Okay, all I want to be is a nurse who cares and does her best... and this is all getting to me. I have seen countless people die and have taken care of them until the end. I was able to maintain a certain professional distance, but this one has gotten under my skin. See thead "I wanna screem!"
I love her dearly and she is truly a very special person. Everybody says so. So confused and so lost, but has so much love. Hugs and kisses her stuffed bunny all day and night and tells it that it's a good girl. There was nothing like walking into her room during the day from hell and having her say "come here uncle, and let me hug you". No I am not a man, if you're wondering -- far from it! But she does give good hugs, though. I had to get my daily "fix" and that made everything better. I bought her a stuffed dog a few weeks ago and (I know I'm being silly) it feels like the kiss of death!
She is fading really fast. Has severe urosepsis and decision has been made not to pursue treatment because she has been through so much. Poor little thing! Couldn't even swallow thickened water the other night. No more gag reflex. Face has gotten so gaunt and pale. Raging fever. Trying to talk to me, but voice was so weak. Trying to give me a hug. I just held her and kissed her head, she made her little giggle. It's breaking my heart that she is dying. :crying2:
When we die our spirit becomes like a mirror, then shatters. The pieces go flying around everywhere untill they find the person reflected in them, then with their sharp, jegged edges they bury themselves deep in the heart of that person. At first it hurts like hell, but like any wound they slowly heal, leaving only the scar to show. But sometimes we'll remember them and the scar starts to ache a little, and that's how we all live forever.
HOney I feel your pain. I worked on an oncology unit for 6.5 years. I am going back to the same type of unit next month after 11 years in home health. I have watch probably 100 people die. Some I was so close to I went to the funeral. I needed to for closure and to support the persons family-so I could say goodbye. Remember she taught you something. The importance of human contact and how wonderful a smile is to a friend. Some patients cross the line of being patients in our hearts. You are kind and not alone when you are hurting. She sounds like a kind sole.
I know in her passing a little angle will always be hugging you and sit by you with a bunny. She will watch over you with the same love and compassion you did when she was in human form, telling you that you are a good girl and and a very good nurse.
Keep up the great work. We need you. She will never leave you.
Oh Adrienne you are a wonderful nurse. She is lucky to have someone like you there. You are doing all that can be done. Just make her final days comfortable.
Good luck, we feel your pain.
:kiss
Amen, Adrie...(((((((((hugs))))))))) :kiss Keep on being the wonderfully caring compassionate nurse that you are. :kiss
I echo what all these wise nurse type ppl have told you already
and add that you were this patients very own personal angel!
as nurses we sometimes lose sight of the humans we are caring for , some say its a coping mechanism,others think its the start of burnout..
what your post did for me was to reassure me that I was bang on with my thoughts about what a great nurse and more importantly a great person you are!
its not easy to be there for people at the very end of their experience in "this life"
to do it with the feeling and grace that you did is just amazing...
sure your heart will be a little heavy , to lose someone hurts, but let your heart swell with the knowledge that you helped someone leave this world onto a better one
her quality of life, well in one sense anyway, dwindled to the point where she could no longer even drink ,but in another sense her quality of life was improved just by you being around her .....
hugs etc
no great words of wisdom from me
just know that I know how it feels and that you did a really wonderful thing for your patient and your fellow humanbeing :)
{{{{{{{adri}}}}}}}} I can't say anything better than what has already been said. She is lucky to have someone who not only takes care of her, but really cares for her.
I love what LiLgirl said, about bodies dying, but not the love, so true. And I loved what aussie nurse2's brother said about the mirror, what a great way to put it.
I have been watching the John Edwards show crossing over at night, and wondering, when my time comes, I hope not only my family is there, but also my favorite and special patients whom for whatever reason touched my heart.
:crying2:
911fltrn
159 Posts
God smiles upon you!