Follow my heart or follow my dreams?

  1. Hello everyone

    I need some advice/opinions. I'm coming towards the end of my second semester (out of four) in an ADN program. After I graduate and get my license, I plan to apply to some universities to obtain my BSN. One of the universities I will be applying to is San Diego State University; a school I have wanted to go to since I was in the 6th grade. My family and I used to live in San Diego, but my dad was in the Marine Corps and we were transferred to a tiny little desert town, needless to say it was a huge change for all of us. Since then I have always wanted to go back, and what better way than to pursue my love for nursing at a school I've dreamed of attending for so long?
    So here is my dilemma...my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years; we have talked about marrige but nothing is "official" yet. I figured I should tell him about my plans so there are no surprises if and when the time comes. He said that he isn't sure we would be able to afford living out there; I reminded him I would be an RN by then. My family has plans to move back to San Diego also, when things are financially stable. So I would get to live in a city I love, go to the school of my dreams, and be able to visit my family often, which all sounds great to me...but on the other hand my bf has lived in the same city his whole life and has all his family, friends, and work invested there. He asked if I would be willing to go to the university in his city, which also has a great BSN program (I'm also applying there, but if I get into SDSU...). We have been through so much together, everything from my breakdowns from being in the nursing program to the death of both his parents, but I'm not sure how this change will affect us. Of course, this is all depending on whether or not I get accepted to SDSU, but I just want to be prepared. I have always told myself that I will never let a man stand between me and my dreams, but at what point do you make sacrifices for those you love?
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    About dine saw, ADN

    Joined: Mar '09; Posts: 63; Likes: 94

    21 Comments

  3. by   DroogieRN
    Quote from samstra
    Hello everyone

    I have always told myself that I will never let a man stand between me and my dreams, but at what point do you make sacrifices for those you love?

    When you are engaged/married. And maybe not even then, without lots and lots of discussion and agreement and mutual understanding beforehand. Just my
  4. by   RNperdiem
    If you are not married to him, you are free to do as you wish.
    You do not have to go back for a BSN right away either.
    The first year of nursing is busy enough even without school; there will be plenty of opportunity for learning at work.
    Your boyfriend might need some time to think things over. Big changes in life plans need time and space to work out.
  5. by   yelhsamarie
    This post caught my attn because I am going through something similar. I am not married either but only because we can't afford a wedding, but in my heart we are married. We live together and have dogs together. He grew up in the same house, same small town, began his career there. I was already going to nursing school when we finally got together. It was only an hour and a half away but he did move down here after about 6 months, but he decided to continue his education here too. Now, I'm about to graduate and I'm learning that jobs are not available in our area. It was very hard to get him to even move an hour and a half away from his hometown and now I'm trying to get him to be open to the idea of moving to where jobs are.

    It is not easy. And I thought just like you, I will never let a man stand in my way of doing what I want to do, especially my career. But something changes when you are with someone you want to spend your life with. We were apart 3 weeks and it was torture. So, the dilemma is my career or my soon-to-be-husband. At first any time I brought up moving he got really upset and I could get nowhere. Then slowly he came around to the idea. Like I said, it hasn't been easy. It's been a few months in progress. But everytime I found more obstacles and more evidence that jobs aren't here, for me and for him, he considered it. I think a big edge I had was showing the benefit for HIM, not just me. Now we are talking about even moving out of state so we can both have successful careers.

    So I'm sharing my story because I know how you feel and I think if the person is worth it then make it work. Sacrifice, compromise, and have many many conversations. Figure out his hesitations, fears, etc and try to figure out solutions and make the idea seem more appealing. And really, his hometown is always a plane ride away and no decision is permanent. There is always a choice. But you both have to be willing to have difficult conversations, respect each other and be willing to work together to make you both happy. Good luck!!
  6. by   Ayvah
    Just a couple of questions. So your dream is to go to this certain school, but not to become a nurse? If you will be graduating soon, able to sit for NCLEX, what will getting a BSN get you that you absolutely can't get with an ASN, especially there vs any other school? What makes this school in particular the one you need to attend to make your dream come true?

    If you are planning on marrying this guy, what about being open to a compromise? Such as online classes from there, or commute for one class a week? To move(don't know how far it would be) would be potentially very upsetting to your boyfriend and his career and his family too.

    Are you not that committed to this guy? Really, as the others have said you are free to do what you want till you are engaged but I can't fathom putting 1-2 years of a particular college (with minimal job gain) above potentially losing a partner in life. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't understand.
  7. by   DroogieRN
    Quote from yelhsamarie
    This post caught my attn because I am going through something similar. I am not married either but only because we can't afford a wedding...

    I know everyone is different with regard to what he or she values, but my wedding cost maybe $100, which I believe was the cost of the license and the required blood tests. Not sure what a Justice of the Peace charges but we used a minister and he charged us nothing -- and we've been married nearly 24 years. I don't regret a thing, except I do love wedding cake...

    I also don't believe someone is as good as married unless they are married, but I completely understand that not everyone agrees with me. I just hate to see a young woman follow a man all over creation or stay put somewhere that isn't good for her, plain and simple, unless she is married to him, and even then, it smacks of so much selfishness on the man's part when the woman is the one making all the sacrifices. Just my
  8. by   NurseLoveJoy88
    I'm getting married in August and I'll be finishing up my nursing program in July and I plan on applying to a university to get my BSN. When I was single I was just focused on me, me, and me. However, after I met and fell in love with my fiance its no longer about me anymore its about us. He is the type of man that will support me with whatever I decide, however if circumstances arise then I will put my dream of getting my BSN on hold for my future husband. For example: He may be getting laid off with in the next year or so and may not be able to work right away. If I have to I will stop going to school for my BSN and work full time to support my Husband and I. Marriage and relationships are about sacrifices, sometimes we have to put our dreams on hold in the process. So follow your heart. At least you'll be a RN and that alone is a huge milestone, get that BSN later.
  9. by   pers
    That's a rough spot. Sadly, I don't think there's really good advice when it comes to big life decisions on matters of the heart. We've all got stories to share and can rationalize our decisions but it all comes back to what's best for you and figuring out what you really want and you are the only one who knows that.

    If you don't move and marry this guy and your life is wonderful, no doubt years from now you'll look back and consider it a worthy sacrifice. However, if you don't marry him or you marry him and things don't work out, will you still look back and consider it a worthy sacrifice? On the flip side, if you give up the guy to move, will you regret that decision? Maybe, if you never meet anyone as wonderful. Maybe not if you meet someone even better!

    I wish I could help. I've made sacrifices that made my life twist in ways I certainly didn't intend and in some cases didn't really like! But I've made my choices and I'm ok with them and where I am in life because the potential alternatives would have haunted me.

    I wish you all the best in your decisions. I hope he reconsiders and you can get both the school and the guy! Just remember though, that you are the one who will be living with the consequences of your choice for rest of your life. What he wants counts because you love him but that doesn't mean it counts more.
  10. by   beachbutterfly
    There is no right or wrong asnwer here,however in my opinion you should always try to be financially independent and count on your ten fingers,since you cant really predict 100% how your marriage will work out.We live in times of high divorce rate and trust me you always want to be able to support yourself and the kids.With that said I have known women who gave up their dreams for the men they loved and the marriage didnt turn into living dream,as it was suppose to.Husbands lost their jobs,or was laid off and the wifes cannot contribute too much since they gave up their dreams for their soulmates.I know your situation is a little bit different than from what I described aboove howerver I trully advise you to proceed with caution and make your decisions wisely.What nows seems to be like like a dream in ten 10 years might take on totally different meaning.......
    Last edit by beachbutterfly on May 22, '09
  11. by   j450n
    Ultimately, you're the only person that can make the decision, no matter what people tell you. In my opinion, you have to take care of yourself first before you take care of anybody else. Too many times have I left my goals/ambitions on the backburner and now, I am constantly asking myself "what if?"

    I'm sure everyone will be understanding to know that you will be doing what's best for you. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors!
  12. by   NurseLoveJoy88
    I agree with the last posters that you really are the only one that can decide whats best for you. We are different and all have our own opinions. There are no right and wrong answers. This is life and all through life there will be bumps, valleys, and mountains.
    Good luck on whatever you decide.
  13. by   beachbutterfly
    Quote from j450n
    Ultimately, you're the only person that can make the decision, no matter what people tell you. In my opinion, you have to take care of yourself first before you take care of anybody else. Too many times have I left my goals/ambitions on the backburner and now, I am constantly asking myself "what if?"

    I'm sure everyone will be understanding to know that you will be doing what's best for you. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors!
    I think anyone one who will try to stop her would probably be a little insecure,IMO.
    Education is never bad and there is no such a thing as "too much education".
    However many significant others fail to realize that driven by their egos.
    Hopefully the OP will come into an agreement with herself and her future husband and they will offer support to each other and be each other backbones.
  14. by   Jokerhill
    Have you ever thought of talking to him and asking him what he want's, or are you afraid of opening up a can of worms? Well, as I see it if you can't take it to him and talk to him about it you are not anywhere close to where you should be for getting married. So, if your bringing the problem here before talking to him, you should go to school, no question about it your not ready for what marriage is. If you have already talked to him about it (not just hinting about what you would like to do, guys don't get hints) get married, you are ready for the big show, and the two of you will work it out. The best way I can describe marriage, is there can only be one head, both people bring in their experience and knowledge to make a decision. The thing ruining marriage in this time, is that two people are trying to make independent decisions. In the 1950's there was low divorce because only the man made decisions for the family so the woman just followed and it worked out. In 2009 both want to make independent decisions and then need fight to work it out in their own favor. So for marriage to work out today you both need to do what is best for the couple and forget your independent self interest, otherwise you are just like business partners and not a family. Best of luck. Jeff

    PS; Yes, I am a guy, Yes, I am happily married, and this is only my point of view. So, Ladies if you feel you need to attack me and my point of view, please do it via PM and not on her post.

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