Between a rock and a hard place.

[maelstrom143]

I am having a very difficult time right now. I am looking at a decision I really do not want to make.

Currently, I love my job. I love my colleagues. They are always there to support and assist me. They are wonderful educators and colleagues. I feel like an integral part of my team and look forward to going to work each day. I am assigned to med-surg and pcu. I love going to icu to look at strips and ask questions and I love my colleagues, who always answer my questions and give me so much new info, making me better at my job. My hospital is awesome, comprising reg med-surg, ped/ob med surg, pcu, icu...in short, very squared away. As a newer addition, I feel my work environment conducive to learning and becoming stronger, faster, more efficient. The learning opportunities are only surpassed by the number of individuals willing and able to share what they know and have with me. Hey, they are not perfect, but who is? Their quirks actually make them more likeable; perfectionism is overrated.

Where's the problem?

My job is an hour away from my home.

I have three young children.

I work nights (12h shifts), sometimes 4 shifts per week, so it drains me.

I spend little time with my kids due to the number of hours.

My eldest (not 18) has to babysit and help out...a lot.

I am a rapid cycling bp2, but not on meds, as my docs have stated I do not need anything and the diagnosis only applies when it becomes an issue in daily living and functioning. Night shift is bad for us bp'ers, increasing the risk of developing mania or depression and therefore increasing the risk of eventually needing meds.

A close family member has s4 cancer and it is progressing. I live across the way from her and want to help care for her when things head south, which is beginning to happen.

My husband is stationed in another state and only able to visit on holidays, so I am essentially a single parent w/very little outside help.

My husband wants me to switch jobs to work at the local hospital, 15 minutes away from home.

The facility close to home:

The place is little, med-surg is not as high-paced. They have no pcu; their icu is more like our pcu. Their med-surg mixes peds and adult patients. I am not comfortable working with peds. They compensate longer and crash faster than adults. They have parents, some of who may not be so nice, which means I might sometimes have to do the unpopular thing: report it to the proper departments. I live in this community and my children attend school here. These peds might be my kids' peers and/or classmates. I would have to interact with their parents. Any perception of me might be extended to my poor, innocent kids.

I would be med-surg, but in reality they would float me wherever; I would belong nowhere, not really. I hate instability! I hate change. The pay is not as nice as where I am, but I guess the savings on gas would somewhat balance that out.

I am heartbroken about the change. My hubby says it does not matter what I prefer as far as jobs, I must do what is best for the family, regardless of how I feel about it. He states, and I usually agree, that we must do what is best for the family, even if it is not what is best for us. I just do not know if I can be as good at my job if I am unhappy with where I am and if that is the case, I might as well just quit.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[maelstrom143]

why can't you move to where you husband is? [...].

we were living w/hubby, but when we came home this summer we discovered [his] momma's advancing condition and we (w/me being the primary) decided the children and i needed to stay here. this way, the children have a chance to be around her while she is still getting around and looking healthy. we did not want the next time they see her to be a shock or at her funeral. being here, she can see us and vice versa and when she starts going downhill, i will be available to help out. and yes...i am worn out to tears by the end of the week.

i also think you should request for day shift or per diem work. [...].

i would love nothing better than to do days; unfortunately, they choose to move us as positions come open based on seniority. i am definitely not senior enough and whatever comes available next will definitely be picked up by some of the senior nurses. it is a fair system, just a bit frustrating.

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hi, calliotter3, i agree w/your input. i try to keep a positive outlook, but my husband has had to deal w/my rapid shifts more than anyone and he worries about how stressed i might get and how it might affect the kids w/o him there to be a buffer.

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nurseby07:

lol...i wish. he is military and must be wherever he is ordered and as an ex-soldier myself, i try to support him. he hates being away from us. he is even more of a homebody than i and he is suffering from depression a lot since we are not there with him.

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stevielynn:

thanks j i know it makes sense. i know that is what is best for the family. i am just having such a hard time wrapping my mind around it and accepting it with gracel

i agree; my eldest has it hard right now. been there, done that. i feel so guilty when i leave to go to work, but he just smiles and says, "it's going to be ok, mom." the other day, i was so tired and by midday almost in tears as i had a shift that evening and had not been able to fall asleep due to the children. he decided to take his little siblings outside so i could rest. when i woke up and realized how quiet the house was i got scared, but then i saw them outside. i was so proud of him, but at the same time i felt awful it had to be that way.

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ksilty:

thanks for the input.

thanks to all of you for your wonderful input. i don't know what i would do without this site. i will try my hardest to reconcile myself. i am spoiled rotten, but will try to make the best of this situation.

[GrumpyRN63, ADN, RN]

If mom's not happy, nobody is happy. You have goals also, and deserve to accomplish them. Women always seem to be the one to compensate for everything and take care of everyone. If your current job is really important to you, maybe moving closer would alleviate a lot of the stress. When you ask 'maybe I should quit altogether', it leads me to believe you don't have to work to survive. If that's so , don't quit, cut your hours back to 2 pm's a week, whether you move or not, it will give you lots more time home w/your kids and you will still feel worthwhile and accomplished. Good Luck !

[LiverpoolJane]

Looking at the advice already given I have to agree with the ones who suggest you work PT at your current job - may be one day per week if that is possible. I would like to think your managers would accomodate this as they will no doubt rather have you PT but with a view to being FT again when circumstances allow.

Also, would it be possible for you to not have to take a second job, or could you consider taking a second job in a different field of nursing or even not a nursing job at all?

My worry is even if you worked FT closer to home it is still going to be stressful and time consuming even without the two hour commute.

I have to say I also agree with - i think it was GrumpyRN - who said about always the women having to make the sacrifice when their husbands could be part of the solution.

[locolorenzo22, BSN, RN]

I think that this is a hard decision for anyone....but it's not fair to the kids. I'd chalk your job up for expierence, and move closer to home...However, don't lose touch with the other hospital, when situations clear up...perhaps you'd be able to go back into that hospital system as a realtively "old hat".

On the kid front...I think you are teaching your oldest a HIGH level of maturity for being self-sufficent and able to keep a open ear and an open heart to care! When you have to do things for the family, then it's good to help grow up those children in a good place...kudos.

On the parent front...you know, any parent who would be willing to put their kids into an adult disagreement is just silly. your kids would be better off without those families anyways. And besides, if you end up saving someone's life, how bout that hug at the next PTA meeting? more than worth it....

Jobs come and go, but family is forever....GL to you.

[jlcole45]

This is always a tough struggle. I recently turned down an offer for a job on nights that I am sure I would have preferred, because I have another offer on days which is more conducive to home life - and I actually don't want to do nights anymore. I struggled over this for a month before committing.

Can you consider this a temporary change of jobs? Your kids won't be kids forever. Is there any possiblity of you returning to the job that you love at a later date?

Staying on as a prn certainly will keep you in touch.

[Sabby_NC]

Maybe your husband should listen to his own advice....

Ummmm yeah I was going to say this.

Can he not change his job and be closer to 'his' family too?

You seem to be wearing it all on your shoulders.

Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn but a coin has two sides.

Follow what your heart tells you too do.

[Weeping Willow]

I don't know that it is particularly unfair to the kids or that she is being asked to sacrifice while her husband is not. It sounds like he is away because of a military order to be stationed somewhere in particular. And it sounds like the kids are doing ok.

I do hope she can cut down her hours and stay on this job that she loves. I hope she doesn't try to do too much for her terminal mother in law, even though she wants to. She has got children to think of first and also must sleep. FMLA?

Moving, working closer to home, changing to Days, cutting hours? Just not sure what to advise but hope it works out favorably for you and your loved ones.

[maelstrom143]

Sorry for the belated reply and thanks to all of you who have taken the time to give me your input and support. I have been really ill for the last 3 weeks or so and am now getting better. I have decided to work part time (2d/wk) closer to home and once a pay period at my current place of employment. Once hubby retires and things stabilize I figure we can look at the whole picture and go from there. I am so glad you guys are there. Your input has been invaluable.

[Valerie Salva, BSN, RN]

It is a tough situation, but I think that working at a miserable job would stress you and drain your energies much more than an hour commute would.

As another poster suggested, why not go part-time, prn, or days?

A nurse enjoying and loving her job, and working in the kind of environment you describe is extremely rare. I wouldn't give that up.

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I see that I posted before reading that you'd made you decision. I hope everything works out for the best!

[husker_rn, RN]

Why not try a prn position at the "new " place. You might like it. I worked in a rural hospital right after graduation and we had a mixture of patients as well. Did more stabilize and ship than admits but it was a GREAT learning experience. Learned to recognize all kinds of problems and to think on my feet. My youngest was still in school and it did not pose a problem for him at all. I worked with classmates parents and that too was not a problem.