Comfort

Nurses General Nursing

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I just recieved some bad news. The home where my husband's grandmother is just called and her condition has severly declined. She isn't expected to live out the remainder of the day. I had to be the one to call the hubby in Chicago and break the news.((((SIGH)))) I have never lost a grandparent and I canmot imagine what it would feel like until the Lord says differently. He is good with hiding his feelings, but I know the two of them were tight like glue before she became sick four years ago with alzheimer's disease. My heart is seriiously aching for him and I cannot sleep. He is getting a load home at the crack of dawn. She stopped eating almost two weeks ago. I am battling severe depression and this is making me go crazy. What do you say to someone you love when this happens? I know I can't make him feel better, but I sure would love to try.

Please help!!

Candice

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Specializes in Labor and Delivery.

I am sorry to hear about that news but really there is not much you can do except just be there for him. I know sometimes men think they need to hold in their feelings and not cry but I'm sure he is hurting. All I can say is just be his shoulder try to be strong but don't blame yourself or beat yourself up over this. Show him that he has you and you love him. I honestly think that you should say anything except tell him you are there for him and listen to him. Don't try to find the right words to say because there really aren't any and take care of yourself too.

Jess

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Thank you Jess because finding the right words is what I am trying to do. It makes sense now. He lost his mother when he was 16 and his grandmother became his backbone and for him to see her go... His tone let me know he was breaking down. He quickly rushed me off the phone and when I tried calling back, he kept ignoring my calls. He did text me to let me know he is ok, but I know that is a bold face lie.

Thanks for the comment

Candice

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Specializes in Labor and Delivery.

he does sound like a typical 'guy'. It won't last long I'm sure he will break down eventually and I think you will be the one he will cry too and then after a while you can start to talk about good memories. that kind of helps. my boyfriend's grandpa died a while ago and he would hold in his feelings and then out of no where we would go to see a movie weeks later and he just broke down. My boyfriend never cries. I think guys don't want us girls to think they are weak. Let him know its ok to be vulnerable. When my grandpa died (i know that i am a girl and feelings are handled differently) all I wanted to do was cry and have him hold me. and he may say 'every' thing is fine for a while because it may not seem like reality yet. It really sounds like he's lucky to have you. Let him know he will always have you. I feel for you its hard to relate when you have know idea. hope this helps. any other questions id be happy to help.

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Specializes in pedi, pedi psych,dd, school ,home health.

(((Candice))) the best thing you can do is be there for him; he may "push you away" but that is also typical ... just give him space and time and let him know you love him; the rest will just happen . so sorry this is happening.

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Thanks so much. I just called and tried to talk to him and he says he will talk to me when he gets home. I love him soooooo much and it is killing me. I don't want to see him hurt. My biggest issue with this entire tragedy is he means so much to me, I think I will break down worse than he will. She was already in the advanced stages of the disease when we met. Last year she had a b-day party. The presence of friends and family must have triggered memories. I am black and my husband is white...well, she looked at me out of the blue, put this beautiful smile on and said "who are you"? Kevin jumped in there and said she is my wife grandma and she looked at him with that same beautiful smile and said, "you have my approval sweetie and I love you". That was the first and last time I saw him cry uncontrollably. I want to remember her just like that because for that moment, she remembered!!

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Specializes in ER, Infusion therapy, Oncology.

:icon_hug:

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Have you thought about asking him if there is anything he wants you to do?

Nurses have a tendency to want to fix things because that is what we are trained to do. Lots of time people don't want thingssaid to them, fixed, or anything done for them, they just want to feel loved and appreciated and know that if they feel the need to vent, cry, throw a fit, whatever - that you will be there to listen. If you see a need that you can fill as far as helping with arrangements, etc. then go ahead and do that. Otherwise continue to act normally and acknowledge any feelings he decides to share.

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ultimately, words have little meaning.

being there for him, is what will count.

you can remind him that his grandmother actually started dying when alzheimer's invaded her very being...

and now she can go home to rest, then shine.

show him your love and concern.

all else will fall into place.

with peace...

leslie

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It's official. She passed at 11 this morning. Calling him and tellinh him was the hardest thing I have ever done. He sounded soooo brave and when he pulled up, his eyes were puffy and red from crying and I never heard it in his voice. Thanks everyone for the responses and please pray for us.

Candice

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Specializes in Med Surg, Hospice.

You've got tons of prayers coming, Candice. One very nice thing about this board is how caring the people are. *Hugs tight* I'm offering up a lot of prayers for you both.

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Thanks everyone for the kind words of encouragement. The arrangements have been made and so far hubby is holding up pretty good. Although, I am worried about grandpa because he is about to go nuts. After 64 yrs. of marriage, he is still in love with her as if they had just met. He is 84 and refuses to eat. I can't force him but I sure am trying.(((sigh)))!! Love you all and thanks again!!

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