could live here and NOT be involved as my husband, for I dont want resentment coming up 2 months down the road. He feels that so much has gone between us that he agrees, we as a couple may not make it, but he wants to do what is right for his kids, and assures me that he can handle this. Also, as I said, we are going to continue counseling. Not marriage counseling, per say, but counseling to work together to do this, without the fighting and resentment.
I guess I have made my bed, I am going to have to lay in it, and I hope and pray that I am making the right choice. I have to go back to 13 years with a man who has dealt with a lot of trauma, and traveled way to far down the wrong road, but who I truly believe is a good person inside. I also know he loves his children more than himself, and this is a big reason for my choice.
So, I guess we will see. Thanks for the input, please send me good energy, and know that I will do what is best for myself and my boys, and my eyes are WIDE OPEN to the risks, but also to the chance for good, that I am putting us up for here.
Wish me Luck,
I will keep you posted.
As usual, I want to say that this support has helped me so much in my struggle. God Bless allnurses.com!!:kiss :icon_hug:
Thanks again everybody.
Feb 26, '07Kristy,I know from all you have written that you have made this decision after a lot of careful consideration and I wish all of you the best of luck(((((hug))))
I hope that everything works out and with counseling and hard work you can become the strong loving family that you want.
I'm sure that you're son's Aspergers will be another hurdle but with your determination I hope that you will all come through this as stronger people and will grow as a family and be able to overcome these challenges.
God bless you
Apr 17, '07Hi everyone,
Still hanging in there, the rehab job is working out wonderfully, I find it emotionally satisfying, financially rewarding, and everything I have been looking for in nursing. Personally, I am still battling my personal demons, but I am grateful for what I have, (after rehab nursing, and seeing young couples dealing with a 33 year old husband with expressive aphasia and total loss of use of one side of his body, just one small example,), well, my problems are a little less severe. Doesnt make it any less hard, but it does make me more grateful for what I do have.
As always, thanks for the support!!!
I love my job!!
Apr 17, '07I was hired immediately out of school for agency night shift. If your children are old enough night nurses are in desperately short supply. It can be rough with kids though. Try your local church even if you are not a member of the congregation thhe pastor may know of resources that you are unaware of. Hospice is rough but another field that always needs nurses. Good luck, take one day at a time.